Every quote from The Office season 5, episode 9, in script order. First aired December 4, 2008.
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Dwight
Here's another place.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25745
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Angela
It's beautiful.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25746
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Andy
Hey-o!
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25747
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Dwight
So... why don't we try this out, we'll see what would happen. Give it a little test drive, what do you say? You pretend to be Angela's father, you will play Angela, and uh, I will pretend to be you. That way you can see what it looks like when you're up here.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25748
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Andy
[whistling Pachelbel's 'Canon in D;' switches to singing then back to whistling]
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25749
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Angela
Hello, I'm Angela Martin, and-
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25750
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Andy
I'm Andy.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25751
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Angela
I work with Dwight.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25752
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Dwight
He doesn't understand a word you're saying.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25753
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Andy
What?
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25754
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Dwight
Although born just minutes from here, he speaks only German. Closed society. So, now, after the readings by all of your sisters, we will arrive at the vows. So, Konrad... And away we go. This is a little taste of the ceremony, if you will. He's explaining why we're here, what we're doing here, making introductions, blah blah blah... Then he's gonna have Andy repeat a bunch of stuff. He's gonna ask Andy to produce a ring. I have uh, now just uh... just some twine for our purposes, and you will put the ring on her finger. Yadda yadda, then he's going to ask Andy, uh, if he would like to marry Angela. And you will reply, 'I do.' And then he's going to ask Angela if she would like to marry Andy, to which you will reply...
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25755
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Angela
I do.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25756
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Dwight
And there we go. Okay, and that's just about it. Man and wife.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25757
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Hank Doyle
Got a call about a problem up here.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25758
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Pam
Did somebody call Hank?
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25759
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Michael
Hank, thank God you're here. The office is at a crossroads.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25760
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Hank Doyle
So, there's no security problem? You know, I hustled up the stairs.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25761
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Michael
Yes. I need your sage advice. And everyone, whatever Hank decides, that is the decision. That will resolve this issue. Yeah, take as many as you want.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25762
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Hank Doyle
Thank you. Thank you. You know, it's nice and warm up here.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25763
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Michael
Yes.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25764
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Hank Doyle
So what are we talking about?
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25765
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Michael
Okay. Well, we have a surplus. Imagine that your parents give you money for a lemonade stand-
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25766
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Hank Doyle
I know what a surplus is.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25767
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Michael
Oh, okay. Good. Good. Well, here's the thing. Some people want to use the surplus to buy a new copier. Other people are complaining about the chairs.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25768
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Hank Doyle
Is that the copier?
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25769
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Michael
It is, yes.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25770
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Hank Doyle
Hmm.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25771
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Michael
What?
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25772
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Hank Doyle
I was just thinking. Let me see a chair.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25773
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Michael
Okay.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25774
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Pam
You can try mine.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25775
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Michael
Oh, there we go.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25776
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Hank Doyle
Hmm, not much lumbar support.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25777
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Michael
Now everyone, bear in mind once again that whatever Hank says goes. He is an impartial third party.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25778
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Hank Doyle
On the one hand, this copier is very old. You should see some of the new copiers they have. You would not believe what they do.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25779
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Michael
So, the copier.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25780
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Hank Doyle
Well, let me finish.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25781
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Michael
All right, yes.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25782
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Hank Doyle
Now the chairs. The chairs are very weak. Very weak chairs. I could not sit all day in this chair.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25783
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Michael
Well, what should I do?
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25784
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Hank Doyle
...Let me see the copier again.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25785
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Michael
All right, get out. Get out.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25786
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Angela
Dwight, I thought I knew what I wanted. And then, being here with you and the German Mennonite minister... it just all felt right. I made a mistake picking Andy.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25787
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Dwight
I know you did. And that's why I have taken care of everything.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25788
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Angela
What do you mean?
