Every line from The Office season 8, episode 13, in script order. First aired February 2, 2012.
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Andy
No, not after what I told Dwight about firing you. No. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to have ourselves a good old-fashioned cover-up. Have you ever heard of a Connecticut cover-up?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49448
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Jim
No.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49449
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Andy
Do you know why you never heard of it?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49450
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Jim
No.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49451
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Andy
Covered it up.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49452
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Jim
Are you sure you can keep this under wraps?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49453
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Andy
They used to call me King Tut because I'm so good at keeping things under wraps.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49454
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Andy
My nickname was actually King Butt, because I had a king-size butt.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49455
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Ernesto
Where you want I park?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49456
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Dwight
Okay, everybody, gather 'round. Got a real special surprise for you.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49457
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Toby
Ernesto!
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49458
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Ernesto
Hola Toby!
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49459
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Toby
Yeah, hey.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49460
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Ernesto
Como esta?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49461
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Nate
Uh, I'm going to say 'I' when I'm talking for Ernesto, so instead of 'he says blah, blah, blah,' I'm going to say 'I say, blah, blah, blah,' but that's for him. Anyway, it was something like, 'He remembers Toby.' 'I remember Toby.'
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49462
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Dwight
Okay- oh, Jim. Hey, this guy look familiar?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49463
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Jim
Uh-
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49464
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Toby
It's the empanada guy.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49465
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Jim
The empanada guy!
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49466
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Dwight
No, Toby! Damn it, Toby! No, I wasn't asking you. Ask him if he remembers Jim.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49467
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Ernesto
No.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49468
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Nate
He says, 'No.'
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49469
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Dwight
He says, 'No!' Boom!
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49470
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Andy
Yeah but who remembers all their customers? I mean, I can name like three of our clients.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49471
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Dwight
Okay, he remembers Toby, the most forgettable man in the known world.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49472
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Nate
Ah, he doesn't want any trouble, he sees lots of people, they come from all around to eat his delicious meat pockets.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49473
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Jim
Uh, you guys are going to love these. So, empanadas on me. You guys gotta try them.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49474
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Creed
Usually I'm a burrito guy, but if you won't tell, I won't. Wink, wink.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49475
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Dwight
Great. And while we're enjoying these delicious empanadas, Jim, why don't you tell us your story again?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49476
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Andy
Why? Everybody's heard it.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49477
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Dwight
Walk us through it. What time would you get there every morning?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49478
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Andy
Hey, Murder She Wrote. How about we drop the whole 'Murder, She Wrote' thing, okay? Jim was at the courthouse for jury duty every morning. How do I know? Because I drove him there.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49479
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Phyllis
Why?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49480
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Andy
Why? Why?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49481
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Jim
Because my car broke down.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49482
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Andy
His car broke down. So he called me, 'cause I live near the courthouse.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49483
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Dwight
Wait, wait. You live by the courthouse. So you drove from near the courthouse, out to Jim's house, and then back to the courthouse?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49484
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Andy
Thirty minutes out, thirty minutes back, easy hour. And I would watch that cute little tushie scurry up those courthouse stairs every morning and that was that.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49485
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Phyllis
I'm sorry, do you have any American Mexican food?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49486
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Andy
We're getting buried out there. What was that stuff about the car breaking down?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49487
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Jim
Well, I think you handled it pretty well.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49488
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Andy
I'm not Rumpelstiltskin, Jim. I can't keep spinning gold out of your.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49489
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Jim
Okay, listen, all right? Dwight's on to us, he's going to figure it out really soon, so let's just get ahead of it, let's tell the truth.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49490
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Andy
I don't even know what the truth is anymore.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49491
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Oscar
Wow, it's so... healthy.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49492
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Kevin
I'm going to call him Little Kevin.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49493
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Angela
No, you will not.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49494
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Erin
Is he really five pounds?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49495
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Angela
Mm-hmm.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49496
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Erin
Because I squat with five pounds. This- yeah, this feels like more than that.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49497
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Senator Lipton
No, no, no, he's nine pounds, seven ounces.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49498
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Angela
Nine pounds? Really? I thought you said five. You know what? I was under so many drugs, I felt like I was at a James Taylor concert or something, oh. So, what did you bring?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49499
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Oscar
Oh yeah, I don't know if it's right, but-
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49500
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Senator Lipton
Well, if it's anything like that gorgeous wrapping paper, you hit it out of the park.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49501
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Angela
Aw, preemie pajamas!
