Every quote from The Office season 1, episode 4, in script order. First aired April 12, 2005.
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Michael
Divorce. Um... OK, 'Meredith is so old...'
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1092
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Oscar
How old is she?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1093
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Michael
Everybody? If... could do it? 'Meredith is so old...'
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1094
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Everybody
How old is she?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1095
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Michael
She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her.'
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1096
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Michael
That wasn't even mine. I got that off the Internet. Website. Um, don't get mad at me.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1097
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Oscar
Uh, nice party Michael.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1098
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Michael
This isn't my fault. Ladies, not your best effort. The streamers? I think we could have done better than that.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1099
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Angela
Phyllis wanted red, I didn't.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1100
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Phyllis
Oh, boy... You...
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1101
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Michael
OK, we... all right. People, hold on, hold on. Just a second. OK, I think we're losing sight of what is really important here. And that is that we are... a group of people... who work together. I was... I really wasn't gonna flaunt this. I have made a very sizable donation to Oscar's nephew's... walkathon. $25.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1102
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Oscar
Per mile.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1103
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Michael
Per mile, yes.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1104
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Michael
When I retire, I... don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I wanna be the guy who gives everything back.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1105
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Michael
A check for the kids, and for the team.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1106
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Michael
I want it to be like... 'Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?' 'Um, well, I don't, I don't know. It was anonymous.' 'Well, guess what, that was Michael Scott.' 'But it was anonymous, how do you know?' 'Because I'm him.'
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1107
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Oscar
Thank you, Michael.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1108
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Michael
Come here. Don't cash that till Friday, OK?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1109
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Toby
Really? Today?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1110
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Ryan
Yeah.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1111
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Toby
Oh, Happy Birthday.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1112
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Ryan
Thanks.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1113
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Toby
Yeah, I could say something.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1114
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Ryan
No, don't. Don't do that.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1115
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Jim
OK, OK. I have something that totally tops the box.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1116
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Pam
Oh, tell me, tell me.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1117
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Jim
OK. I have just convinced Dwight that he needs to go to Stamford and...... spy on our other branch. No no no.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1118
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Jim
But before he does so, I told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1119
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Pam
That's perfect!
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1120
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Jim
If we can get him to drive to Connecticut... and put peroxide in his hair...
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1121
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Roy
What the hell is this? What are you trying to cop a feel or something? Huh Halpert?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1122
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Jim
No, no, dude, no.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1123
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Pam
Hey, Hey!
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1124
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Jim
No, dude, no, I was just, listen! Whoa.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1125
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Pam
Come on.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1126
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Jim
God, I don't even, I don't even know how to explain this. Uh, um... Dwight, uh, asked me to be in an alliance. And then um... um... we were... we've just been messing with him. Uh, because of the whole alliance thing. Um...
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1127
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Pam
It's just office pranks.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1128
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Jim
It's stupid. It's, it's just office pranks.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1129
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Roy
An alliance? What the hell is he talking about?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1130
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Dwight
I have absolutely no idea.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1131
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Roy
Come on.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1132
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Dwight
Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not at all. That's the game. Convince him we're in an alliance, get some information, throw him to the wolves.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1133
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Dwight
That's politics baby. Get what you can out of someone, then crush them. I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1134
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Dwight
Good, excellent, and file sharing off and done. Security software, 128-bit encryption, firewalls. Get up, I'll install it on your computer.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1135
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Jim
No thanks.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1136
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Dwight
Pssh, stupid. Identity theft happens all the time. I can become you like that. But no one can become me.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1137
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Jim
No one wants to be you, Dwight.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1138
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Dwight
Not true. And if they did, they couldn't because I'm password protected.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1139
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Jim
Is your password Frodo?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1140
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Dwight
No.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1141
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Jim
Did you just change it to Gollum?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1142
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Dwight
No.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1143
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Pam
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold please.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1144
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Michael
All righty then, well I see you're going for the whole bored supermodel thing. 'Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. May I help you?' Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1145
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Pam
I wasn't really going for anything.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1146
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Michael
No, no. I get it, I get it, I get it. A child is born, 'Oh, oh-hum.' A beautiful sunset, 'No, I'll catch the next one.' Right? Unicorn walks into the office, 'Oh, do you have an appointment?' Okay, look Pam this is not meant as a criticism, but let me tell you what you're doing wrong. You are the voice of this company, right? And when clients call and you're not smiling they can hear that in your voice. It is a real turnoff.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1147
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Pam
Are you being serious?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1148
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Michael
Yes, I am, absolutely. So, the next call we get I'd like you to smile. I'd like to see a big smile.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1149
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Pam
Okay.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1150
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Michael
Okay.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1151
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Pam
No one's calling.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1152
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Michael
I know, somebody will. And we'll wait.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1153
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Pam
Sometimes there's a lot of time between the calls.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1154
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Michael
I know, I know, we will wait.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1155
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Pam
Okay.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1156
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Michael
We will wait for the call and you will smile. Let me try something, just while we're waiting.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1157
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Pam
Okay.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1158
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Michael
Tell me if I'm smiling or not. Hi Pam, how are you? Was I smiling?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1159
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Pam
Yes.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1160
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Michael
Okay, let me try this one. Hi Pam, how are you?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1161
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Pam
No.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1162
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Michael
I mean you can tell.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1163
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Pam
Yeah, I could tell.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1164
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Michael
I wasn't smiling that time and they can tell too.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1165
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Pam
That was a good example.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1166
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Michael
Thank you. All right, when we get a call I'll come back and you'll do the smile.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1167
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Pam
Okay.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1168
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Michael
Show time! It's show time!
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1169
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Pam
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. One moment I'll transfer you.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1170
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Michael
Okay.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1171
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Dwight
God. Mmm.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1172
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Jim
Hey Dwight, my tuna sandwich isn't in the refrigerator. You wouldn't know anything about that would you?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1173
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Dwight
It was rotting.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1174
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Jim
It was not rotting.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1175
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Dwight
Any employee may dispose a food item...
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1176
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Jim
Stop. Dwight, stop.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1177
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Dwight
...that risks contaminating the other food item. Read the official kitchen regulations memo.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1178
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Jim
Dwight, you wrote that memo. Okay, it's not an official memo.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1179
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Dwight
Uh, uh, not my problem. Okay, this is a paper factory not a bacteria factory.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1180
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Jim
Dwight, it's not a factory at all. Do you have to do what you are doing?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1181
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Dwight
Uh, if they don't bobble, what's the point?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1182
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Angela
What is this?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1183
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Oscar
My nephew does it every year. Anything you could give would be fantastic.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1184
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Angela
Okay, but I don't want to be put on a mailing list.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1185
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Jim
We need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1186
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Dwight
God... Damn it! Why us?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1187
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Jim
Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong. God, it's freezing, I gotta go in. You stay though for like five minutes.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1188
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Dwight
Okay.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1189
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Jim
You don't want to arouse suspicion.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1190
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Dwight
I'll stay for ten.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1191