Every line from The Office season 5, episode 3, in script order. First aired October 16, 2008.
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Dwight
Hey Michael?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23448
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Michael
Yeah.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23449
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Dwight
Contractions are coming every ten minutes.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23450
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Michael
OK, just remember to keep breathing.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23451
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Dwight
My cervix is ripening.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23452
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Michael
OK, good.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23453
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Jim
Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through delusion.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23454
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Dwight
Michael! My water's breaking!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23455
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Michael
Oh, OK! OK!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23456
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Dwight
Aaaaaaaa! What do you do? What do you do?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23457
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Michael
I get a call from Jan and I meet her at the hospital.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23458
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Dwight
Right. Highways or surface roads?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23459
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Michael
I take Quincy Ave to Gibson.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23460
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Dwight
No, Gibson is covered in potholes. Your car breaks down. Adapt!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23461
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Michael
I checked the route - there are no potholes. Come on, get in here and have the baby.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23462
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Dwight
It's about adapting to the circumstances.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23463
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Michael
Andy, would you like to have my baby?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23464
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Andy
Yes! Yeah. Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23465
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Dwight
No. OK, no. I'm crowning! I'm crowning! Aaaaaaaa!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23466
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Michael
All right, OK. Sorry. Sorry. Here we go. Here we go!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23467
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Dwight
The pressure! The pressure!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23468
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Michael
Do it! Do it! Scream! Scream it out, scream it out, scream it out.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23469
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Dwight
Aaaaaaaa!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23470
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Michael
Aaaaaaaa!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23471
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Dwight
Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23472
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Michael
Just keep pushing...
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23473
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Dwight
Hold me!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23474
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Michael
I'm right here.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23475
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Dwight
Cradle my head!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23476
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Michael
I'm right here, I'm right here.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23477
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Dwight
I'm screaming, I'm screaming, I'm screaming! Aaaaaaaa!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23478
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Michael
All right. Dwight. Just push and breathe.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23479
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Dwight
Numb me up. I want anesthesia!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23480
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Michael
Shhh. No, you can't have it. It's too late.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23481
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Dwight
No! I don't want natural!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23482
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Michael
No. You have to just push it out!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23483
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Dwight
OK!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23484
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Michael
Keep simulating.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23485
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Dwight
Aaaaaaaa!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23486
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Michael
OK!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23487
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Dwight
Do you have the Sharpie?!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23488
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Michael
Keep simulating.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23489
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Dwight
Do you have the Sharpie?!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23490
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Michael
Yes, I do!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23491
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Dwight
OK! When the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of a mark that only you could recognize and no baby snatcher can ever copy.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23492
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Michael
OK.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23493
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Dwight
Ready?!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23494
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Michael
Yes.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23495
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Dwight
Aaaaaaaa!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23496
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Michael
Aaaaaaaa! It's coming! Here we go! Oh! God! Wow! What was on that?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23497
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Dwight
Butter. Newborns are slippery.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23498
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Michael
Nice touch. Good. Let's try that again.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23499
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Michael
It is going to be the happiest day of my life.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23500
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Michael
Hello ladies, how's my shower going? Phyllis, did you get the live storks?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23501
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Phyllis
No.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23502
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Michael
Damnit, Phyllis! I'm sorry. Damnit, Phyllis. It was hard enough to convince Jan to come. So are we set for refreshments?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23503
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Angela
Per your instructions, we have the personalized M&Ms with the baby names. This is your boy bowl, with the name 'Chevy.' And this is the girl bowl, with M&Ms with the name 'Astird.'
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23504
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Phyllis
That can't be right.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23505
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Angela
Michael wrote down 'Astird.'
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23506
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Michael
She said it is the name of a Viking princess. So...
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23507
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Meredith
Ass...turd.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23508
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Michael
I know. I know. It is beautiful. No. Thank you. Is this it? I mean, is this... Two bowls of M&Ms and some balloons? You know what Phyllis, I think you need to step it up. I think you need to get the lead out. Because if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here. We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower. Well you know what, where's my golden shower, Phyllis?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23509
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Michael
It does not matter to me at all whether this baby is biologically mine. I am going to love it. It's like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. Have you seen that video? It is... it's so bizarre and unnatural, but... it, it happens.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23510
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Phyllis
Hey, I'm collecting for the baby shower.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23511
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Kevin
But Phyllis, it's not his baby.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23512
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Phyllis
I know, Kevin.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23513
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Oscar
Why do we have to pay money to get a gift for his ex-girlfriend's unborn sperm bank baby?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23514
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Phyllis
Look at it as if you're paying for the cake, not the baby. Sheet cake.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23515
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Phyllis
I do enjoy being the head of the Party Planning Committee. I'm no longer under Angela's heel, and her little grape head is under mine.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23516
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Michael
Hey, hey. What are you doing? Don't talk to them.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23517
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Phyllis
Sorry.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23518
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Michael
Make the party. Don't - make the party, please, Phyllis. Pump it!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23519
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Pam
So you know Stacy, right?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23520
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Jim
Right, the one from England.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23521
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Pam
There's no one from England, Jim. Katie studied in Ireland - this is Stacy, the one who does the Murakami-style collages.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23522
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Jim
Oh. Right, that style.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23523
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Pam
So, Stacy and Eric get to Bogre's DeTech half an hour early so they don't have to sit on the slab.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23524
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Jim
OK...
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23525
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Pam
Anyway, Bogre's TA Sarah Kaya comes in.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23526
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Jim
Wait, who's Sarah Kayacombsen?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23527
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Pam
No, Sarah Kaya comes in. Don't interrupt, I have like thirty seconds to finish this and get to DigiPres.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23528
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Jim
OK.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23529
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Pam
So Sarah Kaya says to Eric, 'No way. You can't reserve seats.' And Stacy gets all up in her face and Sarah Kaya picks up Stacy's new PM pad and throws it at the light box.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23530
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Jim
No... way!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23531
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Pam
Yes!
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23532
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Jim
Ha ha. That's hilarious?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23533
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Pam
No, it's horrible! Jim, she might get arrested.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23534
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Jim
Who, Stacy?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23535
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Pam
No, Stacy is a boy. Ugh. Frustrating. Why can't you just be in art class with me?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23536
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Jim
Uh...
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23537
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Pam
Oh, wait, I gotta go, class starting.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23538
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Jim
OK, I'll ta...I'll talk to you later. That was a good story.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23539
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Dwight
Who's Sarah Kayacombsen?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23540
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Andy
Yo. I got the Nard-puppy for ya. What's going on here?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23541
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Angela
It's a baby game where you guess whose picture is whose.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23542
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Andy
Awww. Check it out - who would have thought that this little baby would be marrying that little baby?
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23543
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Angela
That's Phyllis.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23544
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Andy
Well -
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23545
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Angela
Yeah, it is. So I hope you two are very happy together. Pervert.
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23546
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Andy
Why would that make me a pervert, I -
Season 5 · Episode 3 · Line 23547