Every line from The Office season 6, episode 23, in script order. First aired May 13, 2010.
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Michael
Since when is this an office where we delve into each other's personal lives?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37943
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Michael
I like Donna. Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband... or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37944
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Meredith
That is something I would never do.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37945
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Michael
Well, I think we all know what you're capable of Meredith.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37946
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Meredith
Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on, or been used to cheat with.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37947
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Meredith
I ask... everyone in the room, 'Are you in a relationship?'.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37948
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Michael
People, this is Scranton. And many people consider that to be the Paris of northeastern Pennsylvania. And in Paris, it is rude for a woman to have less than four lovers.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37949
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Kelly
Eughh, Ryan, I do not want you hanging around Michael anymore.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37950
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Ryan
Okay.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37951
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Michael
I will have you know that I asked Donna about this and she is fine with it. And just to be sure, I asked her again afterward. Same answer.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37952
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Andy
How does he feel about it?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37953
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Michael
He is never gonna find out. He is a high school baseball coach. He wakes up early. He goes to bed early. Look at how long it took for him to find out. It was right under his nose. I had to tell him.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37954
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Jim
Now you're just being hurtful.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37955
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Michael
I'm sorry, it... why is it okay for Stanley to cheat or for Phyllis to cheat...
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37956
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Phyllis
Hey!
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37957
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Michael
On her diet! He's a sports guy. He's scummy. Dogfighting. Drugs. They spit.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37958
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Andy
Did Donna tell you that?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37959
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Michael
Real sports with Bryant Gumble.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37960
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Andy
So you're just making a giant assumption. You don't even know the guy.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37961
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Michael
You know what? You know what? I am declaring a moment of silence right now. Ten minutes of silence honoring Michael Jackson. just sit there and think about Michael jackson.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37962
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Andy
My name is Andy Bernard and I am a cuckold. For those of you unfamiliar with William Shakespeare, a cuckold is a man whose woman is cheating on him. I've lived the part. And let me tell you, I'd so much rather play the part on stage.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37963
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Andy
So... here's the thing about infidelity.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37964
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Michael
Mm, no, when are you people going to stop casting the first stone? I am not in the wrong here. I am the good guy.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37965
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Andy
How does that work?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37966
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Michael
Do you think this husband is a super sweet nice guy? Do you think he's an angel? I don't think so. Why is his wife going off and having a little something-something with me? There has to be a problem with him.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37967
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Andy
In any cheating movie, the person getting cheated on is the hero. You're Ali Larter, I'm Beyonce.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37968
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Michael
I am Beyonce always.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37969
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Andy
Not this time.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37970
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Michael
Yes, I am.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37971
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Andy
This guy's a high school baseball coach, right? Let's go check him out, see what a horrible person he is.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37972
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Michael
I would love that.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37973
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Andy
Yeah. Those teams have games and practices every day. Let's go check it out.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37974
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Michael
I have work to do.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37975
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Andy
Oh, really? I thought you were the boss.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37976
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Michael
Let's go. I can't wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. I should punch him in the nose for what he's making me do to her.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37977
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Andy
Bum bum BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM bum bum
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37978
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Michael
All right, Andy, please.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37979
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Andy
Baseball!
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37980
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Michael
Shh! Try not to draw attention, please. That's him. That's him.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37981
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Andy
Where?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37982
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Michael
Right there. The coach!
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37983
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Andy
Stage right or stage left? I played batboy in damn yankees!
