"Baby Shower" Quotes (page 2)

Name: Baby Shower
Released: 2008-10-16

Every line from The Office season 5, episode 3, in script order. First aired October 16, 2008.

311 quotes · page 2 of 4

Angela

Well, it does. That's me.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23548
Andy

That's not you.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23549
Angela

Yes it is.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23550
Andy

That's mean, come on, that's -

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23551
Michael

Ahoy, matey.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23552
Holly

Ahoy.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23553
Michael

Ahoy. So, how you doin'?

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23554
Holly

Good.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23555
Michael

Um, listen. Jan Levinson is coming in today, and she is in the terminal stages of her pregnancy - the child of which I have a vested interest. It's all kind of weird. Anyway, she is incredibly... fat and enormous right now - extremely unattractive. And you are, on the other hand, one of the more attractive people in the office. So, while she's here I am going to be acting kind of cold to you. And I am doing this to pay respect to her bloated feelings. And I'm treating Ryan the same way.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23556
Holly

Of course. Yeah.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23557
Stanley

I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles, I'm constantly hungry - do you think my nipples don't get sore too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23558
Jim

Jan.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23559
Jan

Hi, Jim!

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23560
Jim

What do we have here?

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23561
Jan

This is my baby.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23562
Jim

Really...

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23563
Dwight

Oh no...

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23564
Dwight

Jan had the baby and Michael wasn't there to mark it. So the baby could be anybody's. Except Michael's.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23565
Michael

So this is Astird.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23566
Jan

Astrid.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23567
Michael

Oh, OK. Why didn't you call me?

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23568
Jan

Well, um, you know, labor just kind of started very suddenly and-

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23569
Michael

I could have helped.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23570
Jan

And the birth instructor thought it wasn't a good idea for you to be there, so...

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23571
Michael

Oh, man. Him? That guy? He had no sense of humor and I proved him wrong in so many ways.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23572
Jan

OK, you don't have any idea what I've been through, so, let's...

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23573
Michael

No, I don't!

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23574
Jan

I'm sorry, I thought today at the baby shower would be a good time for the two of you to meet.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23575
Michael

Can I hold her?

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23576
Jan

Yes, yes you can. You know, I think, just leave her in the car seat. Yeah.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23577
Michael

All right, OK.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23578
Michael

I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me, and I think it's because they see me as one of them. But cooler, and with my life put together a little bit. If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no government, and things could get terrible. It actually, probably - it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23579
Michael

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege and honor to present for the first time in her life and in the office: Assst...

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23580
Jan

trid.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23581
Michael

...trid Levinson. Hi! Astrid, this is everybody, look. This is your family. You're going to know them for the rest of your life.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23582
Jan

Well...

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23583
Michael

Well, he may not be here. Say hello! OK, here we go. Lion King!

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23584
Jan

Michael, Michael, Michael, that's... yeah... that's too high. I'll take that.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23585
Michael

OK, come on, let's get our shower on. Conference room, choppity chip chop.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23586
Holly

You OK? You seem kind of...

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23587
Michael

I'm fine, weirdo. Such an HR weirdo. Try not to suck all the air out of there when you walk in.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23588
Michael

Ready to play some games? Let's do it!

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23589
Kevin

Michael, the baby's already been born.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23590
Michael

Uh, duh.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23591
Kevin

So we had games planned but the baby ruins all of them.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23592
Michael

No, the baby doesn't ruin anything, Kevin, OK? The baby multiplies the fun. Let's just do what you were going to do.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23593
Kevin

OK... Who wants to guess when the baby will be born?

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23594
Michael

All right, how about some presents? I want to see some presents. I got this so I can write down for thank-you notes.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23595
Jan

Thank you. That's very sweet of you.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23596
Michael

Whatta we got?

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23597
Angela

Um, we all chipped in and got you this stroller.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23598
Michael

Oh!

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23599
Jan

Thank you.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23600
Michael

She already has a stroller.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23601
Kelly

And this is way worse than the stroller she came with.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23602
Oscar

She's got an Orbit; that's a twelve hundred dollar stroller.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23603
Dwight

Huh. Twelve hundred dollars for a stroller? Phhhbt.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23604
Michael

OK, what else?

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23605
Dwight

Twelve hundred dollars is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller should be indestructible.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23606
Jan

Being good isn't always easy / No matter how hard I try / When he started sweet-talking to me / He'd come and tell me everything is all right / He'd kiss and tell me everything is all right / Can I get away again tonight / The only one...

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23607
Pam

Hey you!

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23608
Jim

Hey! You busy?

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23609
Pam

Not even. I'm doing laundry for the first time in like a month.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23610
Jim

OK, OK, so you gotta hear this. So, Jan's shower is going on right now, and she's singing 'Son of a Preacher Man' and everyone's just staring at her.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23611
Pam

I can't hear anything, there's like, there's like machines going-

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23612
Jim

The song is about losing your virginity next to a church, and guess what - she's been singing for the last twenty minutes!

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23613
Pam

I can't hear anything!

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23614
Jim

Oh. OK, well you know what, I um, just call me later.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23615
Pam

OK.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23616
Pam

I'm not frustrated. Even if I were in Scranton, Jim and I would have days like this. We're just... a little out of sync. You know, that's all. Oh, great. I washed my lipstick.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23617
Jan

How well I remember / The look that was in his eyes / Stealing kisses from me on the sly / Taking time to make time / Telling me that he's all mine / Learning from each other's knowing / Looking to see how much we've grown / And the only one...

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23618
Dwight

Don't hit the fence. Oh no, my child!

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23619
Dwight

Don't get stuck on the barbed wire!

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23620
Dwight

Playtime is over!

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23621
Andy

So Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23622
Jan

Well, actually, I, uh, I had a tub birth. And it was really, really quite amazing.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23623
Angela

You gave birth in a tub?

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23624
Jan

Yeah, it's a really nice transition from womb to world, you know, kind of like a big womb.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23625
Kelly

Um, so you're in the tub with everything?

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23626
Jan

Oh, yeah, the afterbirth floats, yeah.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23627
Creed

Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23628
Jan

Oh no, it's actually really hygienic, Creed.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23629
Creed

Ugh.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23630
Stanley

I'm done.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23631
Oscar

Me too.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23632
Jan

And after the birth you get out and deliver the afterbirth.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23633
Michael

Hey! Hey, no no no no no no no no. No. No. This is the birth story. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. And I should have been there. I should have been there to witness this.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23634
Michael

I could have helped.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23635
Jan

You're sad about this. I know that, and I wish that I... but... would it help if you held Astrid for just a, a little bit?

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23636
Michael

Uh, yeah.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23637
Jan

All right. Um, I'm just going to lie down for a couple of minutes. I'm exhausted, so um. Remind me to talk to you about Astrid's 529. Wake me in twenty.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23638
Michael

I usually love babies, but when I held Astrid I just felt... shortchanged.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23639
Michael

Phyllis? Could you take-.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23640
Michael

Hey guys.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23641
Darryl

What's up, Mike?

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23642
Michael

Uh, I need some advice from one baby daddy to another.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23643
Darryl

You a baby daddy?

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23644
Michael

Yeah, I a baby daddy. Um, when you first became a baby daddy, did you have an immediate connection with that baby? Like, the first time that you held it, did you find that with your baby baby?

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23645
Darryl

Hell yeah. You know why? Because that was my baby.

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23646
Michael

I just saw this baby daddy-

Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23647