Every line from The Office season 2, episode 18, in script order. First aired March 16, 2006.
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Pam
He's not coming out. He won't pick up the phone.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8076
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Jim
Can't believe his mom dressed him like that, that's the real tragedy.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8077
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Roy
Pam! Pam! I love this guy! Come on!
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8078
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Pam
So, Melissa... I met your mom a couple times. She's
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8079
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Melissa
Who? Terry?
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8080
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Pam
Mmhmm.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8081
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Melissa
That woman is not my mother. That is my step-mother.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8082
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Jake
Mister Poop, I have to tell you something.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8083
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Dwight
Uh, okay. But first, that's not my name.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8084
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Jake
You're ugly.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8085
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Dwight
Well at least I'm not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school. So...
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8086
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Jake
Meredith!
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8087
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Michael
Yeah?
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8088
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Toby
I think these belong to you.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8089
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Michael
Oh, that's okay, she can keep those.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8090
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Toby
Believe me, she has enough toys... she doesn't need your watch.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8091
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Michael
Thank you.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8092
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Toby
Is everything okay?
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8093
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Michael
You have to ask me that because you work for human resources.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8094
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Toby
Uh... it's true...
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8095
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Michael
Well, sure, playing the field is great, don't get me wrong, but there's more to life than notches just on my bedpost.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8096
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Toby
Mmhmm.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8097
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Michael
Tell me something honestly, do you... think... that it is too late for me to have kids?
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8098
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Toby
Well, you need a wife first, or at least a girlfriend.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8099
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Michael
What about...
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8100
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Toby
Not Jan.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8101
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Michael
...Jan. Kay.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8102
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Toby
If you really want to have kids, I--- I guess you could somehow... foster parent, or something.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8103
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Michael
...Or biologically.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8104
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Toby
Somehow.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8105
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Michael
Thanks, that's, no, that... that really means a lot to me. Hey, does Sasha have a godfather, because I...
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8106
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Toby
Yes.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8107
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Michael
Oh... kay.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8108
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Jake
Is it okay if I take one?
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8109
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Pam
Sure.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8110
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Jake
Thank you.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8111
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Pam
You're welcome.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8112
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Jake
Is your job hard?
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8113
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Pam
It's not too bad. I get to shred things sometimes, do you want to see?
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8114
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Jake
Yeah!
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8115
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Pam
Really?
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8116
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Jake
Yeah.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8117
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Pam
Okay. Um... here it is. Don't put your fingers in there. Cool huh?
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8118
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Jake
That's so cool, yeah!
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8119
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Pam
Yeah, I get to do this like, every week.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8120
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Jake
That's so awesome!
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8121
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Pam
I know.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8122
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Michael
Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And... I have a great one. Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8123
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Kevin
Go ahead.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8124
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Abby
Do you want to come over for dinner tonight?
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8125
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Jim
Ohh, man, I would love to! I can't tonight, but can I come over some other time?
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8126
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Kevin
What're you doing? You never have plans.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8127
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Jim
Thanks, Kev. Uhm... I'm actually going on a date.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8128
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Kevin
Niiice.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8129
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Michael
Hey, uh, no, please? You can't leave yet. There's still one more thing we need to do.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8130
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Michael
You... who are on the road... must have a code... that you can live by... and so... become yourself... because the past... is just a goodbye... and teach... your children well...
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8131
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Jim
Why does he own a guitar if he doesn't know how to play?
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8132
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Pam
I think he thought his ukulele skills would transfer.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8133
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Michael and Dwight
...did slowly go by... and feed... them on your dreams...
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8134
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Pam
My theory is that...
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8135
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Michael and Dwight
...The one they picked... the one you'll know by... don't you ever ask them why... if I told you would cry... you never look at them and sigh... and know they love you...
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8136
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Dwight
And they do, your parents, love you very much.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8137
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Michael
One more time. You...
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8138
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Dwight
The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden days, the women would bear many children, so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter, and there weren't enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood. They didn't eat the children.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8139
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Angela
Okay. I think five plain and one veggie should be fine.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8140
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Phyllis
How about pepperoni?
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8141
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Angela
No.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8142
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Ryan
I like extra cheese.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8143
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Angela
Absolutely not.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8144
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Pam
I like extra cheese, too.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8145
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Angela
Fine. The first lesson we'll teach children will be about obesity.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8146
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Ryan
Thank you.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8147
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Jim
I'm pretty excited about today. I baby-sit Toby's daughter Sasha sometimes. So, she's the coolest kid. She has seen me play with dolls, though, so I don't know how cool she thinks I am.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8148
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Stanley
Put that away and learn.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8149
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Melissa
Learn what?
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8150
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Stanley
Learn why Daddy's so cranky when he comes home from work.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8151
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Stanley
I brought my daughter Melissa in. That girl is very spoiled. That child has no idea what I have to deal with so she can have her little cell phone and spend all my money at that Steamtown Mall.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8152
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Abby
I'm gonna go read my book now.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8153
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Kevin
Angela. Is it okay if I'm the head accountant today?
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8154
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Angela
I'm the head accountant.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8155
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Kevin
Yeah, but can I say that I'm it, just for today?
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8156
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Angela
I can't set that kind of precedent. She's a bright girl. She'd see right through that.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8157
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Darryl
You must be pretty strong, huh?
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8158
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Jake
Yeah.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8159
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Roy
You think you can beat up Darryl?
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8160
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Jake
Yeah. I don't know, maybe.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8161
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Roy
I think you might be able to.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8162
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Darryl
You think you could beat me up?
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8163
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Jake
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8164
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Darryl
Then you gotta have muscles, man. You got some muscles? Let's see.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8165
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Jake
I got some muscles. You wanna see the muscles? Bam! Look at that.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8166
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Michael
Hey, don't touch him, please!
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8167
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Darryl
Man, you have got to be kidding me.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8168
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Michael
Didn't do background checks of the warehouse guys. Well, I'm sure it'll be fine.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8169
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Jake
Can I have a quarter? I promise I'll pay you back.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8170
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Michael
Sure.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8171
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Jake
Can I have a dollar? Then I can buy chips and a drink.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8172
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Michael
Okay. There you go.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8173
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Jake
Will you marry my mom?
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8174
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Oscar
Melissa. Hey. I was working. I was in the middle of something.
Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8175