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37984
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Michael
Right there. Look, look. Follow my finger. Okay? see? The grownup by the base?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37985
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Andy
And Now, coaching third base with two arms, two legs, and no heart. Capable of feeling pain.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37986
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Michael
All right. Can you just-- can you just act normal for a second, please?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37987
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Andy
Whatever. I'm the one blending in.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37988
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Gabe
Guys?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37989
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Jim
Pam.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37990
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Pam
Mm. Hey. Oh, hi, Gabe.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37991
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Gabe
Can you two please join me in my office? Now.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37992
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Pam
You were supposed to be the Lookout.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37993
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Jim
Yeah, well it's really warm in here. It's like a sleeping bag.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37994
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Gabe
I don't wanna be the heavy here, but honestly, guys, this makes us all look bad.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37995
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Jim
Sorry about that.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37996
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Pam
So embarrassing.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37997
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Gabe
Good. Okay. End of the dressing down. I just hate that part of the job, you know, the power dynamics.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37998
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Jim
Well, you were surprisingly restrained.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37999
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Pam
We will be well-rested tomorrow.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38000
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Gabe
Okay. That's great, actually, because I wanted to talk to you about something else.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38001
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Jim
Excellent. Go for it.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38002
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Gabe
I'm sure you got my email about the printer fires. The one with the branching decision tree? I actually designed that chart. Kinda hoping it catches on. Anyway, the question is, what is the best way to disseminate important information in an efficient way?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38003
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Jim
Right? So, uh, let's uh...
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38004
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Lawyer
Finally there's a provision here in the occurrence that the child is born an old man, a la Benjamin Button.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38005
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Angela
Same page. Go to the next one.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38006
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Dwight
Same page. Just keep moving.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38007
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Lawyer
Despite the provision covering whether this is all part of the matrix--
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38008
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Dwight
Which we can't know.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38009
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Lawyer
This is essentially...
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38010
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Dwight
Unless we're unplugged.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38011
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Lawyer
Equivalent to a donor or surrogate contractor.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38012
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Dwight
And wake up in the future.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38013
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Lawyer
Which is actually pretty common. So I have to tell you that this is a solid contract.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38014
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Dwight
What?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38015
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Lawyer
Look, I can't enforce that anybody have a child with anyone else.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38016
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Angela
What?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38017
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Lawyer
So essentially, this comes down to damages. Now, there is some precedence for the range of $30,000.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38018
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Dwight
What?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38019
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Dwight
I don't have $30,000 lying around. I have it buried very deeply, and I don't want to dig past a certain someone to get it.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38020
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Andy
Chase Dixon is up. Could be a big play.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38021
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Michael
You have no idea what you're talking about.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38022
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Andy
I know it's like cricket.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38023
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Michael
You don't. No, no.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38024
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Andy
And it's--there's-- well, home plate is like a wicket.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38025
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Michael
You don't know. You don't-- you don't know anything. Look at him. Look at him over there. High-fiving? He didn't even do anything. Kid did all the work. I bet he does that at home. I bet it's like, 'Hey, Donna, why don't you wash the dishes?' 'High-five, Donna.' 'Hey, why don't you bring me my slippers?' 'Hi-five. I'm taking all the credit.'
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38026
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Andy
Seems pretty well liked by the team.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38027
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Michael
Okay, well, that's because he's paying their salary.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38028
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Andy
You do know that high school coaches don't pay their players.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38029
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Michael
I know, I know, I know. It--I'm--it-- that was a euphemism.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38030
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Dwight
$30,000? There's gotta be another way.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38031
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Angela
He has a 60-acre beet farm that is worth a small fortune.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38032
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Dwight
Look, I will not pay.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38033
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Angela
Well, I have an alternative.[hands Dwight a document]
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38034
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Dwight
Intercourse to completion. Five individual times rendered at my discretion?'
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38035
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Lawyer
Look, I don't think that's actually legal.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38036
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Dwight
Agreed.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38037
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Dwight
Five times for $30,000? Not a bad stud fee. Better than most horses.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38038
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Dwight
But not in your bed. It's lumpy.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38039
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Angela
Those lumps are cats, and those cats have names, and those names are Ember, Milky Way, Diane, and Lumpy.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38040
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Dwight
Fine. Five times.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38041
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Lawyer
Look, I can't legally watch this unfold. It's coming a little dangerously close to prostitution.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38042