Pam

I just wanted to check and see if there's anything you needed before I went on my maternity leave... Yeah, I'm pregnant... Great, well, I'll write up the order. Okay, thanks.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35396

Dwight

Wait a minute! You can't do that. You cannot exploit your baby for sales.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35397

Jim

Hey, did I tell you we were going to have a baby? Oh, thank you very much. I'm excited. Oh, definitely.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35398

Dwight

No, no! You need to come by your sales honorably!

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35399

Pam

There is nothing dishonorable about talking about your life. People like it.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35400

Dwight

Hey there. Dwight Schrute here. Listen, uh, would you be interested in restocking on paper? ... Yeah, I could sure use the money. My cousin, uh, came down with a case of that nasty new goat fungus. Oh, it's just horrific. The doctor says he'd never seen it beard so quickly. Okay.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35401

Dwight

I need a baby. I'll never outsell Jim and Pam without one. Also, I've been noticing a gaping hole in my life. Sometimes I wake up cradling a gourd.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35402

Pam

Kevin, you're such a gourmand.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35403

Kevin

I cooked my way through Julia Childs' cookbook, and now, I'm halfway through the Twilight cookbook. Last night, I had Edward's corn flake chicken.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35404

Pam

Hmm.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35405

Kevin

Pregnant Pam and I, we get hungry at the same times, so we've been eating together a lot. Not all meals. Just second breakfast, lunch, second lunch, and first dinner.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35406

Kevin

I thought that maybe we should do something special for early dinner. One last ultra feast.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35407

Pam

Mmmm, that sounds great. What are you thinking?

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35408

Kevin

I think it should be a surprise.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35409

Meredith

Oh, getting there, huh?

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35410

Pam

No, no. I still have time.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35411

Pam

I'm having contractions, but they're irregular and far apart. So I'm not really in labor, I'm near labor.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35412

Jim

Yeah, we're slow-playing it because of our stupid HMO.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35413

Pam

If we check in after midnight, I get an extra day to recuperate surrounded by doctors.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35414

Jim

Not to mention the extra night's sleep in the hospital will be very nice because once we bring the baby home, if it's crying all night, one of us is going to have to take care of it. And I do not plan on helping unless it's a boy.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35415

Pam

I cannot wait for that joke to be over.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35416

Pam

Ooh.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35417

Michael

Oh, oh, oh! Contraption! She's contrapting! Okay, you know what? I think I should drive you guys to the hospital, and here is why. I am a licensed, classy driver in the state of Pennsylvania. I gassed up the car...

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35418

Jim

Michael.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35419

Michael

Actually, I put diesel in this time, trying to save some money.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35420

Jim

Michael, you shouldn't have done that.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35421

Michael

Happy to do it. Also, I did a heck of a job baby-proofing this office.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35422

Pam

You know the baby's not going to live here, right?

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35423

Michael

Well, the baby was conceived here, so might as well live here a little bit, too.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35424

Jim

Hmm, that logic's air-tight, but unfortunately it wasn't conceived here. Burning man, port-o-potty.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35425

Michael

Oh, yuck! TMI! How was it? I don't want to know. Tell me later. Let's go! Let's go! Hospital!

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35426

Pam

Okay, okay, we're not going to the hospital. We are waiting until midnight.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35427

Erin

Ooh, spooky. But why?

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35428

Jim

Because the insurance company only covers two nights.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35429

Pam

Everything's fine. We have plenty of time.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35430

Nick

Well, you don't want to wait too long, Pam. Otherwise the baby's going to become a teenager in there and you'll be up all night, from the rock music.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35431

Michael

Shut up, Nick. What a weird thing to say. Weird I.T. nerd. Don't get revenge on me, nerd.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35432

Angela

What are you looking at?

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35433

Dwight

Ha, nerd.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35434

Kelly

Did you know that labor can last weeks? Then they take your insides out and they just plop them on a table, and sometimes epidurals don't work, and you can poop yourself.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35435

Dwight

Bare my child.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35436

Angela

Excuse me?

