Every line from The Office season 9, episode 16, in script order. First aired February 14, 2013.
-
Andy
Yeah, so life gives you lemons and you've just gotta eat them, rinds and all. And if you don't want to eat them? Your ex-girlfriend will shove them down your throat with the help of her hunky new boyfriend. So that's fun.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57260
-
Mark
Nothing to see here! Boss at work. This will be your desk. Right up front. Best seat on the roller coaster, you must be this tall to ride this ride. No pregnant women allowed. Are you? Uh, yeah I don't- not allowed to ask. So...
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57261
-
Pam
I am not pr-
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57262
-
Mark
You're not.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57263
-
Pam
Pregnant, no.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57264
-
Mark
I didn't ask her if she was pregnant. She just offered it. The last three girls here all got pregnant.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57265
-
Pam
Wow.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57266
-
Mark
Don't be afraid, it's a different chair. I don't want a guy up here. I want to you know, see a woman come in and do a great job. Something that, I have to look out this window, I want someone-
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57267
-
Pam
I'm sorry I thought this job was for the position of office manager.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57268
-
Mark
It is. Yeah, you would uh manage this office. Answer the phones and forward the calls and uh you know, go for a coffee run now and again.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57269
-
Pam
So, kinda like a receptionist.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57270
-
Mark
Yeah, like a receptionist, but we call you the office manager because uh, it's less demeaning. By the way, how long are these uh, cameras gonna be following you around? Because I think this is pretty cool. Pretty pretty cool. Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm. Do you like that show?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57271
-
Pam
Yes.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57272
-
Mark
Well, I think they indulge themselves a little too much. I like scripted.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57273
-
Pam
I spent 10 years as a receptionist, to Michael Scott. And I have kids now. And I just, I can't.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57274
-
Shirley
Ow! The braid is too tight.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57275
-
Angela
Oh hush. Loose braids reflect a loose character. Now stay still.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57276
-
Shirley
Yes ma'am.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57277
-
Angela
I think your hair is much too long for your age, by the way.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57278
-
Shirley
Ok.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57279
-
Angela
There.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57280
-
Shirley
Thank you Angela.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57281
-
Toby
I'm going to the prison. This afternoon. I'm gonna talk to the strangler.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57282
-
Nellie
Probably best to use his real name rather than strangler.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57283
-
Darryl
Don't use his real name. George Howard Scubb. It's a devil name.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57284
-
Toby
Well I just wanted to say I'm doing it.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57285
-
Nellie
He's doing it.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57286
-
Pam
hey!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57287
-
Jim
Hey, how'd the interview go?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57288
-
Pam
Oh my gosh, wait until you. This guy was unbelievable. Ok so-
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57289
-
Jim
I can't wait to hear about it later. Do you want to come in at eight? And uh, don't eat because I'm ordering in.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57290
-
Pam
Eight? Really?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57291
-
Jim
I'll make it worth your while, I promise.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57292
-
Pam
Sure. I mean, it's Philly. I can kill four hours. So uh, yeah. I'll see you at eight.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57293
-
Jim
Alright, love you.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57294
-
Pam
Love you.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57295
-
Alice
Hi.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57296
-
Erin
Hi.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57297
-
Alice
I'm here from BCI Marketing Consultants to meet with Andrew Bernard.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57298
-
Erin
Yes. The consultant. Andy said you can start right away so I will take you to your desk.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57299
-
Alice
Ok, great. Thanks.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57300
-
Meredith
Fresh meat! Fresh meat!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57301
-
Erin
Just keep walking, don't give her anything. She'll take it and run. I'm Erin by the way.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57302
-
Alice
Nice to meet you. Cute sweater.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57303
-
Erin
Oh, thanks. Your shoes match. I'm bad at small talk.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57304
-
Kevin
I'm Kevin.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57305
-
Alice
Pete?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57306
-
Pete
Alice. Oh man.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57307
-
Alice
It's uh, been a while, huh?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57308
-
Erin
