Every line from The Office season 3, episode 14, in script order. First aired February 1, 2007.
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Michael
Hello son. If you're watching this, that means I'm already dead. Life is a road---
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13568
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Dwight
How do you know it's going to be a boy?
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13569
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Michael
How, would you stop interrupting please?
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13570
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Michael
Yesterday I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an epiphery. Life is precious. And if I die I want my son to know the dealio. The dealio of life.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13571
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Michael
Here are some things that I want to teach you that your mother won't be able to.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13572
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Michael
To jump start a car, first pop the hood. Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then you take these and clip them wherever.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13573
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Dwight
[Shakes head]
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13574
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Michael
Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13575
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Pam
What?
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13576
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Michael
We will demonstrate on Pam.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13577
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Pam
No. No.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13578
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Michael
Come on.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13579
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Michael
You just twist your hand until something breaks.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13580
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Dwight
Ow.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13581
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Michael
Well you get the picture. Thanks Pam.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13582
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Michael
And remember no matter what, I will always love you.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13583
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Dwight
What if he's a murderer?
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13584
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Michael
He's not going to be a murderer.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13585
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Dwight
Maybe that's how you die.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13586
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Michael
You know what, Dwight, do you want to do this, or no?
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13587
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Dwight
I want to do this.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13588
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Michael
Okay. From the top. Ready? Three-
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13589
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Dwight
Action.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13590
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Michael
Hello everyone! As you know, we are six days away from Phyllis' wedding. So get your suits to the dry cleaner and get your hair did. And Karen, um, you might want to invest in a dress or a skirt of some kind if you don't already have one. This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever. It is my job to ensure that none of you look like ragamuffins. So I am instituting prima nocta.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13591
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Jim
Prima nocta, I believe from the movie Braveheart, and confirmed on wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So...
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13592
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Michael
I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13593
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Michael
I'm trying to get everyone excited about Phyllis' wedding because I want her to get people excited about my wedding when the time comes. Which won't be hard, because it's going to be awesome. A lot better than hers, that's for sure. It'll probably be on a boat.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13594
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Michael
What's up spinsters?
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13595
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Angela
Nothing. You know this is a luncheon shower. Girls only.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13596
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Michael
No problem. The guys are having a little shindig of their own in the warehouse. From 2:30 to 3:15. It is the only time that Bob was available. Sort of a guy's night out. A G-N-O if you will. A Gah-No. Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay. Not- not- it's uh, not gay, it's just a, it's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13597
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Karen
I guess Jim and I have had a little bit of a rough patch for the past couple weeks but we had some really good talks and actually now I think that we're better than ever.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13598
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Jim
Karen and I had a long talk last night and the night before that and uh, every night, for the last five nights.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13599
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Pam
Something's up with Jim and Karen. Not that I've been eavesdropping. It's not really any of my business, but I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13600
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Todd Packer
Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever. Hey everybody it's me, Jim. Hello, hello. Todd Packer.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13601
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Karen
Karen Fillipelli. Jim's girlfriend.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13602
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Todd Packer
Shut up!
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13603
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Karen
Yep.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13604
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Todd Packer
Shut it!
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13605
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Karen
That's rude.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13606
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Todd Packer
Either this chick is a dude or Halpert got scared straight!
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13607
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Michael
Yes. Yes! Oh! There-oh!
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13608
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Todd Packer
What happened?
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13609
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Michael
Oh God-
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13610
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Todd Packer
Quick somebody help! Help the man!
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13611
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Michael
No, no, no!
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13612
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Michael
I can't believe you're not going to be there. It's going to be good, it's going to be a great bachelor party man.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13613
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Todd Packer
I have a full day of sales calls.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13614
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Michael
You should get out of them.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13615
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Todd Packer
[Breaks pencil.]
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13616
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Michael
It's the only time he can do it. 2:30 to 3:15. It's going to be great. We're going to be doing some darts, we're going to be grilling up some steaks, got some pie. Going to be very delicious.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13617
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Todd Packer
And what kind of stripper did you get?
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13618
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Michael
I did not order a stripper.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13619
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Todd Packer
You didn't order a stripper? Have you ever even been to a bachelor party?
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13620
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Michael
Um, not personally, no.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13621
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Todd Packer
Mike, okay, a stripper is bachelor party 101. If you don't get a stripper your party is going to suck it hard.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13622
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Michael
I can't get a stripper here. Sexual Harassment.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13623
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Todd Packer
Just get one for the girls too. That evens it out. You know, separate but equal.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13624
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Michael
So that's what that means.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13625
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Michael
Okay everybody, slight change of plans, we are still going to be having two parties but each is going to get a little extra dose of naught-ay. Uh!
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13626
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Dwight
Alright! Uh!
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13627
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Michael
Gay.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13628
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Dwight
What?
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13629
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Michael
Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13630
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Angela
Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13631
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Meredith
SHUT UP ANGELA!
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13632
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Pam
Hey.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13633
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Jim
Hey.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13634
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Pam
Ugh.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13635
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Jim
Ugh.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13636
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Pam
Everything okay?
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13637
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Jim
Oh yeah. Why?
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13638
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Pam
Well you seem a little tired.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13639
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Jim
Oh. Yeah well, I guess there's been a couple late nights. Karen and I have been up talking.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13640
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Pam
You should get more sleep.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13641
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Jim
Yeah, I know I should.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13642
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Pam
Never underestimate the power of a good night's sleep.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13643
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Jim
No, I'm sure you're right.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13644
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Pam
When I get eight hours, compared to like six hours, like, big difference.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13645
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Jim
Really?
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13646
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Pam
Oh yeah. Gotta get your REM cycle going with the whole sleeping. Better than not.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13647
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Jim
Good advice Beesley. Thanks. See you out there.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13648
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Pam
Yeah. Don't fall asleep at your desk. Oh my God.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13649
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Michael
Okay. We are off. Ryan and I are going to go get some supplies and I need you to handle hiring the strippers.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13650
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Jim
Absolutely not.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13651
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Dwight
I'm on it.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13652
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Michael
Well get on it. And make it happen.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13653
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Dwight
Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles, no tats. No, TATS. Of course I want-
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13654
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Jim
Stop. That's disgusting.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13655
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Dwight
Leave me alone and get the male stripper.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13656
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Jim
Fine.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13657
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Dwight
I knew you would, Nancy.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13658
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Jim
Sally.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13659
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Dwight
No preference, what do you think redhead or brunette?
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13660
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Jim
Blonde.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13661
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Dwight
Nice. Do you have any blonde women?
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13662
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Michael
[Giggles.]
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13663
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Ryan
He hasn't even said a word yet. Just giggling.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13664
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Michael
Gotcha, oh! Yes?
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13665
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Jim
Are you okay?
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13666
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Michael
I'm in the, I'm in the sex shop.
Season 3 · Episode 14 · Line 13667