Michael

There is nothing wrong, nor will there ever be wrong with any Sabre printers. Case closed. Michael Scott, as seen on TV.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38169

Todd Packer

I saw you on the news and I want to pinch your tiny wiener... It's Packer!

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38170

Michael

OH! Pack Man, I thought you were a girl!

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38171

Michael

Apparently, there are allegations that Sabre printers can cause a fire. So they asked me to give a statement to the press. I'm like, what? All right. So I do it. It's on TV last night. And it's in the paper today. And it's online. And then I call Froggy 98.7, the request line. I talk to the host about it on the air. It's like, come on, people, enough.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38172

Michael

Everybody, we are at DEFCON 5. I am officially the second-most watched clip of the day on the WBRE news site.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38173

Oscar

What's number one?

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38174

Michael

Oh, that teacher who was wrongfully accused of being a pedophile. Now, we cannot let the pedophile win again! I would like you all to go to the website and watch my clip eleven times.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38175

Jim

So instead of working, you want...

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38176

Michael

Yes.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38177

Jim

Okay.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38178

Michael

Yes. Come on! Get it up! That's what... let's do it!

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38179

Angela

Oh, did you see this report that the zoo got a baby otter? It's on the same site!

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38180

Phyllis

Awww, it's kissing its mommy!

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38181

Michael

Please.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38182

Dwight

Michael, you have to see, this is like, the cutest thing ever.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38183

Michael

Really? A baby otter? Okay, um, count me in as who cares. It's not even that interesting a baby otter, it can't even stand up. It's trying to stand up... there it goes.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38184

Jo Bennett

Howdy. I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38185

Michael

Jo! We were not expecting you!

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38186

Jo Bennett

Course you all, no doubt, know why I'm here.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38187

Kevin

No.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38188

Jo Bennett

Turns out our printers are famous. They're all over the news. It's an interesting story. Cheap foreign printers attacking innocent Americans. Well, actually the, the real story isn't quite as racy, but uh... let's give it a go.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38189

Kevin

Jo, I think that I know what happened.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38190

Jo Bennett

I'm not sure you do, teddy bear.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38191

Kevin

Well, now I think I might not.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38192

Jo Bennett

Not long ago, we discovered a defect in one of our printers, so we got a software patch and fixed it right up, just like that. I don't know how it works. But just as we were about to send out a letter to our affected customers, giving 'em free toner, and we keep 'em, happy, but somebody here, they liked that first story better. The one where we lose half our clients for no damn good reason! Whoever it was who talked to the press, they should come forward, please.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38193

Michael

Jo, Jo, I can assure you it was no one in this office.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38194

Jo Bennett

Can you now?

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38195

Michael

Absolutely. Anyone who talked to the press, please raise your hand.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38196

Phyllis

Put your hand up, Norma Rae.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38197

Andy

If you say anything, so help me God, I'll break off the temples of your glasses and stick them in your eye sockets.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38198

Andy

So unfair. Even if I thought that our printers killed baby seals, I would not be a whistleblower. The Bernards, for generations, have silenced whistleblowers. It's how we made all our money. Woody Guthrie wrote a song about us. Old Mr. Bernard, old Mr. Bernard, who have you silenced today?

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38199

Jo Bennett

It's a little form, says 'I did not do it.'

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38200

Michael

There is no reason for anyone here to sign this, because I know everything there is to know about these people. I know when their birthdays are, I know what their favorite kind of cake is, I know what color streamers they like...

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38201

Jo Bennett

All that's just birthday information, Michael.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38202

Michael

Yes, yes, but it shows a bigger picture.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38203

Jo Bennett

Why don't you come with me? We'll start out with the honcho, what'cha say?

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38204

Michael

Okay.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38205

Jo Bennett

When Mama was working as a prison guard and something went missing, she'd ask one question: What do we do when we find the guilty party? And if they said, 'Come down on him with that swift hammer of justice!', innocent. A clear conscience don't need no mercy. But if they said 'Officer Bessie, well they may have had a reason, blah blah blah blah', well nine times out of ten, that's the anus they'd check.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38206

Jo Bennett

So say we catch this whistleblower, what do you think I should do with him?