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25789
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Dwight
Well Monkey, he's a real minister. And you said, 'I do.' And I said, 'I do.' And Andy wasn't signing a receipt; he was signing our marriage certificate as a witness.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25790
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Angela
Dwight! That doesn't count!
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25791
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Dwight
Yes, of course it does.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25792
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Angela
No, it doesn't!
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25793
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Dwight
It does in the state of Pennsylvania.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25794
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Angela
I didn't-
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25795
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Dwight
Haha, Mrs. Schrute.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25796
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Angela
We are not married.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25797
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Dwight
Wha...
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25798
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Angela
Take this thing.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25799
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Dwight
My... It's not my fault you don't understand German; I've been telling you to take it for years!
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25800
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Andy
Are we, uh... are we leaving or what? Ow!
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25801
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David
Michael.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25802
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Michael
Hey David- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm eating tiramisu. Some of the chocolate powder just went down my throat. I'm stopping now.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25803
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David
Is this why you're calling me?
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25804
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Michael
No, no, no, no, no. No. I'm calling- I'm sorry.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25805
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David
Okay.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25806
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Michael
Mm. I'm calling because, um, we have a stupid budget surplus, and people-everybody wants something different.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25807
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David
You want me to weigh in on a minor budget issue?
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25808
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Michael
No, no, no. I want you to make the decision so I'm not the bad guy.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25809
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David
Well if I were you, I would just return the surplus and take the bonus.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25810
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Michael
The what now?
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25811
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David
Branch managers who come in under budget get 15% of the savings.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25812
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Michael
...Like a tip? $645?!
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25813
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Michael
I hate disappointing just one person. And I really hate disappointing everyone. But I love Burlington Coat Factory. You go in there with $645, you are literally a king.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25814
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Jim
We have that going out Tuesday... Okay? Sure, no, I can... I'll double-check that for you.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25815
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Michael
All right, attention everyone.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25816
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Jim
Let me call you right back. Okay.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25817
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Michael
I have made my decision. We do not need a new copier. We do not need new chairs. This copier... is... working perfectly.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25818
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Oscar
That's the original.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25819
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Michael
Pam, would you stand up for a sec? Hmm. See how relaxed I am? I like this chair. Offers good support, it is urkelnomically correct... it's a good chair. I think we're spoiled because we don't appreciate the things that we have. You think kids in Africa have chairs? No. They sit in big piles of garbage. You think they have copiers? They don't have copiers. They don't even- Gah! They don't even have paper. And we are spoiled because we throw out perfectly good tiramisu because it has a little tiny hair on it. My point I this: I have seen the light in terms of what we need, and it is nothing.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25820
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Oscar
Do you know?
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25821
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Michael
Do I know what?
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25822
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Oscar
I think you know.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25823
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Michael
Mm, no...
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25824
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Phyllis
Know what?
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25825
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Pam
Yeah, know what?
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25826
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Oscar
Does anyone happen to know what 15% of 4300 is?
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25827
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Michael
$645.00
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25828
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Kevin
Michael's a genius.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25829
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Michael
Right.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25830
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Oscar
Why'd you say dollars?
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25831
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Michael
Because that is how my mind works.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25832
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Oscar
What's 15% of 200? Thank you. Everyone, Michael is returning the surplus so he can keep 15% as a bonus.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25833
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Jim
Wait, what?
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25834
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Pam
You can do that?
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25835
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Kevin
Hey Michael, what's 394 times 5,912?
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25836
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Michael
Let's see...
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25837
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Pam
You're gonna give yourself a bonus of $645 instead of getting the entire office something it really needs?
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25838
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Michael
I don't need $645; I already have $645, more or less.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25839
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Oscar
You're gonna get us a copier then?
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25840
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Michael
This is so stupid.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25841
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Pam
Or chairs?
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25842
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Michael
This is so, so stupid. And, God... that's my phone.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25843
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Stanley
I didn't hear a phone.
Season 5 · Episode 9 · Quote 25844