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49502
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Oscar
Again, it may not be the right size. I can return-
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49503
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Angela
No, I think he came early just so he could wear these. Thank you.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49504
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Kevin
I got Little Kevin Call of Duty.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49505
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Oscar
This baby is clearly not premature. They're lying about the date it was conceived. It's very interesting. And her husband's gay. I don't even know which thread to follow.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49506
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Jim
Uh, excuse me, can I have everyone's attention for a second? First off, I just want to say that I'm really sorry, I didn't know that my absence last week would have been a burden on any of you, because, though I did have jury duty last week, they did dismiss me early on Monday. And I think you're going to find this pretty hilarious. I kind of, uh, well, maybe took the week off.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49507
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Stanley
What?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49508
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Jim
Funny? No? Nobody laughing?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49509
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Dwight
You're screwed! Oh, it's happening. It's really happening.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49510
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Stanley
What the hell, Jim? I covered for your bony butt.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49511
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Jim
Pam really needed some help with the kids, so, I promise my intentions were good.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49512
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Dwight
Your clients. They're all mine.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49513
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Darryl
Jim, I got my ass chewed out because one of your orders got messed up. And Andy, you said you drove him to the courthouse.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49514
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Andy
Uh, I did, every morning. And if I didn't, then I hope I die.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49515
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Dwight
All right, well. Let's get this show on the road, shall we? Allow me to give you a hand. Here we are. So long, clump-mate. I'm going to miss you. Truth be told, I never thought that this was how it was going to end. I always thought that I was going to defeat you somehow. But you've defeated yourself.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49516
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Andy
Dwight, cut it out. I'm not firing Jim.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49517
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Dwight
No, no, no. You said- you said that you were-
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49518
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Andy
I know what I said. Jim, you're in deep doo-doo. Do you understand? I have one thing to say to you, and I'm going to say it in front of this whole office. Look me in the eye.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49519
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Dwight
That's it? This is crap!
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49520
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Gabe
You've reached Gabe Lewis, I'm currently indisposed. Leave me a message. Ciao.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49521
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Dwight
Gabe, it's Dwight again. Highest priority, triple-urgent. Call me. Immediately. That means ASAP.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49522
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Dwight
I'm gonna find Gabe, tell him what Jim did and let the little stickler do what he does best: stickle.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49523
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Angela
Shh.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49524
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Oscar
Honestly, I can return this for a larger size.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49525
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Angela
It's fine. Pajamas aren't supposed to be baggy, right? It's not the barrio.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49526
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Oscar
The only premature baby in this room is the baby this baby ate.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49527
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Angela
Ah!
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49528
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Kevin
Little Kevin.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49529
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Angela
Really?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49530
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Oscar
Angela.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49531
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Angela
Fine, God. Philip was conceived nine months ago.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49532
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Oscar
I knew that, I knew it.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49533
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Angela
The senator and I wanted to wait, but we had just seen Thor and there was way too much wine in my chicken piccata.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49534
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Oscar
Chicken marsala.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49535
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Angela
Right. Um, point is, Philip was conceived out of wedlock.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49536
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Oscar
Mm-hmm.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49537
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Angela
And now you all know, but you can never tell. I'm serious.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49538
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Oscar
Dwight. Hey.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49539
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Dwight
Oh, hey. Have you seen Gabe?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49540
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Oscar
He went to the car or something, but he'll be back.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49541
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Dwight
Okay.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49542
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Oscar
Don't you want to see the baby?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49543
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Dwight
Psh! Why? I know what Angela and the senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49544
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Oscar
I promised I wouldn't tell.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49545
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Dwight
So don't.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49546
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Oscar
Angela got pregnant before the wedding.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49547