Every line from The Office season 8, episode 15, in script order. First aired February 16, 2012.
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Dwight
Yeah, I'm gonna need an ambulance. Hold on, I have the address in my phone. Hold on. Hold on one second. Uh, quick question. Vice president, uh, who is that? There's no name listed.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50110
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Nellie
Is there not? Maybe I'm just waiting for someone to wow me.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50111
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Emergency Operator
Sir? Sir, where should we send the ambulance?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50112
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Dwight
Send it to the frickin' moon, idiot.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50113
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Todd Packer
I tell you what though, since my move down to Florida I've really gotten back into hunting big time.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50114
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Nellie
Hunting's so primal. Almost sexual.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50115
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Todd Packer
Totally. I mean, I'd never bang an animal, you can hardly tell the difference between a boy or a girl, you know, but hunting's intense.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50116
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Dwight
You talking about hunting? I love hunting. I'm a master hunter.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50117
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Todd Packer
Did you say 'masturbator?'
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50118
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Dwight
I'm a decent baiter. My cousin Mose, that's a master baiter.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50119
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Nellie
Why are you sitting down like that?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50120
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Dwight
Why is everyone else standing up? Okay team, let's get back to work! Break's over!
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50121
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Jim
Wow. Are you that bored?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50122
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Stanley
It's just rum. I'm not bored, I'm a pirate.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50123
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Jim
Is that another motto?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50124
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Stanley
It's whatever you want.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50125
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Jim
Mmm.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50126
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Stanley
Or do you only drink with your kids?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50127
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Jim
Ah, let's do it. Oh, that's healthy.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50128
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Jim
I've spent so much of my life telling myself 'Please, don't end up like Stanley,' and now I'm wondering if I even have what it takes.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50129
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Nellie
We have the Sabre Pyramid, right? Hmm? We've got a bunch of humans. You guys, humans... pyramid. Human pyramid. Do you follow? It's a team-building exercise. You'll love it. Who's in? Hmm?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50130
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Todd Packer
Yup. Tallahassee, let's go.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50131
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Erin
Jim, are you in?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50132
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Jim
Oh, I don't know.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50133
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Stanley
Sounds like a hoot. I'm in.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50134
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Jim
All right, what the heck? Let's do it.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50135
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Todd Packer
This is great. This is gonna be great.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50136
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Nellie
I feel like I'm in ancient Egypt.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50137
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Dwight
I'll be on top. It's the most important position.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50138
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Ryan
Dude, I think you have appendicitis.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50139
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Dwight
Ahh!
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50140
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Ryan
Dwight?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50141
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Jim
Dwight, why don't we just hold off with the human pyramids for a while?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50142
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Dwight
Everyone stop moving! Everyone stop wiggling! Oh, I feel like I'm gonna vomit!
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50143
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Todd Packer
Dude, don't you yak on me. This shirt is Van Heusen.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50144
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Dwight
Stop moving!
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50145
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Jim
No one's moving!
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50146
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Dwight
Oh!
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50147
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Everyone
Oh, oh!
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50148
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Dwight
Arrest Jim. He poisoned me.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50149
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Jim
Wha- no. No, it was not a poisoning.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50150
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Jim
The one thing Pam made sure I knew, Florida's pretty loose with the death penalty.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50151
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Paramedic
You need an operation. You have appendicitis.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50152
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Ryan
Oh! Who called it? Nothin' but net.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50153
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Erin
How long will he be gone?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50154
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Paramedic
Two or three days.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50155
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Dwight
Don't remember me like this. Remember me as the man who pulled down the screen.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50156
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Todd Packer
Drama queen, am I right?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50157
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Dwight
Phillip, if you're hearing this memo, that can only mean one thing, I'm dead. You are the rightful heir to Schrute Farms. Please, you must do one thing. Kill Mose before he kills you. Mose, hey, it's Dwight. Listen, yeah, I just want to give you a heads-up.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50158
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Todd Packer
That was an interesting diversion. Shall we get back to the meeting?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50159
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Pam
Whoa, are those mini pizzas?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50160
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Andy
Yeah, I figured we'd keep things savory while Oscar's mouth is in canker country. I also have some bacon-wrapped dates on deck.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50161
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Kevin
Look at these little mini pizzas. Does this make me look huge? Hey guys, look at me, I'm huge.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50162
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Andy
Hey Darryl, good news, your fax went through.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50163
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Darryl
Oh yeah.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50164
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Andy
Up high.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50165
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Darryl
Yes sir. Thanks.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50166
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Andy
Dunder Mifflin, this is Andy. I put out some new magazines, check it out.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50167
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Creed
Ah, Dwell.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50168
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Andy
I'm acting like I like reception and I'm a really good actor, so people are actually buying that I actually like reception, but, I mean, seriously, reception sucks. Oh, there's the phone!
