Dwight

Today is the first day of Sabre's new project to develop a chain of retail stores. I am meeting my new boss, Nellie Bertram, head of special projects. Work starts at nine. Sabre HQ is thirty minutes away, driving the speed limit. Giving everyone twenty minutes to shower, plus fifty for Jim to style his hair, twenty for breakfast, forty for Erin to get lost between her room and the lobby, ninety for Ryan to do his morning ecstasy... We're already twenty minutes late.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50010

Dwight

Wake up!

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50011

Dwight

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Wake up! Ow! Why are you sleeping that way?

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50012

Erin

Oh. I was reading the mattress tag and I fell asleep.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50013

Dwight

Stanley! Wake up! You've got to wake up, the hotel's on fire!

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50014

Erin

Stanley, wake up, it's pretzel day!

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50015

Stanley

Mmm! Ugh!

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50016

Dwight

Good morning.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50017

Erin

Hey, wake up. Let's have some fun. We're in Florida now.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50018

Ryan

Hey, you. I'm so glad this is happening. I actually came to your door twice last night. Come on in, the water's fine. Oh, not cool!

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50019

Jim

I am on the two kid sleep schedule so I'm up and at 'em at four fifteen, but no kids, so I honestly didn't know what to do with myself, and then I thought of something. Uh-

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50020

Dwight

Heeeere's Dwi- what the-? Oh man.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50021

Erin

What do you think happened?

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50022

Dwight

Looks like Jim got mixed up with some bad apples. Oh no, no, no, no. It wasn't me. I gotta find Luwanda at The Alcohol Club. Oh.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50023

Jim

Puppet.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50024

Cathy

Cool, for your kids?

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50025

Jim

Yeah. It's weird being away from them. Never done this before.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50026

Dwight

Attention, Dunder Mifflin group. Proceed outside. The vehicle is waiting. Seats have been assigned. Shotgun goes to Ryan. Congratulations, Ryan.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50027

Dwight

I need to make Nellie see me as a leader today. First impressions get locked in forever. When I first met Pam, she said something that slightly rubbed me the wrong way. Since then I've loved working with Pam and she's frankly wonderful, but I hate her.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50028

Dwight

I'll have a bottle of the antacid. Also, I want to get a souvenir for my son, but his mother doesn't acknowledge my paternity. Do you have anything for that? Also, I want it to have a Florida feel.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50029

Saleswoman

What does he like?

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50030

Dwight

Power.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50031

Ryan

Okay, and this one is, 'Huh. Don't see too many museums around here.'

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50032

Dwight

Okay, Twiggy, that's enough. Get in the car.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50033

Erin

Hey, are you okay?

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50034

Dwight

I'm fine, okay? It's just stress. You know, 'cause I care about this project. And frankly the fact that none of you are vomiting or diarrheal right now I find very alarming.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50035

Erin

Who says none of us are diarrheal?

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50036

Jim

Are you sure it's stress? Because I did poison you.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50037

Dwight

Very funny, Jim.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50038

Jim

Oh no, I'm serious. I was thinking, 'For this trip I have to do something epic, so what should that be?' and then I thought of it. I'll poison you. What are you gonna do? You gonna steal my newspaper or put a cricket in my cereal or something?

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50039

Dwight

I'm gonna set your face on fire.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50040

Jim

That's a good one. Whoa, Stanley! Did you just come back from burning down a rival nightclub?

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50041

Stanley

Laugh it up, Halpert. I'm in Florida for a month without my family. I'm gonna enjoy this. Want to get in? You can work the iPod.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50042

Jim

Yes.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50043

Stanley

You're a nice guy, Jim, but you have no idea how to vacation. Find some Kenny Loggins.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50044

Jim

Loggins and Messina.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50045

Stanley

Did I say 'Messina?'

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50046

Andy

Ahh! Sorry I couldn't resist. It's so quiet.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50047

Creed

I like it. It's so peaceful, I've already written like, twelve plays today.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50048

Andy

It's so quiet, one might say, you could hear a pin... I thought that would be cooler.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50049

Darryl

I loved it.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50050

Meredith

Hey, can you pick up the pin? Some of us like to work in our bare feet.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50051

Andy

Of course, I will pick up the pin. It is right here. Got it.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50052

Oscar

Can we see that? Did you really find it?

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50053

Andy

Yes, right here. Got it. Dink, ow. In the trash.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50054

Pam

Hey, why is it so quiet? Shouldn't the phone be ringing? Uh-oh. Erin set the phone to voicemail.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50055

Everyone

Oh great.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50056

Kelly

We're screwed.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50057

Pam

There.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50058

Andy

Oh! There we go! Pam?

