Every line from The Office season 8, episode 13, in script order. First aired February 2, 2012.
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Andy
Val, I need the space.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49348
-
Val
All right guys, clear out.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49349
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Andy
Everybody out.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49350
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Val
Promise me you're going to clean up.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49351
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Andy
I can't promise what I'm going to do or not do.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49352
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Val
Promise me that-
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49353
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Andy
Obviously I'm going to clean up.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49354
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Andy
Stress is like the uptight mayor or a town who's saying, 'Hey, we're uptight, you can't dance,' and then you have to be like, 'Oh yeah, Mayor Stress? Well watch this!' And then... we dance. Oh how we dance. Sex also works.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49355
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Erin
Hey! Jim's back from jury duty.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49356
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Andy
Hey! Tuna! He's back.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49357
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Jim
Hey.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49358
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Andy
Oh, look at this. Tuna wrap.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49359
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Jim
Okay.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49360
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Andy
Hand roll.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49361
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Jim
Yeah.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49362
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Phyllis
How was jury duty?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49363
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Jim
It was pretty uneventful, actually.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49364
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Dwight
Can't believe they let someone like you serve on a jury. Makes me question the whole judicial system.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49365
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Erin
What was the case?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49366
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Jim
Uh, hit and run.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49367
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Erin
Ooh, 'the case of the hit and run,' that's exciting.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49368
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Phyllis
Did you send him to the slammer?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49369
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Jim
Nope. Not guilty.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49370
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Dwight
Of course you found him not guilty. 'Oh, he apologized and I just really want him to like me, mm.'
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49371
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Jim
We're best friends, actually. We're going wine-tasting next weekend, if you want to come.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49372
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Dwight
Not coming, have plans.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49373
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Jim
Okay.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49374
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Jim
I did get called in to jury duty. And they released me around noon, so, didn't think it was worth it to come back to work for a half day. And then the next morning Pam was a little overwhelmed with the kids so I took an extra day to help out. And then three other days happened.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49375
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Erin
Ah! Angela had the baby!
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49376
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Kevin
Is it black? 'Cause that would be hilarious.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49377
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Darryl
Why?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49378
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Kevin
You know.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49379
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Darryl
Would it be more hilarious than Angela having a Chinese baby?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49380
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Kevin
A little bit, yeah. Right guys? Back me up.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49381
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Ryan
Eh, a little bit.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49382
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Kevin
Oh, did I win the pool?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49383
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Erin
Ah, no. Right month, wrong year.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49384
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Oscar
Well no one won the pool. Angela wasn't due for another month.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49385
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Erin
We should all go to the hospital and visit her.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49386
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Phyllis
Oh, I'd love to but, um-
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49387
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Jim
Aw man, I would but I can't miss any more work.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49388
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Oscar
Well Kevin and I have to go, Accounting is its own little family.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49389
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Kevin
Yeah, Oscar's the dad, I'm Oscar's dad and Angela's my mom.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49390
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Gabe
Everyone, our very own Angela-
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49391
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Oscar
We all got the email, some of us are going to go visit.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49392
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Gabe
Oh, I am so in.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49393
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Gabe
I love maternity wards. It's the perfect blend of love and horror. Things can go so wrong or so right.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49394
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Andy
Come on, Judge Judy, tell us your case. What were the deets?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49395
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Jim
Mine was actually a pretty boring case, so-
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49396
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Meredith
How could it be boring? You were there for five days. Titillate us.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49397
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Stanley
Yeah, you owe us. I had to stay until six twice to cover for you. My wife got to the TV first, had to sit through damn Rizzoli and damn Isles.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49398
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Phyllis
Yeah, my car got smashed visiting one of your clients and I had to have it detailed and they took my meter change.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49399
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Jim
Wow, I'm really sorry.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49400
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Phyllis
Yeah.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49401
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Jim
I never considered that my week off would make everyone else's job harder. The least I could do is give them a good story.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49402
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Jim
So Phyllis, he was here, and then the car came and did- he was like that. Yeah, so it had to be a double backflip, actually.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49403
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Toby
You know, when I was on j-duty, uh, Strangler case, we used to recreate the various stranglings with empanadas from- at Ernesto's.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49404
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Jim
Oh man, Ernesto's. That was our favorite restaurant too.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49405
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Toby
You mean food truck. Ernesto's was a food truck.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49406
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Meredith
Toby, shut your hole about the empanadas. Nobody cares about the empanadas.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49407
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Dwight
I was in Los Angeles last year. Jim tricked me into thinking I'd won a walk-on part on NCIS, but that's not important. While I was being kicked off the lot, I saw food trucks everywhere. Everyone in Los Angeles eats from them. And nobody calls them restaurants.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49408
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Oscar
Guys, I don't know how many of you have seen- Gabe? Bring it in. I don't know how many of you have seen a premature baby before. It's going to be really tiny, so please don't say anything offensive.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49409
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Kevin
Got that, bimbo?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49410
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Erin
Got it, bimbo.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49411
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Angela
Yes?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49412
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Oscar
Knock, knock. Oh!
