Pam [on phone]

I'm not drunk.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23859

Jim

I'm on minute six of this message.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23860

Pam [on phone]

Okay, I do not sound like that.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23861

Man on Phone

You can take the girl out of Philly...

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23862

Pam [on phone]

Scranton.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23863

Jim

The future mother of my children.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23864

Angela

I never felt safe here.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23865

Andy

You're always safe with me. I'm a very good screamer. And one day, we're going to move to Disney's Celebration Village in Florida and leave all of this behind.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23866

Angela

I would very much like that.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23867

Andy

Yeah?

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23868

Angela

Yeah.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23869

Andy

Consider yourself... at home!

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23870

Dwight

Ugh.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23871

Dwight

Get in.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23872

Phyllis

Where are we going?

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23873

Dwight

I know she loves me, Phyllis. I am sure of it. She practically told me so.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23874

Phyllis

Then you need to give her an ultimatum. Tell her she needs to make a choice. You or Andy. If she pick you, great. If not, you can move on.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23875

Dwight

Are you sure that's going to work?

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23876

Phyllis

It did when Bob said I had to stop talking to my sister on the phone so much.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23877

Dwight

Wait, this isn't our floor. Dwight...

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23878

Holly

How's everyone doing? My door is always open if anyone wants to talk.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23879

Oscar

I don't want to talk. I want my laptop back.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23880

Creed

Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23881

Michael

We're gonna make everything all right. Alright? Conference room, 15 minutes. Half an hour. Alright?

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23882

Michael

To recoup their losses, I am planning a little charity auction, where people from all over Scranton can come and bid on our goods and services. I'm calling it crime-aid. It's like farm aid, but instead of farms fighting against AIDS, it is us fighting against our own poverty.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23883

Phyllis

I think it's a fun idea.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23884

Michael

Thank you.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23885

Phyllis

We could auction off things we do for each other like cleaning or tennis lessons. My sorority did it all the time.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23886

Michael

Okay, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. Was this a sorority that you didn't get into a real sorority so you had to kind of form your own?

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23887

Phyllis

Move on, Michael.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23888

Michael

Okay. Okay! Well, come on, let's have an auction. Let's do this. We'll auction off people like in the olden days.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23889

Oscar

So, in order to recoup the value of items we liked, we have to spend more money on things we don't want. Who would ever come to this?

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23890

Michael

I don't know, it could be any number of people. It could be a pedestrian. It could be an old person. It could be a lookie-loo. Or, it could be... a Bruce Springsteen fan - what? Who said that? I did. Why did I say that? Oh, I think you know why I said that. I think it is very apparent. I think it goes without saying. Bear with me. There's a point there. But what is the point? I don't understand what he's saying. It seems a little shady. It seems a little foggy. Well, it's not a little foggy there's actually something going on here-

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23891

Jim

Do you need us for any of this?

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23892

Michael

Do I?

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23893

Holly

Michael scored the big ticket item. Springsteen tickets! The boss scored the boss.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23894

Michael

Yeah, I think that's pretty boss.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23895

Holly

He knows how to get things. He got me.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23896

Michael

Whoa!

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23897

Holly

Sorry.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23898

Michael

Twice. ... Right?

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23899

Holly

Mm-hmm.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23900

Michael

Mm-hmm.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23901

Holly

Mm-hmm.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23902

Dwight

Listen to me close. 'Cause I'm only gonna say this once. You either break off your engagement with that singing buffoon, apologize, and then date me, or you can say good-bye to this.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23903

Angela

I think you have me confused with another person.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23904

Dwight

I said I was only gonna say this once. You have until 6:14 PM. 6:14!

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23905

Angela

I heard you.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23906

Michael

Pump it up! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Pump up the volume. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you, Mr. Springsteen. And welcome to C.R.I.M.E.-A.I.D. Crime Reduces Innocence Makes Everyone Angry I Declare. It is not known how many office robberies occur every second because there is no Wikipedia entry for office robbery statistics. However, tonight, its victims, are standing together and standing strong in the form of song, cooking lessons, and hugs. Really Phyllis? You're auctioning a hug? Okay, so with no further ado, lights, camera, auction! Take it away Bruce!

