Every line from The Office season 5, episode 22, in script order. First aired April 16, 2009.
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Michael
Hup!
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29308
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Pam
Things are a little slow here. And there's only so much cold-calling you can do in a day. Turns out there's no limit to the number of cheese puffs you can throw at someone's face.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29309
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Michael
Hup!
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29310
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Pam
We're getting pretty good at it.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29311
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Jim
Andy put down a bunch of deposits on stuff for his wedding with Angela, but then she was sleeping with Dwight for... several years. Wait, no, that can't be right.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29312
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Pam
The timeline's messy.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29313
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Jim
Anyway, now we are going bargain hunting in the haunted graveyard of their love.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29314
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Andy
This is my solo.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29315
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Pam
I'm confused. Am I walking down the aisle to 'You Can Call Me Al?'
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29316
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Andy
Trust me. You will not be walking. You will be boogie-ing.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29317
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Jim
I am extremely interested. So, how much will all of this cost?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29318
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Andy
Well, 12 guys, airfare, three nights in a hotel, food per diem, table up front for merch... $9,000.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29319
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Pam
I don't know. It seems like a lot for an a cappella group from a college we never went to.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29320
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Andy
Did you even hear the music I just played for you?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29321
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Pam
Mm-hmm.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29322
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Phyllis
What's wrong with you?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29323
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Dwight
These sleeves are cutting off my circulation. Not enough blood getting to my hands.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29324
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Phyllis
I think you look nice.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29325
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Dwight
Doesn't Charles know he's compromising my attack readiness? It's not a dress code. It's a death sentence.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29326
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Charles Miner
Looking good.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29327
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Dwight
Kay, thank you. It's a straight jacket! Okay.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29328
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Dwight
When Michael was in charge, this place was like the Roman Empire. And the Wild West. And war-torn Poland. And Poland. There was just a lot going on, so what you wore to work was the least of anybody's worries. And in that chaos, I soared.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29329
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Michael
Hey.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29330
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Dwight
Hey. Ed's Tires is thinking of making a change.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29331
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Michael
Is this good?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29332
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Dwight
They have some great kitchen ideas.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29333
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Michael
Oh. Okay. Ed's Tires, huh?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29334
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Dwight
It's small, I know.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29335
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Michael
I really appreciate it.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29336
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Dwight
Thanks, Michael. Wait, what is this?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29337
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Michael
It's for your trouble.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29338
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Dwight
Wh- I don't need $6 to help a friend.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29339
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Michael
No, no, listen, as a friend, I want you to have this.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29340
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Dwight
Michael, you know I can't take this.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29341
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Michael
Yes, I do.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29342
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Dwight
But don't forget you owe me $10.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29343
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Michael
That was four years ago. Why don't you let it go?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29344
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Dwight
Michael.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29345
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Andy
What was up with Pam being all pushy and negative in there?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29346
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Jim
I think she just didn't want a crucifix cake.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29347
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Andy
It scares me to see you going down a road that I went down.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29348
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Jim
Am I going down a road?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29349
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Andy
When I see her bossing you around like that, it just makes me wonder if this thing really has the legs to go the distance.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29350
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Jim
It's so scary how right the things you're saying are. And you're coming at it with almost no knowledge, so of course I trust your opinion on this.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29351
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Andy
I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29352
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Jim
I was going to use today to purge my inbox, but now something much more pressing has come up.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29353
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Michael
Ed's Tires. Why don't you tell them that we have fewer clients, so we can spend more time with each of them. Also, try to discuss it over Indian food, and try to mention how you distrust women.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29354
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Pam
I'm not gonna do that.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29355
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Michael
That is smart. That would not seem genuine. Ryan?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29356
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Ryan
I can get there.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29357
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Michael
Good, you take the lead on this one. Also, do not forget that he has just gone through a messy divorce.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29358
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Ryan
Oh, awesome.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29359
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Michael
Bring it in. Morning cheer.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29360
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Michael, Pam & Ryan
U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi! You ugly, huh huh, you ugly! You mama says you ugly! Hey! Go Michael Scott Paper Company!
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29361
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Pam
I'm here. I'm a part of this now.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29362
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Dwight
You needed to speak to me?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29363
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Charles Miner
Dwight, take a seat.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29364
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Dwight
I prefer to stand. Less blood clots.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29365
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Charles Miner
Nah, that's weird. You're gonna sit. Great. You know, Dwight, it has been quite a transition for all of us. Are you happy with the way things have been runnin' lately?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29366
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Dwight
Do you mean compared to the ways things ran with other bosses? Comparisons are hard.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29367
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Charles Miner
I've just been impressed with your performance and I wanted to make sure good work doesn't go unnoticed.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29368
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Dwight
Your concern is noted.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29369
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Charles Miner
Yeah, I like your work ethic. You're so... focused.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29370
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Dwight
Like a wolf. Thank you.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29371
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Charles Miner
And I wanna start givin' you more responsibility. What do you say you and I go out for a drink this week?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29372
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Dwight
Really?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29373
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Charles Miner
Definitely.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29374
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Dwight
It's firm.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29375
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Michael
I need you to get me the prices that you're charging Ed's tires so I can undercut Dunder Mifflin.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29376
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Dwight
I don't know that I can do that now. You know, uh, something's come up.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29377
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Michael
Oh n- Is it Mose? Did you put the cover on that well?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29378
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Dwight
No, Mose is fine. I roped it off. It's not about Mose. Listen, things are changing here, Michael, they're changing fast.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29379
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Michael
I'm not following you.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29380
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Dwight
Imagine... Someone has a personal hero they really wanna help. But then there's this new guy. Very cool, very Will Smith-esque, who would not like it if he helped his hero.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29381
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Michael
Personal hero, cool new guy. Okay, I think I'm getting your drift.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29382
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Dwight
Good, do you see what I'm saying?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29383
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Michael
Crystal clear. So is this for a movie that you're writing?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29384
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Dwight
No.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29385
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Michael
Can I use it?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29386
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Dwight
No.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29387
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Michael
Dwight, are you talking about us?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29388
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Dwight
It is possible that I could be talking about us.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29389
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Michael
Someone could say that it is like the situation that we are in now?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29390
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Dwight
It is the situation that we are in now.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29391
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Michael
So I would say that the old boss has always been good to Dwight, and he was there first, so he has dibs. You respect dibs, don't you?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29392
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Dwight
I'm not a barbarian.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29393
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Michael
Good. Will you meet me in 20 minutes at the spot?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29394
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Dwight
I will.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29395
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Michael
Dwight?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29396
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Dwight
Yes?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29397
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Michael
Is the cool new guy Charles?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29398
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Dwight
I've said too much.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29399
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Michael
Is it Stanley?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29400
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Jim
Hey, Andy. You know I've been thinkin about what you said-
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29401
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Andy
Noishe.'
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29402
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Jim
-I just don't know if I can do it.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29403
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Andy
That's interesting, because I hear what you're saying is that you want to do it, which means you can do it. Believe me, I broke up with Angela, and I'm like, the happiest guy ever. I mean, I'm so happy. I'm so happy. Like, total freedom, you know?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29404
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Jim
It's just that Pam gets me through the day, you know? I really rely on her. I'm pretty emotionally needy.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29405
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Andy
And you know what? I am here for you. Let me be your traveling pants. Ah, what'd you do that for?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29406
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Jim
You know that I was doin' this.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29407