Every quote from The Office season 9, episode 4, in script order. First aired October 18, 2012.
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Stanley
Next stop pies!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53763
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Group
Next stop pies!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53764
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Kevin
Next stop pies!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53765
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Jim
Let's go driver! Laverne packs up the pie wagon at five so...
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53766
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Kevin
At five? That's only twenty minutes from now. The pie shop is thirteen miles away. So at fifty five miles an hour that just gives us five minutes to spare.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53767
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Angela
So wait, when pies are involved you can suddenly do math in your head?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53768
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Kevin
Wh...
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53769
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Oscar
Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53770
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Kevin
314 pies.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53771
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Oscar
What if it were salads?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53772
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Kevin
Well, it's the...carry the four...and...it doesn't work.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53773
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Dwight
I'm sorry to spoil Jim's fantastic voyage everyone, but we're almost out of gas.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53774
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Jim
OK, well I saw a station about a mile back so, chop chop.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53775
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Dwight
That name brand place? Nope forget about it, sorry. The tanks are so big on this thing, five cents a gallon extra, that really adds up.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53776
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Jim
Are you kidding me? Dwight, come on!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53777
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Pam
Hey honey, I don't think we should push him.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53778
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Jim
Oh no, I'm gonna push him. You know why? Because you're getting a pie. Why? Cause you deserve it. And what is he doing? He's trying to drive us all around the countryside looking for gas because he knows we won't get there. Is that what we want?!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53779
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Group
No!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53780
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Dwight
Stop ordering me around, Jim!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53781
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Jim
What do we want?!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53782
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Group
Pies!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53783
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Jim
When do we want it?!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53784
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Group
Pies!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53785
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Dwight
OK, fine. You win. Jim, you win. We have been battling for a long time, but you know what? You win, cause you are the winner, you are the alpha male, there you go. Alpha male, go buy your wife a pie. Go buy the whole world a pie.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53786
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Jim
That's impossible. Dwight!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53787
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Meredith
Oh my!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53788
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Jim
What are you doing?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53789
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Meredith
Dwight, what the hell?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53790
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Oscar
Dwight!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53791
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Clark
What?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53792
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Kevin
Well now I don't even feel like pie. Wait...no it's back.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53793
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Phyllis
Just drive away. Just..
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53794
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Pam
Phyllis! That's not safe.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53795
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Kevin
Guys, we only have eighteen minutes left. At sixty one miles an hour we're just gonna barely make it.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53796
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Pam
Go up and check on him. He's upset.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53797
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Jim
You know he's doing all this on purpose.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53798
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Pam
Please? Just make sure he's OK?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53799
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Stanley
Hurry it up for god's sake. They're gonna be out of banana cream!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53800
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Andy
Banana cream is the first to go. We'll be lucky to get pumpkin at this point!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53801
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Meredith
What?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53802
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Jim
Dwight? Why are you such a jerk? I am trying to do something for my wife and you keep derailing-
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53803
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Dwight
I'm barren, Jim.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53804
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Jim
What?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53805
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Dwight
My trouser hives are void of honey. I had congress with Angela and the child that she bore did not issue from my loins. I thought I would be a father and instead I am a eunuch. Neutered by my own building.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53806
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Jim
Is this about the popcorn? Or the X on the ceiling? Dwight, that was a prank.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53807
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Dwight
You mean you flooded my building with dangerous electromagnetic radiation as a prank?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53808
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Jim
No.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53809
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Dwight
That's genius. That's the best prank you've ever done.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53810
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Jim
I'll take it.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53811
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Nellie
Andy?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53812
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Andy
Who is it?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53813
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Nellie
Um, is this a good time?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53814
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Andy
Yeah. Perfect time. I'm right in the middle of a rooftop crisis. Fine, let me read it. What do we have here? Uh, ok, blah blah blah blah blah, dah dah dah dah dah dah, you've made this very easy for me. It's unsignable.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53815
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Nellie
Oh, why, is there something?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53816
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Andy
It's inaccurate, dishonest and...in a word? Dongwater.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53817
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Nellie
Ah well, perhaps I could rewrite some of the-
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53818
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Andy
Here's the thing, you asked me to do you a favor? I did it. I read it. Thank you very much to me for my time. Good luck with your impossible dream.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53819
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Nellie
Alright then.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53820
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Jim
Dwight, sometimes it takes couples years to get pregnant.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53821
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Dwight
Really? How long did it take you and Pam to conceive?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53822
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Jim
That doesn't matter.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53823
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Dwight
What position did you use to conceive?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53824
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Jim
Ok...that's not...
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53825
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Dwight
Regular? Or lady on her back? You used lady on her back, didn't you, you freak. Yuck, gross. Never mind, Jim.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53826
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Andy
British women. Famously overemotional. Am I right?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53827
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Pete
I don't think that's Nelly.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53828
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Andy
What?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53829
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Nellie
Oh, oh no, no. Look, it's alright. It really isn't your fault. No, no. Look, it's...you were so kind. And it isn't anything to do with you.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53830
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Jim
Did you ever think that because you own the building, everyone in it, we're all kinda like your children?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53831
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Dwight
You know there's a phrase about that in German. Bildenkinder. Used almost exclusively by childless landlords to console themselves. But now? I really understand it.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53832
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Jim
Well, now you have a bus full of real..bilden..kin..
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53833
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Dwight
Bildenkinder.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53834
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Jim
OK. And they're all dangerously close to not getting pie. And there's only one guy who can save them. It's not me.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53835
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Pam
Oh! Hey! How'd it go?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53836
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Jim
It's pretty good actually.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53837
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Pam
Yeah?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53838
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Jim
We bonded. We got to-
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53839
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Oscar
Whoa! Whoa! Dwight!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53840
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Dwight
When you don't get out of the way! Out of the way!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53841
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Pam
You feel OK now?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53842
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Dwight
Oh, better than OK. You know what honey? I'm gonna get you that rhubarb pie.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53843
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Pam
Well, actually, rhubarb is-
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53844
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Jim
Don't..
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53845
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Pam
the one pie that I don't.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53846
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Jim
Don't..
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53847
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Dwight
Everybody! Hang on!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53848
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Angela
Oh!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53849
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Jim
Pie! Pie! Pie!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53850
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Group
Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53851
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Nellie
Oh.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53852
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Andy
I changed my mind.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53853
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Nellie
Oh, you signed it?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53854
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Andy
Yeah. Not as is, obviously. Made a couple changes. Added some sentences at the end. Trust me it needed it. Well, yeah, whatever. So.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53855
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Nellie
'She's tough in business, but tender with the people she cares about. She'll make a wonderful mother to any child who can overlook weird accents.'
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53856
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Kevin
I insult you, Oscar.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53857
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Oscar
What?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53858
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Kevin
I insult you! To your face!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53859
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Oscar
I don't know what you're talking about.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53860
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Kevin
Then why don't you do something about it?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53861
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Oscar
Kevin, are you trying to get me to hit you? In the face with my pie?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53862