Every line from The Office season 9, episode 16, in script order. First aired February 14, 2013.
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David Wallace
...No, you lied to me Andy. You pretended to be in this office for three months and you were sailing on your boat!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56960
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Andy
I resent that. I, I never lied to you.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56961
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David
Really? 'Hey David, all is good in Scranton PA.'
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56962
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Andy
And all was good in Scranton PA that day.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56963
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David
'By the way, Oscar says 'hi''
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56964
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Andy
Oscar says 'hi' all the time. He says all kinds of greetings. 'Hi' 'Hello' 'Hola' You're telling me you've never heard Oscar say 'hi'?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56965
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David
Andy.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56966
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Andy
But you're calling me a liar.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56967
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David
Andy!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56968
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Andy
By the way, that reminds me, I want to ask you about some of the lies you've been telling lately.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56969
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David
Watch it Andy!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56970
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Andy
Oh, here we go, January seventh 2013. 'Hey Andy, all's well. Been meaning to make it down there but my wife's sick.' Well, which is it?! Is all well or is your wife sick?! BUSTED!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56971
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David
My wife?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56972
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Andy
This has been a really tough time.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56973
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David
Yeah?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56974
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Andy
Yeah.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56975
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David
Has it?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56976
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Andy
Erin just dumped me and I can't remember any of the aha moments I had on the boat, and I know it sounds weird to say but I really miss my beard.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56977
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David
Shh.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56978
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Andy
It was like a security blan-
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56979
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David
Andy.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56980
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Andy
-ket
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56981
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David
Shh. I'm not gonna fire you.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56982
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Andy
You're not?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56983
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David
No.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56984
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Andy
That's awesome.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56985
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David
I wouldn't own the company if it wasn't for you. So...I owe you that.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56986
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Andy
David, I'll be there for you. These five words I swear to you. When you breathe, I want to be here for you. I'll be there for you. That's a poem by J.B. Jovi. I want you to have it.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56987
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David
We are even...now. Understand? Got it?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56988
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Andy
Crystal.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56989
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David
You are on very- Hey, very thin ice.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56990
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Andy
Vanilla. Vanilla Ice. It was a band.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56991
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Andy
Good morning.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56992
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Erin
Good morning.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56993
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Andy
And how are you on this fine-
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56994
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Andy
Ok, we ready? Don't use that part. Last week, Erin told me that our relationship would be proceeding without me. Now I have to see her everyday at work. Which is...brutal. When people say office relationships are a good idea, they never talk about what might happen if you break up.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56995
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Andy
Ahhh! Oooooh! ahh
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56996
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Pam
He sounds like a wounded animal.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56997
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Stanley
Should've put him out of his misery and just fired her.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56998
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Phyllis
I can't be around sad people, it makes me sad.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 56999
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Stanley
I'm the same way with horny people.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57000
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Pam
Ok.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57001
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Erin
Yes. Pete and I have started seeing each other and Andy still doesn't know. We thought that keeping it secret was more considerate to him. And hot for us. I mean I saw Pete's butt. It's sick.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57002
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Pam
Oh that's mine! Um, I'll just, I'll get it out of the way for you.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57003
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Pam
Jim set up a job interview for me today in Philly. It's um, with a real estate company, which is a great fit for me because I live in a house and I know what a bathroom is. I'm sorry, I am just very nervous because honestly this is all moving a lot faster than I expected. And, and because my resume can fit on a post-it note.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57004
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Dwight
No, don't just let her eat the grass, she'll puke it right up. OK, just put out two bowls and see which feed she prefers. I'm sorry to be taking up so much of your precious time, Mose, but she's your aunt too. Fine. I'll see what I can do.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57005
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Dwight
I need you.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57006
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Angela
Ahh! Dwight!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57007
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Dwight
And you should take breaks more often, I've been waiting there for 45 minutes.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57008
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Angela
What? What is it?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57009
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Dwight
It's my aunt Shirley, she's on her last legs.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57010
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Angela
Dwight, that's awful.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57011
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Dwight
You have no idea. I mean her hair, clothes, it's all falling off in great big clumps. And we need someone to go out there and clean her up. We had a nurse, but she quit because she was 'poisoned' by Aunt Shirley.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57012
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Angela
What do you mean by 'poisoned'?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57013
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Dwight
Probably nothing, or strychnine. Or lemonade and strychnine. Which is actually what it was.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57014
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Angela
Ok, well I'm very sorry about your aunt.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57015
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Dwight
Thank you.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57016
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Angela
But I don't see how this is my problem.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57017
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Dwight
Angela. You owe me one, remember? Now please, she's an old woman Angela. She needs a woman's touch. It's all hanging out-
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57018
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Angela
Ugh.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57019
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Dwight
And there's parts of her I don't even recognize.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57020
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Angela
Gah.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57021
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Dwight
There's this one hanging part in particular, that's some sort of flap.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57022
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Angela
It's fine.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57023
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Dwight
It's like a prehensile wing or something, you know?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57024
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Angela
Ugh! God, I can't. OK, I'll-
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57025
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Dwight
It's a divet...
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57026
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Angela
I'll help you!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57027
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Dwight
..where it was and it needs, it needs a...
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57028
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Angela
Ugh.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57029
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Andy
Where are you going?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57030
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Pam
Uh, not on a three month boat trip.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57031
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Andy
Wha? Oh, burn. Uh, excuse me. What, everyone can just leave whenever they want now?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57032
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Dwight
How dare you?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57033
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Andy
I'm still the boss!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57034
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Erin
I...
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57035
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Andy
The answer is yes.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57036
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Erin
..just have some messages for you.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57037
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Andy
Are they from you?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57038
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Erin
Well no, they're from clients.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57039
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Andy
Well then, I don't want them. You can keep 'em. In fact, you can keep that big blue Nautica sweater, I know how much you love it.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57040
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Erin
I can't. I-
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57041
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Andy
Nope, I insist upon it. It's an awesome sweater. Some great memories tied up in that thing.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57042
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Erin
These are messages from clients who want to buy paper.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57043
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Andy
I don't want to talk about work right now.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57044
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Erin
Well I only want to talk about work right now.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57045
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Andy
Then I want my big blue sweater back.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57046
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Erin
Well, I gave it to the Salvation Army.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57047
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Pete
I've got the seat adjusted right.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57048
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Clark
Perfect height, yeah.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57049
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Andy
She got rid of it. My blue sweater. What is that about?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57050
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Pete
I was just leaving.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57051
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Andy
Stay! We are in the bro-zone layer. Ok? Nard dog, Plop and Clarker Posey, AKA Clarkwork Orange. Here's the sitch: Erin dumped me, natch. But she got rid of my blue sweater, which was her favorite. Is she moving on a little fast, or am I being a total psycho? Plop, you go first.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57052
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Pete
I don't know. Women do tend to move on quicker than men.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57053
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Andy
Survey says: ENH! Doesn't make me feel better at all. Zero Clark Thirty, what do you got?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57054
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Clark
Look at it this way, being a bachelor is not all bad. I mean, you've got your freedom now.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57055
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Andy
Last night I ordered a pizza by myself and I ate it over the sink like a rat.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57056
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Clark
There you go, good for you.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57057
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Andy
No.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57058
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Clark
You just let it all hang out, that's what...
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57059