Every line from The Office season 9, episode 4, in script order. First aired October 18, 2012.
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Andy
Alright everybody, great season of softball, I'm super proud of you guys and I think you're gonna like this little highlight reel that I put together.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53563
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Group: Dunder Mifflin!
Andy: Andy Bernard presents: Summer Softball Epic Fails! [Kevin swings bat on screen, fart noise follows] Fail. [repeats] Fail
Kevin:
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53564
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[repeats]
Andy: Fail
Oscar:
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53565
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Andy
A blooper reel? What is this, 2005? I look like Bob Saget? Fail! Who's this guy?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53566
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Dwight
Fail!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53567
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Jim
I deserved that.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53568
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Andy
[Darryl runs in slow motion on video]
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53569
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Darryl
That was a triple.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53570
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Andy
Can't take the fail? Get out of the fail video!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53571
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Darryl
My pleasure.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53572
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[Clark and Pete are shown on screen]
Video Andy: Hey, I'm Pete, puberty is such a drag, man. And I'm Clark! I like to eat toilet paper. [Clark and Pete wave at camera] We fail! [Video shows memorial of Jerry
Andy:
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53573
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Oscar
What was that? That was just a normal video with you making vulgar noises.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53574
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Andy
Well, I worked with what I had, Oscar. Next time do more failure stuff, OK?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53575
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Jim
Uh, what happened to that video I sent you?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53576
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Andy
Oh that wasn't...that didn't work. That was not the right..[Group protests]
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53577
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Jim
I think I got it right here.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53578
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Andy
That was not a fail.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53579
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Group
Fail! Fail! Fail!...
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53580
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Andy
[Group continues chanting 'Fail!']That was actually a serious accident that could have resulted in severe bodily harm. You're all failing right now. Congratulations on your epic fail of the use of the word fail!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53581
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Dwight
Oh, god.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53582
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Phyllis
What's going on?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53583
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Dwight
Nothing! Nothing is going on. Keep moving please.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53584
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Stanley
What's he measuring?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53585
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Dwight
OK, excuse me. I am the landlord. This is between me and the management, no one else. Please.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53586
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Toby
It's an EMF hotspot.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53587
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Phyllis
Oh my god!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53588
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Oscar
It stands for electromagnetic field. Generally cause by a concentration of wiring in one area Especially if they're poorly insulated. Dwight.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53589
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Andy
Um, OK I'm just walking into this. Am I to understand there is a bee hive in the wall?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53590
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Toby
You think I have a machine for measuring bee hives?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53591
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Andy
I was just asking a question, Toby. How are you not murdered every hour?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53592
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Stanley
Well I'm not getting paid to work in a microwave oven.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53593
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Dwight
OK, listen. Everything here is up to code.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53594
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Dwight
Oh, the wires need insulation. It's a wire people. I'm not buying it a fur coat.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53595
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Pam
Thank you.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53596
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Jim
You got it.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53597
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Jim
Last week, I finally told Pam about the other job I took in Philly...the side job. And she was so incredibly cool about it. And now I just wanna do something huge for her. Like if we were in some biker bar and she mouthed off to some bikers and they came lumbering over and I was like wham! Gotta go through me first.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53598
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Nellie
Andy, could I have a word please? Um, it won't take a moment. It's extremely important and it really has to happen now.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53599
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Andy
Fine. I will give you one minute.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53600
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Nellie
Oh, please don't use the hourglass.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53601
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Andy
You have one minute and your minute has begun and no time will be added at the end, even to accommodate this sentence with all of it's baroque dependent clauses and cascading turns of phrase.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53602
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Nellie
I'm trying to adopt a baby.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53603
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Andy
A baby what? A human?!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53604
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Nellie
And the...agency require a character reference from my employer.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53605
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Andy
Oh.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53606
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Nellie
You wouldn't have to do anything. I would write the letter myself and you just simply sign it. So.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53607
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Andy
Oh, OK. And fall right into your plagiarism entrapment scheme? I don't think so.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53608
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Nellie
It's not..it's-
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53609
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Andy
And I happen to notice you're down to about thirty seconds here.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53610
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Nellie
Well then if I could just convince...
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53611
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Andy
And those sand grains are tumbling..
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53612
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Nellie
You.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53613
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Andy
With fury...
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53614
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Nellie
It's not..it's not
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53615
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Andy
Down the sides..
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53616
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Nellie
Entrapment if I'm..
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53617
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Andy
Of the hourglass..
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53618
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Nellie
..writing..
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53619
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Andy
Time's up!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53620
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Nellie
Fine.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53621
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Andy
Sure. I'll read her letter. And if she tells the truth about how evil and unfit to be a mother she is, then yeah. I'll sign that.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53622
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Dwight
'Statistical correlations exist between EMF radiation and various health hazards. But mainstream studies are inconclusive!' That means you can't make me do squat.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53623
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Meredith
You better fix this. I already ditched my uterus and I ain't losing any more good parts.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53624
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Dwight
You people don't realize what you're asking. I'd have to rip open the walls. We'd have to shut this place down for a week.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53625
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Pam
Week off. That'd be great.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53626
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Darryl
Hey, if you don't want to teach me Power Point, just say so.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53627
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Clark
I don't want to teach you Power Point.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53628
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Darryl
Come on! Just show me the Power Point.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53629
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Clark
Just do the tutorial.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53630
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Darryl
You're the tutorial.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53631
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Clark
No, dude, I'm not. I'm not the tutorial.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53632
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Darryl
You could be.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53633
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Clark
Mm-mm.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53634
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Darryl
What are you doing?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53635
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Jim
Getting my wife a week off from work.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53636
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Darryl
You popped one kernel.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53637
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Jim
Awesome, right?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53638
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Clark
So Creed is that dude's step dad?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53639
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Darryl
Correct.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53640
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Jim
Well, I don't know about the rest of you but I'm just gonna say it. I'm nervous. I have no idea what health problems this is all gonna cause.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53641
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Dwight
What? Come on.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53642
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Creed
I'm getting older. I'm losing my hair...
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53643
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Meredith
I'm not gonna grow a third arm!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53644
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Dwight
I know what Jim is trying to do. He's trying to get big bad Dwight to shell out for a huge repair job while lucky Jimbo gets a paid vacation. Well sorry, lucky Jimbo, I can live very happily in a magnetic field. Most of my childhood heroes got their power that way.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53645
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Jim
'Side effects of EMF include: headaches...'
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53646
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Dwight
Had 'em all my life.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53647
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Jim
'..breast pain...'
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53648
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Dwight
No nobbies, no probbies. Nice try Jim.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53649
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Jim
Oof. 'Infertility.'
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53650
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Dwight
Yeah right.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53651
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Jim
Ah! There's my popcorn. Can you just grab that for me?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53652
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Dwight
Psh. Keep your snacks on your side, Jim. Idiot. What the?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53653
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Jim
What?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53654
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Dwight
Some of these kernels have crowned.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53655
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Jim
That's impossible, cause that's a brand new bag...Oh my god.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53656
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Dwight
Andy!
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53657
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Jim
I'm gonna drive you up to the lake, give you a whole week on the water. Just you, me and the kids.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53658
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Pam
Oh, can we stop by that pie stand on the way?
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53659
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Jim
You mean Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also? Yes we will be doing that. We'll be getting a dozen.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53660
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Pam
A dozen different pies? Cause that means rhubarb.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53661
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Jim
Why would you say that? I meant 4 apple, 4 blueberry, 2 cherry, 1 peach and 1 chocolate. I thought that was implied.
Season 9 · Episode 4 · Line 53662