Every quote from The Office season 2, episode 9, in script order. First aired November 22, 2005.
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Michael
It is Friday morning and it is another beautiful day in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Oh my God. Ohhh. Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. Oh, we have a serious problem here. Alright everybody, lock the doors, turn off the lights. Pretend you're not here.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4898
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Jim
Are we in danger?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4899
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Michael
There's no time to think about if this is real. Just, shh, everybody.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4900
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Kevin
Michael, should I call the... What?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4901
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Michael
The IT tech guy and me did not get off to a great start.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4902
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Michael
Yeah, I tried to install it myself, but, uh, you guys have these things so password-protected...
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4903
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Sadiq (IT guy)
That just means you have to enter your password.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4904
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Michael
Oh...
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4905
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Sadiq (IT guy)
What's your password, Michael?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4906
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Michael
Oh, umm...
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4907
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Sadiq (IT guy)
Oh, it's 1-2-3.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4908
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Michael
Yes.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4909
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Dwight
Mi-
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4910
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Michael
AH! Guh-oood.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4911
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Dwight
Sorry.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4912
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Michael
Please don't do that.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4913
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Dwight
Ok, I'm sorry. What is going on in there? Why is he here? What are you doing?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4914
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Michael
I can't tell you.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4915
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Dwight
You have to tell me.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4916
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Michael
I don't have to tell you anything.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4917
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Dwight
Look, Michael, I know you don't want to have to think about this, but if something were to happen to you, God forbid, then I would need to know in order to take over.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4918
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Michael
Dwight, nothing is going to happen to me, ok? I'm in the best shape of my life. Look at this. Brrr! That's strong!
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4919
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Dwight
Yeah, but that doesn't matter, you could get a brain aneurysm-
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4920
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Michael
I'm not going get a brain-
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4921
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Dwight
Or get hit by a car-
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4922
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Michael
Stop it.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4923
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Dwight
Or a bus or a train. Get poisoned, fall in a well, step on a mine, choke.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4924
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Michael
Uh, oh, ok; if I step on a mine in Scranton, Pennsylvania, and die, you can have my job, ok? Why don't you just go... away?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4925
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Michael
There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary, that would depress them. His bed, it--- And I am not going to tell them that I'll be reading their e-mails.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4926
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Michael
So how do you search?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4927
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Sadiq (IT guy)
By keyword phrase.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4928
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Michael
Try 'profits'. No! Try 'Michael Scott'. 'Michael' 'boss' and 'funny'. Oh my God, wow! E-mail from Stanley. Stanley, Terribly nice guy. 'Sorry I didn't write back sooner; I can't go to the game tonight because my boss Michael is an ass and making me stay late.' Well, Stanley's an ass. Not one of our harder workers.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4929
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Oscar
Hey, what's the deal, Michael? Why are you spying on our computers?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4930
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Michael
Oh, no, everybody; Oscar's gone crazy! What other ghost stories do you have for us? That I'm a robot? I will destroy everything in my path-
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4931
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Oscar
Actually, it's just-
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4932
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Michael
Beep! Bop!
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4933
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Oscar
Ok...
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4934
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Michael
Bommmm. Bop! Onk onk. Oil can. Oil can.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4935
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Oscar
Tin Man. Actually we just a got a memo from IT saying you're doing e-mail surveillance.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4936
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Michael
Oh, what? No. That defeats the whole purpose.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4937
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Dwight
So it's true? You have access to our e-mails?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4938
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Michael
You know what the problem is?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4939
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Stanley
I think I do.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4940
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Michael
The problem is that when people hear the term 'big brother', they immediately think it's scary or bad, but I don't. I think, wow, I love my big brother.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4941
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Kevin
I gotta erase a lotta stuff. A lot of stuff.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4942
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Dwight
Oh hey, just so ya know, if you have a lot of sensitive e-mails, they need to be deleted immediately.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4943
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Angela
I know.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4944
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Dwight
Good.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4945
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Pam
Hey. Something just happened. Dwight just told Angela that she has to deleted all of her sensitive e-mails immediately.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4946
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Jim
What?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4947
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Pam
I know!
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4948
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Jim
Hmm...
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4949
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Pam
Do you think that they're like-
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4950
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Jim
No.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4951
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Pam
No, right, no, no.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4952
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Jim
[humming]
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4953
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Pam
Uhhh, ew, ew, ew... .Maybe?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4954
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Pam
It's like squishing a spider under a book. It's gonna be really gross but I have to look and make sure that it's really dead. Sooo... If you guys see anything... ?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4955
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Pam
Hey, Dwight, um, my friend is kinda into these two girls that he works with.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4956
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Dwight
Nice.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4957
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Pam
One is tall and brunette, and the other one is short, and blonde, and perky, and kinda judgmental. Who do you think he should choose?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4958
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Dwight
Does he have access to their medical records?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4959
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Pam
Ummmm...
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4960
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Dwight
I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections. There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we are down river from that old bread factory.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4961
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Michael
Meredith has an E-vite from Jim. Barbeque at Jim's tonight. Tonight? Wonder where my e-vitation is. Click on guest list. Angela, Stanley, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Kevin, Creed. Must be... .No.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4962
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Pam
Hey, Angela-
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4963
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Angela
Hi.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4964
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Pam
How's it going?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4965
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Angela
It's ok.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4966
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Pam
Listen, are you bringing anyone to Jim's party tonight?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4967
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Angela
No. Are we supposed to?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4968
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Pam
No. I mean, I don't know, I don't think so.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4969
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Angela
Hmm... Excuse me.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4970
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Pam
Oh.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4971
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Michael
There's always a distance between a boss and the employees. It is just nature's rule. It's intimidation mostly, it's the awareness that they are not me. I do think that I am very approachable, as one of the guys. But maybe I need to be even approachabler.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4972
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Kevin
That's pretty young.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4973
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Pam
Yeah.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4974
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Kevin
Are you gonna eat with us?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4975
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Michael
Of course. Hangin' with my crew, crew that I am one of. Hangin' with my Cup of Noodles. This is a meal in a cup.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4976
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Jim
Uh hum.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4977
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Michael
Hot, tasty. Reminds me of college. Lived on this stuff. Brain food. Mmmm... You know what I really, really miss about college? The parties. Everybody'd go. The athletes, the, the nerds, professors.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4978
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Pam
The professors would go to the parties?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4979
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Michael
Yeah! They were the most fun. We always invited them.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4980
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Jim
It's true. I'm having a party. I've got three cases of imported beer, a karaoke machine, and I didn't invite Michael. So three ingredients for a great party. And it's nothing personal, I just think that if he were there, people wouldn't be able to relax, and you know, have fun, and my roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks that I'm making Dwight up. He is very real.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4981
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Pam
What? Ohhhh... Yes! Thank you!
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4982
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Dwight
Question: on the Internet there are several different options to get to your house for the party tonight-
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4983
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Jim
Oh, uh, no. Could-
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4984
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Dwight
I was wondering-
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4985
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Jim
Could, keep that down.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4986
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Dwight
Why?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4987
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Jim
Because not everybody knows about the party.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4988
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Dwight
Like who? Who doesn't know?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4989
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Jim
Umm, Michael.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4990
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Dwight
Why just Michael?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4991
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Jim
Because it's a surprise.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4992
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Dwight
Is it?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4993
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Jim
Uh hmm.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4994
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Dwight
Oh, that's perfect!
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4995
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Jim
So, don't tell.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4996
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Dwight
I won't.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4997