Michael

I knew that finding a successor would be difficult. I did not know that it would be impossible. Thus far the candidates have been wildly disappointing. Uh, Jim is not taking it seriously. Uh, Stanley is having a stroke. And Andy, where is he? Where the hell is Andy? Where is he, Pam? Do you know? Ah... who's ahead in points?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16263

Pam

I think they're even. At various times you gave Jim ten points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs up. And I don't really know how to compare those units.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16264

Michael

Check to see if there is a conversion chart in that notebook.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16265

Pam

I really doubt it, Michael.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16266

Michael

Please just check.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16267

Jim

Great. Yeah, I'll see you next week. Thank you, and here is Karen Filipelli. Bye.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16268

Karen

Hello? Yeah, hi David. Yes, I would like to be considered for the corporate position in well.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16269

Jim

In well?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16270

Karen

As well.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16271

Jim

How would that work in well? I just want to know.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16272

Karen

Yes. uh, huh.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16273

Jim

Wait a minute.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16274

Karen

That would be fine.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16275

Jim

If this job is in a well, I don't want it.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16276

Karen

Cut it out!

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16277

Jim

I don't!

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16278

Michael

What does a great manager need most of all? Courage.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16279

Stanley

How so? I mean... sure thing, that sounds smart... I can't do this anymore! I'm goin' to sit in the bus.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16280

Michael

Your loss, Stanley. Meanwhile the rest of us will have a super fun time defeating our fear and creating a lasting memory. Walking through FIRE!

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16281

Michael

Who among you has the guts to replace me? Let him walk across these coals.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16282

Kevin

Are you going to try it?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16283

Angela

I'm not going to talk through the fire after your disgusting feet have gone through.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16284

Kevin

Angela, it is a million degrees.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16285

Pam

I'm gonna do it. And I fully expect to burn my feet and go to the hospital. That's the right spirit when doing a coal walk, right?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16286

Michael

No. No, not you, Pam. You have to keep score.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16287

Pam

I'd like to try it.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16288

Michael

Pointless.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16289

Pam

But I'm not kidding. I really want to do it.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16290

Michael

Blah, blah, blee blup, blup, okay? This is about guts. It takes guts to be a regional manager. Jim, you're up.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16291

Jim

Nope.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16292

Michael

Ji.. why not? C'mon.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16293

Jim

Oh, 'cause I don't want my feet to get burned.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16294

Michael

You do not have what it takes to be a regional manager.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16295

Jim

That's harsh.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16296

Michael

Who's next? Andy? Where's Andy? Andy is never here today.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16297

Andy

Hello? Who's there? My name is Andrew Bernard, I was with a group called Dunder Mifflin. Hello?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16298

Kevin

Why don't you go Michael?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16299

Michael

Because I already did. Remember? I burned my foot on a George Foreman grill.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16300

Jim

And that is not the same at all. If you're going to ask other people to do it, you should do it yourself.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16301

Michael

Alright. Okay. Alright. Fine. 'kay. The mind has to wrap around the foot. Okay.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16302

Pam

Do you want us to count to three?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16303

Michael

Yes. Count to three, please.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16304

Group

Three. Two. One.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16305

Michael

Count the other way. Count... no, no, count one, two, three, not three, two, one.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16306

Group

One. Two. Three! Go! Do it! Go, Michael.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16307

Michael

Wait! Am I going on go? Or am I going on three?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16308

Creed

On the go that's after three.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16309

Michael

Okay.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16310

Group

One, two, three, go!

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16311

Dwight

No! It's okay. I will do this Michael.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16312

Michael

Don't, don't.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16313

Dwight

I will walk and stand on these coals until you award me the position of regional manager!

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16314

Group

Wow. Go, Dwight. Keep moving.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16315

Dwight

GIVE ME THE JOB! GIVE ME THE JOB!

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16316

Michael

I'm not going to give it to you.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16317

Dwight

Aaagh, aaagh!

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16318

Group

[yelling excitedly for Dwight to get off the coals]

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16319

Pam

Michael, do something!

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16320

Dwight

Aggggh, that stings!

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16321

Michael

Being the boss is also about image. I've never looked like that. That was gross. I just, I don't see the connection between a firewalk and management. Worst seventy-five bucks I ever spent. You know what, if I had to pick my replacement based on today, it would be Mr. 'Outside Hire.'

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16322

Angela

Or Mrs. 'Outside Hire.'

