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Nellie Bertram Quotes from The Office

Special projects manager who declared herself regional manager.

530 quotes · page 1 of 6

  1. First, I'll take down the cubicle walls.

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45463

  2. Symbol of transparency. There'd be no titles. Everyone would have the same job. Same goes for me. I'd take your job, but I'd reject the title.

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45465

  3. Everyone would be known for their accomplishments.

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45467

  4. Ooh? Yeah. Mm. Scratch everything from before. I tell you what I'd do. Go the other way. More cubicles. More division. Everyone is somebody's boss, and that person can fire the person below them. At least once a month, the lowest performing person... bye bye!

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45469

  5. Well, I'll tell you how. Shall I? I'll tell you how.

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45471

  6. By splitting the difference. Just... just, somewhere in the middle.

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45473

  7. Zen office. Hmm? Thought of that? That's what I'd do. Everyone takes their shoes off, before they come in. Okay. There'd be no desks. You just sit on the floor.

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45475

  8. You've got a Thai woman, out in the back. Sockee! Sockee!

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45477

  9. Sockee!... is her name. Okay? Shes administering massage, all right, if you need it. If you don't, whatever, just talk to her! She's a person! Either way, 50 minutes of that and you...you are cracking to go.

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45479

  10. This job? Oh, yeah, I'll get it. Jo's an old friend. I think... I'm her best friend. She's not my best friend.

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45698

  11. Psst. Say, 'So who's leading this thing, anyway?'

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50083

  12. Psst. Say, 'I can't wait to meet him.'

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50085

  13. Him, you say? Don't think a woman can be a leader?

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50087

  14. You poor, simple boy. Expected a man, did you? Strong, powerful. Huge, whopping penis? Well, sorry to disappoint, but my huge, whopping penis is right here, and I'm not afraid to use it. So stop looking at my breasts, and start looking at my penis. I'm Nellie Bertram, president of special projects. In the next few weeks we're going to throw everything you know about business out of the window and do it our own way. Are your minds blown? So, how did this special project come about anyway? Well, I interviewed to be the manager of your branch. After you decided I wasn't 'a good fit-'

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50089

  15. Ah! It was. I went on a shopping spree. Very destructive. I bought thirteen pianos. Then I realized, what if Sabre had a store? Hmm? So I called Jo, old friend, founder of Sabre, and I told her and she grabbed me by the shoulders and she said, 'Yes!' So let's talk about the Sabre store then. Probably gonna look stupid, right? Like a big turd with a door on the front, right? What do you think it should look like?

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50091

  16. No, not a big fan of the winter aesthetic.

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50093

  17. Oh, no, it does. It does. It has to be winter, and I reject it. So I drew up a design concept. Probably gonna be rubbish, right? Would you like to look at it? Just so you could laugh at it.

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50095

  18. Let me just get the projector working.

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50097

  19. Jim, help me lower this screen. You're a big, tall man. You'd be hilarious trying to do it, like a little boy. Just let go of his balloon.

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50104

  20. Is there not? Maybe I'm just waiting for someone to wow me.

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50111

  21. Hunting's so primal. Almost sexual.

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50115

  22. Why are you sitting down like that?

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50120

  23. We have the Sabre Pyramid, right? Hmm? We've got a bunch of humans. You guys, humans... pyramid. Human pyramid. Do you follow? It's a team-building exercise. You'll love it. Who's in? Hmm?

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50130

  24. I feel like I'm in ancient Egypt.

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50137

  25. Very good point.

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50177

  26. Dwight, are you all right?

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50179

  27. Ah, what is your topic?

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50195

  28. What are the three pillars of retail?

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50205

  29. Very true. Where there's a will, there's a way. I once spent a passionate night with Hugh Grant's brother, John Grant. He's older than Hugh, just a little bit uglier. How did I pull that off? Sheer force of will. That is very good, Dwight.

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50212

  30. How are you feeling?

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50225

  31. Can I see the wound?

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50227

  32. Oh! That's disgusting. That's barely healed.

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50229

  33. A few hours ago, your body was open like a cabinet.

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50231

  34. That is amazing. Todd, look at that.

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50233

  35. Would you come in early tomorrow so we can talk about the store over breakfast? I feel you have a lot to offer.

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50236

  36. Everyone, we have a very special guest. He turned an idea into a store, into hundreds of stores. I give you Wally Amos, founder of Famous Amos Cookies.

