Every quote from The Office season 1, episode 4, in script order. First aired April 12, 2005.
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Jim
Good. I like it. You know what. Pretend to smoke.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1192
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Michael
Do a poem for Meredith's birthday or uh, limerick. Limerick. Um, there was a girl from Dunder Mifflin. Come on in. Who had a big, smifflin.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1193
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Toby
Hi, do you mind if I sign the card real quick?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1194
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Michael
No, not at all come on in. No, no. You can't. No, red hair is my area. We have it on tape, so...
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1195
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Toby
It's just a birthday card.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1196
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Michael
I was going to put that in my message, Toby. All right? So just cross it off. Cross it off, now. What are you doing? Oh come on, you're ruining it. Toby, come on. Just, look at that. That's wrecked. Ass. Get some white out.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1197
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Toby
There's some right there.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1198
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Michael
That's my white out. Get your own white out. Just... what's the matter with you? God. Okay, um, there was a girl from Dunder Mifflin. Who had a big, puttifflin. Mifflin, spifflin.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1199
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Jim
Uh, by the way. Have you heard Dwight say the word immunity, yet? Because if I can get Dwight to say the word immunity, it might be the greatest day of my life.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1200
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Dwight
Hey.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1201
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Michael
Hey.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1202
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Dwight
You wanted to see me?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1203
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Michael
Uh, yeah. What do you know about Meredith?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1204
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Dwight
I don't think she'd be missed.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1205
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Michael
There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1206
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Dwight
Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1207
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Michael
I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1208
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Dwight
She had a hysterectomy.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1209
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Michael
Which one is that again?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1210
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Dwight
That's where they remove the uterus.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1211
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Michael
Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny here, okay. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1212
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Dwight
It could be kind of funny.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1213
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Michael
Come up with a joke that I can use, okay?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1214
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Dwight
Mmm-hmm.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1215
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Michael
Help me out here.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1216
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Dwight
Okay. Hey Meredith, where's your uterus?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1217
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Michael
No, not a uterus joke Dwight. Please. Something useable. A joke.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1218
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Dwight
If I find a joke for you, will you grant me immunity?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1219
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Michael
What?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1220
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Dwight
From the downsizing.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1221
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Michael
There's not going to be downsizing, Dwight. You know what, I am on a deadline here and just, okay. Thanks. Thanks for your help. I'm... I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight. Thanks for coming in, that's always... Always helpful when I give him a call. Call him in.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1222
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Michael
Meredith. Oh, oh man, ah gosh. I can't remember why I came over here. Ha, ha.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1223
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Meredith
I hate that.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1224
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Michael
I know. Ugh, that is so annoying. Brain fart. By the way, do you remember any funny interactions we may have had recently that I've forgotten about? Just, you know we bumped into each and you said, 'Brr, brr.' And I went, 'Argh, Argh.' You know? Anything? Well, if you think of something, let me know. 'Cause I like to know. 'Cause I'm going crazy.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1225
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Michael
Oscar, uh for future reference just think you should know, that you should probably make it clear that your nephew is doing the walkathon and that he doesn't actually have cerebral palsy. Okay.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1226
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Oscar
I never suggested...
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1227
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Michael
No, no. I know you didn't intend to, but I just I got the idea and I, uh, I just don't it has a lot of ethical merit to make people think something. You know? And then prey on their emotions.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1228
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Oscar
Michael, if I gave you...
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1229
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Michael
No, hey it's just kinda uncool, okay? I, just... Play fair, you know, play fair.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1230
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Oscar
Thank you.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1231
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Michael
Thank you.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1232
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Oscar
Okay.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1233
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Meredith
Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age.'
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1234
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Michael
Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1235
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Meredith
No, I...I get it. It's funny.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1236
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Michael
You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually... I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um... Oh, where's that? Oh, Okay, here's a good one. Um...'Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back.' 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1237
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Meredith
You're right. You're right. Yes.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1238
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Michael
Divorce. Um... Okay, 'Meredith is so old...'
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1239
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Oscar
How old is she?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1240
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Michael
If everybody... could do it? 'Meredith is so old...'
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1241
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Everybody
How old is she?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1242
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Michael
She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her.'
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1243
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Michael
What's the difference between Meredith and Michael Jackson? Michael Jackson's surgery was unnecessary.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1244
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Meredith
You're talking about my hysterectomy.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1245
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Michael
Yes! Thank you. God. She gets it. We just picked the best one right? Just had it.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1246
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Pam
I'm so sorry. ... seriously, we're just...
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1247
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Michael
Um, no, no. Come on. No. Don't comfort... don't comfort her, that's not... She doesn't need comforting. We're just joking around. I think she's... No that's very unprofessional. I think she's being very unprofessional over there.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1248
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Dwight
I'm only going to ask you this once. Are you part of an alliance?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1249
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Ryan
What?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1250
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Dwight
Well played.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1251