Michael

What?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 992

Oscar

Donate to the charity?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 993

Michael

Oh, God. Of course I would. Get it over here. Get that over here.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 994

Oscar

Thank you.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 995

Michael

No, I'm always good... for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars, three dollars? People out here do not care about diseases. I am going to give you... $25.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 996

Oscar

That's... that's... that's very generous.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 997

Michael

Oh, my gosh, well... Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into... morale. That's what I say, so...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 998

Pam

Hey, Jim, can I talk to you for a second?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 999

Jim

Sure, what's up?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1000

Pam

Um, I don't know, I'm just like, I'm going a little crazy 'cause I keep overhearing all these conversations between Michael and corporate about like, staff issues?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1001

Jim

Oh no?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1002

Pam

Yeah, he's making me take notes on these meetings and I'm, like, 'These people are my friends.' But he's all like, 'This is confidential. You can't tell anybody.' But I just feel like I want to... aaah. Just promise me you're not gonna say anything.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1003

Jim

No, will not, I'm not going to tell anybody. This is between you and me.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1004

Pam

OK, yeah.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1005

Dwight

Jackpot.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1006

Jim

That was beautiful. All her idea too. Awesome. She is so great.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1007

Michael

Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1008

Dwight

Hey, you wanted to see me?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1009

Michael

Yeah. What do you know about Meredith?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1010

Dwight

I don't think she'd be missed.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1011

Michael

There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1012

Dwight

Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1013

Michael

I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1014

Dwight

She had a hysterectomy.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1015

Michael

Which one is that again?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1016

Dwight

That's where they remove the uterus.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1017

Michael

Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1018

Dwight

It could be kind of funny.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1019

Michael

You know what, I am on a deadline here, and just... OK. Thanks, thanks for your help. I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight. That was a waste of time.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1020

Jim

OK, here's the deal. All right? Pam says that one of the alliances is meeting in the warehouse during Meredith's birthday.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1021

Dwight

Oh my God, we have to be there.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1022

Jim

I know, but it's gonna be a little tough because there's no good place to hide there.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1023

Dwight

No no, yes there is. Behind the shelves. Oh my God.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1024

Jim

What? What?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1025

Dwight

I know. I know exactly what to do.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1026

Jim

Great.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1027

Dwight

I'm a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are... at vision.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1028

Dwight

This is going to be perfect, OK? Centrally located. Perfect cover. I can hear and see everything.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1029

Jim

Good.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1030

Ryan

Michael? Are you done yet?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1031

Michael

Almost there. Just a sec. Just a second. It is perfect, thank you. Excellent, here we go. It is time, thank you. OK, come on. Let's go! Get the cake. Here we go. Come on! Shhh. Be quiet.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1032

Jim

Wait, this isn't gonna work. The lid's open.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1033

Dwight

So tape it down.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1034

Jim

I can't do that. You won't be able to breathe.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1035

Dwight

Look, I can breathe just fine. OK, but if it makes you feel better, I'll poke holes in the box.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1036

Jim

Thank you, thank you. OK.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1037

Everybody

Surprise!

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1038

Meredith

Oh! Surprise.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1039

Angela

No, it's ah...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1040

Michael

It's surprise Meredith. One, two...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1041

Everybody

Happy birthday to you.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1042

Michael

Find a key.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1043

Everybody

Happy birthday...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1044

Jim

So do you want me to stay here and, you know, stand next to the box?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1045

Dwight

No, you need to go upstairs to the party so people don't notice we're both gone.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1046

Jim

Right... That's good.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1047

Dwight

Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1048

Everybody

... birthday, dear Meredith Happy birthday to you...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1049

Michael

And many more!

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1050

Stanley

Last year, five years ago...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1051

Michael

You were surprised, weren't you?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1052

Meredith

Yes.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1053

Michael

You looked freaked, man. We said 'Surprise.' You were, like, 'What?' 'What the hell's goin' on here?' Good cake. Why don't you have some?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1054

Meredith

Uh, I can't. Um...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1055

Michael

Come on. A little bit.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1056

Meredith

I can't eat dairy.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1057

Michael

Oh, right. God, too bad. It's so good.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1058

Meredith

Yeah, it makes me sick.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1059

Michael

You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself. 'Cause this is way, way too good.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1060

Pam

He's in a box?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1061

Jim

Pam, he's in a box. He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves. I'm serious. Go down there and work your magic.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1062

Pam

Hey where are you? Yeah, we were supposed to meet here. What? Oh my gosh! That ties in perfectly with something that Michael was telling me earlier! I just don't know what some of the people in, like, accounting are going to do? It said specifically that...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1063

Dwight

Oh.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1064

Michael

Jim, good party, huh? Just a little something I whipped up. You know, a little morale boost. No big deal.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1065

Jim

Speaking of which, I meant to tell you. Very impressive, the uh, donation you gave to Oscar's charity. What was it? 25 bucks?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1066

Michael

Well, you know, money isn't everything Jim. It's not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that. Maybe you'll give more than three dollars next time.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1067

Jim

Yeah, well, three dollars a mile. It's gonna end up being like 50 bucks. So... God, I can't even calculate what you're gonna have to give.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1068

Michael

Is Oscar around?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1069

Michael

I just thought it was kind of a flat, you know... 25 dollar, one-time donation. I didn't think it was per mile kinda deal. You know, so...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1070

Oscar

Well, that's what a walk-a-thon is.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1071

Michael

I know...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1072

Oscar

It says it right on the sheet. Look, look at the sheet. It says, 'However many dollars per mile.'

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1073

Michael

Right. Got it. Yes. So it does. Um...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1074

Oscar

I just think it's kind of cheap to un-donate money to a charity.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1075

Michael

No, no, no, no, no. That wasn't what I wasn't, that wasn't... No. It-it-it's not about the money. It's just... it... it's the ethics of the thing, Oscar. How's your nephew? Is he in good shape?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1076

Oscar

Yeah.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1077

Michael

How many miles did he do last year?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1078

Oscar

Last year, he walked 18 miles.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1079

Michael

Son of a bitch. That is impressive.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1080

Pam

Happy Birthday.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1081

Michael

Read it out loud. And say who wrote everything so we know whose is the best.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1082

Meredith

Happy Bird-day' Um... 'Meredith, good news. You're not actually a year older because you work here, where time stands still.'

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1083

Michael

I don't know about that.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1084

Meredith

That was Stanley. 'Meredith, happy birthday, you're the best. Love, Pam.'

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1085

Michael

Huh! Thanks, downer.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1086

Meredith

This is from Michael. 'Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age.'

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1087

Michael

Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1088

Meredith

No, I... I get it. It's funny.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1089

Michael

You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually... I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um... Oh, where's that? Oh, OK, here's a good one. Um... 'Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back.' 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1090

Meredith

You're right. You're right. Yes.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1091

"The Alliance" Quotes (page 2)