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35437

Dwight

I want to have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything... Very well. Let's meet at 4:00 PM at our old meeting spot and bang it out.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35438

Jim

That's seven minutes. Here we go. This is happening. Come on.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35439

Pam

Hold on, hold on. It isn't midnight yet.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35440

Jim

Are you serious? Pam.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35441

Pam

No, the doctor said every five to seven minutes.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35442

Jim

I... Pam, please.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35443

Pam

I'm going to be okay, we should really try to make it until midnight.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35444

Andy

Yeah, no, you really should. Because if your baby's born tomorrow, he's going to have the same birthday as Butt-mud Brooks. My old roommate.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35445

Pam

Did you hear that? Butt-mud Brooks.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35446

Jim

Okay, but we are leaving at five minutes apart.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35447

Pam

Five minutes apart.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35448

Jim

So, the plan was seven minutes. But we're calling an audible, because that's her call. Because she's the quarterback. I'm just the left tackle who happened to get her pregnant.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35449

Pam

Okay, stop watching me.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35450

Jim

Okay, crazy. I think I have some better things to do with my day than worry about you, like sell printers.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35451

Pam

Mm-hmm.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35452

Jim

Well not until Friday 20% off toner cartridges, that's a big deal. While we're on the subject, why don't I just run you down to the hospital and we'll just do a quick check?

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35453

Pam

Not until midnight.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35454

Andy

Guys. Word of advice. Speaking as a former baby. Don't get too hung up on baby names. I was named Walter Jr. after my father until I was about six or so, when my parents changed their minds.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35455

Erin

I thought you said your younger brother was named Walter Jr.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35456

Andy

My brother was born, and my parents felt he better exemplified the Walter Jr. name, so they gave it to him. I was given Andrew, which they got out of a baby name book.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35457

Jim

You know, it's getting real crowded in here. Maybe you guys should all go back to work because the day's not out yet.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35458

Michael

No, no, no, no, no. You know what? You can't tell us what to do because you are not co-manager anymore.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35459

Jim

Okay, I feel like this noise is going to prevent Pam from being able to listen to her body's signals.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35460

Pam

Actually, the distractions are good. I mean, I don't think I'm going to make it until midnight if I'm just sitting here thinking about it.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35461

Michael

Distractions are good! That means conference room, five minutes! No, no, five seconds! Right now, right now! Conference room! Topic, potpourri! Let's go!

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35462

Michael

Um, I am sort of a master of distraction. When I was a kid, my mom received compliments left and right from my teachers on how I was always able to distract others in class. Try to think, what were the first thirteen colonies? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35463

Michael

The purpose for this meeting is to take Pam's mind off of what's going on inside of her body.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35464

Andy

Can we do sleight of hand tricks?

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35465

Michael

I will allow that.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35466

Andy

Yes! Can anyone do those?

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35467

Stanley

I'm going to go look at the Internet.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35468

Jim

Oh! Oh, alright. That's a good one.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35469

Pam

Oh, okay, uh, sorry, guys. Just, um, keep talking.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35470

Michael

Okay.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35471

Kelly

Oh my God, Pam, you are a woman warrior.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35472

Pam

Oh, thanks, Kelly.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35473

Michael

Does anybody have anything? Anything interesting, any hobbies, uh, special skills?

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35474

Pam

Yes, this is the only time I'm ever going to make this request.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35475

Michael

Yes, Phyl?

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35476

Phyllis

I can put on lipstick the way Molly Ringwald does in The Breakfast Club.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35477

Michael

Nope, nope, I don't think anybody wants to see that.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35478

Andy

I can do the evolution of dance-dance.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35479

Michael

That sounds good! Do you need some music, or...? Okay.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35480

Andy

Nope, actually music would just throw me off. I need complete silence. Okay... You're clapping. I need complete silence. Totally threw me off, so I'm going to have to start over. Evolution of dance-dance.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35481

Ryan

'You let me in your bed. But now, I sleep alone. Trapped with the forgotten in my detritus home.'

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35482

Erin

Affirmed. Seattle Slew. Secretariat. Citation. Assault. Count Fleet. Rollaway. War Admiral. Omaha. Gallant Fox... And... I know this. Uh... The jockey was Johnny Loftus. Sired by Star Shoot.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35483

Angela

Good afternoon.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35484

Dwight

Have a seat.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35485

Angela

What is this?

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35486

Dwight

Before we conceive a child, uh, it is important that we bang out a parenting contract.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35487

Angela

Of course.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35488

Dwight

It's been a long time since we've come down here separately.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35489

Angela

You know I was thinking...

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35490

Dwight

Now, then. Let's get to it, shall we? Item one: Child will be breast fed by the mother for exactly six months, then weaned onto a nutrient-rich winter vegetable mash provided by the father, Dwight Schrute, hereafter referred to as Morpheus. Agreed?

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35491

Angela

Agreed.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35492

Michael

Where are we? We have every six minutes, ladies and gentlemen. Another seventy five contractions and you are going to be there.

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35493

Kevin

For the love of God, Pam, do it for ultra feast!

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35494

Jim

Okay, you know what? I'm going to go give, uh, doctor Asmani a quick call. He'd probably know...

Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35495

"The Delivery" Quotes