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50245

  37. Ah, we get the gist. It's just success and effort, isn't it? So just, don't be coy, make with the cookies!

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50251

  38. It is the end of the day, it is the end of the week. We managed to fill 40 hours somehow. That's not bad, is it?

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50275

  39. Well thank you. This is very helpful feedback. Dwight, I am still not ready to name a VP.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50278

  40. I can't be hypnotized, Dwight. I tried it, I ended up smoking more.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50280

  41. Alright, I'm gonna eliminate three people right now, okay? Just' you three, no.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50290

  42. Everyone meet in the hotel bar at 7:00. I'm not allowed to say it's mandatory, so let's just call it compulsory.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50293

  43. Jason Bourne has no support staff. His own government's out to get him.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50315

  44. Ooh, double meaning! The game was lame, and now he's lame from the kick. Quick wit.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50331

  45. I will be right back.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50355

  46. Blow in my ear.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50383

  47. Like I'm on the beach.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50385

  48. And a wave crashing' a wave crashing.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50387

  49. Oh, that is lovely.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50388

  50. Impressive.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50400

  51. You look like Ed Harris if they stretched him a little bit.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50454

  52. Oh!

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50507

  53. Put your forehead near mine, and see if you can read my thoughts.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50543

  54. No, no, no, not numbers, no.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50545

  55. No.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50547

  56. Dwight, give me a key card to your room. Meet me in seven minutes for some one-on-one time.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50549

  57. Mm-hmm.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50551

  58. mm-hmm'

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50553

  59. I will see you in seven-

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50555

  60. Dwight? Hello? Dwight?

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50590

  61. Are you in there? I can see the light on under your door. Hello? Oh, look at that. The light went off, just as I said the light went on. Hello? Dwight? Dwight.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50593

  62. Test launch day, people. Now, I would like to fill you in on a little secret about me to inspire you today. Now, I know you probably all think I'm this patrician goddess. But here's the truth. I was born in the little working class town of Basildon, and until the age of 32, I talked like this, which was bloody horrendous, innit? I came from dirt, no lower than ' what's lower than dirt?

    Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50603

  63. Yeah, thank you. Loam. Bloody loam, I came from. I hit rock bottom when I auditioned for the Spice Girls. I didn't even get a callback.

    Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50605

  64. The black one. I never stood a chance.

    Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50607

  65. Now, think about my journey here today, and let it inspire your journey.

    Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50609

  66. Uh' that is excellent.

    Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50621

  67. I want to create a sense of wonder and enthusiasm as if, at the end of E.T., candy poured out of the screen. Do you understand? I wanna get goose pimples.

    Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50625

  68. Yes!

    Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50680

  69. I wasn't really sure which one of you is Chuck.

    Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50682

  70. Dwight, what is a fail? That sounds bad.

    Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50687

  71. We gave you an Arrowhead for free for the day. How hard would it have been to do this, hmmm? 'Hello. Hi sweetie. It's Jim. I'm calling you from the new Arrowhead, which is why my voice is crystal clear. And my hand will never get tired because of the ergonomic shape.'

    Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50691

  72. How you doing?

    Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50774

  73. Your little man is unraveling. Now go and fix it.

    Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50776

  74. What is the delay here? Where's Ryan? Why is he not here?

    Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50791

  75. What?

    Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50794

  76. You are gonna bloody ruin it. You're gonna bloody ruin it because you're a no-good half-assed cock-eyed...

    Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50796

  77. That's....

    Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50798

  78. Dwight. You're the vice president.

    Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50847

  79. [squealing]

    Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50849

  80. aagh!

    Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50851

  81. Oh, all right! Well swung my VIP VP.

    Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50872

  82. I am so happy Dwight is gonna be working alongside me. We are a regular Archibald and his man George.

    Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50874

  83. Trick... there's no such thing. It's not even a real English duo.

    Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50876

  84. I just made you look like the goat of Dover. And that doesn't exist either.

    Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50878

  85. He doesn't even care.

    Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50882

  86. Ah. In England, they put the holes a little bit to the right, you see. We'll just chalk it up to cultural bias.

    Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50906

  87. Oh.

    Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50908

  88. Hop in, we have places to be. No rest for the wicked.

    Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50929

  89. How did that look?

    Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50947

  90. Where the hell is he? I cannot do this without him.

    Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51051

  91. Right, let's begin then. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce the vice president of Sabre Retail, Mr. Todd Packer.

    Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51054

  92. Whatever you do, do not blame Todd Packer. It is not his fault. Blame his upbringing, his parents, the society that would mold this idiotic creature. Fire the employee, yes... but not the man. You may not cancel his soul.

    Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51100

  93. Allow me to solve your problem, then.

    Season 8 · Episode 19 · Line 51138

  94. Mmm. Oh, that is disgusting. Do you call that a King James breakfast pie?

    Season 8 · Episode 19 · Line 51140

  95. Certainly not the Harry Houdini Museum. What a nobody. Oh look, some Hungarian just found their way out of a sack. Let's build a shrine. No, I've come to work here.

    Season 8 · Episode 19 · Line 51142

  96. Mm.

    Season 8 · Episode 19 · Line 51146

  97. That one looks empty.

    Season 8 · Episode 19 · Line 51151

  98. Oh, is it?

    Season 8 · Episode 19 · Line 51153

  99. I have one simple philosophy in business: if the seat is open, the job is open. It's how I came to briefly race a formula one car. The three slowest laps ever recorded.

    Season 8 · Episode 19 · Line 51154

  100. Robert.

    Season 8 · Episode 19 · Line 51161