Michael

Ughh... Blech.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16063

Dwight

OK, where does it hurt?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16064

Michael

Just... all over. I don't want to do anything... I'm dying...

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16065

Dwight

No, that's not how it works. You have to point to a specific part of the body.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16066

Michael

Right there.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16067

Dwight

'Abdomen. Menses.'

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16068

Michael

Maybe.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16069

Dwight

The uterus contracts after your egg passes through it.'

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16070

Michael

Not it. I don't have eggs.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16071

Pam

About 40 times a year, Michael gets really sick, but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16072

Dwight

Oh, is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16073

Michael

That's possible.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16074

Pam

Michael?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16075

Michael

Uh-huh?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16076

Pam

David Wallace is on line one.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16077

Michael

The CFO? Ohh...

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16078

Michael

OK, everybody out. Out. Out. Out. OK.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16079

Michael

To what do I owe this great honor, David Wallace?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16080

David

Michael, I am calling---

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16081

Michael

And Gromit. Jan? Is Jan there?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16082

David

Jan is out of town right now.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16083

Michael

Oh, you sigh like Jan. I broke Jan's heart, David, and it was awful. It was... It was never my intention to ruin a life. But you know what? Sometimes...

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16084

David

Michael?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16085

Michael

...you just gots to get your freak on.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16086

David

Michael?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16087

Michael

Yeah.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16088

David

Michael?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16089

Michael

Hmmm.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16090

David

I am calling to see if you can come down and interview for a job we have opening in corporate.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16091

Michael

Really?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16092

David

Week from today. Bring your first quarter stats and your recommendation for who would take over the Scranton Branch.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16093

Michael

Wow. I wish I had prepared something to say.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16094

David

That's not necessary.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16095

Michael

May God guide you in your quest.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16096

David

Yes.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16097

Michael

OK, everybody have their towels and swim suits? We have about an hour and half. I suggest that you all go potty now and then we will be congregating on the partay bus.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16098

Meredith

Oh I'm excited. Today is Beach Day! And Michael is taking the whole office to the beach. So I'm wearing my bathing suit underneath my shirt [lifts up shirt, definitely

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16099

Michael

Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16100

Oscar

I don't wear a Speedo, Michael.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16101

Michael

Well, you can't swim in leather pants. I'm just yankin' your chain. Not literally.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16102

Toby

Anybody need sun block? Got SPF 30.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16103

Michael

Oh, you know what? Uh, you're not going.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16104

Toby

It's Beach Day...

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16105

Michael

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, Toby. We... um... Somebody has to stay here.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16106

Michael

I want today to be a beautiful memory... that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it... then it'll suck.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16107

Toby

Hey, want my sun screen?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16108

Pam

Oh, great. I forgot mine and I'm wearing a two piece.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16109

Toby

Uh-huh.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16110

Pam

Thanks Toby.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16111

Michael

Hey Pam, I have a very important job for you

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16112

Pam

I thought we were just having fun at the beach.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16113

Michael

We are. We are. But, I would like you to take notes. And I want you to find out about people's character. Not their hotness, per se, but their humor, and their charisma, and the indefinable quality that makes you all glad to follow me.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16114

Michael

What happens to a company if somebody takes their boss away? I will answer your question with a question. It's like what happens to a chicken when you take its head away. It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16115

Pam

You want me to write down people's indefinable qualities?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16116

Michael

I want you to write down everything that people are doing all day. And then type it up, in a way that is helpful. Alright?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16117

Pam

I have the most boring job in the office, so... why wouldn't I have the most boring job on beach day?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16118

Michael

This way to the partay bus.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16119

Kevin

I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16120

Kevin

And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression. Said, 'If you're gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right.' You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run. You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table. There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16121

Michael

Everybody, may I have you attention please? Today, we are not just spending a day at the beach.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16122

Stanley

Oh, sweet mother of God.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16123

Michael

If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16124

Stanley

Excuse me?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16125

Michael

Or the front of the bus. Or drive the bus. Just, we are all participating in mandatory fun activities. Funtivities! And there is a special secret prize for the winner!

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16126

Dwight

Yes! Funtivities! I knew it wasn't just a trip to the beach.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16127

Michael

Okay, you know what? Your enthusiasm's turning people off.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16128

Dwight

I hope there will be management parables.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16129

Michael

Well, Hey Pam, did you get that down?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16130

Pam

Like what?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16131

Michael

Like everything I said and everything they did and... Just don't...

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16132

Pam

Well... no, I don't... exactly... what?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16133

Michael

Well write it down before you forget it. That's... You've just been drawing pictures. Rrrr. I can't stay mad at you.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16134

Michael

Here we are ladies and gentlemen. Everybody ready? Last one down is a rotten egg. Watch out for snakes!

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16135

Angela

Everyone put on sunscreen.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16136

Michael

Alright, find a cozy spot. Everybody settle in. OK, everybody up! Circle 'round. Let us play some games. We are situated on the northeast corner of scenic Lake Scranton. America's eighth largest indigenous body of water. It is here that a group of Americans will undergo the ultimate challenge. One day, 14 strangers who work together, but only one survivor.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16137

Oscar

What?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16138

Michael

Just words. Inspiring words. Not a contender. For the competitions, you will be divided into four tribes. Each tribe will have a leader that I will pick randomly off the top of my head without thinking. Jim, Dwight, Andy and Stanley.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16139

Dwight

Yes!

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16140

Michael

Choose your tribes. Except for Pam. Not Pam.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16141

Michael

Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know? Cons: not a hard worker. I can spend all day on a project, and he will finish the same project in a half an hour. So that should tell you something.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16142

Dwight

I choose Michael!

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16143

Michael

I'm not playing.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16144

Dwight

OK, temp.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16145

Michael

Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16146

Michael

We are going to choose team names. Dwight?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16147

Dwight

We will be called Gryffindor.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16148

Jim

Really? Not Slytherin?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16149

Dwight

Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16150

Jim

I know. Okay, we will be Voldemort.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16151

Dwight

He-who-must-not-be-named? I wouldn't do that.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16152

Jim

Vol-de-mort, Vol-de-mort ...Vol-de-mort! Vol-de-mort! Vol-de-mort!

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16153

Dwight

OK, seriously. You really shouldn't be saying that.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16154

Michael

Hey, hey, hey. Ok, Ok... Stanley, your team name?

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16155

Stanley

I don't care what you call my team.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16156

Michael

Then I will name your team the Red team.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16157

Stanley

No, the blue team.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16158

Michael

I am also considering Stanley because of all the good that black people have done. For America.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16159

Andy

We will be team U.S.A.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16160

Michael

Very good. Pam, please take a note that Andy is patriotic.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16161

Michael

Andy Bernard. Pros: He's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him.

Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16162

"Beach Games" Quotes