What, do you two know each other?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57309
-
Pete
Yeah. We uh, have a history.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57310
-
Erin
Oh.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57311
-
Alice
History. Wow, ok. We dated for two years.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57312
-
Erin
That's so random.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57313
-
Pete
Well. Is it?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57314
-
Erin
Andy also hired a management consultant today. Oh no.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57315
-
Creed
Hey Erin, look who's back. The bird man.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57316
-
Gabe
Hello beautiful.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57317
-
Kevin
Didn't you two used to do it?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57318
-
Gabe
We absolutely did. Thank you for remembering that.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57319
-
Creed
She's looking good.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57320
-
Toby
Hi, I'm uh, Toby Flenderson. I'm here to see George Howard Scubb.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57321
-
Toby
This is the prison. Uh, I am not going in there with expectations, per say. Uh, I will meet George Howard Scubb. I will tell him that I believe he is innocent. I would understand if he felt motivated to hug me. I would understand if a friendship began. How did, how did Bogart put it? I think this is a start of my first friendship.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57322
-
Clark
So Pete was a librarian?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57323
-
Alice
He worked as a librarian freshman year.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57324
-
Clark
Was he like the sexy librarian?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57325
-
Pete
Ok.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57326
-
Alice
Is there like somebody who's in charge of marketing? Maybe I should sit near him or her.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57327
-
Andy
Hi.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57328
-
Alice
Hi.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57329
-
Andy
Hi, how's it going?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57330
-
Alice
Hi. Good. I'd love to discuss strategy with you if you have a marketing p-
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57331
-
Andy
Wow this sure is intense. Having to share a workspace with someone you used to get it on with?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57332
-
Pete
Andy, that is really inappropriate.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57333
-
Andy
Awkward.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57334
-
Pete
It is awkward. This is a really uncomfortable situation that you've contrived.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57335
-
Andy
Really uncomfortable situation.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57336
-
Pete
Yeah.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57337
-
Andy
It's alright Pete, you can handle it. I mean we all just gotta 'move on'. Ain't that right professor lecture much? Uh, question. How's that medicine taste? Your own flavored? Is it just me or have these tables turned? Hmm. Hmm.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57338
-
Alice
So there's no marketing department.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57339
-
Clark
No.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57340
-
Pete
No.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57341
-
Gabe
You know, times were tough. I was unemployed, I was still heart-broken over you, I've lost a good fifty pounds. But as you can see I put all that weight right back on. Feel how fat my buttocks are. Yeah, it's crazy. Touch it. It's like a warm pumpkin.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57342
-
Erin
So Andy just called you up out of the blue?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57343
-
Gabe
Yeah. He told me you two broke up.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57344
-
Erin
Yeah.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57345
-
Gabe
You must be pretty horny.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57346
-
Nellie
well, the good news is no more guilty conscience. At least you know he is the strangler. The proof is in the grip. Did they say when the vocal cords would heal? One week? Ok, two weeks? Ok. You offered your neck in search of the truth. The proud neck of justice. Isn't that the expression? No. Well, anyway, it was, it was very brave. It really was quite brave.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57347
-
Shirley
I feel like a show pony.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57348
-
Dwight
And you look like one too. Thank you Angela.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57349
-
Angela
You're welcome. Would you like some stew?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57350
-
Dwight
By all means. And I will carve the roast skunk. Angela?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57351
-
Angela
Mmhm.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57352
-
Dwight
Would you like the stink sack?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57353
-
Angela
Is it any good?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57354
-
Dwight
No, you don't eat it. It's a toy, like a wish bone. You know, prettiest girl gets the stink sack.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57355
-
Angela
Thank you.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57356
-
Shirley
So, when's the wedding?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57357
-
Angela
Oh, um actually uh, we are just friends.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57358
-
Shirley
That's what Mose said about his lady scarecrow and look what he did to that poor thing.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57359