Every line from The Office season 5, episode 22, in script order. First aired April 16, 2009.
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Andy
Totally.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29408
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Jim
Okay.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29409
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Michael
Hello, Dwight. What's with the shirt? Are you alright?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29410
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Dwight
I'm sorry, Michael
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29411
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Charles Miner
Hi, Michael.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29412
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Michael
Oh my God! Run! Run! It's a setup. Setup!
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29413
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Charles Miner
No, Mich-Michael.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29414
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Michael
Dwight, run!
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29415
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Charles Miner
Michael, no, let's be cool, ok?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29416
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Michael
You be cool.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29417
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Charles Miner
Yes.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29418
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Michael
Just-what's going on?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29419
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Charles Miner
We need to talk about our two companies, and how we should behave. Dwight tells me you've been pestering him for company info.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29420
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Michael
Mm-do... Dwight would not-
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29421
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Charles Miner
He did.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29422
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Dwight
I did, Michael. I was upset about the shirt sleeves at first, but now I'm okay with it.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29423
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Charles Miner
Michael, I want you to stop pestering my salesmen, and I want you to leave Dunder Mifflin alone. Do you understand?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29424
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Michael
I. Understand. Nothing.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29425
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Michael
Wow.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29426
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Pam
Michael, are you alright?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29427
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Michael
It was a setup. Dwight told Charles. He told him.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29428
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Pam
Tell us what you're talking about.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29429
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Ryan
Yeah.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29430
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Michael
It's like, a girl says she'll make out with you, but then her boyfriend is waiting around the corner with a pee-filled balloon.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29431
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Pam
We can't help you if you don't just tell us what happened.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29432
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Michael
I got hit in the face with a pee-filled water balloon, Pam, ok? I don't know how they did it. They filled the balloon with pee. A funnel? I don't know. Is that clear enough for you?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29433
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Andy
Hey, Jim.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29434
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Jim
I just totally blew a sales call.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29435
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Andy
Bro, I do that all the time.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29436
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Jim
Yeah, well, with you it's different, okay? Cause I just- I just suck. I just- I suck!
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29437
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Andy
Tuna, be nice to my friend Jim, ok?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29438
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Jim
Why? When I look in the mirror, I don't like the face that looks back.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29439
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Andy
Well, so what? Your body's a ten.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29440
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Jim
Forget it.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29441
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Andy
Jim.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29442
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Jim
I said forget it.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29443
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Dwight
Dwight Schrute.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29444
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Michael
Hello, traitor.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29445
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Dwight
I think you have the wrong number, Michael.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29446
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Michael
I want you to listen to me, friend, and I want you to listen to me good. I am going to come at you, and I am going to come at you hard. I am going to steal all of your clients, and then I am going to kill them in front of you.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29447
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Pam
Michael!
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29448
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Michael
I'm just getting hardcore with him.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29449
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Ryan
Finally.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29450
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Michael
Yes, and hear me, Dwight, when I say I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. Bill Cosby.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29451
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Dwight
Mr. Schofield, please?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29452
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Secretary
He's in a meeting.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29453
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Dwight
Dammit!
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29454
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Michael
Is Mr. Schofield there?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29455
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Automated phone voice
If you'd like to reach an outside line, please dial nine first.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29456
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Stanley
So, you think Michael's going after the whale, huh?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29457
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Dwight
I have a long term relationship with Harper Collins publishers and Mr. Schofield. I'm not worried.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29458
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Phyllis
You sound worried.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29459
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Dwight
And you have bad skin. Oh, look everyone, we're all making observations!
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29460
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Michael
Well, if you could do me a big favor and tell Mr. Schofield that Michael Scott has tickets to the Wilkes-Barre Penguins game this weekend, and if he would like to join me... Hello, Daniel. How are you? Uh-huh. I sure do. Yes. Wanted to ask, did Kathy ever make JV?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29461
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Ryan
Look at that old dude and his rolodex go.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29462
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Pam
I spent a month putting that rolodex on his Blackberry, which he now uses as a nightlight.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29463
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Michael
Wow. High score?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29464
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Dwight
And no, I cannot lower my current prices. Hold on. Hello? Mr. Schofield, thank you so much for taking the time to talk. I wanted to discuss your contract with us- oh, you're considering him. I thought Michael Scott left the paper business after his nervous breakdown.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29465
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Dwight
Michael has been talking to my biggest client. Master and apprentice pitted against one another for the fate of the greater Scranton area paper market. So it's not exactly like 'Highlander,' but still...
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29466
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Michael
Hello, Dwight, I've been expecting your call. What do you want?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29467
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Dwight
I would like to arrange a truce.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29468
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Michael
So you heard Schofield is considering a switch, and you want mercy?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29469
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Dwight
Meet me in our spot in four minutes.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29470
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Michael
No. No. You think I am going to fall for that? There's no-
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29471
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Dwight
Michael.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29472
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Michael
Meet- Ok, go to the spot and then walk 100 feet.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29473
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Dwight
In which direction?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29474
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Michael
Toward the sun.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29475
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Dwight
At what time?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29476
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Michael
Noon.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29477
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Dwight
That-
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29478
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Michael
You have two seconds.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29479
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Dwight
Michael. Sorry.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29480
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Michael
Dwight.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29481
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Dwight
Michael.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29482
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Michael
I hope you're not recording this conversation. Good. I cannot believe that you sided with Charles.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29483
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Dwight
You were making me do things that were not all right.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29484
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Michael
So you just rat me out? You could have said no.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29485
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Dwight
And not come through for you?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29486
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Michael
If you want a truce, I will give you a truce.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29487
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Dwight
I want a truce.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29488
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Michael
I do too.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29489
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Dwight
Let me take you and your whole company out for lunch at Alfredo's.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29490
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Michael
Cooper's.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29491
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Dwight
I had fish yesterday.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29492
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Michael
Damn it.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29493
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Michael
Oh. Dwight-elicious. Where you at?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29494
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Dwight
Oh, hi, Michael. I'm so sorry I'm late. I got stuck in traffic.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29495
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Michael
Really? That's weird. We didn't see any.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29496
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Dwight
I hit a bear.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29497
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Michael
What?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29498
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Dwight
He's technically fine. I imagine the true horror will be when he wakes up in a zoo. Hey, listen, will you do me a favor and order the meatball parm for me, with extra cheese?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29499
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Michael
Yeah, sure.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29500
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Dwight
Ok, I will see you very soon, alright?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29501
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Michael
Okay, see you in a bit. Dwight hit a bear. He'll be here in a sec.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29502
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Pam
Sounds neat.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29503
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Ryan
We can spend a couple days there.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29504
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Pam
Oh my God, I think we've been robbed!
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29505
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Michael
Yeah.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29506
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Dwight
Did you enjoy your lunch?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29507