Every line from The Office season 2, episode 5, in script order. First aired October 18, 2005.
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Michael
It's not a popularity contest. Although it does make sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3607
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Dwight
One of the warehouse guys.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3608
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Michael
What? There was someone left off that list? Who?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3609
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Dwight
Who is he saying?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3610
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Michael
You're right, I didn't even think of him.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3611
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Dwight
No, Michael.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3612
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Michael
Yeah, that's actually a really good idea.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3613
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Dwight
No, not me.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3614
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Michael
Yeah... I could.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3615
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Dwight
Not Dwight.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3616
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Michael
I'm not saying that's what he said.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3617
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Dwight
I know that's what he said.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3618
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Michael
What?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3619
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Dwight
Tell him, not Dwight.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3620
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Michael
That is not a very nice thing to say about him.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3621
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Dwight
Tell him to stop.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3622
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Michael
Are you kidding?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3623
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Dwight
Quiet, you.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3624
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Michael
I agree. He'd land on his feet.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3625
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Dwight
Make him be quiet.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3626
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Angela
Those aren't chips and dip.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3627
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Pam
No, I made brownies.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3628
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Angela
Uh!
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3629
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Pam
... What?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3630
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Angela
I'm just trying to figure out why you're sabotaging things.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3631
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Pam
I made brownies.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3632
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Angela
And I made cookies. Same category.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3633
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Pam
I'm guessing Angela's the one in the neighborhood who gives the trick-or-treaters some toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3634
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Pam
Dunder-Mifflin. This is Pam. Uh, yeah. Just one second. I will, uh, transfer you to our manager, Michael Scott.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3635
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Jim
Um... Whoa.Michael Scott here. Yes, I am regional manager of this orifice. Mmm hmm. Dwight Schrute is amazing. Yeah. No, he is actually the single greatest employee of his generation. Mm hmm. You know what? I'm gonna tell you what. You hire Dwight K. Schrute, and if he does not meet, nay, exceed every one of your wildest expectations, well then, you can hold me, Michael Gary Scott, personally and financially responsible. Okay. Okay. Okay-kay-kay-kay-kay. Okay.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3636
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Dwight
Stanley, could you come with me, please.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3637
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Stanley
No.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3638
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Dwight
As Assistant Regional Manager...
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3639
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Stanley
To the.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3640
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Dwight
Look! I've got some bad news. You're fired. You need to pack up your things and go. I'm serious, Stanley. It's over. I'm sorry.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3641
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Stanley
You're fired. Get your fingers off my phone.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3642
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Michael
So. How did it go with Stanley? How... how'd he take it?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3643
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Dwight
He wouldn't listen to me
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3644
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Michael
Ahh, come on.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3645
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Dwight
If you want to fire him, you're going to have to tell him yourself.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3646
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Michael
I don't wanna fire Stanley. I never said that. I'm certainly not going to do it myself. Get those big, baleful, eyes staring at me. Yikes. Just, okay, just...
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3647
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Dwight
Cumberland Mills?! And how did you get my resume? Oh no, no. I'm very flattered. Don't get me wrong. I'm just not sure that it's my official resume or if it's something that maybe a satisfied customer posted online. What does it say under martial arts training? Oh. Okay, I'm gonna have to supplement that. Could I have your fax number?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3648
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Dwight
Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm getting paid for here is my loyalty. But, if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3649
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Oscar
Oh... hey.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3650
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Ryan
Oh, your dress is stuck in the back. Kind of just...
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3651
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Oscar
Oh.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3652
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Dwight
So you got the fax? So why didn't you add it to the res... ? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh, excuse me! I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell, too. And I will see you there... burning. Fine! Okay... oh wait! So you'll let me know when you've made a decis...
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3653
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Pam
Jim is really talented. And he should be the one who's getting a better job offer. Like, for real.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3654
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Pam
Don't take this the wrong way, but... you should go for that job.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3655
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Jim
Um... it's in Maryland.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3656
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Pam
Yeah, but I mean, look at the salary. And it's definitely a step up. And a challenge.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3657
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Jim
Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Maybe... maybe I will.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3658
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Pam
Jim...
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3659
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Dwight
This is called leveraging an offer. Michael, can I talk to you for a moment?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3660
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Michael
Oh, God.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3661
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Dwight
I just thought you should know that I was just offered a job with better pay, better benefits and a better title at Cumberland Mills.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3662
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Michael
Fantastic!
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3663
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Dwight
And I turned it down.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3664
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Michael
What?! That would've solved all my problems.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3665
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Dwight
Out of loyalty to this company...
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3666
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Michael
Oh, you idiot.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3667
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Dwight
... so I was hoping to be made Assistant Regional Manager officially.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3668
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Michael
If you left, I wouldn't have to fire anybody.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3669
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Dwight
But then you wouldn't have me here.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3670
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Michael
Big deal. Oh, it would've worked out so well. Can you get it back?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3671
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Dwight
It's in Maryland.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3672
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Michael
You can call. Can you call 'em?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3673
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Dwight
I can't. I... I suppose I coul... no. They never really made me an offer anyway.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3674
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Michael
Wohahah! Why are you torturing me?! God.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3675
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Jim
Honestly, I don't think Michael has the slightest clue of who he's gonna fire. I think he keeps hoping that someone's going to volunteer. Uh, or be run over by a bus before the deadline. But in the end, really, what's going to happen is it's gonna be the first person to give him a dirty look in the hall. And therein lies the true essence of his charisma.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3676
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Michael
Can I speak to you a minute?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3677
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Jim
Um... yes.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3678
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Jim
Michael, I really didn't mean to...
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3679
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Michael
Help. Me.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3680
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Jim
I'm sorry?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3681
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Michael
I want you to role play firing me. I want you to fire me, and I will take it.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3682
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Jim
Oh, you want me to be you?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3683
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Michael
Yes.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3684
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Jim
Okay.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3685
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Michael
I want you to be me, and I will be Creed.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3686
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Jim
Oh, are you firing Creed?
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3687
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Michael
No, no, no. That's just the first thing... came... in head.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3688
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Jim
We should switch seats in order to...
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3689
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Michael
Yes, that's a good idea.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3690
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Jim
Alright. Excuse me.I'm really sorry, but I have to let you go. And it's purely budgetary. It's not personal...
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3691
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Michael
Aaaahh! I'm gonna kill myself!
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3692
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Jim
Wow.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3693
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Michael
I'm going to kill myself, and it's your fault!
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3694
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Jim
That's an overreaction.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3695
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Michael
Corporate is really breathing down my neck. And they're saying this has to be done by the end of the month.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3696
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Jim
Is this you? Are you being you, or is this Creed? Are you...
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3697
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Michael
I... this is Creed.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3698
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Jim
Okay.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3699
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Michael
I'm improvising, so just try to keep up.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3700
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Jim
Oh, hold that thought. Hold that thought.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3701
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Michael
And I'm very angry, and I want...
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3702
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Jim
Michael Scott here.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3703
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Michael
I'm gonna kill you. I'm going to kill you for firing me.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3704
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Jim
Toby? Mm hmm. I really have to take this Creed, so it was really worth...
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3705
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Michael
Get off, get off. No, no. OK.. just get off.Just, just... yeah.
Season 2 · Episode 5 · Line 3706