Every line from The Office season 9, episode 16, in script order. First aired February 14, 2013.
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Andy
May not seem like it, but this really helped. So, thank you.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57060
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Clark
I'll give you a hundred dollars to wear that sweater to work tomorrow.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57061
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Dwight
Aunt Shirley, Hello! It's me Dwight.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57062
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Shirley
Oh, lookie here. It's big city Dwight. Careful you don't get mud on those fancy town shoes, big city Dwight.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57063
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Angela
Hello Aunt Shirley.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57064
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Shirley
Who's this little kitchen witch? She's so tiny like a little kitchen witch.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57065
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Dwight
This is Angela, and we brought you some new clothes!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57066
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Shirley
New clothes? What for?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57067
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Dwight
OK
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57068
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Angela
Oh, God.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57069
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Dwight
You know what? Before you put the new clothes on, Angela's gonna get you cleaned up a little bit.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57070
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Angela
Yes. How would you like a nice warm bath?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57071
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Shirley
How would you like a mean cold slap?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57072
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Angela
Ow!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57073
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Dwight
Ok, Aunt Shirley, dear, uh, can I get you a nice crisp liter of schnapps?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57074
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Shirley
I could do that.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57075
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Dwight
Ok.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57076
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Angela
No. No.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57077
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Dwight
Yeah, trust me.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57078
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Angela
No.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57079
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Dwight
It keeps her docile. Go to the kitchen, get the largest receptacle you can find.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57080
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Shirley
Step on it!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57081
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Andy
Why doesn't Erin seem sad? Has she found someone new or something? And if so, why hasn't she told me? Is she trying to spare my feelings? During breakups, the mind goes to some crazy dark places.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57082
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Phyllis
Andy, don't. No good can come from snooping.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57083
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Andy
I'm not snooping, there's just some crud on her screen.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57084
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Oscar
You're clearly snooping.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57085
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Creed
That's kinda uncool, man.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57086
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Meredith
Ah, come on.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57087
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Phyllis
Andy!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57088
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Oscar
That's her private property.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57089
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Meredith
Tell us!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57090
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Andy
Uh, hello! Who's snooping on who now?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57091
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Phyllis
What does that even mean?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57092
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Meredith
What's it say?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57093
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Phyllis
Put it down.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57094
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Andy
Everyone please, just-
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57095
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Creed
It's not cool.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57096
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Phyllis
Put it down
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57097
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Oscar
Andy. That is her private property.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57098
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Meredith
Boo.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57099
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Andy
Oh my god.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57100
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Stanley
Uh huh.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57101
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Phyllis
See?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57102
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Stanley
That's where nosey'll get you.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57103
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Phyllis
Told you so.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57104
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Andy
Darryl, Clark, Toby, Kevin, Plop. Take a knee. Alright, you guys are gonna think I'm psycho again. Uh, couldn't shake this feeling that Erin's dating someone so I looked at her phone.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57105
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Darryl
Man, you can't do that stuff. You'll only find pain. When my ex-wife got into my e-mail account, she was devastated.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57106
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Andy
Too late. I found out she's been texting a guy named Pete. Does anybody know a Pete?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57107
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Kevin
Pete...
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57108
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Clark
Hmm.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57109
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Kevin
Pete what?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57110
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Pete
It just occurred to me that Andy has been calling me Plop for so long, he forgot my real name. Which is Pete.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57111
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Pam
hello!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57112
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Jim
Hey! There she is. How you doin?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57113
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Pam
Hi! Hey, do I look ok?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57114
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Jim
You look great.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57115
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Pam
Ok
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57116
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Jim
Yeah.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57117
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Pam
What's that? Is that a-
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57118
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Jim
Ok, I know where you're going with this, and this is who I am now. I'm a douche. But look what I can do with my hands.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57119
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Isaac
Gotta go, VIP just walked through the door.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57120
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Pam
How are you, Isaac? You have something in your ear.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57121
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Isaac
It's a phone?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57122
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Pam
Yes. It is. And thank you so much for setting up this opportunity, I really appreciate it.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57123
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Isaac
Of course, anything for Team Halpert. You're gonna crush it, Pam.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57124
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Pam
Thanks.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57125
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Jim
You are gonna crush it. Wow, I missed you.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57126
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Pam
Wait, are you saying that into the phone or are you saying that to me.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57127
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Jim
Call you right back. What were you saying?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57128
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Pam
Ha ha.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57129
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Athlead Coworker
Hey, Jim! We've got Trent Edwards on the line.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57130
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Jim
I've gotta go, but you know what? Team Halpert, ok? You're gonna crush it, you're gonna smash it.OK, good luck!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57131
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Pam
Bye.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57132
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Angela
Gosh, she drank so much. And so quickly.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57133
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Dwight
In her prime, Shirles could put away homemade schnapps morning noon and night.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57134
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Shirley
[coughs and laughs in her sleep]
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57135
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Dwight
Now all it takes is half a liter. She's dreaming. Alright, let's get her out to the yard so you can spray her down.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57136
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Angela
Spray her down?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57137
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Dwight
No, it's a lot better than it sounds. There's a private shower area. Very tasteful, very rustic.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57138
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Pete
Hey.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57139
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Andy
Come on in. Have a seat. Uh, thanks for coming in, I just gotta get something off my chest. I just got some really weird news and uh, I'm just gonna come out and say it. I just got off the phone with my doctor, and it turns out I contracted shlmydia...from Erin. And it's incurable. Pretty lame huh?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57140
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Pete
Yeah. You were gone.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57141
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Andy
I knew it!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57142
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Pete
For a long time, Andy.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57143
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Andy
You and Erin are fuhhhhhhherraaaaa!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57144
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Pete
Andy, just so you know, there was no overlap.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57145
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Andy
No overlap? Great. Good. Wow. This is suddenly so easy. Guess what? You're fired!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57146
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Pete
What?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57147
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Andy
Yeah. You. Are. Fired! One of the perks of being boss. I can fire anyone who steals my girlfriend. And wow, that turns out to be you. Yup. Sorry. So you had a bad day-
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57148
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Pete
Andy?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57149
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Andy
..The camera don't lie!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57150
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Pete
Andy.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57151
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Andy
You're being an idiot get..
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57152
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Pete
I'm trying..
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57153
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Andy
Out of my office, turns out you're fired...
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57154
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Pete
Andy.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57155
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Andy
Because you suck.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57156
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Pete
You can't fire-
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57157
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Andy
And you're fired...
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57158
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Pete
If you want to talk to me
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57159