Every line from The Office season 3, episode 20, in script order. First aired April 26, 2007.
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Chad Lite
Scranton Times. Chad Lite, 'Lighter Side of Life.'
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15442
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Dwight
And 'Breaking Corporate News.'
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15443
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Chad Lite
And obits.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15444
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Dwight
Oh, dear God. OK, here are your credentials. You've been granted level three security clearance.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15445
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Chad Lite
Oh...
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15446
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Dwight
Don't get too excited, that's out of 20. Right this way. Regional Manager Michael Scott will be addressing the client in the press room shortly. Have a seat, can I get you a beverage?
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15447
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Chad Lite
Uh, yeah, I'd like uh, uh---
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15448
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Dwight
Great.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15449
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Jim
Oh, Andy. You know what? We don't have a
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15450
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Andy
Jamie!
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15451
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Jim
Andy--- Ohh...
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15452
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Andy
What are you doing here?
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15453
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Jamie
Andy?
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15454
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Andy
Are you a student here?
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15455
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Jamie
Oh... yeah...
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15456
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Andy
You never told me you were in high-school!
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15457
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Jamie
This is weird. I... gotta go to Spanish.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15458
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Andy
OH MY GOD!
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15459
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Jim
Oh my God.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15460
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Andy
I had no idea.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15461
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Jim
Well... that's not gonna hold up in court.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15462
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Andy
Huh... We didn't do anything illegal. Except knock over a mailbox with her friends.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15463
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Kevin
Sir, yes, you have a valid point. I'm sorry. No, I am
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15464
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Oscar
Really, Dixon City? ...Carbondale.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15465
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Angela
Excuse me? Well, I don't see how that's our fault. And I've already told you, the official position of Dunder Mifflin is apologetic, so I don't know what you want from me.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15466
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Kelly
OK, first, I just wanna say that you are doing
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15467
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Creed
When I went over Wednesday, for the spot-check, I got a call from Debbie Brown, saying she has an emergency dentist appointment.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15468
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Dwight
Emergency dentist appointment.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15469
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Creed
Now I'm told she told her manager she had the flu. I'm a trusting guy, but uh, I just wish Debbie Brown had been there. We would have caught this.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15470
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Pam
Yes, I'll be sure someone returns your call. I'm so sorry. Bye.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15471
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Barbara
Hello, I'm looking for Michael Scott.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15472
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Michael
Mrs. Allen is our most important client... because every client is our most important client. Even though she's a pretty unimportant client, really.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15473
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Michael
And so, with the eyes of the nation upon us, I would like to say that Dunder Mifflin truly regrets this unfortunate incident. And, as a gesture of gratitude, for your continued loyalty, Mrs. Allen, I would like to present you with this novelty check, for six months of free paper or 25 reams, whichever comes first.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15474
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Dwight
You look good in this.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15475
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Michael
So, let us consider this matter ended.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15476
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Barbara
Well it isn't ended. I'm... I'm very angry. I--- I could have lost business.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15477
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Michael
I know, I know you're angry. And we are truly, truly sorry.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15478
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Barbara
I don't accept your apology. The watermark was obscene and horrifying.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15479
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Michael
Well, we are extremely sorry.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15480
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Barbara
I don't accept.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15481
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School Official
I'll be with you in a moment.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15482
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Jim
All right.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15483
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Andy
Who was that guy she was talking to? At her locker.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15484
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Jim
Not important. Because you're not dating her. Because it's a felony.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15485
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Andy
But who
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15486
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Jim
Probably
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15487
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School Official
The issue with the watermark is very serious.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15488
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Jim
Absolutely.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15489
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School Official
We teach our students that character counts.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15490
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Jim
And you should.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15491
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School Official
But---
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15492
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Andy
Pfft. You don't teach it well enough. One of your students is a
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15493
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Jim
Andy... is having a
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15494
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Andy
I want to take out an ad, in your yearbook. A full page, two words---
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15495
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Jim
Good luck.'
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15496
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Andy
That's not what I had in mind.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15497
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Kelly
Ask where he's from.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15498
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Angela
Where are you from? Ohio? That's nice. So what do you want? He's upset about the watermark.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15499
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Kelly
OK, great. Now tell him that it was an unfortunate error, and we're doing everything we can do to fix it, and that you're sorry.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15500
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Angela
It was an unfortunate error.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15501
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Kelly
And you're sorry.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15502
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Angela
...and the company has already apologized, so you can take that apology or not. I think he had Tourette's or something!
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15503
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Michael
We... are going to do everything humanly possible, to ensure that this never happens again.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15504
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Barbara
Well, it--- it doesn't help, because it already happened to me.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15505
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Michael
The watermark... it's a one time thing.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15506
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Barbara
I don't care! It was disgusting. Cartoon characters having sex?
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15507
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Dwight
May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15508
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Michael
OK...
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15509
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Dwight
I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin' a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15510
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Michael
What... can I do, for you?
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15511
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Barbara
I, for starters, I think that you should resign.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15512
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Michael
Well... OK, well... Um, wasn't really my fault. The guys at the papermill---
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15513
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Barbara
You're the head---
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15514
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Michael
The guys at the papermill--- No no no!
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15515
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Barbara
You're the head of the company!
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15516
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Michael
I'm
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15517
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Barbara
Yes, and that makes it your responsibility---
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15518
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Michael
No, I'm a regional manager---
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15519
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Barbara
And so you should lose your job!
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15520
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Michael
No--- my--- OK, this is insane. You can get out of here. Get out!
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15521
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Barbara
Fine.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15522
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Michael
That's insane. We'll give this to somebody who will appreciate it.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15523
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Barbara
Mm-hmm.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15524
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Dwight
It's non-transferable...
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15525
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Michael
Doesn't matter. Out please!
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15526
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Barbara
I'm calling the Better Business Bureau.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15527
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Michael
Yeah, well I'm calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline! Did you get all that?
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15528
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Chad Lite
Everything.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15529
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Michael
We gotta do something. This is spinning out of control, Pam. This is just, not...
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15530
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Pam
It's just the Scranton Times...
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15531
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Michael
No, then Newsweek picks it up. And then CNN does a story about it. Then... YouTube gets a hold of it...
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15532
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Pam
You know what? I really think the whole thing is just gonna blow over in like a week or two.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15533
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Michael
You're right. It will blow over. But it's not... going to take... a week or two. Do you know what this is for?
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15534
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Pam
Yes.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15535
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Pam
Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. He says he needs a woman's touch.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15536
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Michael
OK, I think that's good.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15537
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Michael
Hello. I am Michael Scott, Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. By now you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner. Let me tell you something. Something from the heart. I am not leaving this office. It will take a SWAT team, to remove me from this office, and maybe not even that.'
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15538
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Dwight
Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15539
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Michael
That's how devoted I am to this job.
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15540
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Dwight
I'm just saying...
Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15541