Michael

What?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 992

Oscar

Donate to the charity?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 993

Michael

Oh, God. Of course I would. Get it over here. Get that over here.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 994

Oscar

Thank you.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 995

Michael

No, I'm always good... for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars, three dollars? People out here do not care about diseases. I am going to give you... $25.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 996

Oscar

That's... that's... that's very generous.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 997

Michael

Oh, my gosh, well... Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into... morale. That's what I say, so...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 998

Pam

Hey, Jim, can I talk to you for a second?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 999

Jim

Sure, what's up?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1000

Pam

Um, I don't know, I'm just like, I'm going a little crazy 'cause I keep overhearing all these conversations between Michael and corporate about like, staff issues?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1001

Jim

Oh no?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1002

Pam

Yeah, he's making me take notes on these meetings and I'm, like, 'These people are my friends.' But he's all like, 'This is confidential. You can't tell anybody.' But I just feel like I want to... aaah. Just promise me you're not gonna say anything.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1003

Jim

No, will not, I'm not going to tell anybody. This is between you and me.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1004

Pam

OK, yeah.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1005

Dwight

Jackpot.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1006

Jim

That was beautiful. All her idea too. Awesome. She is so great.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1007

Michael

Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1008

Dwight

Hey, you wanted to see me?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1009

Michael

Yeah. What do you know about Meredith?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1010

Dwight

I don't think she'd be missed.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1011

Michael

There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1012

Dwight

Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1013

Michael

I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1014

Dwight

She had a hysterectomy.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1015

Michael

Which one is that again?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1016

Dwight

That's where they remove the uterus.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1017

Michael

Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1018

Dwight

It could be kind of funny.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1019

Michael

You know what, I am on a deadline here, and just... OK. Thanks, thanks for your help. I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight. That was a waste of time.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1020

Jim

OK, here's the deal. All right? Pam says that one of the alliances is meeting in the warehouse during Meredith's birthday.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1021

Dwight

Oh my God, we have to be there.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1022

Jim

I know, but it's gonna be a little tough because there's no good place to hide there.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1023

Dwight

No no, yes there is. Behind the shelves. Oh my God.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1024

Jim

What? What?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1025

Dwight

I know. I know exactly what to do.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1026

Jim

Great.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1027

Dwight

I'm a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are... at vision.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1028

Dwight

This is going to be perfect, OK? Centrally located. Perfect cover. I can hear and see everything.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1029

Jim

Good.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1030

Ryan

Michael? Are you done yet?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1031

Michael

Almost there. Just a sec. Just a second. It is perfect, thank you. Excellent, here we go. It is time, thank you. OK, come on. Let's go! Get the cake. Here we go. Come on! Shhh. Be quiet.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1032

Jim

Wait, this isn't gonna work. The lid's open.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1033

Dwight

So tape it down.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1034

Jim

I can't do that. You won't be able to breathe.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1035

Dwight

Look, I can breathe just fine. OK, but if it makes you feel better, I'll poke holes in the box.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1036

Jim

Thank you, thank you. OK.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1037

Everybody

Surprise!

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1038

Meredith

Oh! Surprise.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1039

Angela

No, it's ah...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1040

Michael

It's surprise Meredith. One, two...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1041

Everybody

Happy birthday to you.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1042

Michael

Find a key.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1043

Everybody

Happy birthday...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1044

Jim

So do you want me to stay here and, you know, stand next to the box?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1045

Dwight

No, you need to go upstairs to the party so people don't notice we're both gone.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1046

Jim

Right... That's good.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1047

Dwight

Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1048

Everybody

... birthday, dear Meredith Happy birthday to you...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1049

Michael

And many more!

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1050

Stanley

Last year, five years ago...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1051

Michael

You were surprised, weren't you?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1052

Meredith

Yes.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1053

Michael

You looked freaked, man. We said 'Surprise.' You were, like, 'What?' 'What the hell's goin' on here?' Good cake. Why don't you have some?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1054

Meredith

Uh, I can't. Um...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1055

Michael

Come on. A little bit.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1056

Meredith

I can't eat dairy.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1057

Michael

Oh, right. God, too bad. It's so good.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1058

Meredith

Yeah, it makes me sick.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1059

Michael

You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself. 'Cause this is way, way too good.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1060

Pam

He's in a box?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1061

Jim

Pam, he's in a box. He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves. I'm serious. Go down there and work your magic.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1062

Pam

Hey where are you? Yeah, we were supposed to meet here. What? Oh my gosh! That ties in perfectly with something that Michael was telling me earlier! I just don't know what some of the people in, like, accounting are going to do? It said specifically that...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1063

Dwight

Oh.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1064

Michael

Jim, good party, huh? Just a little something I whipped up. You know, a little morale boost. No big deal.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1065

Jim

Speaking of which, I meant to tell you. Very impressive, the uh, donation you gave to Oscar's charity. What was it? 25 bucks?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1066

Michael

Well, you know, money isn't everything Jim. It's not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that. Maybe you'll give more than three dollars next time.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1067

Jim

Yeah, well, three dollars a mile. It's gonna end up being like 50 bucks. So... God, I can't even calculate what you're gonna have to give.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1068

Michael

Is Oscar around?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1069

Michael

I just thought it was kind of a flat, you know... 25 dollar, one-time donation. I didn't think it was per mile kinda deal. You know, so...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1070

Oscar

Well, that's what a walk-a-thon is.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1071

Michael

I know...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1072

Oscar

It says it right on the sheet. Look, look at the sheet. It says, 'However many dollars per mile.'

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1073

Michael

Right. Got it. Yes. So it does. Um...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1074

Oscar

I just think it's kind of cheap to un-donate money to a charity.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1075

Michael

No, no, no, no, no. That wasn't what I wasn't, that wasn't... No. It-it-it's not about the money. It's just... it... it's the ethics of the thing, Oscar. How's your nephew? Is he in good shape?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1076

Oscar

Yeah.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1077

Michael

How many miles did he do last year?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1078

Oscar

Last year, he walked 18 miles.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1079

Michael

Son of a bitch. That is impressive.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1080

Pam

Happy Birthday.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1081

Michael

Read it out loud. And say who wrote everything so we know whose is the best.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1082

Meredith

Happy Bird-day' Um... 'Meredith, good news. You're not actually a year older because you work here, where time stands still.'

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1083

Michael

I don't know about that.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1084

Meredith

That was Stanley. 'Meredith, happy birthday, you're the best. Love, Pam.'

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1085

Michael

Huh! Thanks, downer.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1086

Meredith

This is from Michael. 'Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age.'

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1087

Michael

Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1088

Meredith

No, I... I get it. It's funny.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1089

Michael

You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually... I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um... Oh, where's that? Oh, OK, here's a good one. Um... 'Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back.' 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1090

Meredith

You're right. You're right. Yes.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1091

"The Alliance" Quotes (page 2)