Every line from The Office season 9, episode 8, in script order. First aired November 29, 2012.
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Pete
This next card comes to us thanks to Meredith Palmer, who called Eastern Pennsylvania Seminary a, quote 'sausage factory.'
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54848
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Meredith
Oh OOOH!
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54849
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Everyone
[approving cheers]
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54850
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Meredith
Boom!
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54851
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Darryl
Bang.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54852
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Kevin
Yep, yep, yep.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54853
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Pete
All right. Up next we got a whole lotta Creed.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54854
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Creed
Let's find out what I did.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54855
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Pete
All right.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54856
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Dwight
You get half now and half upon completion of said job.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54857
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Trevor
And that's all off the books?
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54858
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Angela
Obviously.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54859
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Trevor
Nice. No taxes.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54860
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Angela
Okay, so everything you need to know about the target is in here.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54861
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Trevor
So what's the job?
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54862
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Angela
Murder.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54863
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Trevor
Okay, that's the big one. That's the big 'M.'
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54864
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Dwight
You can't have someone murdered.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54865
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Angela
What if they deserved it?
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54866
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Dwight
What did they do to you, Angela?
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54867
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Angela
They're sleeping with my husband.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54868
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Dwight
Oh, Monkey. Oh, I feel for you.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54869
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Trevor
This seems a little crazy.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54870
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Dwight
Yes. Crazy. Thank you.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54871
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Trevor
But I think I'm up for it.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54872
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Dwight
No! No!
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54873
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Angela
Thank you.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54874
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Dwight
Absolutely not. There are a lot of different ways to get revenge. I've had great success by defecating in a paper bag, put it on the porch--
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54875
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Trevor
That's very effective. I've been on the receiving end of that quite a few times. It's devastating.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54876
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Angela
No, no, no. It has to be physical. I want this person to suffer.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54877
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Trevor
What about a knee-capping?
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54878
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Dwight
No! You're not helping, Trevor!
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54879
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Angela
Yes, a knee-capping could work.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54880
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Dwight
No. Angela! What are you saying?
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54881
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Angela
You said you would be there for me.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54882
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Dwight
I'm trying, but what you're asking is--
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54883
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Angela
It's the only thing that will make this right.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54884
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Dwight
Okay. But it's cruel, because a woman with damaged knees can't scrub worth a damn.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54885
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Trevor
All right, then it's settled. One knee-capping. Now, the hit goes down at 4:00. Keep in mind, once I leave, there's no turning back.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54886
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Jim
You know, truth be told, I think all you'll really be doing is accepting calls from my clients while I'm gone.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54887
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Stanley
We've got all afternoon to talk about that.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54888
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Waiter
Morning, folks.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54889
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Stanley
I'll have the surf and turf with a side order of lobster.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54890
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Waiter
Actually, the surf and turf does come with lob--
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54891
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Stanley
Not enough lobster. Side order.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54892
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Phyllis
How much wine do you have?
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54893
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Oscar
I brought you a cookie.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54894
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Angela
Oh, thanks, Oscar. You're such an angel.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54895
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Oscar
I just gave her a cookie, and she called me an angel, so... yeah, we're good. Yeah. We dodged a bullet, yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah-- Well, I gotta go now, but-- Okay, bye. Bye.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54896
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Pete
There we go.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54897
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Everyone
[cheers and applause]
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54898
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Pete
Nicely done. Very nicely done. All right, this next one goes to Darryl for pocket dialing a customer while having sex.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54899
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Nellie
Oooohh... you salty dog.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54900
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Darryl
Well, yeah, what can I say, a player's gotta play.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54901
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Pete
There you go.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54902
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Darryl
Actually, that was the sound of me eating spaghetti. But I'm gonna let them think the other thing.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54903
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Kevin
Okay, I got this one.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54904
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Nellie
Oh, be careful! Be careful! Be careful
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54905
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Kevin
No, I got it. Easy does it, everyone. Nobody even take a breath.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54906
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Everyone
Oh no! Kevin!
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54907
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Nellie
What did I just say? What did I just say?
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54908
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Pete
Hey, hey, hey, it's just a mistake. Just a mistake. That's what this tower's all about -- mistakes. Okay, if you're afraid of screwing up, the tower's not for you. Show of hands --- who here has never had a complaint? That's right. Nobody. See that? Nobody. Okay? Let's get back to work, huh? Come on, you in?
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54909
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Kevin
Yeah.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54910
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Pete
There we go. All right, let's do it.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54911
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Jim
You know, at the end of the day, it's really only two days. I mean, I'll be back in the office. If you need me for an emergency, call me. I'll be there...
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54912
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Phyllis
You know what? I don't know where the years went. 'Cause sometimes when I look at my hands, I don't even recognize them.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54913
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Jim
Tell me about it.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54914
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Phyllis
Whose hands are these? Theyre not my hands. I don't know.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54915
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Jim
All right. You know what? Maybe we'll just... We'll go slow.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54916
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Phyllis
No. Jim...
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54917
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Pete
All right. Check it out.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54918
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Everyone
[cheers and applause]
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54919
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Pete
Like a Phoenix from the ashes. Ksshhhh!
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54920
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Kevin
Nice. Pretty soon, we're gonna be at the ceiling.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54921
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Erin
Whoo!
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54922
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Pete
Can you hand me a card?
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54923
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Erin
Um,. it's empty.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54924
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Pete
What?
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54925
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Nellie
Oh, come on. We could use a blank card.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54926
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Everyone
No!!
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54927
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Meredith
That's cheating.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54928
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Pam
I could get us a complaint.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54929
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Meredith
You? Little Miss Priss? You wouldn't fart on a butterfly.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54930
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Pam
No, I wouldn't. I can't even relate to that impulse. But I bet I could get us a customer complaint. I'd like to try.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54931
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Nellie
Hmm. Yeah. All right! Yea, go, Pam! Pam...
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54932
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Everyone
'Pam!'
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54933
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Angela
What? Why did you call me out here?
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54934
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Dwight
The target-- it's Oscar, isn't it? He and the senator are gaying each other.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54935
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Angela
I don't know what you're talking about.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54936
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Dwight
Your nostrils tell a different story. They flare like that every time you're engaging in deception. Hello again, naughty nostrils.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54937
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Angela
Fine! It's Oscar. So what?
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54938
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Dwight
Well I could understand you wanting to get a stranger's knees whacked. But a co-worker-- Dare I say, a friend?
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54939
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Angela
Exactly, a friend. Someone who sits next to you year after year, making chitchat and smiling, and all the while running behind your back and defiling your marriage and seducing your husband.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54940
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Dwight
I can't even imagine how painful this must be for you. But the first ones to break your marriage vows were you and me.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54941
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Angela
Well, you might be right. But it's too late now.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54942
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Dwight
What do you mean?
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54943
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Angela
He's here.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54944
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Dwight
No! No, no!
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54945
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Dwight
Oscar? Oscar. Oscar, good. Hey come with me.
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54946
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Oscar
What?
Season 9 · Episode 8 · Line 54947