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50169
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Dwight
I just got out of surgery. What's going on? Fill me in.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50170
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Erin
Well, we broke into groups and the groups are doing presentations later.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50171
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Dwight
Who's doing the presentations?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50172
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Erin
Packer's giving one. Jim'll probably give ours, I guess.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50173
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Dwight
Damn it!
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50174
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Erin
Let's see, what else have you missed? Ryan switched his name tag to his pants, so now it's like if you wear yours on your shirt, you're a total dip, but if you switch, you're a copycat. But I think I figured out a solution. What else? My shoes are gonna-
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50175
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Todd Packer
-features a tech support area. Bring in your product, a bunch of nerdy virgins fix it on the spot. Huge for building loyalty.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50176
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Nellie
Very good point.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50177
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Dwight
Yeah Todd, decent idea. Obvious, but interesting.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50178
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Nellie
Dwight, are you all right?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50179
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Dwight
I'm great. How are you?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50180
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Dwight
What's our presentation about?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50181
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Jim
Dwight, will you go back to the hospital? You were there for like three hours.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50182
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Dwight
I got the surgery, what else is there to do?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50183
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Erin
Do a hundred jumping jacks.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50184
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Dwight
No, I don't feel like it. You do a hundred jumping jacks.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50185
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Erin
I don't feel like it either!
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50186
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Erin
Ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety-nine-
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50187
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Dwight
I want that vice-presidency.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50188
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Jim
You haven't done any of the research.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50189
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Dwight
You're too slow, you're too small, Seabiscuit is a stupid name. You guys sound just like the enemies of Seabiscuit. I'm going to do it.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50190
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Stanley
Aw, let him do it.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50191
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Jim
Stanley, are you listening to music?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50192
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Stanley
Yup.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50193
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Dwight
All right, who's ready for the next presentation?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50194
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Nellie
Ah, what is your topic?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50195
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Dwight
What is our topic? Oh, what a topic it is.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50196
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Erin
Retail consumer habits.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50197
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Dwight
Really? Okay. Retail consumer habits is... The only thing you need to know about retail consumer habits is that consumers are mindless lemmings. They just want to be told what to do. Fast forward to today, and the retail consumer is independent, well-informed, super smart. Super smart. Okay.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50198
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Dwight
Shopping habits are both seasonal and cyclical. What does this mean?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50199
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Ryan
I can field this one.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50200
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Dwight
No, sit down. 'Seasonal.' Well, the Christmas shopping season is certainly a busy one, back-to-school is, as well, and in early summer it seems to slow down a bit, but shopping is also cyclical. The menstrual cycle determines every choice a woman makes. You see, during ovulation, a woman's only goal is to get pregnant, and during menses, she is sad that she has failed. And how does the woman console herself? Shopping. Shopping. Just- Jim, could you fetch me some ice chips? Thank you. Just gonna... take a... brief pause at this point. Thank you. Oh, God. Next slide.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50201
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Andy
Mail call! His name is Oscar, and he got some mail, and he better open it, or go to jail 'cause it's your taxes. His name is Kevin, and no mail for him, but he got a coupon, for some frozen... yogurt.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50202
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Kevin
Are those the lyrics?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50203
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Dwight
Anderson's three pillars of retail. Crucial. So important. Next. Are there any questions?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50204
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Nellie
What are the three pillars of retail?
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50205
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Erin
Convenience.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50206
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Dwight
Ingredients.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50207
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Erin
Service.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50208
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Dwight
Burgers.
Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50209