Every quote from The Office season 9, episode 1, in script order. First aired September 20, 2012.
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Erin
Andy's coming back today! Andy's coming back today! Ha! Andy's coming back today. David Wallace sent him on an outward bound wilderness adventure for a whole month to make him more decisive and confident. He sent his own son too. And the counselors said they both grew up, big time.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52799
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Dwight
How was my summer? It was pretty mixed. I invented a new power drink made out of beet runoff. Mmm, mmm! So that's really good. But I got some disappointing medical news.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52800
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Doctor
Mr. Schrute, the results are in. You are not the father.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52801
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Angela
I told you
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52802
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Kevin
Oh, what a summer! An emotional roller-coaster. I ran over a turtle in the parking lot, but then I saved him by gluing his shell back together. But I'm not that good at puzzles.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52803
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Oscar
That piece doesn't go there.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52804
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Kevin
So I patched him with stuff from around the office. But I couldn't get the pieces to fit right. Then one day, when I was reaching for the glue, I crushed his shell again. But I rebuilt him even better that time. But it turned out the turtle was already day. Probably when I ran over him the first time.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52805
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Pam
For us, um, nothing new, really the kids are great.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52806
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Jim
You are really good at modesty. She's a genius. She painted this incredible mural in the kids' room. There's a hippo leading a parade of 500 children'
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52807
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Pam
Kay, well, you had that interesting thing.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52808
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Jim
Oh, yeah
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52809
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Pam
Yes, Jim's friend is starting anew company based on this idea Jim had when they were back in college.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52810
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Jim
Its sports marketing basically. But the athletes are partners.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52811
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Pam
And he wanted Jim to be a part of it too.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52812
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Jim
In Philly, so, that doesn't really work for the family. Watch this guy make a billion dollars off my idea.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52813
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Pam
He said if it takes off he's gonna buy us a new car.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52814
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Jim
An Altima or better.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52815
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Toby
Kelly Kapoor is gone. Her fiance Ravi was hired as a pediatrics professor at Miami university.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52816
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Kelly
I don't need em anymore. I am going to Miami biotches. To hang with Lebron James and Gloria Estefan.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52817
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Toby
Miami University in Ohio. On her last day, Kelly was still a little confused about it
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52818
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Kelly
Enjoy the snow losers.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52819
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Erin
I'm so happy for you Kelly.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52820
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Toby
Shortly after Kelly left, Ryan quit and also moved to Ohio, for what he claimed were unrelated reasons.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52821
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Ryan
I've actually done a lot of market research and it actually turns out that southwestern Ohio is going to be the next Silicon Valley. They call it the Silicon Prairie. It's a big university town. And, uh, that's not garbage, it's out clothes.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52822
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Pam
And that was our summer.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52823
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Jim
we good?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52824
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Off-camera
Yeah
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52825
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Pam
Don't you guys have everything. I mean, its just a paper company.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52826
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Off-camera
Well we're more following you guys, to see how you turn out.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52827
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Pam
Oh, yeah, because we were kind of dramatic in the beginning. Well I don't think anything's gonna change in our lives now. With work and two kids there's just-nothing interesting is going to happen for us in a long, long time.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52828
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Erin
Andy's coming back today!
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52829
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Clark
Hey, uh, does anybody know where we throw these out?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52830
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Stanley
Oh, my god. It's called a garbage can.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52831
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Phyllis
Helpless.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52832
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Toby
There's two new guys back there with me now. They're in their 20s. And we really get along.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52833
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Clark
You're looking good.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52834
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Toby
Just three single guys. Getting into trouble.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52835
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Stanley
They're like the new Jim and Dwight.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52836
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Nellie
Oh, yes, yes I see that! Perfect.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52837
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Meredith
Hey, new Jim, come sit on my face.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52838
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Pete
No thank you. My name's Pete.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52839
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Jim
No, Pete is not the new Jim. The only we have in common is that neither of us wants to sit on Meredith's face. And if that makes him the new Jim, then every human being in the world is the new Jim.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52840
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Erin
Andy's here! Old Dwight, new Dwight, Andy's here. New Jim, Tuna, Andy's here. Pam, he's here.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52841
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Andy
Hey! Wow, I thought about this place a lot when I was on solo. Three days on a mountain, it'll change you. The things we think we need. Clocks, yeah right!
