Every line from The Office season 6, episode 5, in script order. First aired October 15, 2009.
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Michael
The fundamentals of business. The funda-mentals of business. 'Mental' is part of the word, I have underlined it. Because you're mental, if you don't have a good time. You have to enjoy it.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32239
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Toby
Well the 'fun' is in it.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32240
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Michael
Get out.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32241
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Toby
Yeah, I know.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32242
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Michael
Yes. So, it all starts with a handshake. But you can't just go right to the selling, you need 'small talk.' What topics can you use for small talk?
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32243
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Andy
Golf.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32244
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Michael
Mmhm.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32245
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Andy
Stock market.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32246
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Michael
Mmhm.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32247
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Andy
Dave Matthews.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32248
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Michael
Yes, what else?
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32249
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Creed
Uh, small things. Peas, ball bearings, dimes...
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32250
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Michael
No.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32251
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Meredith
The weekend!
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32252
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Michael
Yeah! That's good! Come on up! Meredith, come up here. Let's do a little something. So Meredith and I have just started conversing and I will say, 'So Meredith, how was your weekend, what did you do?'
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32253
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Meredith
Well I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32254
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Michael
All right...
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32255
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Meredith
He calls it an upper decker.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32256
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Michael
Okay, okay. God. What you people don't know about business, I could fill a book with.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32257
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Ryan
Then do it.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32258
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Michael
What?
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32259
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Ryan
Write a book.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32260
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Michael
The fundamentals of business by Michael Scott. Over one billion sold. More than the Bible, I'm not surprised. Chapter one. The businessman...
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32261
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Erin
Mr. Grotti, this is Michael Scott. He's the person you should talk to.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32262
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Michael
Oh hi. I'm sorry, just a sec. Erin, you're supposed to be the gatekeeper, do you have any idea how valuable my time is?
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32263
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Erin
In your schedule it just says nine til noon is 'creative space' and I thought this could be part of that.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32264
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Michael
Do you know how creative space works? Okay I just cancelled my afternoon.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32265
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Erin
You don't have anything in the afternoon. It just says 'free play.'
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32266
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Michael
Push free play til tomorrow morning. Hi. Sorry. Crazy day. You're seeing how the sausage gets made.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32267
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Grotti
Ah.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32268
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Michael
Come in the conference room and I will show you a finished sausage.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32269
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Grotti
As a manager of business, you have a lot of pride.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32270
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Michael
Mmhm.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32271
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Grotti
But you also got a lot of responsibility
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32272
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Michael
Yep.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32273
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Grotti
None greater perhaps, than your need to be sure, that your small or large business is secure in the event of a covered loss.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32274
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Michael
Okay.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32275
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Michael
There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman, than having to listen to a bad salesman. It's like a great basketball player having to listen to a bad basketball player.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32276
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Kevin
Jim's gone on his honeymoon. So I started borrowing his office to fart in. Then one day I came in and I just stayed. Cause this place is awesome. It feels like home now. Even better than my home. My home sucks.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32277
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Andy
What do you think?
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32278
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Dwight
I think you're right. It definitely looks suspicious. And his southern Italian heritage raises some flags.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32279
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Grotti
God forbid you... should have a fire in the warehouse.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32280
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Michael
Oh yup. Yeah, definitely. All that paper burning up.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32281
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Grotti
Yeah, and a truck, goes off the side of the road, there's injury.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32282
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Michael
Mmhm, I hear you. The truck.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32283
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Grotti
You will be hearing from me Mr. Scott.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32284
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Michael
Okay, well.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32285
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Grotti
I can be very very persistent.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32286
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Michael
Do your worst.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32287
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Michael
Oh, great.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32288
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Grotti
Would you look at that people? What an unpredictable world we live in, huh?
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32289
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Michael
Mmhm.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32290
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Andy
What happened in there?
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32291
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Michael
Nothing, other than once again, I am just thankful that I am a paper salesman.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32292
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Dwight
Did he threaten you?
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32293
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Michael
No Dwight, not everything is a threat.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32294
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Andy
Mobsters are!
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32295
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Michael
There is no such things as monsters.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32296
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Andy
He drives an SUV!
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32297
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Dwight
I knew it! More trunk space. Or should I say, corpse space.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32298
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Oscar
Hey guys, I drive a SUV, does that mean I'm in the mob?
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32299
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Dwight
No, not that, by itself. But look at all the facts. He seems like a mobster.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32300
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Michael
Wait, when did we start talking about the mob? The guy was trying to sell me insurance.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32301
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Andy
All mobsters have a front, sometimes it's selling insurance, sometimes it's waste management or sanitation.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32302
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Oscar
For the record, not all Italian-Americans are in the Mafia.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32303
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Michael
I think, he just seemed like he was just trying to sell me insurance.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32304
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Andy
Yeah, buy my insurance or I'll burn your warehouse down!
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32305
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Dwight
Exactly.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32306
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Michael
He did talk about a fire in the warehouse... and he also vaguely threatened me with testicular cancer.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32307
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Oscar
Uhh. All right, who else is here?
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32308
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Oscar
Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon. So there's not the usual balance between 'sane and others.' Toby has mentally checked out since June. It's a very dangerous time. The 'coalition for reason' is extremely weak.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32309
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Toby
Oscar says I checked out huh? Huh.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32310
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Michael
Hey, hey hey, calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Ryan, you lived in New York, what do you think?
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32311
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Ryan
Well first of all, there is no such thing as 'The Mafia.'
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32312
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Michael
Okay.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32313
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Ryan
What you have are specific families. What's the guy's last name?
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32314
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Michael
Um it is, Grotti.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32315
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Andy and Dwight
Oh no. Fabulous.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32316
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Oscar
What? What?
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32317
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Andy
It's John Gotti, you idiot!
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32318
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Oscar
It's, it's a completely different name!
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32319
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Phyllis
So he won't get caught!
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32320
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Andy
Yeah. It's pretty close.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32321
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Oscar
No, what are you talking about, what mobster would change his name from Gotti to Grotti. It weakens it.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32322
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Dwight
No I disagree. 'R' is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it 'murder.' And not 'muck-duck.'
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32323
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Michael
Okay too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32324
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Dwight
Lock your door!
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32325
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Michael
I'm not gonna lock my door.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32326
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Jim
Hello?
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32327
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Oscar
Jim? It's Oscar. I'm so sorry to be calling you on your honeymoon.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32328
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Jim
Oscar! Uh, what is going on?
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32329
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Oscar
It's Michael, he thinks he's being shaken down by the mob. I don't know how you usually handle this.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32330
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Jim
Look, We're in Puerto Rico, so-
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32331
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Pam
Hey Oscar. It's Pam. Hey. We're on our honeymoon.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32332
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Oscar
Pam, I'm sorry--
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32333
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Pam
Unless someone very close to us is in immediate physical danger, you should not be calling us.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32334
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Oscar
You're right. You're right. Oh, okay bye.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32335
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Michael
It's Grotti. He's following up.
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32336
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Andy
Already? This, this guy is persistent!
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32337
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Michael
'I feel that you will regret missing this great opportunity to be in business.'
Season 6 · Episode 5 · Line 32338