Every quote from The Office season 9, episode 4, in script order. First aired October 18, 2012.
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Andy
Alright everybody, great season of softball, I'm super proud of you guys and I think you're gonna like this little highlight reel that I put together.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53563
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Group: Dunder Mifflin!
Andy: Andy Bernard presents: Summer Softball Epic Fails! [Kevin swings bat on screen, fart noise follows] Fail. [repeats] Fail
Kevin:
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53564
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[repeats]
Andy: Fail
Oscar:
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53565
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Andy
A blooper reel? What is this, 2005? I look like Bob Saget? Fail! Who's this guy?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53566
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Dwight
Fail!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53567
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Jim
I deserved that.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53568
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Andy
[Darryl runs in slow motion on video]
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53569
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Darryl
That was a triple.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53570
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Andy
Can't take the fail? Get out of the fail video!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53571
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Darryl
My pleasure.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53572
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[Clark and Pete are shown on screen]
Video Andy: Hey, I'm Pete, puberty is such a drag, man. And I'm Clark! I like to eat toilet paper. [Clark and Pete wave at camera] We fail! [Video shows memorial of Jerry
Andy:
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53573
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Oscar
What was that? That was just a normal video with you making vulgar noises.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53574
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Andy
Well, I worked with what I had, Oscar. Next time do more failure stuff, OK?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53575
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Jim
Uh, what happened to that video I sent you?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53576
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Andy
Oh that wasn't...that didn't work. That was not the right..[Group protests]
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53577
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Jim
I think I got it right here.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53578
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Andy
That was not a fail.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53579
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Group
Fail! Fail! Fail!...
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53580
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Andy
[Group continues chanting 'Fail!']That was actually a serious accident that could have resulted in severe bodily harm. You're all failing right now. Congratulations on your epic fail of the use of the word fail!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53581
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Dwight
Oh, god.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53582
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Phyllis
What's going on?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53583
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Dwight
Nothing! Nothing is going on. Keep moving please.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53584
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Stanley
What's he measuring?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53585
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Dwight
OK, excuse me. I am the landlord. This is between me and the management, no one else. Please.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53586
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Toby
It's an EMF hotspot.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53587
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Phyllis
Oh my god!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53588
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Oscar
It stands for electromagnetic field. Generally cause by a concentration of wiring in one area Especially if they're poorly insulated. Dwight.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53589
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Andy
Um, OK I'm just walking into this. Am I to understand there is a bee hive in the wall?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53590
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Toby
You think I have a machine for measuring bee hives?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53591
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Andy
I was just asking a question, Toby. How are you not murdered every hour?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53592
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Stanley
Well I'm not getting paid to work in a microwave oven.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53593
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Dwight
OK, listen. Everything here is up to code.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53594
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Dwight
Oh, the wires need insulation. It's a wire people. I'm not buying it a fur coat.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53595
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Pam
Thank you.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53596
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Jim
You got it.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53597
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Jim
Last week, I finally told Pam about the other job I took in Philly...the side job. And she was so incredibly cool about it. And now I just wanna do something huge for her. Like if we were in some biker bar and she mouthed off to some bikers and they came lumbering over and I was like wham! Gotta go through me first.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53598
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Nellie
Andy, could I have a word please? Um, it won't take a moment. It's extremely important and it really has to happen now.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53599
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Andy
Fine. I will give you one minute.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53600
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Nellie
Oh, please don't use the hourglass.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53601
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Andy
You have one minute and your minute has begun and no time will be added at the end, even to accommodate this sentence with all of it's baroque dependent clauses and cascading turns of phrase.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53602
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Nellie
I'm trying to adopt a baby.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53603
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Andy
A baby what? A human?!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53604
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Nellie
And the...agency require a character reference from my employer.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53605
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Andy
Oh.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53606
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Nellie
You wouldn't have to do anything. I would write the letter myself and you just simply sign it. So.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53607
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Andy
Oh, OK. And fall right into your plagiarism entrapment scheme? I don't think so.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53608
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Nellie
It's not..it's-
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53609
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Andy
And I happen to notice you're down to about thirty seconds here.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53610
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Nellie
Well then if I could just convince...
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53611
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Andy
And those sand grains are tumbling..
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53612
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Nellie
You.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53613
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Andy
With fury...
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53614
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Nellie
It's not..it's not
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53615
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Andy
Down the sides..
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53616
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Nellie
Entrapment if I'm..
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53617
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Andy
Of the hourglass..
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53618
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Nellie
..writing..
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53619
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Andy
Time's up!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53620
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Nellie
Fine.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53621
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Andy
Sure. I'll read her letter. And if she tells the truth about how evil and unfit to be a mother she is, then yeah. I'll sign that.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53622
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Dwight
'Statistical correlations exist between EMF radiation and various health hazards. But mainstream studies are inconclusive!' That means you can't make me do squat.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53623
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Meredith
You better fix this. I already ditched my uterus and I ain't losing any more good parts.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53624
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Dwight
You people don't realize what you're asking. I'd have to rip open the walls. We'd have to shut this place down for a week.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53625
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Pam
Week off. That'd be great.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53626
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Darryl
Hey, if you don't want to teach me Power Point, just say so.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53627
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Clark
I don't want to teach you Power Point.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53628
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Darryl
Come on! Just show me the Power Point.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53629
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Clark
Just do the tutorial.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53630
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Darryl
You're the tutorial.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53631
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Clark
No, dude, I'm not. I'm not the tutorial.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53632
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Darryl
You could be.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53633
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Clark
Mm-mm.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53634
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Darryl
What are you doing?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53635
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Jim
Getting my wife a week off from work.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53636
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Darryl
You popped one kernel.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53637
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Jim
Awesome, right?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53638
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Clark
So Creed is that dude's step dad?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53639
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Darryl
Correct.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53640
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Jim
Well, I don't know about the rest of you but I'm just gonna say it. I'm nervous. I have no idea what health problems this is all gonna cause.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53641
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Dwight
What? Come on.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53642
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Creed
I'm getting older. I'm losing my hair...
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53643
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Meredith
I'm not gonna grow a third arm!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53644
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Dwight
I know what Jim is trying to do. He's trying to get big bad Dwight to shell out for a huge repair job while lucky Jimbo gets a paid vacation. Well sorry, lucky Jimbo, I can live very happily in a magnetic field. Most of my childhood heroes got their power that way.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53645
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Jim
'Side effects of EMF include: headaches...'
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53646
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Dwight
Had 'em all my life.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53647
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Jim
'..breast pain...'
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53648
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Dwight
No nobbies, no probbies. Nice try Jim.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53649
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Jim
Oof. 'Infertility.'
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53650
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Dwight
Yeah right.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53651
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Jim
Ah! There's my popcorn. Can you just grab that for me?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53652
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Dwight
Psh. Keep your snacks on your side, Jim. Idiot. What the?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53653
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Jim
What?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53654
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Dwight
Some of these kernels have crowned.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53655
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Jim
That's impossible, cause that's a brand new bag...Oh my god.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53656
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Dwight
Andy!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53657
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Jim
I'm gonna drive you up to the lake, give you a whole week on the water. Just you, me and the kids.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53658
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Pam
Oh, can we stop by that pie stand on the way?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53659
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Jim
You mean Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also? Yes we will be doing that. We'll be getting a dozen.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53660
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Pam
A dozen different pies? Cause that means rhubarb.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53661
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Jim
Why would you say that? I meant 4 apple, 4 blueberry, 2 cherry, 1 peach and 1 chocolate. I thought that was implied.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53662