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52842
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Nellie
It sounds amazing, tell us all about it.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52843
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Andy
What're you still doing here?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52844
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Nellie
Wonderful, thanks.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52845
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Andy
You know I had this really funny dream during Outward Bound that you died.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52846
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Nellie
Brilliant.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52847
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Andy
See me in my office later. The new guys, alright. It's Clark and, um'
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52848
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Pete
Pete!
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52849
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Andy
In Outward Bound it was all about nicknames. They called me Iceman. You will be called Plop.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52850
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Pete
What? Why?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52851
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Andy
Cause you're always taking dumps.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52852
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Pete
No I'm not.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52853
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Andy
Come on, everybody defecates. Relax, Plop. And you will be called Fart cause you fart all the time.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52854
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Clark
I love it.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52855
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Darryl
Actually, Andy, we call this one Dwight, Jr.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52856
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Clark
No, I prefer Fart.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52857
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Andy
No, Dwight Jr. Infinitely better. You guys look exactly alike. Dwight go stand next to him. This is insane.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52858
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Dwight
I don't see it.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52859
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Clark
I don't either.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52860
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Andy
Whoa! Mind blown. It's like father and son! Dwight, you cool if we call him Dwight Jr?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52861
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Dwight
Yes, yes I am.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52862
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Andy
Dwight, Jr!
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52863
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Dwight
In a way it's like I have a son. And who knows? Maybe someday they'll hire someone who looks like a younger version of him. And then I'll have a grandson.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52864
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Angela
Well, I need to give my cat up for adoption.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52865
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Kevin
The one who uses the doorbell, or the one with the Mexican hat, or the one with the rain galoshes, or the one you let go around naked?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52866
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Kevin
Angela's cats are cute. So cute that you just want to eat them. But you can't eat cats. You can't eat cats, Kevin.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52867
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Angela
No, the one with the long hair and the denim pants, Comstock! Ok, look. He's such a special kitty. I just want to find him a good home. He loves those pants
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52868
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Kevin
I'll take him.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52869
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Angela
Please, after the turtle?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52870
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Kevin
I am enormously proud of what I did for that turtle!
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52871
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Angela
Oscar, Oscar, will you take him?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52872
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Oscar
No, I'm a dog person.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52873
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Angela
If you pray enough, you can change yourself into a cat person.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52874
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Oscar
Those guys always change back, Angela.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52875
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Andy
David, outward bound was incredible. I was the best at slack lining, I ate a worm.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52876
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David
Glad to hear it. You sound very confident and decisive.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52877
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Toby
Hey you wanted to see me?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52878
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Andy
Yeah, I gotta go David. Why is Nellie still here?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52879
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Toby
You can only fire Nellie for cause.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52880
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Andy
Mm, then I will make up a cause.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52881
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Toby
Except you just told me you were gonna make it up. Now if she sues, I have to testify against you.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52882
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Andy
Then forget I just told you that.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52883
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Toby
Can't. I took a course at the Weintraub Memory Academy. I sat next to this woman named Beverly Brook. She had a Greek salad for lunch. See what I mean?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52884
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Andy
Now I know why Michael hated you so much.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52885
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Dwight
Good boy, getting big and strong. Snack foods!
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52886
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Clark
Yep, body by Cheez-it
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52887
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Dwight
Ah, humor. I have it too. I have a couple tickets to the slayer concert 10 months from now. You interested?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52888
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Clark
I think I'm busy that night. Or I would.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52889
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Dwight
Well, we're both just kinda learning as we go, aren't we?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52890
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Clark
Learning what?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52891
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Dwight
Just how this going to be, you know? You have a beautiful round head.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52892
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Clark
Kay.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52893
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Dwight
So what kind of farming you into, huh? You more of a fruit man or a root man?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52894
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Clark
Is this'is this like code for gay stuff? Cause if so, that's totally fine. Like, I'm fine with it. But you should know that I'm into the ladies.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52895
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Dwight
Spoken like a true root man.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52896
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Clark
You know, if you're ever swamped, I could make some sales calls for you.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52897
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Dwight
My calls?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Quote 52898