Every line from The Office season 1, episode 4, in script order. First aired April 12, 2005.
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Michael
Divorce. Um... OK, 'Meredith is so old...'
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1092
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Oscar
How old is she?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1093
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Michael
Everybody? If... could do it? 'Meredith is so old...'
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1094
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Everybody
How old is she?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1095
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Michael
She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her.'
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1096
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Michael
That wasn't even mine. I got that off the Internet. Website. Um, don't get mad at me.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1097
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Oscar
Uh, nice party Michael.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1098
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Michael
This isn't my fault. Ladies, not your best effort. The streamers? I think we could have done better than that.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1099
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Angela
Phyllis wanted red, I didn't.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1100
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Phyllis
Oh, boy... You...
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1101
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Michael
OK, we... all right. People, hold on, hold on. Just a second. OK, I think we're losing sight of what is really important here. And that is that we are... a group of people... who work together. I was... I really wasn't gonna flaunt this. I have made a very sizable donation to Oscar's nephew's... walkathon. $25.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1102
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Oscar
Per mile.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1103
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Michael
Per mile, yes.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1104
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Michael
When I retire, I... don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I wanna be the guy who gives everything back.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1105
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Michael
A check for the kids, and for the team.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1106
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Michael
I want it to be like... 'Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?' 'Um, well, I don't, I don't know. It was anonymous.' 'Well, guess what, that was Michael Scott.' 'But it was anonymous, how do you know?' 'Because I'm him.'
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1107
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Oscar
Thank you, Michael.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1108
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Michael
Come here. Don't cash that till Friday, OK?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1109
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Toby
Really? Today?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1110
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Ryan
Yeah.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1111
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Toby
Oh, Happy Birthday.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1112
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Ryan
Thanks.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1113
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Toby
Yeah, I could say something.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1114
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Ryan
No, don't. Don't do that.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1115
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Jim
OK, OK. I have something that totally tops the box.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1116
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Pam
Oh, tell me, tell me.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1117
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Jim
OK. I have just convinced Dwight that he needs to go to Stamford and...... spy on our other branch. No no no.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1118
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Jim
But before he does so, I told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1119
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Pam
That's perfect!
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1120
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Jim
If we can get him to drive to Connecticut... and put peroxide in his hair...
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1121
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Roy
What the hell is this? What are you trying to cop a feel or something? Huh Halpert?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1122
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Jim
No, no, dude, no.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1123
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Pam
Hey, Hey!
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1124
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Jim
No, dude, no, I was just, listen! Whoa.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1125
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Pam
Come on.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1126
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Jim
God, I don't even, I don't even know how to explain this. Uh, um... Dwight, uh, asked me to be in an alliance. And then um... um... we were... we've just been messing with him. Uh, because of the whole alliance thing. Um...
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1127
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Pam
It's just office pranks.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1128
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Jim
It's stupid. It's, it's just office pranks.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1129
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Roy
An alliance? What the hell is he talking about?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1130
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Dwight
I have absolutely no idea.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1131
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Roy
Come on.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1132
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Dwight
Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not at all. That's the game. Convince him we're in an alliance, get some information, throw him to the wolves.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1133
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Dwight
That's politics baby. Get what you can out of someone, then crush them. I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1134
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Dwight
Good, excellent, and file sharing off and done. Security software, 128-bit encryption, firewalls. Get up, I'll install it on your computer.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1135
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Jim
No thanks.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1136
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Dwight
Pssh, stupid. Identity theft happens all the time. I can become you like that. But no one can become me.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1137
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Jim
No one wants to be you, Dwight.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1138
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Dwight
Not true. And if they did, they couldn't because I'm password protected.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1139
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Jim
Is your password Frodo?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1140
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Dwight
No.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1141
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Jim
Did you just change it to Gollum?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1142
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Dwight
No.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1143
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Pam
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold please.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1144
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Michael
All righty then, well I see you're going for the whole bored supermodel thing. 'Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. May I help you?' Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1145
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Pam
I wasn't really going for anything.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1146
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Michael
No, no. I get it, I get it, I get it. A child is born, 'Oh, oh-hum.' A beautiful sunset, 'No, I'll catch the next one.' Right? Unicorn walks into the office, 'Oh, do you have an appointment?' Okay, look Pam this is not meant as a criticism, but let me tell you what you're doing wrong. You are the voice of this company, right? And when clients call and you're not smiling they can hear that in your voice. It is a real turnoff.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1147
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Pam
Are you being serious?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1148
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Michael
Yes, I am, absolutely. So, the next call we get I'd like you to smile. I'd like to see a big smile.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1149
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Pam
Okay.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1150
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Michael
Okay.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1151
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Pam
No one's calling.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1152
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Michael
I know, somebody will. And we'll wait.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1153
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Pam
Sometimes there's a lot of time between the calls.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1154
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Michael
I know, I know, we will wait.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1155
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Pam
Okay.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1156
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Michael
We will wait for the call and you will smile. Let me try something, just while we're waiting.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1157
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Pam
Okay.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1158
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Michael
Tell me if I'm smiling or not. Hi Pam, how are you? Was I smiling?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1159
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Pam
Yes.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1160
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Michael
Okay, let me try this one. Hi Pam, how are you?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1161
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Pam
No.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1162
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Michael
I mean you can tell.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1163
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Pam
Yeah, I could tell.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1164
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Michael
I wasn't smiling that time and they can tell too.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1165
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Pam
That was a good example.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1166
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Michael
Thank you. All right, when we get a call I'll come back and you'll do the smile.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1167
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Pam
Okay.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1168
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Michael
Show time! It's show time!
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1169
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Pam
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. One moment I'll transfer you.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1170
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Michael
Okay.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1171
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Dwight
God. Mmm.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1172
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Jim
Hey Dwight, my tuna sandwich isn't in the refrigerator. You wouldn't know anything about that would you?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1173
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Dwight
It was rotting.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1174
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Jim
It was not rotting.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1175
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Dwight
Any employee may dispose a food item...
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1176
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Jim
Stop. Dwight, stop.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1177
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Dwight
...that risks contaminating the other food item. Read the official kitchen regulations memo.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1178
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Jim
Dwight, you wrote that memo. Okay, it's not an official memo.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1179
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Dwight
Uh, uh, not my problem. Okay, this is a paper factory not a bacteria factory.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1180
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Jim
Dwight, it's not a factory at all. Do you have to do what you are doing?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1181
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Dwight
Uh, if they don't bobble, what's the point?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1182
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Angela
What is this?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1183
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Oscar
My nephew does it every year. Anything you could give would be fantastic.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1184
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Angela
Okay, but I don't want to be put on a mailing list.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1185
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Jim
We need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1186
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Dwight
God... Damn it! Why us?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1187
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Jim
Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong. God, it's freezing, I gotta go in. You stay though for like five minutes.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1188
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Dwight
Okay.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1189
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Jim
You don't want to arouse suspicion.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1190
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Dwight
I'll stay for ten.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1191