Jim

It's kind of blurry. That's better. Question. What kind of bear is best?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15342

Dwight

That's a ridiculous question.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15343

Jim

False. Black bear.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15344

Dwight

Well that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought---

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15345

Jim

Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15346

Dwight

Bears do not--- What is going on--- What are you doing?!

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15347

Jim

Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Uh, four dollars. And it only cost me seven dollars to recreate the rest of the ensemble. And that's a grand total of... eleven dollars.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15348

Dwight

You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so I thank you. Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15349

Jim

... MICHAEL!

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15350

Dwight

Oh, that's funny. MICHAEL!

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15351

Pam

Yes, I understand. Can I transfer you to customer relations?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15352

Jim

Absolutely. I couldn't be more sorry about this.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15353

Phyllis

I know, I know. We're all trying to get to the bottom of this.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15354

Stanley

I am upset. Don't I sound upset?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15355

Michael

It is disgusting. I totally agree. Well, we're going to recalling all of that paper.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15356

Michael

We have a crisis. Apparently, a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24 pound cream butter stock. Five hundred boxes has gone out, with the image of a beloved cartoon duck, performing... unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I've never been a fan.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15357

Michael

Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C, doubletime.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15358

Dwight

Cri-Man-Squa?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15359

Michael

Crisis Management Squad.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15360

Ryan

F and C, doubletime?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15361

Michael

Front and Center. Twice as fast as you would normally go. Any other questions?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15362

Jim

One more. Why are you talking like that?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15363

Michael

To save time, Jim.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15364

Karen

Actually I think you could make the argument that it wastes time.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15365

Pam

Yeah, she has a good point. I mean, for example, with the last thing you said, by the time you explained it, it actually took up more time.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15366

Michael

You know what? Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh! Forget it. Where is Creed?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15367

Creed

Here.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15368

Michael

Creed. Quality assurance. Your job. I really think you screwed the pooch on one, Creed. Because of you, the entire company is in jeopardy.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15369

Creed

Every week I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15370

Michael

We have a lot of angry customers out there. This puts us at threat level midnight. Accounting, you are on customer service duty today.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15371

Oscar

That's really not our job.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15372

Michael

Midnight, Oscar!

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15373

Angela

Kelly's training us?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15374

Kelly

This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15375

Angela

I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15376

Michael

Jim, big fire in your house. Your client, Dunmore High-school, sent out their prom invitations on this paper. Went home to all the kids.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15377

Jim

Yeah, I gotta call out on that.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15378

Michael

No, no, no, no. Not good enough. This is a keystone account. I want you in the school. In person.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15379

Jim

All right.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15380

Michael

I want you to bring a partner.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15381

Ryan

I'll go.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15382

Michael

No, sweet cheeks. We need someone who's actually made a sale. Andy, you go.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15383

Andy

William Dolittle at your service. A.K.A., Will Do.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15384

Jim

Yeah, I'm definitely gonna go alone.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15385

Michael

No, no. I need two men on this. That's what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME! Guys, get on this. Dwight, I want you to be in charge of the press conference.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15386

Dwight

Yes! You are entering the 'No Spin Zone!'

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15387

Pam

We're having a press conference?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15388

Michael

No, Pam. The press is just gonna find out by themselves.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15389

Dwight

Not!

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15390

Michael

Here's the thing. When a company screws up, best thing to do is call a press conference. Alert the media, and then you control the story. Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you. That's what happened to O.J.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15391

Michael

I have invited Barbara Allen, one of our oldest clients, to come in here, and meet with me, for a personal apology. The press wants a story, I will give them a story.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15392

Jim

Oh, did the press ask for a story?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15393

Michael

Here

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15394

Creed

Yes, hello. Creed Bratton, Quality Assurance, Dunder Mifflin Scranton. I was supposed to meet with one of your floor managers last week for a quality inspection, and he or she wasn't there. And I'm trying to remember who it was. Mm-hmm. Who wasn't there last week? Debbie Brown. And which day was that? Wednesday, the eleventh. Perfect.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15395

Creed

The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did... when I was a homeless man.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15396

Kelly

Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is because you're not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers! So give yourselves a round of applause.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15397

Oscar

I wonder how many phone calls you're missing while you're teaching us to answer calls.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15398

Kelly

I know, right? Probably a lot.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15399

Angela

Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15400

Kelly

OK, Angela. I love your enthusiasm. All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say 'Customer Service, this is Kelly!' Except don't say 'Kelly,' say your own name. Or if you're bored, you can just make up a name. Like one time, I said I was Bridget Jones, and I talked like this for the whole conversation!

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15401

Kevin

Oh! Can I be Australian, mate?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15402

Kelly

Absolutely!

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15403

Kevin

'ello, mate!

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15404

Kelly

I like ice cream! I need a boyfriend.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15405

Kevin

I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15406

Andy

Beer me!

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15407

Jim

What's that?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15408

Andy

Hand me that water. I always say 'Beer me.' Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time. So how's what's-her-name?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15409

Jim

You know her name.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15410

Andy

Who, Karen? Yeah, she's only one of my oldest friends. Mmm. How's the apartment hangin'?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15411

Jim

It's fine.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15412

Andy

Nice. Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15413

Jim

What about music? Do you have any music?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15414

Andy

Uh, yeah. Should have said so. Rha-dah-dah-dah! Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul. I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away-he-hay. Ruu-da-doo-da-doo, ba-dit-da-doo-da-dun, Give me the beat, boys, and free my little-ole-soul, I wa--

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15415

Jim

I was thinkin' about more like a CD, or... a CD.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15416

Andy

Your call, dude. My girlfriend made an awesome mix. Beer me that disc.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15417

Jim

Lord, beer me strength.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15418

Andy

So, Tuna. When we get in there, let's do a really good job, okay?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15419

Jim

Did that

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15420

Andy

Well not everything a guy says needs to be said. Sometimes it's just about the music of the conversation.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15421

Andy

Whoa! What the--- Why is my girlfriend here?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15422

Jim

Oh, is she that teacher in the white?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15423

Andy

No, she's a part-time frozen yogurt chef.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15424

Jim

Which one... is she?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15425

Andy

The one in the green hoodie.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15426

Jim

Wow.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15427

Andy

I wonder if she's, like, a... a guidance counselor, or something?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15428

Jim

No, I don't think so.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15429

Andy

She's like, probably a tutor.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15430

Jim

Nope.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15431

Andy

She probably a t--

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15432

Jim

No.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15433

Andy

Sh---

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15434

Jim

No.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15435

Michael

OK, press conference in 45. Dwight, make sure this place looks nice.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15436

Dwight

On it. OK, Karen, Ryan, Pam, center stage. Pam, run a comb through your hair.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15437

Dwight

First rule in road-side beet sales: Put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, 'Wow, I need this beet right now.' Those are the money beets.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15438

Dwight

Hey! Look sharp! Hey! Uh, Hi. Hello, Dwight Schrute.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15439

Chad Lite

Hi, uh---

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15440

Dwight

And you must be uh, from the Washington Post.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15441

"Product Recall" Quotes