Every line from The Office season 6, episode 23, in script order. First aired May 13, 2010.
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Toby
This here is a radon test kit. Okay I will be putting 'em everywhere. And... please don't throw these out. This is a radon test kit. Please don't throw these out. See them all over the office.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37843
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Michael
Toby has been leaving radon kits everywhere, like he owns the place. The first time I threw mine away, I thought it was an ant trap. But I figured I'd rather live with ants than with his creepy little disc. The second time... I thought it was one of those, you know, those things you turn over and it moos. Like a cow thing. But upon closer examination, it was another ant trap, so I threw it away. And the third time... I did it out of spite.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37844
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Michael
Pfffffttt.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37845
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Toby
Come on, Michael. You're interrupting.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37846
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Michael
You're kidding me? God! You say radon is silent, but deadly, and then you expect me not to make farting noises with my mouth? What is this?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37847
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Toby
Please sit down.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37848
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Michael
You know what? We're not gonna die of radon, we're gonna die of boredom.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37849
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Everyone
YEAH!
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37850
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Michael
Right? And if I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37851
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Everyone
No. No!
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37852
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Jim
That's... not okay.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37853
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Michael
Okay, alright.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37854
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Dwight
You were being really funny, and then you went too far.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37855
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Michael
I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37856
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Dwight
No, hmmm... that's still...
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37857
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Everyone
Mm-mm.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37858
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Michael
Okay geniuses, how would you do it?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37859
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Creed
Curve the bullet. Like in my favorite James McAvoy film, Wanted.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37860
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Oscar
All that does is help you shoot around things. What does Bin Laden...
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37861
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Ryan
Is there a curtain rod in the room?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37862
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Michael
I don't know.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37863
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Stanley
How about make-believe land has anything you want?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37864
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Jim
Stanley, please, this is serious!
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37865
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Angela
Is this the thing where they use an icicle so there's no evidence?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37866
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Michael
Yes, we stab Toby through the heart with an icicle.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37867
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Dwight
Come on, the whole two bullet thing is a red herring. Here's how you do it: You line them all up, you take one bullet, shoot them all through the throat at the same time. Watch this. Phyllis, you're Hitler. Come up here. Toby, you're Toby. Andy, you're Bin Laden. Line up, throats together.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37868
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Toby
I don't wanna do this.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37869
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Michael
Toby, just do it! God!
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37870
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Dwight
Toby, come on.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37871
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Dwight
Ready, one bullet. And boom!
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37872
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Everyone
Yeah, that works. That works!
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37873
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Michael
Good work.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37874
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Pam
What flavors did you get?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37875
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Erin
It's so exciting Pam. The Eagles are doing a theme of ice creams in honor of turning 60.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37876
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Pam
Despera-dough. Witchy-womanilla. Why do they do this?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37877
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Erin
Do you want me to go back to the store?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37878
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Pam
No, no, no, it's fine. I was just commenting. We gotta get these out, open 'em up.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37879
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Erin
This is all for Michael. It turns out his girlfriend was married.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37880
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Pam
Yeah, and when Michael gets a broken heart, this whole place comes to a halt, so we're just trying to get out in front of this.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37881
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Erin
After his last breakup, he ate 40,000 calories in three hours. Right, Pam? That's what Pam told me.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37882
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Pam
Yeah, or no... well... I don't know. I'm sorry. I was up all night with Cece, otherwise I'd be running this.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37883
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Erin
That's okay. You probably shouldn't keep a baby up that late, though.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37884
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Erin
We have Mr. Bean playing in the conference room and the Pink Panther movie in his office. With half hour shifts to watch it with him.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37885
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Pam
And we need bodies in both these rooms, people. So please sign up.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37886
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Erin
He's coming.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37887
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Pam
Oh, okay. Everyone, remember, when he get's like this, he will wallow, if you empathize. Keep conversations light and if you get stuck, and you don't know what to do, make a random sound effect okay? Farting noise, whatever. Okay.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37888
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Toby
Hey everyone.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37889
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Pam
No, out! Get out now! Leave now.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37890
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Dwight
Leave, get outta here.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37891
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Pam
Leave!
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37892
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Dwight
Right now!
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37893
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Pam
Oh, and if he makes a joke, just laugh it up, no matter what. Okay?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37894
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Michael
Morning everyone.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37895
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Everyone
Hey! Hey, hey!
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37896
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Erin
Hi Michael.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37897
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Michael
Hello!
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37898
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Dwight
Michael, nice tie or something.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37899
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Michael
Oh, thank you. It's reversible, I think.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37900
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Kevin
That's hilarious.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37901
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Pam
That's awesome. You want some ice cream?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37902
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Michael
Oh! Oh wow, are those Eagles' flavors? Cake it to the Limit. That's my favorite! I love that! Too much for me to have by myself. Anybody wanna share?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37903
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Kevin
Boi-oi-oi-ing
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37904
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Michael
Okay. Well... that's random. I will dig into those later.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37905
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Lawyer
I don't follow this exactly. Uh, 'The Descendants of any replicants from this union shall have...'
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37906
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Dwight and Angela
Joint custody
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37907
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Lawyer
Are we talking about your grandchildren?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37908
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Angela
No.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37909
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Dwight
No.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37910
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Angela
Rather than spend all day in court, we've decided to settle our dispute using a mediator. It was an option spelled out in our childrearing contract.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37911
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Dwight
Alleged contract.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37912
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Angela
Alleged? I'm going to own your farm by the time this is over.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37913
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Dwight
Just try. I will do legal jujitsu on you. Gyah! See, don't even need to make contact. The law will do it.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37914
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Dwight
So much of this is just impossible to verify. Item five, point 'B', uh... the beet juice cleanse?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37915
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Angela
I'm doing it. You know I am. It's disgusting.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37916
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Dwight
How do we know this? I'd like to see a stool sample.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37917
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Angela
Dwight, look at my teeth.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37918
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Dwight
Eughh.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37919
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Andy
No secret crying. Hasn't even opened the tissue box in there.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37920
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Pam
Could he still be seeing her?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37921
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Phyllis
I don't think he'd do that.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37922
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Jim
So we're gonna say the most likely scenerio is that Michael matured overnight?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37923
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Andy
Well, it happened to Tom Hanks in Big.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37924
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Jim
Exactly. It happened in Big.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37925
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Michael
No, I gotta go. Text me later.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37926
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Jim
I'm really too tired to do this.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37927
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Pam
Me too!
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37928
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Jim
Then let's just not do this. Do you have any idea the risks involved?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37929
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Pam
Hey Michael.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37930
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Michael
Hey.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37931
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Pam
We were wondering if you would like to have dinner with us tonight, in our home, and play with our baby.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37932
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Jim
We can order in from Hooters.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37933
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Michael
Oh, Hooters to go. Nice.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37934
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Pam
We can watch a movie and play Rock Band.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37935
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Jim
Billy Joel Rock Band.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37936
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Michael
That... exists?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37937
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Pam
Yes.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37938
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Michael
Okay, well, I'll have to take a rain check, but thanks for the offer.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37939
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Pam
Michael Scott, are you still seeing Donna?
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37940
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Michael
Okay, Pam... she's not invisible so stop asking silly questions.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37941
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Phyllis
Oh Michael.
Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37942