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23907

Darryl

Mike gave me a list of his top ten Springsteen songs. Three of them were Huey Lewis and the News. One was Tracy Chapman, Fast Car. And my personal favorite, Short People.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23908

Michael

Okay, this is the moment that you have all been waiting for. Our first item up for bids tonight is something that I consider to be very boss indeed. It is a Yoga lesson from Holly Flax! Yoga! And I would like to start the bidding off at 300 dollars. 300 dollars do I hear 300 dollars? 300 dollars. Hey, batter batter batter, hey batter, swing batter, 300 dollars, 300 dollars, 300 dollars. Anybody, 300 dollars. 400 dollars. Who wants for 400-Do I see somebody in the back? Is there somebody in the back? Do I see somebody in the back? 400-450 Sold! For 300 dollars to me! What the hell is that?

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23909

Phyllis

It's the only gavel I could find.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23910

Michael

It squeaks when you bang it, that's what she said. Let's hear it for me! Right? A bargain at any price!

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23911

Darryl

Hey Mike, do my thing.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23912

Michael

Oh, yes, great. Very good, Um, so, Darryl, and the boys in the hood in the warehouse, have graciously donated to, uh, go out for a beer with them right now. You know what, I'm actually going to bid on this. I'm going to start the bidding, because this is something that I have dreamt of-

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23913

Darryl

Mike, you can't do that. It's conflict of interest.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23914

Jim

5 dollars.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23915

Darryl

Sold! To Jim.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23916

Michael

Okay. Okay, sold! Have fun, you guys. Well, this next item is sure to spring steam from your ears if you don't win it. It just says 'Creed.'

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23917

Creed

Yeah, that's all-inclusive.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23918

Darryl

She thought I was McNabb.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23919

Jim

I can see that.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23920

Darryl

Yeah, well, watcha gonna do?

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23921

Jim

Another round, boys? Great.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23922

Roy

Halpert?

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23923

Darryl

What's up, Roy?

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23924

Jim

Hey man.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23925

Roy

I'm not gonna hit you or anything.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23926

Jim

Oh, I wouldn't-[clears throat]

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23927

Roy

You good?

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23928

Jim

I'm good. How you doing?

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23929

Roy

I'm good.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23930

Jim

Yeah, okay.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23931

Roy

Hey Darryl, what's happenin'?

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23932

Darryl

Oh, what's up, Roy?

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23933

Roy

Hey, what's up, guys? How you been?

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23934

Kevin

Hi, I'm Kevin. And I'll do your taxes.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23935

Michael

Let's hear an opening bid, everybody. Who's first? Kevin do your taxes. He's the tax man. Kevin the tax man.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23936

Kevin

Federal and State.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23937

Michael

Federal and State.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23938

Kevin

Fine.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23939

Michael

Okay, alright. Hey, you know what? I would appreciate it if people would stop storming off the stage.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23940

Hank Doyle

Me and the blues. It's me and the blues.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23941

Michael

We are getting there folks. Slow and steady. Well, well, have we been blessed today. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. David Wallace! Whoo!

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23942

David Wallace

Hey.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23943

Michael

Hey!

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23944

David Wallace

Thank you Michael, thanks, thanks everybody. I'd like to auction off a weekend at my place in Martha's Vineyard. Hey, hey!

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23945

Oscar

100 dollars.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23946

Michael

100 dollars, great.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23947

Bob

125

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23948

Guy in audience

140

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23949

Dwight

Hey Phyllis, someone let the air out of your tires. Come quick.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23950

Phyllis

Oh dear.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23951

Michael

Keep it going. Hey batter batter batter.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23952

Guy in audience

160

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23953

Michael

160

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23954

Dwight

I had to get your attention. This is an emergency.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23955

Phyllis

Why couldn't have you just said it? Why did you actually do it?

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23956

Dwight

Listen, she ignored my ultimatum. Now what?

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23957

Phyllis

Now you move on.

Season 5 · Episode 4 · Line 23958

"Crime Aid" Quotes (page 2)