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16323

Michael

Yeah. Ummm, hmm... True. Look, I don't want to leave this branch that I love to an outside hire therefore we are going to have a one hundred point winner take all sudden death tribal council round. To test the aspect of my job that I think is the most important, something I call the Bob Hope factor.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16324

Kelly

Who's Bob Hope?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16325

Michael

God! He's a comedian.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16326

Kelly

Oh, like Amanda Bynes.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16327

Michael

Who's Amanda Bynes?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16328

Kelly

She's from 'What a Girl Wants.'

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16329

Michael

Oh, I love that movie. Yes, Kelly is right, the person to replace me has to have a great sense of humor and they have to possess the leadership qualities of a Bynes or a Hope. So without further ado, Jim and Dwight show us what you got.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16330

Jim

Hey, I know what you're looking for, but um, I got to be honest, I really don't think I should be considered as your replacement.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16331

Michael

You are being too modest.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16332

Jim

Michael, on Thursday I'm going to drive down and interview with David for the open position in New York.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16333

Michael

Hhhh... okay. That is not funny. I am deducting sixty points from Voldemort for false pretenses. Okay, Dwight your turn. Wow us.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16334

Dwight

The Aristocrats. A man and his wife and his children go into the offices of a talent agency. And the talent agent says, 'Describe your act.' And the man says something really, really raunchy and the talent representative says, 'What do you call yourselves?' And the man says, 'The Aristocrats!'

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16335

Pam

Oooh, uh hah, ooh! Wha-hoo! Ahhhh...

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16336

Dwight

I mean truly repulsive acts.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16337

Michael

That is a very, very funny story.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16338

Pam

Hey! I want to say something. I've been trying to be more honest lately and I just need to say a few things. I did the coal walk! Just, I did it! Michael, you couldn't even do that. Maybe I should be your boss? Wow, I feel really good right now. Why didn't any of you come to my art show? I invited all of you. That really sucked. It's like sometimes some of you act like I don't even exist. Jim, I called off my wedding because of you. And now we're not even friends. And things are just like weird between us, and that sucks. And I miss you. You were my best friend before you went to Stamford, and I really miss you. I shouldn't have been with Roy. And there were a lot of reasons to call off my wedding. But the truth is, I didn't care about any of those reasons until I met you. And now you're with someone else. And that's... fine. It's... whatever. That's not what... I'm not... Okay, my feet really hurt. The thing that I'm just trying to say to you, Jim... and to everyone else in this circle I guess, is that I miss having fun with you. Just you, not everyone in the circle. Okay, I am going to go walk in the water now. Yeah. It's a good day.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16339

Michael

Pam, that was amazing. But I am still looking for someone with a sales background.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16340

Group

Flintstones, meet the Flintstones. They're a modern stone-age family. Ba-ba-da-da-da. From the town of Bedrock, they're a page right out of history. Ba-da-da-da-da. When you're with the Flintstones, have a yabba-dabba-doo time, a dabba-doo time, we'll have a gay old time!

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16341

Michael

WWWWIIIILLLLMMMMAAAA!

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16342

Andy

Nice!

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16343

Michael

So we have about an hour and a half. I suggest that you all go potty now and then we will be congregating on the party bus. Fun on wheels. Only way to travel. Besides a monorail.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16344

Phyllis

Well, Bob was going to just drive me.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16345

Michael

No. No, no, no. No guests today. Classic gang only. Just us good friends, and Karen and Andy.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16346

Pam

Sometimes Michael gets nostalgic and he talks about the classic gang. That's Michael, me, Jim, Dwight, Angela, Kevin, Oscar, Stanley, Phyllis, Creed, Meredith, Kelly and Ryan. We're a regular Ocean's Eleven.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16347

Pam

Jim, David Wallace is calling for you.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16348

Jim

Oh, okay. Hello. Hey, David. Sure.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16349

Michael

Pam, you broke up with your boyfriend and then kept working together. How did that work out?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16350

Pam

You remember you fired Roy for attacking Jim and I don't talk to him anymore really.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16351

Michael

Acrimonious.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16352

Michael

This way to the party bus. Good.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16353

Meredith

Um, What the hell?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16354

Michael

It's a bus that takes you to a party. Here we go.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16355

Meredith

Um, I forgot my...

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16356

Michael

Here we go. Come on. Okay, everybody here?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16357

All

Yeah!

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16358

Michael

Then, Mr. Driver, we are off like a herd of turtles! Johnny Carson.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16359

Dwight

Seat belts fastened, folks. Safety first. Hey what is all this?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16360

Michael

Nothing.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16361

Dwight

If I guess, will you tell me?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16362

"Beach Games" Quotes (page 3)