Every line from The Office season 5, episode 16, in script order. First aired March 5, 2009.
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Michael
That was mean.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27668
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Blood Girl
Um, a hat.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27669
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Michael
A hat.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27670
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Blood Girl
A hat with no blood in it?
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27671
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Michael
That is full of soup.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27672
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Blood Girl
You're cute.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27673
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Michael
What?
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27674
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Blood Drive Worker
You're done.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27675
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Michael
Oh, already.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27676
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Blood Girl
Ah, we did it!
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27677
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Michael
Whew, wow I was so nervous about this I don't think I ate for three days.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27678
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Blood Girl
Is he OK?
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27679
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Michael
Oh my God, how long was I out?
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27680
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Hank Doyle
What?
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27681
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Michael
Excuse me, waitress, where did the lady go?
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27682
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Blood Drive Worker
Oh. She left.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27683
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Michael
OK. Oh, wait a second, wait a second, that's hers. This is hers, she left her glove. I need her name if I'm gonna return her glove.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27684
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Blood Drive Worker
I'm sorry sir we can't give out that information.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27685
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Meredith
What are you doing?
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27686
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Kelly
Decorating.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27687
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Meredith
I'll help. Now it's just a stupid baby.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27688
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Kelly
Yeah, thanks.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27689
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Phyllis
It is so nice to go out with another couple.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27690
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Pam
Anything to get out of that office.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27691
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Phyllis
I know
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27692
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Bob
I honestly don't know how you can work with that jackass, that other jackass, and that new jackass.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27693
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Phyllis
He's talking about Michael, Dwight, and Andy.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27694
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Jim
Oh yeah, I understood.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27695
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Michael
Well here we all are. Alone but together. No flowers for us. Relationships, we don't need no stinking relationships. I think we should all go around and tell our worst relationship story, and then get past it, just blow through it, yeah? Kelly, what about Ryan? He treated you pretty terribly, yeah?
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27696
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Kelly
Well, his heart was in the right place.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27697
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Michael
Yeah, but now his heart is in Thailand along with the rest of his body having random sex. Okay, sorry, let's, who else? Oscar.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27698
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Oscar
I don't think so.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27699
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Michael
Come on, I'm sure there's something you need to get off your chest.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27700
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Oscar
I can't.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27701
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Michael
If you wanna just, anything? Are you sure? I'm sure whatever you did it wasn't your fault. OK well, who else?
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27702
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Bob
Everyone here who's bowled a 280 please raise your hand.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27703
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Jim
No way, a 280?
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27704
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Pam
Wow, that's impressive.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27705
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Phyllis
Okay. Now everyone here who's bowled under 70 raise their hand.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27706
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Jim
Yikes.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27707
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Phyllis
Come on, Bob. Raise your hand.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27708
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Jim
No. Bob, no. No!
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27709
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Pam
What?
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27710
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Bob
One time. You love bringing up that one time, don't you?
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27711
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Phyllis
Yes I do.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27712
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Pam
Jim uses a 6 pound ball.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27713
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Jim
That is a lie, that is a lie.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27714
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Pam
Yes, he bowled 5 frames with this pink sparkly thing until a little girl had to ask for her ball back.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27715
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Jim
But! That girl must've had monstrous hands because the holes fit.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27716
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Pam
No, you just have little dainty fingers.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27717
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Bob
Oh yeah. You can always model ladies' jewelry.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27718
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Jim
Nobody asked, Bob!
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27719
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Oscar
Do you risk telling him how you feel? Do you say something that you can barely admit to yourself?
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27720
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Angela
Oh God, what did you do? I mean, not that I approve of any of it but...
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27721
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Oscar
I was stupid, I told him.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27722
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Kevin
Was he in to you in like a gay way?
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27723
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Michael
Moron, if he was there wouldn't be a story.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27724
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Oscar
He told me he wasn't gay.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27725
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Michael
Really sad.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27726
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Oscar
I'm not done yet.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27727
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Michael
Oh my God.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27728
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Kevin
A week later a friend of mine calls me up, and he says 'I just saw him in a gay bar in Kansas City.'
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27729
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Michael
Well then it's a happy ending, because he was gay. You should call him!
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27730
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Angela
My worst breakup was actually two breakups. Two different men. I was in love with both of them and when things went bad they had a duel over me.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27731
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Oscar
Yeah, Dwight and Andy. We were here.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27732
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Angela
No, this was years ago when I was living in Ohio. John Mark and John David.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27733
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Oscar
Angela, you had two sets of different men actually duel over you?
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27734
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Angela
I guess I have. Huh.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27735
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Michael
Alright who's next? Where's Andy?
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27736
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Oscar
He's on one of his honeymoons.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27737
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Michael
What?
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27738
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Oscar
He made non-refundable deposits on his honeymoons, so he's just knocking them off one at a time. I think today he's hot air ballooning and later he's got a couple's massage.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27739
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Kevin
My worst breakup was with Stacy. It was a Sunday morning, we were reading the paper, and I said 'Oh my God, I think the Eagles could clinch the NFC East!' and she said that we're done.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27740
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Michael
You know what guys? I don't think we need to do this.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27741
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Dwight
You're right. OK everyone, back to work.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27742
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Michael
No, no, no, no. I mean have this kind of party. I look around and I see all these beautiful people who are alone on Valentine's, and I think that there are other single people out there too. We just need to find them. There's a girl out there for all of us maybe even in this office park. There has to be a way to get all these lonely people together.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27743
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Dwight
A net? a giant net?
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27744
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Michael
No. Not a giant net.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27745
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Dwight
What do you have in mind?
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27746
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Michael
I was thinking maybe like a mixer.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27747
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Dwight
Oh God, that's a terrible idea.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27748
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Michael
Old fashioned meet market --
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27749
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Dwight
No.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27750
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Michael
-- I don't think it is.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27751
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Dwight
Lonely people mixing with one another? Breeding? Creating an even lonelier generation? Ha, you're not allowing natural selection to do its work. Pssh. You're like the guy who invented the seat belt.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27752
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Michael
These people need love and I am going to get it for them Who cares if we sell a little bit less paper today? A great boss cares more about the happiness of his employees then anything else. I am going to be cupid, and I am going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims, and they are going to get hit and say 'I'm in love I was hit by cupid's sparrow.' Funny little bird, but he gets the job done.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27753
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Michael
Hey.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27754
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Dwight
Hey. No movement.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27755
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Michael
Ah, still early.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27756
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Dwight
Eh, its not that early.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27757
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Michael
So how you holding up?
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27758
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Dwight
I'm ok. Feel a little lopsided because of all the blood they took out of my right side.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27759
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Michael
No. No, I meant about being single today.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27760
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Dwight
Oh. Meh.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27761
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Michael
Meh, exactly. Eh.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27762
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Dwight
Eh.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27763
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Michael
Oh, here we go.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27764
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Dwight
Hello.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27765
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Michael
Hello.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27766
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Dwight
Dwight K. Schrute. Why don't you introduce me to your little friend? Hi, Dwight.
Season 5 · Episode 16 · Line 27767