Every line from The Office season 9, episode 1, in script order. First aired September 20, 2012.
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Clark
So could you give me a list of all your clients? Or just the leads that you haven't had time to pursue yet?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52899
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Dwight
You want a list of my clients? You want my leads?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52900
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Clark
Yeah, I'll just give it a glance'
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52901
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Dwight
Ok
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52902
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Clark
I'll give it a read.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52903
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Dwight
With my leads and stuff like that?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52904
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Clark
Yeah.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52905
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Dwight
Cause you're interested in going into sales?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52906
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Clark
I am.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52907
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Dwight
Wow, that's great. That's great. Ok, good, let's talk about that, ok?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52908
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Clark
Ok.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52909
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Dwight
You're not getting my clients! Nice try.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52910
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Dwight
Paranoid? I'm not familiar with the word. And I really don't have time to learn new words right now, ok? A pudgy 22-year-old is trying to take my job.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52911
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Dwight
Jim, get ready for the battle of your life.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52912
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Jim
Done. Explain.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52913
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Dwight
The new guys. Dwight Jr is after my job. Yeah. There is a shark hiding inside that adorable little cherub.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52914
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Jim
Oh, now I get what Pete was talking about at the sales meeting yesterday.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52915
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Dwight
Wait, sales'what sales meeting?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52916
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Jim
The new guys called one.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52917
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Dwight
The new guys called a sales meeting?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52918
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Jim
Clark ended the whole thing with a karate demonstration. Did you know there was a belt above black?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52919
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Dwight
There's no belt above black. Is there a belt above black?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52920
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Jim
You should ask him. It's a color you would never expect. Too easy.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52921
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Angela
Attention everyone. Comstock is still available. Oscar has been flirting with adopting him. But still hasn't given me a definite yes or no.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52922
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Oscar
Definitely no.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52923
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Angela
Fine. For any interested candidates, I will be conducting 20 minute interviews. My ideal situation would an independently wealthy cute couple with a strong commitment to education. Black or white, I'm fine with either, but not both. Listen, you're in this, but you need to wow me, ok?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52924
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Andy
I wanted to talk to you about our working relationship this year. It's going to be terrible.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52925
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Nellie
Not necessarily
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52926
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Andy
No I'm going to make sure that it is. And if it isn't, I'm going to take immediate action to rectify that. Now, I don't like to throw around the b-word, but I'm going to be a huge bitch to you.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52927
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Andy
Now this is called slack lining.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52928
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Andy
I set up the old slack line to teach the office the skills of focus and discipline. Or in the case of certain individuals, the skills of humiliation and looking really dumb.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52929
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Andy
If you make it all the way across, your confidence will soar. But, if you Toby out, then you'll feel like a real Nellie. How about a hand, screw those guys. Now, these are my actual Outward Bound counselors, Rafe and Feather.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52930
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Rafe
Iceman.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52931
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Andy
That's me. The powder is for your protection, Feather has permanent athlete's foot. Feather, show them how you dance upon the line of slack.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52932
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Jim
You a sports fan?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52933
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Pete
Sure, boxing, tennis.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52934
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Jim
Oh. Any team sports?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52935
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Pete
NASCAR. The Amazing Race.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52936
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Jim
Phillies fan, though, right?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52937
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Pete
You mean horses?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52938
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Jim
No, like baseball. A baseball team.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52939
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Pete
Ah, I like the Red Sox. I'm from Vermont.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52940
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Jim
Ok. Good talk.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52941
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Jim
I have nothing in common with Plop.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52942
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Andy
All right, who's next? Nellie?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52943
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Nellie
Oh, I would rather watch you and your talented friends.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52944
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Andy
Nonsense. Get up here.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52945
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Kevin
Go ahead
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52946
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Andy
Come on. Uh, are you gonna wear your heels?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52947
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Nellie
I'm very self-conscious about my feet.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52948
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Andy
Ok, sure. There ya go. Atta girl. Hey, alright. Whoa! You suck. Alright, who's next? Darryl?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52949
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Darryl
This seems like the kind of thing white people with dreadlocks do.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52950
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Andy
Dwight Jr? This looks like your speed.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52951
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Clark
Uh, I guess I could give it shot.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52952
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Andy
Yeah, come on. Get up here. Just hop on up.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52953
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Clark
Ok
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52954
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Andy
Focus on the horizon. Whoa! Look at this guy.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52955
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Clark
I've always been good at anything that required balance. My doctor says I have gigantic inner ears.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52956
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Darryl
Go, Dwight Jr!