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49413
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Kevin
Hi!
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49414
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Angela
Oh... I don't- I don't want any- what are you guys doing here?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49415
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Oscar
We wanted to say hi to the newest little Dunder Mifflinite.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49416
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Senator Lipton
Well, meet our not-so-little bundle of joy, Philip Halsted Lipton.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49417
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Kevin
Phillip is so fat.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49418
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Oscar
Kevin!
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49419
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Kevin
You warned me not to say anything if it was tiny, Oscar. But you didn't prepare me for a big, giant, fat baby.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49420
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Angela
Hey.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49421
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Senator Lipton
Yes, he's substantial.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49422
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Erin
He's more than substantial. He's a monster.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49423
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Dwight
So this whole hit and run thing, there's just one part I can't figure out. You said it was at a four-way stop...
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49424
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Jim
Mm-hmm.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49425
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Dwight
And the victim rode his bicycle into the left hand turn lane but the perp was already in the left-hand turn lane?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49426
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Jim
Mm-hmm.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49427
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Dwight
See, that's what I'm having trouble with, because the fact is, you never said he was on a bicycle. Busted, Halpert!
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49428
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Jim
Okay, wait, wait.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49429
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Dwight
Yes! Andy, get out here.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49430
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Jim
No. I never said he was on a bicycle. I just said I wasn't listening to you.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49431
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Dwight
I am making a citizen's arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to beg for mercy. You have the right to request judgment by combat. Dwight's rights.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49432
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Andy
What's up, gangstas?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49433
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Dwight
Jim was lying about jury duty. He was lying the whole time so he could go do yoga or go canoeing. I don't know what this pervert likes. Fire him!
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49434
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Andy
Dwight, not everything is a conspiracy theory.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49435
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Dwight
I have Jim on the record saying that the vic-
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49436
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Andy
No. Dwight! I have me on the record, saying to you, take a chill pill.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49437
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Dwight
I don't- I don't need to take a chill pill.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49438
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Andy
Here, right there. Down the hatch.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49439
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Dwight
I really don't want to take the chill pill.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49440
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Andy
Attaboy. Good. Now, chill.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49441
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Dwight
Okay, okay. But let's just say that Jim was lying about jury duty. You would have to fire him, right?
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49442
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Andy
Yeah, sure, of course. I'd fire him to Timbuktu.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49443
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Dwight
That's good enough for me.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49444
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Jim
...and Pam was just going crazy, trying to take care of Philip because Cece has been out of control recently, and- look, Andy, it doesn't matter. The truth is, I just feel terrible lying to you.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49445
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Andy
I feel terrible getting lied to. No one's ever lied to me before.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49446
-
Jim
Okay. I think the best thing to do right now is just come clean and tell everybody the truth.
Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49447