Every line from The Office season 3, episode 18, in script order. First aired April 5, 2007.
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Jan
Right now we can offer you a 6% raise.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14900
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Michael
Six percent? After all we've been through?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14901
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Jan
Oh, God.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14902
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Michael
I got you... jade earrings.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14903
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Jan
Michael---
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14904
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Michael
No!
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14905
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Jan
Michael---
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14906
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Michael
No. You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more sex. What are you writing, perv-ball?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14907
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Toby
Just preparing for the deposition.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14908
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Toby
This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14909
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Roy
I'm so sorry, Pammy. I really wasn't gonna do anything. But then I... kept thinkin' about you two together, and... I just thought you guys were really good friends, or... or maybe he was gay or somethin'... Not that that's wrong.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14910
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Pam
I'm sorry too. I just, I think that we both made some bad choices.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14911
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Roy
So you gonna start datin' Halpert then?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14912
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Pam
Um... no. No, he has a girlfriend.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14913
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Roy
Oh yeah... Wait a minute, you... broke off our wedding for the guy.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14914
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Pam
No, there were a lot of reasons.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14915
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Roy
But you're not even gonna try to go out with him? I don't get you Pam.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14916
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Pam
I know.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14917
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Dwight
What's this?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14918
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Jim
What's what?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14919
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Dwight
Certificate of Bravery, from the Scranton Police Department. 'Recognizing outstanding citizenship from a very brave young man. Dwight K. Schrute'
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14920
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Jim
Wow. I guess word got around. That's a nice... honor.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14921
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Dwight
Please. They hand these out to little kids. Look. There's a teddy bear in a policeman's cap.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14922
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Jim
Didn't think you'd notice...
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14923
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Michael
Why don't you just take that pen and stab me in the heart. This is me, Jan. This is me!
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14924
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Jan
Okay, Michael. Please, why don't we just take a break. This is really going nowhere.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14925
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Michael
Okay, no, no, no, no. You do not try tactic number eight on me. I invented tactic number eight. I'm not going anywhere.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14926
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Jan
Ok, Toby, how about if you...
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14927
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Toby
Sure.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14928
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Jan
Great.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14929
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Jan
What's wrong with you?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14930
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Michael
Ohh. It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed. And then Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money. And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby. And then, your assistant, is all young and hot. And I---
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14931
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Jan
Okay, Michael. I can offer you a 12% raise, but you have got to ask for 15.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14932
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Michael
Well that's ridiculous I'm not gonna make---
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14933
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Jan
No, just... I just need you to ask for it, so I can record that you asked for it. Okay?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14934
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Michael
Ah, so... All right, Levinson. Here's the rub. I would like a 15% raise.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14935
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Jan
No. But we can offer you 12.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14936
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Michael
But you just said 15.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14937
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Michael
Negotiation is an art. Back and forth. Give and take. And today, both Darryl and I took something. Higher salaries. Win win win. But you know, life is about more... than just salaries. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan--
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14938
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Jan
Michael!
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14939
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Stanley
So you and Bob are looking at a historical house?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14940
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Phyllis
Mm-hmm, near the river.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14941
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Stanley
Mm, how many bedrooms?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14942
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Phyllis
Four.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14943
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Angela
Dwight. Dwight. I've been doing some very interesting reading.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14944
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Dwight
Really?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14945
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Angela
Mm-hmm. Tales of bravery.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14946
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Dwight
Mm, good stuff.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14947
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Angela
Mm-hmm. I was thinking tonight, we could... read it together.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14948
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Dwight
Sounds... fun.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14949
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Jim
I... will never say a word. And now, we are even.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14950
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Andy
I graduated from anger management the same way I graduated from Cornell. On time. Now I'm back. Got a second chance, and I'm not gonna blow it. So look out Dunder Mifflin! I mean, look out... in a fun way! You know, not like, I'm gonna hurt you...
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14951
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Andy
Hey guys! Guess who's back! AHHH! OH, GOD!
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14952
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Dwight
No need to thank me.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14953
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Dwight
I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know who's a real hero? Hiro, from
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14954
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Michael
Look, I am not a gazillionaire. I can't... I can't dress like Donald Trump dresses. I have to stay within the parameters of my budget. I can't shop at a fancy Norwegian boutique. I buy my suits the old fashioned way. I buy them from discount stores... or on eBay. And when I found out that Ross was having a midnight madness sale, I ran, not walked, as per the instructions on the flier. And I got there, and when the doors opened, all of these women ran to this one bin. And I did too. And I grabbed this suit. And a woman, sort of a, I don't know, Missy Elliot type, grabbed the jacket. And, uh, we had kind of a heated tug of war. And I could tell by the way she was screaming that this must be a get. And I figured she was just buying it for her husband, to answer your question from before. Um, anyway, she s... socked me, in the eye. And she got it, she got the suit. But, I went to the Ross, in Trenton New Jersey, and I found the exact same suit. And I didn't have to deal with Missy Elliot.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14955