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38207

Michael

We should give him a one-way ticket to Montego Bay, where they keep all the al-Qaeda.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38208

Jo Bennett

Uh, that's, uh, Guantanamo Bay.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38209

Michael

Yes. You put them in jail for a long time, you put them in jail for as long as you can.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38210

Jo Bennett

Well, I guess we're all right, Michael.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38211

Michael

I want these people to really pay, I want them to suffer. I'd prefer it if they died, 'cause it's not right.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38212

Jo Bennett

Yeah.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38213

Michael

Okay.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38214

Nick

Hey Dwight.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38215

Dwight

Hey, IT guy.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38216

Nick

Mind if I get in there for a second?

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38217

Dwight

Oh, sure thing, go ahead.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38218

Nick

Just one... Gah! Ah! Dwight, what the hell?

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38219

Dwight

Apache persuasion hold, that's the hell! What are you doing to my computer?

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38220

Oscar

The lawyers are searching our hard drives for information on the leak. Thanks a lot, Big Brother.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38221

Dwight

You're with Big Brother? Okay, go ahead. I got nothing to hide.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38222

Kevin

Wait, are they searching all our computers?

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38223

Nick

Yeah. I already got to yours, Kevin.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38224

Kevin

No, that's cool. Sometimes... sometimes I run. I'm a runner.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38225

Angela

Everybody knows it was Andy, and it is not fair for us all to take the fall for his big stupid mouth!

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38226

Michael

Ridiculous, Angela. And like I'm going to believe one of his spermed lovers.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38227

Phyllis

Look, he's been complaining about this for a while, it's not crazy.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38228

Jo Bennett

Okay Dwight.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38229

Dwight

Hold that thought. I don't want to waste your time, and I wouldn't dare waste mine. I didn't do it. Now, I don't know exactly who did it, but I have a list right here... You should fire the following people.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38230

Jo Bennett

Well, I'm inclined to believe you.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38231

Dwight

Why would I disparage a company that has made me rich beyond my wildest dreams?

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38232

Jo Bennett

Yeah, I noticed you've had a great year. Good boy... you turning that money into more money?

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38233

Dwight

Are you referring to alchemy?

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38234

Jo Bennett

I don't like to tell a man what to do with his money, but if you ain't investing in property, then you're dumber than a dummy.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38235

Dwight

I'm not dumb. I'm smart.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38236

Jo Bennett

Well, buy property. That's my advice.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38237

Michael

Is there something that you would like to say to me?

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38238

Andy

Uh...

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38239

Michael

About talking to the press?

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38240

Andy

I, I didn't know. I didn't do that!

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38241

Michael

Mmhmm.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38242

Andy

Okay? I, I... didn't do it.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38243

Michael

I don't believe you.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38244

Andy

I swear on the graves of my parents who aren't even dead yet.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38245

Michael

That's a little much. All right, all right, all right.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38246

Andy

I don't care, that's how much I swear!

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38247

Michael

Okay, I believe you, I believe you.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38248

Andy

I don't know who's giving Darryl any crap. He was more bothered about it than me.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38249

Michael

Did you tell anyone outside of this office that the printers were catching on fire?

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38250

Darryl

Yeah, I did. I, I was talking to this girl at a bar.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38251

Michael

Oh, no, no, no...

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38252

Darryl

I think she could... sense my sadness, and I, and I found out too late that she... she's the copy editor at the Trib.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38253

Michael

Oh my god. Was she cute?

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38254

Darryl

No.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38255

Michael

Oh, god, Darryl!

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38256

Michael

I basically swore up and down that none of my employees did it, and then I find out that one of my best ones did. And now he's probably going to get fired for it. And if that is not poetic justice, I don't know what is.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38257

Jo Bennett

Sounds like you were as blindsided by this as I was.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38258

Toby

Well, that's...

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38259

Jo Bennett

And we didn't find anything on your computer.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38260

Toby

Good.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38261

Jo Bennett

Except this.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38262

Toby

Oh, wow, this is, uh, just a mystery novel that I've been working on.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38263

Jo Bennett

I know what it is. I skimmed the first chapter. I'm just curious, why would a man who hates people want to have a relationship with a maid?

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38264

Toby

Oh, uh, I don't know, uh...

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38265

Jo Bennett

The way I look at it, there's only one of two reasons. He knows a secret about her that she doesn't know herself, or he wants to use her services to mop up after a murder.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38266

Toby

Oh... yes.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38267

Toby

Write your own damn novel.

Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38268

"Whistleblower" Quotes