Dwight

Michael!?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 892

Michael

Oh! God. Dwight, come on...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 893

Dwight

I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 894

Michael

There's no downsizing.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 895

Dwight

I, but if there were, I'd be protected as assistant regional manager?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 896

Michael

Assistant to the regional manager Dwight.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 897

Dwight

Yeah, so I don't have to worry?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 898

Michael

Look, look, look. I talked to corporate, about protecting the sales staff. And they said they couldn't guarantee it if there's downsizing, okay?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 899

Michael

But there's no downsizing, so just don't...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 900

Dwight

Bottom line. Do I need to be worried?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 901

Michael

Mmm, mm, mm. Maybe.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 902

Michael

It looks like there's gonna be downsizing. And it's part of my job, but... blah! I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words, 'You're fired.' 'You're foir-ed. Uh, you're foir-ed.' It just makes people sad, and an office can't function that way. No way. 'You're foir-ed.' I think if I had a catchphrase it would be, 'You're hired, and you can work here as long as you want.' But that's unrealistic, so...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 903

Dwight

It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 904

Stanley

Why'd you do this?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 905

Dwight

I didn't do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for... maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 906

Michael

Get set for Operation Morale Improvement starring Michael Scott. Now, I think I have had a little stroke of genius in that I have had my assistant Pam... Smile, Pam. I have had her go out and find out whose birthday is coming up, so we can have a little celebration for it. Not bad, not bad at all. All right. And the birthday person is... drum roll please. Here we go, who is the birthday, birthday person?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 907

Michael

Who is it? Who's the birthday?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 908

Pam

Um... Actually, we don't have any staff birthdays coming up.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 909

Michael

Next person on the...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 910

Pam

Oh.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 911

Michael

...calendar.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 912

Pam

Okay, umm... that would be Meredith.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 913

Michael

Yes! All right, come on down Meredith!

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 914

Pam

But it's not until next month.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 915

Michael

Um... uh, OK. Well, great, well, you know, it'll be a surprise.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 916

Pam

You still want to have a party?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 917

Michael

Yeah, why not? Sure. Go ahead, live a little. Come on, Pam. Come on, shake it up. Shake it up! Shake it up!

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 918

Michael

Brrrp! Uh, Spock, are there any signs of life down there? Well, let me check Captain. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. No, Captain. No signs of life down here. Just a wet blanket named Pam. Brr-rrrp. Star Trek.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 919

Phyllis

Well, uh, for decorations, maybe we could... it's stupid, forget it.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 920

Angela

What?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 921

Phyllis

I was just going to say, maybe we could have streamers, but that's dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 922

Angela

No, yeah, I think that's a good idea.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 923

Phyllis

Yeah?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 924

Angela

What color do you guys think?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 925

Phyllis

Well, there's green, um, blue... yellow... red...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 926

Pam

How about green?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 927

Angela

I think green is kind of whoreish.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 928

Pam

This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin. But Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 929

Michael

These are my party-planning beeyatches. Pulled off an amazing '80s party last year. Off the hook!

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 930

Michael

So I was thinking, if you haven't already got a cake, um, maybe going for one of those ice-cream cakes from Baskin-Robbins. Those are very good. Very Delicious.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 931

Angela

Meredith's allergic to dairy, so...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 932

Michael

She's not the only one that's going to be eating it, right? I think everybody likes ice-cream cake. It's not, uh, it's not just about her, so...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 933

Pam

It is... her birthday.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 934

Michael

Mint chocolate chip! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 935

Dwight

Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. 'Cause of the downsizing? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 936

Dwight

Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 937

Jim

Absolutely, I do.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 938

Dwight

Good, good. Excellent, OK. Now we need to figure out who's vulnerable and who's protected...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 939

Jim

At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 940

Dwight

Did you get your tickets?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 941

Jim

To what?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 942

Dwight

The gun show.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 943

Jim

And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that could get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says 'No, Jim, here's a way.'

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 944

Dwight

There's one other thing and this is important. Let's keep this alliance totally a secret. Don't tell anyone.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 945

Pam

An alliance?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 946

Jim

Oh yeah.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 947

Pam

What does that even mean?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 948

Jim

I think it has something to do with Survivor, but I'm not sure.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 949

Jim

Um, I know that it involves spying on people and we may build a fort, underground.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 950

Dwight

Jim! Hey. Hi, Pam. Listen, could I talk to you a second about the... paper products?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 951

Dwight

Did you tell Pam about the alliance?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 952

Jim

What? No.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 953

Dwight

Just now.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 954

Jim

What? Oh no no no. Dwight, no. I'm using her, for the alliance. Who knows the most information about this office? Pam.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 955

Dwight

Right, that's good, good, pursue this.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 956

Jim

Well I'm trying to. Do you see what I'm doing?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 957

Dwight

Mmm hmm.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 958

Jim

But listen, I'm going to have to talk to her a lot. All right? And there may be chatting, and giggling. And you gotta just pretend to ignore it. Wipe it away.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 959

Dwight

Done.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 960

Jim

All right.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 961

Michael

Can you get her? She's right there. That is Meredith, the birthday girl. And this... is Meredith's card. Happy Bird-Day. Um, let's see. Jim, Jim wrote, 'Meredith, I heard you're turning 46, but, come on, you're an accountant. Just fudge the numbers.' Not bad, pretty funny, I don't appreciate condoning corporate fraud though. Uh, here's the thing. Whatever I write here has to be really, really funny. Because people out there are expecting it. I've already set the bar really high. And they're all worried about their jobs, you know. It's kinda dark out there. Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh, 'Oh, Meredith. Happy Birthday. You're great. Love, Michael.'

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 962

Dwight

They seem awfully chummy, don't you think?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 963

Jim

Yeah, what do you think that's about?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 964

Dwight

Only one way to find out.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 965

Jim

I'm on it.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 966

Jim

You are not going to believe this.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 967

Dwight

What? I believe it.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 968

Jim

Well, tensions were high in the kitchen.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 969

Dwight

I could tell, from the body language.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 970

Jim

Hey Kev, that looks good. What is it? Turkey?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 971

Kevin

Italian.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 972

Jim

Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow! You got the works there. Red onion, provolone...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 973

Kevin

Yeah.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 974

Jim

Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 975

Dwight

Good, let 'em. It helps our cause.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 976

Jim

Well, I don't know, if Kevin's in accounting, and Toby's in Human Resources and they're talking...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 977

Dwight

Oh, they're forming an alliance

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 978

Toby

I love their sandwiches.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 979

Jim

I love their sandwiches too.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 980

Kevin

Their bread's really good.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 981

Jim

Their bread is very good.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 982

Dwight

Damn it. God!

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 983

Jim

OK, listen, we need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 984

Dwight

God... Damn it! Why us?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 985

Jim

Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 986

Michael

Meredith, Meredith... Meri... Mary had a little lamb. Mary... Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 987

Michael

Hey, Oscar! Come on in. What's up?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 988

Oscar

Uh, I'm sorry to bother you.

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 989

Michael

Oh, not at all. Come on in. What's going on?

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 990

Oscar

My nephew is involved with, um, a charity for cerebral palsy, and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to... you know... if...

Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 991

"The Alliance" Quotes