Every quote from The Office season 2, episode 5, in script order. First aired October 18, 2005.
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Michael
It's not a popularity contest. Although it does make sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3607
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Dwight
One of the warehouse guys.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3608
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Michael
What? There was someone left off that list? Who?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3609
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Dwight
Who is he saying?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3610
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Michael
You're right, I didn't even think of him.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3611
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Dwight
No, Michael.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3612
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Michael
Yeah, that's actually a really good idea.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3613
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Dwight
No, not me.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3614
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Michael
Yeah... I could.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3615
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Dwight
Not Dwight.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3616
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Michael
I'm not saying that's what he said.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3617
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Dwight
I know that's what he said.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3618
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Michael
What?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3619
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Dwight
Tell him, not Dwight.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3620
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Michael
That is not a very nice thing to say about him.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3621
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Dwight
Tell him to stop.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3622
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Michael
Are you kidding?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3623
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Dwight
Quiet, you.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3624
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Michael
I agree. He'd land on his feet.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3625
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Dwight
Make him be quiet.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3626
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Angela
Those aren't chips and dip.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3627
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Pam
No, I made brownies.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3628
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Angela
Uh!
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3629
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Pam
... What?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3630
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Angela
I'm just trying to figure out why you're sabotaging things.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3631
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Pam
I made brownies.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3632
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Angela
And I made cookies. Same category.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3633
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Pam
I'm guessing Angela's the one in the neighborhood who gives the trick-or-treaters some toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3634
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Pam
Dunder-Mifflin. This is Pam. Uh, yeah. Just one second. I will, uh, transfer you to our manager, Michael Scott.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3635
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Jim
Um... Whoa.Michael Scott here. Yes, I am regional manager of this orifice. Mmm hmm. Dwight Schrute is amazing. Yeah. No, he is actually the single greatest employee of his generation. Mm hmm. You know what? I'm gonna tell you what. You hire Dwight K. Schrute, and if he does not meet, nay, exceed every one of your wildest expectations, well then, you can hold me, Michael Gary Scott, personally and financially responsible. Okay. Okay. Okay-kay-kay-kay-kay. Okay.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3636
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Dwight
Stanley, could you come with me, please.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3637
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Stanley
No.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3638
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Dwight
As Assistant Regional Manager...
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3639
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Stanley
To the.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3640
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Dwight
Look! I've got some bad news. You're fired. You need to pack up your things and go. I'm serious, Stanley. It's over. I'm sorry.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3641
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Stanley
You're fired. Get your fingers off my phone.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3642
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Michael
So. How did it go with Stanley? How... how'd he take it?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3643
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Dwight
He wouldn't listen to me
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3644
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Michael
Ahh, come on.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3645
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Dwight
If you want to fire him, you're going to have to tell him yourself.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3646
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Michael
I don't wanna fire Stanley. I never said that. I'm certainly not going to do it myself. Get those big, baleful, eyes staring at me. Yikes. Just, okay, just...
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3647
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Dwight
Cumberland Mills?! And how did you get my resume? Oh no, no. I'm very flattered. Don't get me wrong. I'm just not sure that it's my official resume or if it's something that maybe a satisfied customer posted online. What does it say under martial arts training? Oh. Okay, I'm gonna have to supplement that. Could I have your fax number?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3648
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Dwight
Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm getting paid for here is my loyalty. But, if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3649
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Oscar
Oh... hey.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3650
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Ryan
Oh, your dress is stuck in the back. Kind of just...
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3651
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Oscar
Oh.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3652
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Dwight
So you got the fax? So why didn't you add it to the res... ? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh, excuse me! I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell, too. And I will see you there... burning. Fine! Okay... oh wait! So you'll let me know when you've made a decis...
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3653
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Pam
Jim is really talented. And he should be the one who's getting a better job offer. Like, for real.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3654
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Pam
Don't take this the wrong way, but... you should go for that job.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3655
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Jim
Um... it's in Maryland.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3656
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Pam
Yeah, but I mean, look at the salary. And it's definitely a step up. And a challenge.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3657
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Jim
Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Maybe... maybe I will.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3658
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Pam
Jim...
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3659
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Dwight
This is called leveraging an offer. Michael, can I talk to you for a moment?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3660
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Michael
Oh, God.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3661
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Dwight
I just thought you should know that I was just offered a job with better pay, better benefits and a better title at Cumberland Mills.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3662
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Michael
Fantastic!
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3663
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Dwight
And I turned it down.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3664
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Michael
What?! That would've solved all my problems.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3665
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Dwight
Out of loyalty to this company...
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3666
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Michael
Oh, you idiot.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3667
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Dwight
... so I was hoping to be made Assistant Regional Manager officially.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3668
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Michael
If you left, I wouldn't have to fire anybody.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3669
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Dwight
But then you wouldn't have me here.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3670
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Michael
Big deal. Oh, it would've worked out so well. Can you get it back?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3671
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Dwight
It's in Maryland.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3672
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Michael
You can call. Can you call 'em?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3673
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Dwight
I can't. I... I suppose I coul... no. They never really made me an offer anyway.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3674
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Michael
Wohahah! Why are you torturing me?! God.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3675
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Jim
Honestly, I don't think Michael has the slightest clue of who he's gonna fire. I think he keeps hoping that someone's going to volunteer. Uh, or be run over by a bus before the deadline. But in the end, really, what's going to happen is it's gonna be the first person to give him a dirty look in the hall. And therein lies the true essence of his charisma.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3676
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Michael
Can I speak to you a minute?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3677
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Jim
Um... yes.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3678
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Jim
Michael, I really didn't mean to...
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3679
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Michael
Help. Me.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3680
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Jim
I'm sorry?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3681
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Michael
I want you to role play firing me. I want you to fire me, and I will take it.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3682
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Jim
Oh, you want me to be you?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3683
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Michael
Yes.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3684
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Jim
Okay.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3685
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Michael
I want you to be me, and I will be Creed.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3686
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Jim
Oh, are you firing Creed?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3687
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Michael
No, no, no. That's just the first thing... came... in head.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3688
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Jim
We should switch seats in order to...
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3689
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Michael
Yes, that's a good idea.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3690
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Jim
Alright. Excuse me.I'm really sorry, but I have to let you go. And it's purely budgetary. It's not personal...
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3691
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Michael
Aaaahh! I'm gonna kill myself!
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3692
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Jim
Wow.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3693
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Michael
I'm going to kill myself, and it's your fault!
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3694
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Jim
That's an overreaction.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3695
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Michael
Corporate is really breathing down my neck. And they're saying this has to be done by the end of the month.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3696
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Jim
Is this you? Are you being you, or is this Creed? Are you...
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3697
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Michael
I... this is Creed.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3698
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Jim
Okay.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3699
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Michael
I'm improvising, so just try to keep up.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3700
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Jim
Oh, hold that thought. Hold that thought.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3701
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Michael
And I'm very angry, and I want...
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3702
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Jim
Michael Scott here.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3703
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Michael
I'm gonna kill you. I'm going to kill you for firing me.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3704
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Jim
Toby? Mm hmm. I really have to take this Creed, so it was really worth...
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3705
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Michael
Get off, get off. No, no. OK.. just get off.Just, just... yeah.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3706