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52957
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Andy
Hey, yes.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52958
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Dwight
Boo, unimpressed. It's a tightrope for babies. Boo!
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52959
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Clark
Alright, let's see you do it.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52960
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Andy
Alright. Let me show you how a real man walks across a flaccid cord.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52961
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Andy
Ooh! Who ordered the hot apple fail?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52962
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Dwight
Ok, I am just getting started, ok?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52963
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Clark
You got this, it's all you. Got ourselves a yard sale. Balls in face. It's not a race, Dwight.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52964
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Andy
Well it's official. Old Dwight is lame and New Dwight is cool.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52965
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Dwight
That's not true. Just give me another chance.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52966
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Oscar
But your mouth is ble'
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52967
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Toby
This is a bloodbath. Alright, I'm calling this.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52968
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Dwight
What?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52969
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Toby
It is enough of this. Everyone, let's go back to work.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52970
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Dwight
This is a stupid activity. I would be embarrassed to be good at it. Idiots.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52971
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Dwight
Slack lining, please. Untie that rope, give it to a couple of pig-tailed school girls, let them start jumping with it while chanting a rhyme and giggling about boys. Doesn't seem so macho now, does it? It's a jump rope!
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52972
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Pam
Dwight!
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52973
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Dwight
Pam? Hey come up here, up the ladder. Come on.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52974
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Pam
What are you doing?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52975
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Dwight
Come here, I'll show you.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52976
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Angela
Why do you want this cat?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52977
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Pete
I don't want it, really.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52978
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Angela
How would you support the cat? What are your ambitions?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52979
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Pete
I want to start my own business. I want to be a millionaire. Lots of things. Travel, make the world a better place, earn an MBA at night.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52980
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Angela
Have you taken any concrete steps?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52981
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Pete
Well, I'm still just fitting in here, you know? Getting used to the new job. But, definitely on the agenda. But that is a good idea, Angela. I should make a list.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52982
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Jim
Oh, come on, Pete! God, that's just sad. If he doesn't watch himself, he's gonna be here for years, doing nothing. Wow, maybe Pete is the new Jim.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52983
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Dwight
Do you see how the trapeze completely surrounds the wire? That means it's literally impossible for anyone to fall off. So you will merely sit below and be my counterweight as I pedal across the parking lot to that telephone pole.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52984
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Pam
I will?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52985
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Dwight
You will. Yeah we weigh about the same, wouldn't you say?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52986
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Pam
Sure, if you weigh 105 pounds.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52987
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Dwight
So you'll do it?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52988
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Pam
No.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52989
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Dwight
Come on, this will be the only thrill of your boring life.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52990
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Pam
Dwight, you may find this hard to believe, but I love my boring life.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52991
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Dwight
Come on.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52992
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Pam
Exactly the way it is.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52993
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Dwight
No, Pam.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52994
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Pam
Yes, and there's nothing you could say that would get me to run the slightest risk of losing it.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52995
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Dwight
Please? Please, Pam?
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52996
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Pam
Find someone else, I don't know. Ask Phyllis.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52997
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Dwight
I can't use Phyllis. Are you kidding me? The moment she steps off this bar I'll be launched into space. God, you're so insensitive.
Season 9 · Episode 1 · Line 52998