Every line from The Office season 2, episode 9, in script order. First aired November 22, 2005.
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Michael
It is Friday morning and it is another beautiful day in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Oh my God. Ohhh. Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. Oh, we have a serious problem here. Alright everybody, lock the doors, turn off the lights. Pretend you're not here.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4898
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Jim
Are we in danger?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4899
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Michael
There's no time to think about if this is real. Just, shh, everybody.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4900
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Kevin
Michael, should I call the... What?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4901
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Michael
The IT tech guy and me did not get off to a great start.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4902
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Michael
Yeah, I tried to install it myself, but, uh, you guys have these things so password-protected...
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4903
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Sadiq (IT guy)
That just means you have to enter your password.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4904
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Michael
Oh...
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4905
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Sadiq (IT guy)
What's your password, Michael?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4906
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Michael
Oh, umm...
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4907
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Sadiq (IT guy)
Oh, it's 1-2-3.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4908
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Michael
Yes.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4909
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Dwight
Mi-
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4910
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Michael
AH! Guh-oood.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4911
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Dwight
Sorry.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4912
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Michael
Please don't do that.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4913
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Dwight
Ok, I'm sorry. What is going on in there? Why is he here? What are you doing?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4914
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Michael
I can't tell you.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4915
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Dwight
You have to tell me.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4916
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Michael
I don't have to tell you anything.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4917
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Dwight
Look, Michael, I know you don't want to have to think about this, but if something were to happen to you, God forbid, then I would need to know in order to take over.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4918
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Michael
Dwight, nothing is going to happen to me, ok? I'm in the best shape of my life. Look at this. Brrr! That's strong!
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4919
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Dwight
Yeah, but that doesn't matter, you could get a brain aneurysm-
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4920
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Michael
I'm not going get a brain-
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4921
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Dwight
Or get hit by a car-
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4922
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Michael
Stop it.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4923
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Dwight
Or a bus or a train. Get poisoned, fall in a well, step on a mine, choke.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4924
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Michael
Uh, oh, ok; if I step on a mine in Scranton, Pennsylvania, and die, you can have my job, ok? Why don't you just go... away?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4925
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Michael
There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary, that would depress them. His bed, it--- And I am not going to tell them that I'll be reading their e-mails.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4926
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Michael
So how do you search?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4927
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Sadiq (IT guy)
By keyword phrase.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4928
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Michael
Try 'profits'. No! Try 'Michael Scott'. 'Michael' 'boss' and 'funny'. Oh my God, wow! E-mail from Stanley. Stanley, Terribly nice guy. 'Sorry I didn't write back sooner; I can't go to the game tonight because my boss Michael is an ass and making me stay late.' Well, Stanley's an ass. Not one of our harder workers.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4929
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Oscar
Hey, what's the deal, Michael? Why are you spying on our computers?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4930
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Michael
Oh, no, everybody; Oscar's gone crazy! What other ghost stories do you have for us? That I'm a robot? I will destroy everything in my path-
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4931
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Oscar
Actually, it's just-
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4932
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Michael
Beep! Bop!
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4933
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Oscar
Ok...
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4934
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Michael
Bommmm. Bop! Onk onk. Oil can. Oil can.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4935
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Oscar
Tin Man. Actually we just a got a memo from IT saying you're doing e-mail surveillance.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4936
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Michael
Oh, what? No. That defeats the whole purpose.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4937
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Dwight
So it's true? You have access to our e-mails?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4938
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Michael
You know what the problem is?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4939
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Stanley
I think I do.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4940
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Michael
The problem is that when people hear the term 'big brother', they immediately think it's scary or bad, but I don't. I think, wow, I love my big brother.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4941
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Kevin
I gotta erase a lotta stuff. A lot of stuff.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4942
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Dwight
Oh hey, just so ya know, if you have a lot of sensitive e-mails, they need to be deleted immediately.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4943
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Angela
I know.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4944
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Dwight
Good.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4945
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Pam
Hey. Something just happened. Dwight just told Angela that she has to deleted all of her sensitive e-mails immediately.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4946
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Jim
What?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4947
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Pam
I know!
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4948
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Jim
Hmm...
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4949
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Pam
Do you think that they're like-
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4950
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Jim
No.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4951
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Pam
No, right, no, no.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4952
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Jim
[humming]
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4953
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Pam
Uhhh, ew, ew, ew... .Maybe?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4954
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Pam
It's like squishing a spider under a book. It's gonna be really gross but I have to look and make sure that it's really dead. Sooo... If you guys see anything... ?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4955
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Pam
Hey, Dwight, um, my friend is kinda into these two girls that he works with.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4956
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Dwight
Nice.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4957
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Pam
One is tall and brunette, and the other one is short, and blonde, and perky, and kinda judgmental. Who do you think he should choose?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4958
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Dwight
Does he have access to their medical records?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4959
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Pam
Ummmm...
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4960
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Dwight
I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections. There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we are down river from that old bread factory.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4961
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Michael
Meredith has an E-vite from Jim. Barbeque at Jim's tonight. Tonight? Wonder where my e-vitation is. Click on guest list. Angela, Stanley, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Kevin, Creed. Must be... .No.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4962
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Pam
Hey, Angela-
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4963
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Angela
Hi.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4964
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Pam
How's it going?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4965
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Angela
It's ok.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4966
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Pam
Listen, are you bringing anyone to Jim's party tonight?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4967
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Angela
No. Are we supposed to?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4968
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Pam
No. I mean, I don't know, I don't think so.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4969
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Angela
Hmm... Excuse me.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4970
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Pam
Oh.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4971
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Michael
There's always a distance between a boss and the employees. It is just nature's rule. It's intimidation mostly, it's the awareness that they are not me. I do think that I am very approachable, as one of the guys. But maybe I need to be even approachabler.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4972
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Kevin
That's pretty young.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4973
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Pam
Yeah.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4974
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Kevin
Are you gonna eat with us?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4975
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Michael
Of course. Hangin' with my crew, crew that I am one of. Hangin' with my Cup of Noodles. This is a meal in a cup.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4976
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Jim
Uh hum.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4977
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Michael
Hot, tasty. Reminds me of college. Lived on this stuff. Brain food. Mmmm... You know what I really, really miss about college? The parties. Everybody'd go. The athletes, the, the nerds, professors.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4978
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Pam
The professors would go to the parties?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4979
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Michael
Yeah! They were the most fun. We always invited them.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4980
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Jim
It's true. I'm having a party. I've got three cases of imported beer, a karaoke machine, and I didn't invite Michael. So three ingredients for a great party. And it's nothing personal, I just think that if he were there, people wouldn't be able to relax, and you know, have fun, and my roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks that I'm making Dwight up. He is very real.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4981
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Pam
What? Ohhhh... Yes! Thank you!
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4982
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Dwight
Question: on the Internet there are several different options to get to your house for the party tonight-
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4983
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Jim
Oh, uh, no. Could-
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4984
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Dwight
I was wondering-
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4985
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Jim
Could, keep that down.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4986
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Dwight
Why?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4987
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Jim
Because not everybody knows about the party.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4988
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Dwight
Like who? Who doesn't know?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4989
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Jim
Umm, Michael.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4990
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Dwight
Why just Michael?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4991
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Jim
Because it's a surprise.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4992
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Dwight
Is it?
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4993
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Jim
Uh hmm.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4994
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Dwight
Oh, that's perfect!
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4995
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Jim
So, don't tell.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4996
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Dwight
I won't.
Season 2 · Episode 9 · Line 4997