Every line from The Office season 5, episode 22, in script order. First aired April 16, 2009.
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Michael
Dwight, not now, we've been robbed.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29508
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Dwight
No, Michael, you were sabotaged.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29509
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Michael
No, Dwight, we were robbed. How would you even know? You're still stuck in traffic. You?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29510
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Dwight
Me.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29511
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Michael
What about our truce?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29512
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Dwight
I broke it.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29513
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Michael
On purpose?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29514
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Dwight
Yes.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29515
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Michael
Why?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29516
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Dwight
You think this is some kind of game? No, this is a war, and I will not stop, I will not rest. You have no idea what kind of enemy you've created. You have unleashed the wolf!
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29517
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Michael
Be that as it may, I have your meatball parm sandwich here, and I am going to eat it.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29518
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Dwight
And I knew that you would do that. The meatball parm is their worst sandwich!
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29519
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Michael
Oh. Bastard!
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29520
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Dwight
Hi there. Dwight Schrute here. I was just calling to see if Michael Scott Paper was meeting all of your paper needs, and how is Brenda, age four, ponytail, and Simon, age 7? Oh, you don't say.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29521
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Dwight
Schrute comma Dwight. And on the back he wrote, 'great salesman, better friend.' 'Tall' and 'beets.'
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29522
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Dwight
And say hello to Cheri, who is your black wife. I see you're begging for mercy, huh? Well, you will find none here.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29523
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Michael
Dwight, do you mind if we talk?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29524
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Dwight
Sure. That'd be fine.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29525
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Michael
If you keep coming after us, the Michael Scott Paper Company cannot succeed.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29526
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Dwight
This is war and that is what happens.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29527
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Michael
Oh, one more thing. I'm going to have you listen while I steal your biggest client.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29528
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Dwight
Oh, no. No. No. No. No.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29529
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Michael
Oh, uh oh, I'm turning you down right now.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29530
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Dwight
Michael! Michael!
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29531
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Michael
You can hear me, but I can't hear you.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29532
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Secretary
Mr. Schofield's ready to see you now, Mr. Scott.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29533
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Michael
Oh, great. Mr. Schofield's ready to see me. Thank you so much.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29534
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Dwight
Don't let him in! He's a traitor! Michael!
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29535
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Michael
Walking in the door...
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29536
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Mr. Schofield
Michael, good to see you.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29537
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Michael
Mr. Schofield, good to see you. And I'm closing the door.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29538
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Michael
Now, when Dwight tells you that he will keep prices steady for a year, I think he is speaking out of turn.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29539
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Mr. Schofield
Really?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29540
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Michael
Yes. He does not have the authority to say that. I, on the other hand, am the president, the owner, and the founder. It is like you are buying software from Bill Gates.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29541
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Dwight
Are you saying you invented paper?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29542
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Andy
Okay, okay.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29543
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Jim
Oh, God.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29544
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Andy
Okay, Tuna.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29545
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Kelly
Hey, guys.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29546
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Jim
Hey.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29547
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Andy
Hello.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29548
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Andy
Excuse me, can I have your attention, everyone? Here's the deal, everybody, Jim Halpert is very upset and disturbed. I don't know if it was something you did, something you said, a look you gave him, maybe it was nothing at all, but here's the deal, ok? It stops now.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29549
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Kevin
I guess I could be nicer.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29550
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Phyllis
Andy, I think Jim is messing with you.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29551
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Andy
Oh, really?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29552
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Phyllis
Mm-hmm.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29553
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Jim
Okay.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29554
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Andy
Yeah, okay, what the heck is happennin' here?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29555
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Jim
Two things I need you to understand. One, Pam and I are very happy together.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29556
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Andy
Uh, that's not what was-
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29557
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Jim
And two, that stuff that happened with you and Angela is a bummer, and I know you don't think you're ever gonna find someone else, but you will. I promise you, you will.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29558
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Andy
Oh man, he got me so good. I learned something about myself today. Yeah. I wish this was a sofa, cause I feel like I could sit here and talk for hours.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29559
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Michael
What is that thing that Dwight always says? Paper is the soil in which the seeds of business grow?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29560
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Dwight
It's not the soil! It's the manure! Paper is the manure! On-time delivery is the soil! Aah!