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50059

Pam

Yeah?

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50060

Andy

Can you get the phone?

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50061

Pam

Well I'm not the receptionist.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50062

Andy

Mm, well, you used to be.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50063

Pam

I know, but I can't cover reception. I have a ton of work to do.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50064

Andy

Phone's ringing.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50065

Kelly

Will one of you get the phone? I am freaking out! I know it's for me. Are you guys kidding me? Stop flirting and someone get the phone!

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50066

Everyone

Somebody! Answer the phone.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50067

Kelly

Andy, pick up the phone!

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50068

Stanley

Get the damn phone.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50069

Meredith

You're the closest one to it.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50070

Andy

Fine. Hello, Dunder Mifflin. Hello, you've reached Dunder Mifflin. How may I be of service?

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50071

Jim

Man.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50072

Cathy

How was the drive?

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50073

Jim

Fantastic. Stanley drives so fast.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50074

Stanley

Life is short. 'Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse.' That's one of my mottoes.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50075

Jim

I would love to hear the other mottos.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50076

Todd Packer

Quick query, Halpert.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50077

Jim

No way.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50078

Todd Packer

Still queer?

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50079

Dwight

Packer.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50080

Todd Packer

You can't put me down. Too strong!

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50081

Todd Packer

Yeah, Dwight and Jim tried to get me fired, but I landed on my feet down here in Florida. You see, this cat's got nine lives, and a nine-inch-

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50082

Nellie

Psst. Say, 'So who's leading this thing, anyway?'

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50083

Ryan

So who's leading this thing, anyway?

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50084

Nellie

Psst. Say, 'I can't wait to meet him.'

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50085

Ryan

I can't wait to meet him.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50086

Nellie

Him, you say? Don't think a woman can be a leader?

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50087

Ryan

I-

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50088

Nellie

You poor, simple boy. Expected a man, did you? Strong, powerful. Huge, whopping penis? Well, sorry to disappoint, but my huge, whopping penis is right here, and I'm not afraid to use it. So stop looking at my breasts, and start looking at my penis. I'm Nellie Bertram, president of special projects. In the next few weeks we're going to throw everything you know about business out of the window and do it our own way. Are your minds blown? So, how did this special project come about anyway? Well, I interviewed to be the manager of your branch. After you decided I wasn't 'a good fit-'

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50089

Jim

It was-

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50090

Nellie

Ah! It was. I went on a shopping spree. Very destructive. I bought thirteen pianos. Then I realized, what if Sabre had a store? Hmm? So I called Jo, old friend, founder of Sabre, and I told her and she grabbed me by the shoulders and she said, 'Yes!' So let's talk about the Sabre store then. Probably gonna look stupid, right? Like a big turd with a door on the front, right? What do you think it should look like?

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50091

Cathy

Um, it might be fun if each store had a different theme, like a beach one, a winter one, a jungle one.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50092

Nellie

No, not a big fan of the winter aesthetic.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50093

Cathy

Well that was just one idea. It doesn't have to be winter.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50094

Nellie

Oh, no, it does. It does. It has to be winter, and I reject it. So I drew up a design concept. Probably gonna be rubbish, right? Would you like to look at it? Just so you could laugh at it.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50095

Erin

Yeah!

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50096

Nellie

Let me just get the projector working.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50097

Dwight

Uh.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50098

Jim

You got to stop with the antacids. It's not the antidote.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50099

Dwight

You didn't poison me, it's just stress.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50100

Jim

Okay.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50101

Dwight

What is the antidote?

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50102

Jim

True love's kiss.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50103

Nellie

Jim, help me lower this screen. You're a big, tall man. You'd be hilarious trying to do it, like a little boy. Just let go of his balloon.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50104

Dwight

I'll do it! I always say, 'You want something done right? Ask Dwight.' Right? Dwight. Right? Dwight. Right Dwight, right Dwight. Sorry, now you'll never be able to get that out of your head.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50105

Todd Packer

I can do it.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50106

Dwight

Mmm! There we go.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50107

Dwight

Yes, a complete inability to pass gas, pervert. Ugh, yeah, it's tender. It can't be appendicitis, I eat more than enough bacon. Okay, what poison mimics the symptoms of appendicitis? Oh, you don't know? Hold on. What kind of poison did you use?

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50108

Jim

Dwight, I didn't poison you. I was kidding.

Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50109

"Tallahassee" Quotes