Every quote from The Office season 1, episode 4, in script order. First aired April 12, 2005.
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Dwight
Michael!?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 892
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Michael
Oh! God. Dwight, come on...
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 893
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Dwight
I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 894
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Michael
There's no downsizing.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 895
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Dwight
I, but if there were, I'd be protected as assistant regional manager?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 896
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Michael
Assistant to the regional manager Dwight.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 897
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Dwight
Yeah, so I don't have to worry?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 898
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Michael
Look, look, look. I talked to corporate, about protecting the sales staff. And they said they couldn't guarantee it if there's downsizing, okay?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 899
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Michael
But there's no downsizing, so just don't...
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 900
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Dwight
Bottom line. Do I need to be worried?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 901
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Michael
Mmm, mm, mm. Maybe.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 902
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Michael
It looks like there's gonna be downsizing. And it's part of my job, but... blah! I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words, 'You're fired.' 'You're foir-ed. Uh, you're foir-ed.' It just makes people sad, and an office can't function that way. No way. 'You're foir-ed.' I think if I had a catchphrase it would be, 'You're hired, and you can work here as long as you want.' But that's unrealistic, so...
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 903
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Dwight
It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 904
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Stanley
Why'd you do this?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 905
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Dwight
I didn't do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for... maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 906
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Michael
Get set for Operation Morale Improvement starring Michael Scott. Now, I think I have had a little stroke of genius in that I have had my assistant Pam... Smile, Pam. I have had her go out and find out whose birthday is coming up, so we can have a little celebration for it. Not bad, not bad at all. All right. And the birthday person is... drum roll please. Here we go, who is the birthday, birthday person?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 907
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Michael
Who is it? Who's the birthday?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 908
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Pam
Um... Actually, we don't have any staff birthdays coming up.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 909
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Michael
Next person on the...
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 910
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Pam
Oh.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 911
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Michael
...calendar.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 912
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Pam
Okay, umm... that would be Meredith.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 913
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Michael
Yes! All right, come on down Meredith!
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 914
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Pam
But it's not until next month.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 915
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Michael
Um... uh, OK. Well, great, well, you know, it'll be a surprise.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 916
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Pam
You still want to have a party?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 917
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Michael
Yeah, why not? Sure. Go ahead, live a little. Come on, Pam. Come on, shake it up. Shake it up! Shake it up!
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 918
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Michael
Brrrp! Uh, Spock, are there any signs of life down there? Well, let me check Captain. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. No, Captain. No signs of life down here. Just a wet blanket named Pam. Brr-rrrp. Star Trek.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 919
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Phyllis
Well, uh, for decorations, maybe we could... it's stupid, forget it.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 920
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Angela
What?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 921
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Phyllis
I was just going to say, maybe we could have streamers, but that's dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 922
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Angela
No, yeah, I think that's a good idea.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 923
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Phyllis
Yeah?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 924
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Angela
What color do you guys think?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 925
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Phyllis
Well, there's green, um, blue... yellow... red...
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 926
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Pam
How about green?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 927
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Angela
I think green is kind of whoreish.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 928
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Pam
This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin. But Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 929
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Michael
These are my party-planning beeyatches. Pulled off an amazing '80s party last year. Off the hook!
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 930
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Michael
So I was thinking, if you haven't already got a cake, um, maybe going for one of those ice-cream cakes from Baskin-Robbins. Those are very good. Very Delicious.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 931
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Angela
Meredith's allergic to dairy, so...
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 932
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Michael
She's not the only one that's going to be eating it, right? I think everybody likes ice-cream cake. It's not, uh, it's not just about her, so...
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 933
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Pam
It is... her birthday.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 934
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Michael
Mint chocolate chip! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 935
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Dwight
Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. 'Cause of the downsizing? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 936
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Dwight
Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 937
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Jim
Absolutely, I do.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 938
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Dwight
Good, good. Excellent, OK. Now we need to figure out who's vulnerable and who's protected...
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 939
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Jim
At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 940
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Dwight
Did you get your tickets?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 941
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Jim
To what?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 942
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Dwight
The gun show.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 943
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Jim
And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that could get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says 'No, Jim, here's a way.'
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 944
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Dwight
There's one other thing and this is important. Let's keep this alliance totally a secret. Don't tell anyone.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 945
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Pam
An alliance?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 946
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Jim
Oh yeah.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 947
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Pam
What does that even mean?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 948
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Jim
I think it has something to do with Survivor, but I'm not sure.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 949
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Jim
Um, I know that it involves spying on people and we may build a fort, underground.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 950
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Dwight
Jim! Hey. Hi, Pam. Listen, could I talk to you a second about the... paper products?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 951
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Dwight
Did you tell Pam about the alliance?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 952
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Jim
What? No.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 953
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Dwight
Just now.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 954
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Jim
What? Oh no no no. Dwight, no. I'm using her, for the alliance. Who knows the most information about this office? Pam.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 955
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Dwight
Right, that's good, good, pursue this.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 956
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Jim
Well I'm trying to. Do you see what I'm doing?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 957
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Dwight
Mmm hmm.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 958
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Jim
But listen, I'm going to have to talk to her a lot. All right? And there may be chatting, and giggling. And you gotta just pretend to ignore it. Wipe it away.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 959
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Dwight
Done.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 960
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Jim
All right.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 961
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Michael
Can you get her? She's right there. That is Meredith, the birthday girl. And this... is Meredith's card. Happy Bird-Day. Um, let's see. Jim, Jim wrote, 'Meredith, I heard you're turning 46, but, come on, you're an accountant. Just fudge the numbers.' Not bad, pretty funny, I don't appreciate condoning corporate fraud though. Uh, here's the thing. Whatever I write here has to be really, really funny. Because people out there are expecting it. I've already set the bar really high. And they're all worried about their jobs, you know. It's kinda dark out there. Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh, 'Oh, Meredith. Happy Birthday. You're great. Love, Michael.'
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 962
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Dwight
They seem awfully chummy, don't you think?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 963
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Jim
Yeah, what do you think that's about?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 964
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Dwight
Only one way to find out.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 965
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Jim
I'm on it.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 966
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Jim
You are not going to believe this.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 967
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Dwight
What? I believe it.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 968
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Jim
Well, tensions were high in the kitchen.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 969
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Dwight
I could tell, from the body language.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 970
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Jim
Hey Kev, that looks good. What is it? Turkey?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 971
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Kevin
Italian.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 972
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Jim
Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow! You got the works there. Red onion, provolone...
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 973
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Kevin
Yeah.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 974
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Jim
Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 975
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Dwight
Good, let 'em. It helps our cause.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 976
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Jim
Well, I don't know, if Kevin's in accounting, and Toby's in Human Resources and they're talking...
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 977
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Dwight
Oh, they're forming an alliance
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 978
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Toby
I love their sandwiches.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 979
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Jim
I love their sandwiches too.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 980
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Kevin
Their bread's really good.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 981
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Jim
Their bread is very good.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 982
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Dwight
Damn it. God!
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 983
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Jim
OK, listen, we need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 984
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Dwight
God... Damn it! Why us?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 985
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Jim
Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 986
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Michael
Meredith, Meredith... Meri... Mary had a little lamb. Mary... Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 987
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Michael
Hey, Oscar! Come on in. What's up?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 988
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Oscar
Uh, I'm sorry to bother you.
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 989
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Michael
Oh, not at all. Come on in. What's going on?
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 990
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Oscar
My nephew is involved with, um, a charity for cerebral palsy, and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to... you know... if...
Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 991