Every line from The Office season 3, episode 18, in script order. First aired April 5, 2007.
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Dwight
When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14800
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Jim
Boy I---
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14801
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Dwight
No. And why are you so interested in buying me something Jim, what's your angle?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14802
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Jim
It's like when he annoys me and I want to screw with him to get him back, he never sees it coming. But now, I want to be nice to him, and actually give him something, and he's like an eel. I just can't grab onto him. It's infuriating.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14803
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Karen
Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14804
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Jim
Well... yes, that's probably what it is. So what do I do?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14805
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Karen
Hmm... I don't know. Maybe you should go back out there and sell paper so we can go on a trip.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14806
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Kevin
Michael, here's the, uh, $15 I owe you.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14807
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Michael
Oh, thank you.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14808
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Kevin
Yeah. I heard you might need it. So...
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14809
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Creed
Here's the $40 you gave me.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14810
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Michael
I didn't give you $40.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14811
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Creed
In a way you did.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14812
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Stanley
Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he's way overpaid.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14813
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Darryl
Fourteen years. Fourteen. I know. Ok, alright. I gotta go. Later.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14814
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Michael
Okay. Okay, here's the straight... dope. No tricks. No Wikipedia.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14815
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Darryl
What?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14816
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Michael
I talked to corporate, and they told me that I can only give you a 5% raise.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14817
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Darryl
That's 'cause of you, Mike. They're not gonna give the workin' man more than the boss.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14818
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Michael
Well what am I supposed to do?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14819
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Darryl
Get your own raise. You gotta get out there and earn, son.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14820
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Michael
I'm not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now. That is ridiculous.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14821
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Darryl
Well, when they merged the two branches together, they put
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14822
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Michael
That's true.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14823
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Darryl
Yeah that's true. You gotta call your girl, and get paid. Show her who wears the pants in the relationship.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14824
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Michael
You know what? I should.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14825
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Darryl
Yeah, you should.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14826
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Michael
I have been a loyal employee for a long time.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14827
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Darryl
Fourteen years long.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14828
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Michael
You know what? I deserve a bump.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14829
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Darryl
Make it happen, cap'in.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14830
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Michael
I am makin' it happen, sergeant.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14831
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Creed
I remember it was very late at night, like 11, 11:30. Big fella comes in screamin' about God knows what. I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car. Something like that. So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter---
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14832
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Angela
You're useless.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14833
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Jan
Why don't we talk next month, after the quarter ends?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14834
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Michael
No, Jan. I've never asked for a raise in 14 years. This is long overdue. I wanna do it today.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14835
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Jan
Today. All right, well, uh, if you want to do it today, we should meet in person, and uh, can you get here by five?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14836
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Michael
Yshhyah. Um, yeah. I'll leave right away.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14837
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Jan
Great. Uh, and listen. Because of our, uh, our... you know, situation, we're gonna need to have a third party present.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14838
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Michael
Yes, I'm bringing Darryl.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14839
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Jan
Da--- Darryl from the warehouse?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14840
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Michael
Mm-hm.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14841
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Jan
No, Michael. We, we need an HR rep. So, uh, I think you should just bring Toby.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14842
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Michael
Hey, I'd rather kill myself.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14843
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Jan
Michael, he's your branch's HR rep...
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14844
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Michael
No, Toby is terrible. Toby is the worst human being I've ever known.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14845
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Jan
...and we need someone else, in the room, because of our relationship. You know this. Michael, either Toby comes with you, or we don't do it.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14846
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Michael
Fine.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14847
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Kelly
You are so mean.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14848
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Ryan
I don't know what you're talking about.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14849
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Kelly
Yes you do, Ryan Bailey Howard. You called me stupid.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14850
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Ryan
No, I said your idea was stupid.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14851
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Michael
Toby, come on. Let's go.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14852
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Toby
Where?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14853
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Michael
Where? I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14854
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Kelly
What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14855
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Toby
Alright.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14856
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Kelly
Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14857
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Ryan
Don't you see why that's insane?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14858
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Kelly
Oh, so I'm crazy now?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14859
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Darryl
Comfortable, Mike?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14860
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Michael
Yeah. Fine.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14861
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Darryl
How about you, man. Comfortable?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14862
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Toby
No.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14863
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Michael
Don't ever touch a black man's radio! ...Chris Tucker.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14864
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Darryl
Thank you.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14865
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Michael
Well...
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14866
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Darryl
I haven't been to New York in a long time.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14867
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Michael
Mm, the Big Apple.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14868
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Darryl
Maybe I'll stay overnight. Got a cousin lives down there.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14869
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Toby
How would we get home?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14870
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Darryl
Oh you could stay too. He's got a big place.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14871
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Michael
Maybe I'll stay.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14872
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Darryl
Mm, it's not that big.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14873
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Michael
Well...
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14874
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Darryl
Busses, though. They get you home quick.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14875
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Michael
Oh, I...
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14876
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Kelly
And all of a sudden, Dwight stood up and was like 'No!'
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14877
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Angela
Then what'd he do?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14878
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Kelly
You should just read the report that Toby did. He took everyone's stories. Dunder Mifflin, customer service, this is Kelly. Oh yeah I could totally help you with that. Ok, let me just get the folder out. Okay, it seems here that you ordered 12,000 reams of paper. Oh, 12 reams...
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14879
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Hunter
Hey guys, Jan is ready for you.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14880
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Darryl
Okay, bring it home now. And don't forget the new black man phrase I taught you.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14881
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Michael
Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14882
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Darryl
Yes sir. Remember that. I'll be right outside if you need me
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14883
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Michael
All right.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14884
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Darryl
Yeah, I taught Mike some new phrases. I want him to get the raise, I... just can't help myself.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14885
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Roy
Hey man, uh... I'm sorry. Thanks. Can I, like, see you after work for coffee, or... something?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14886
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Pam
I don't know.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14887
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Roy
Please. I just got some stuff I gotta say to you.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14888
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Kevin
Jim--- Roy--- Look out!
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14889
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Jim
Thanks, Kev. I'm good though.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14890
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Jan
Thank you, Hunter. Hello. Come in. Ah, Okay.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14891
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Michael
Who's the boy toy?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14892
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Jan
That's my new assistant.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14893
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Michael
Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14894
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Jan
I have to call you the second I get a new assistant?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14895
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Michael
Be nice to get a memo, we are lovers.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14896
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Toby
Hi, Jan.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14897
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Jan
Hi, Toby. First--- First off, Michael, this is a salary negotiation. All matters regarding our personal relationship have to be set aside. Are we clear?
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14898
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Michael
Pippity poppity.
Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14899