Every quote from The Office season 5, episode 3, in script order. First aired October 16, 2008.
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Dwight
Hey Michael?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23448
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Michael
Yeah.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23449
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Dwight
Contractions are coming every ten minutes.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23450
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Michael
OK, just remember to keep breathing.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23451
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Dwight
My cervix is ripening.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23452
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Michael
OK, good.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23453
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Jim
Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through delusion.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23454
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Dwight
Michael! My water's breaking!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23455
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Michael
Oh, OK! OK!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23456
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Dwight
Aaaaaaaa! What do you do? What do you do?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23457
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Michael
I get a call from Jan and I meet her at the hospital.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23458
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Dwight
Right. Highways or surface roads?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23459
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Michael
I take Quincy Ave to Gibson.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23460
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Dwight
No, Gibson is covered in potholes. Your car breaks down. Adapt!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23461
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Michael
I checked the route - there are no potholes. Come on, get in here and have the baby.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23462
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Dwight
It's about adapting to the circumstances.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23463
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Michael
Andy, would you like to have my baby?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23464
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Andy
Yes! Yeah. Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23465
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Dwight
No. OK, no. I'm crowning! I'm crowning! Aaaaaaaa!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23466
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Michael
All right, OK. Sorry. Sorry. Here we go. Here we go!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23467
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Dwight
The pressure! The pressure!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23468
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Michael
Do it! Do it! Scream! Scream it out, scream it out, scream it out.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23469
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Dwight
Aaaaaaaa!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23470
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Michael
Aaaaaaaa!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23471
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Dwight
Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23472
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Michael
Just keep pushing...
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23473
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Dwight
Hold me!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23474
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Michael
I'm right here.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23475
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Dwight
Cradle my head!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23476
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Michael
I'm right here, I'm right here.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23477
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Dwight
I'm screaming, I'm screaming, I'm screaming! Aaaaaaaa!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23478
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Michael
All right. Dwight. Just push and breathe.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23479
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Dwight
Numb me up. I want anesthesia!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23480
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Michael
Shhh. No, you can't have it. It's too late.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23481
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Dwight
No! I don't want natural!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23482
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Michael
No. You have to just push it out!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23483
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Dwight
OK!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23484
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Michael
Keep simulating.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23485
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Dwight
Aaaaaaaa!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23486
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Michael
OK!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23487
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Dwight
Do you have the Sharpie?!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23488
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Michael
Keep simulating.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23489
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Dwight
Do you have the Sharpie?!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23490
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Michael
Yes, I do!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23491
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Dwight
OK! When the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of a mark that only you could recognize and no baby snatcher can ever copy.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23492
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Michael
OK.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23493
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Dwight
Ready?!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23494
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Michael
Yes.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23495
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Dwight
Aaaaaaaa!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23496
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Michael
Aaaaaaaa! It's coming! Here we go! Oh! God! Wow! What was on that?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23497
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Dwight
Butter. Newborns are slippery.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23498
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Michael
Nice touch. Good. Let's try that again.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23499
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Michael
It is going to be the happiest day of my life.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23500
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Michael
Hello ladies, how's my shower going? Phyllis, did you get the live storks?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23501
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Phyllis
No.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23502
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Michael
Damnit, Phyllis! I'm sorry. Damnit, Phyllis. It was hard enough to convince Jan to come. So are we set for refreshments?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23503
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Angela
Per your instructions, we have the personalized M&Ms with the baby names. This is your boy bowl, with the name 'Chevy.' And this is the girl bowl, with M&Ms with the name 'Astird.'
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23504
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Phyllis
That can't be right.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23505
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Angela
Michael wrote down 'Astird.'
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23506
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Michael
She said it is the name of a Viking princess. So...
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23507
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Meredith
Ass...turd.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23508
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Michael
I know. I know. It is beautiful. No. Thank you. Is this it? I mean, is this... Two bowls of M&Ms and some balloons? You know what Phyllis, I think you need to step it up. I think you need to get the lead out. Because if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here. We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower. Well you know what, where's my golden shower, Phyllis?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23509
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Michael
It does not matter to me at all whether this baby is biologically mine. I am going to love it. It's like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. Have you seen that video? It is... it's so bizarre and unnatural, but... it, it happens.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23510
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Phyllis
Hey, I'm collecting for the baby shower.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23511
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Kevin
But Phyllis, it's not his baby.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23512
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Phyllis
I know, Kevin.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23513
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Oscar
Why do we have to pay money to get a gift for his ex-girlfriend's unborn sperm bank baby?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23514
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Phyllis
Look at it as if you're paying for the cake, not the baby. Sheet cake.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23515
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Phyllis
I do enjoy being the head of the Party Planning Committee. I'm no longer under Angela's heel, and her little grape head is under mine.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23516
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Michael
Hey, hey. What are you doing? Don't talk to them.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23517
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Phyllis
Sorry.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23518
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Michael
Make the party. Don't - make the party, please, Phyllis. Pump it!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23519
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Pam
So you know Stacy, right?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23520
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Jim
Right, the one from England.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23521
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Pam
There's no one from England, Jim. Katie studied in Ireland - this is Stacy, the one who does the Murakami-style collages.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23522
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Jim
Oh. Right, that style.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23523
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Pam
So, Stacy and Eric get to Bogre's DeTech half an hour early so they don't have to sit on the slab.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23524
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Jim
OK...
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23525
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Pam
Anyway, Bogre's TA Sarah Kaya comes in.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23526
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Jim
Wait, who's Sarah Kayacombsen?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23527
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Pam
No, Sarah Kaya comes in. Don't interrupt, I have like thirty seconds to finish this and get to DigiPres.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23528
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Jim
OK.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23529
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Pam
So Sarah Kaya says to Eric, 'No way. You can't reserve seats.' And Stacy gets all up in her face and Sarah Kaya picks up Stacy's new PM pad and throws it at the light box.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23530
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Jim
No... way!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23531
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Pam
Yes!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23532
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Jim
Ha ha. That's hilarious?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23533
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Pam
No, it's horrible! Jim, she might get arrested.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23534
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Jim
Who, Stacy?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23535
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Pam
No, Stacy is a boy. Ugh. Frustrating. Why can't you just be in art class with me?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23536
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Jim
Uh...
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23537
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Pam
Oh, wait, I gotta go, class starting.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23538
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Jim
OK, I'll ta...I'll talk to you later. That was a good story.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23539
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Dwight
Who's Sarah Kayacombsen?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23540
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Andy
Yo. I got the Nard-puppy for ya. What's going on here?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23541
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Angela
It's a baby game where you guess whose picture is whose.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23542
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Andy
Awww. Check it out - who would have thought that this little baby would be marrying that little baby?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23543
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Angela
That's Phyllis.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23544
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Andy
Well -
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23545
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Angela
Yeah, it is. So I hope you two are very happy together. Pervert.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23546
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Andy
Why would that make me a pervert, I -
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23547