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29561
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Secretary
Uh, hello, Dwight.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29562
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Dwight
Spin move.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29563
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Secretary
Oh-
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29564
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Dwight
Ha ha! April 13th, 2002.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29565
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Mr. Schofield
Dwight, I'm in a meeting.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29566
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Michael
That's very rude.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29567
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Dwight
I barge because I care. April 13th, 2002, that is the date when you tried to switch paper providers for an obscure sociology textbook, but were hung out to dry when the price of glossy stock increased.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29568
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Mr. Schofield
Maybe we should schedule a meeting on our-
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29569
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Dwight
La la la! Continuing. Notice my persistence and recall. Continuing! You called Dunder Mifflin, and your order was filled within an hour!
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29570
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Michael
I'm going to pull a date out of the air right now. April 13th, 2002. That is the last day that you evaluated your paper needs. Is it not? We all know that the economy is bad, and bloated companies like Dunder Mifflin...
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29571
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Dwight
Come on.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29572
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Michael
Are going to fall by the wayside. Two of their branches have closed within the last year. The Michael Scott Paper Company, however, has opened a new branch this very month.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29573
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Dwight
What he's not telling you is that he will abandon you.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29574
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Mr. Schofield
Why don't you guys just e-mail me your best offers and we can finish it up that way?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29575
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Michael
That sounds like a fantastic idea. I will see you this weekend for the Penguins. Box seats as usual.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29576
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Mr. Schofield
Uh, ok, sure.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29577
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Michael
Good, good, good. I will see you.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29578
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Dwight
Thank you, Mr. Schofield, for your time. Much appreciated. Oh, and tell me, um, how's your gay son?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29579
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Mr. Schofield
Excuse me?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29580
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Michael
I color code all my info. I wrote 'gay son' in green. Green means go, so I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange means 'Orange you glad you didn't bring it up?' Most colors mean 'Don't say it.'
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29581
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Dwight
How is Tom, the homosexual sophomore?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29582
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Michael
I wanted to start a company, not a war. Because in a war, you always fight those you are closest to. And the great tragedy of the civil war is that brother fought against brother. For what? What purpose did that serve? Apart from abolishing slavery? In that case, war was the right choice. This doesn't feel as important though. That's just how the world works, I guess.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29583
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Michael
He gives me leads and I take the leads from him and in exchange it makes him feel good. And if a friend can't make you feel good, then I don't want any friends. Except Dwight, because he is our only source of fertile leads.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29584
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Michael
Dwight just got Howard Family Dry Cleaners.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29585
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Ryan
Uncle Dave?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29586
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Michael
He's undercutting us big time. He's actually taking a loss and paying the difference out of pocket.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29587
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Ryan
That's my family. When you mess with my family, I can't be responsible for my actions.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29588
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Pam
When are you ever responsible for your actions?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29589
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Ryan
Get off my ass, you hag.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29590
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Michael
Hey, hey, hey. Something about that seems inappropriate.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29591
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Michael
Betrayal ain't just a river in Egypt.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29592
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Andy
Who is that knocking on my taste buds? Why, it's Mr. Lemon. Hmmm, nice to meet you.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29593
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Pam
It's good. But won't it feel weird cutting into a cross?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29594
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Andy
Don't think of it as a cross in the Judeo-Christian sense, think of it more as a symbol of your lives crossing in marriage.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29595
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Jim
When I think of it like that, I do not think of the other connotations.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29596
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Andy
Yes!
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29597
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Pam
I don't think so, Andy.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29598
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Jim
Sorry. Her day.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29599
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Andy
Hey, bud.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29600
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Jim
Are they looking at me?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29601
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Andy
Who?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29602
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Jim
Everyone. Everyone just keeps looking at me.
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29603
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Andy
Are you sure?
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29604
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Jim
Will you just talk to them, please? Pam just knew!
Season 5 · Episode 22 · Line 29605