Every quote from The Office season 2, episode 1, in script order. First aired September 20, 2005.
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Michael
Tonight is the Dundies, the annual employee awards night here at Dunder Mifflin. And this is everybody's favorite day. Everybody looks forward to it, because, you know, a lot of the people here don't get trophies, very often. Like Meredith or Kevin, I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts? Plus, bonus, it's really, really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he'll tell his neighbor, 'Hey, did you get an award?' And the neighbor will say, 'No man. I mean, I slave all day and nobody notices me.' Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from neighbor's house. Neighbor's hanged himself due to lack of recognition. So...
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 1997
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Jim
So, you ready for the... the Dundies?
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 1998
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Pam
Ugh...
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 1999
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Pam
You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away, but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2000
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Michael
Hey hey hey! It's Fat Halpert.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2001
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Jim
What?
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2002
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Michael
Fat Halpert. Jim Halpert.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2003
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Michael
So why don't I take you on a tour of past Dundie winners. We got Fat Jim Halpert here. Jim, why don't you show of your Dundies to the camera?
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2004
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Jim
Oh, I can't because I keep them hidden. I don't want to look at them and get cocky.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2005
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Michael
Oh, that's a good idea.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2006
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Dwight
Mine are at home in a display case above my bed.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2007
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Michael
Gyaaah. T.M.I. T.M.I my friends.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2008
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Michael
T.M.I.? Too much information. Ah, it's just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say 'Don't go there' but that's... lame.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2009
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Michael
And here we have Stanley the Manly. Now Stanley is a Dundie all-star, aren't you Stan? Why don't you, ah, show them some of your bling.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2010
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Stanley
I don't know where they are, I think I threw them out.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2011
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Michael
Oh, no you di-int.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2012
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Stanley
I think I did.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2013
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Michael
W-why did you...
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2014
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Stanley
Say, we got to order some more apa-teezers this time. We ran out last year, remember?
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2015
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Michael
Yes we should. I... you know what? I wanted one of those skillets of cheese, but when I got off stage, someone had eaten all of them.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2016
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Michael
To Oscar Martinez it's the 'Show Me the Money' award! Yeah!
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2017
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Pam
Michael has taped
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2018
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Oscar
That's supposed to be confidential.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2019
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Michael
He has the award-ah! ...it's a type of song that we are going to play for the ladies. Hit it, Dwight!
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2020
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Michael
A little bit of Paaam, all night long, a little bit of Angela on the thing...
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2021
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Michael
[in video]...a little bit of Phyllis everywhere...
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2022
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Pam
Oh, yeah, this is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night. It's great.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2023
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Michael
...a little bit of Roooy eating chicken crispers... ...a little bit of Jim with some ribs, a little bit of...
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2024
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Kelly
It was you.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2025
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Phyllis
Live and learn.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2026
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Pam
It wasn't. I swear.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2027
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Kelly
Yeah, it was.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2028
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Dwight
So, what's the joke? You're not perfect either.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2029
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Pam
We're not laughing at you, Dwight.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2030
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Dwight
So who are we laughing at?
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2031
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Pam
Um, just something somebody wrote.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2032
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Dwight
Who? Dave Barry?
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2033
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Kelly
No. No, just something that was written in the ladies' room wall.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2034
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Dwight
What is it? Who wrote it?
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2035
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Pam
Um, it's kind of private.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2036
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Phyllis
It's about Michael.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2037
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Dwight
That is defacement of company property. So you better tell me. Kelly, if you tell me, you'll be punished less.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2038
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Pam
Okay, now I'm laughing at you.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2039
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Michael
Will her highness, Jan Levinson-Gould, be descending from her corporate throne this evening to visit us lowly serfs here at Dunder Mifflin Scranton?
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2040
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Jan
It's a, it's, it's a two and a half hour drive from New York, Michael.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2041
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Michael
Well, you could take the bus. You could work on the way here. Sleep on the way home.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2042
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Jan
No.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2043
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Michael
Wuh... Come on, Jan. This is important. I mean, this is, this is, validation to my employees here that you and corporate approve of this. So...
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2044
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Jan
No, we don't approve of this Michael. I mean, y-you only had the budget for one office party a year, so... we're not paying for this.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2045
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Michael
Um...
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2046
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Michael
Could you...?
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2047
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Jan
Are you there Michael?
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2048
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Michael
Yeah, I'm here, I just wanted to, uh, talk to you for a second about that.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2049
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Michael
Um, what, ah, what is, I mean...
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2050
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Michael
...come on, Jan!
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2051
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Michael
You're dropping an A-Bomb on me here.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2052
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Jan
Really? I'm dropping an atomic bomb on you?
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2053
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Michael
Well, yeah, I mean, what is...
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2054
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Jan
You already had a party on May 5th for no reason.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2055
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Michael
No reason?! It was the 05 05 05 party...
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2056
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Jan
And you had a luau....
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2057
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Michael
...it happens once every billion years.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2058
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Jan
And a tsunami relief fundraiser which somehow lost a lot of money.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2059
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Michael
Okay, no, that was a FUN raiser. I think I made that very clear in the fliers, fun, F-U-N.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2060
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Jan
Okay, well, I don't understand why anyone would have a tsunami FUN raiser, Michael. I mean, that doesn't even make sense.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2061
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Michael
Well, I think a lot of people were very affected by the footage.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2062
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Michael
This is a little character I like to do, it is, uh, loosely based on Karnack, one of Carson's classic characters. Here we go. The PLO, the IRA, and the hot dog stand behind the warehouse. 'Name three businesses that have a better health care plans than Dunder Mifflin.' Here's the problem. There's no open bar because of Jan and it's the reason why comedy clubs have a two drink minimum. It'll be fine, I just...wish people were going to be drunk.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2063
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Phyllis
Dwight, get out of here!!
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2064
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Dwight
No, no, no, no...
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2065
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Phyllis
What were you doing in the ladies room?!
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2066
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Dwight
...no, no, no, no, it's not what you think.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2067
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Phyllis
Why were you peering over the stalls?!
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2068
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Dwight
No, why were you in there?!
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2069
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Phyllis
You are a pervert!
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2070
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Dwight
What were you doing in there?
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2071
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Phyllis
You, are, a pervert!
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2072
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Dwight
I am not.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2073
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Michael
The Dundie award for 'Longest Engagement' goes to Pam Beesley.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2074
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Michael
Pam, everybody!
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2075
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Michael
Whoooo! When is that girl gonna get married? That's what I have to say. Ah, Roy's accepting.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2076
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Roy
Yes.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2077
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Michael
Thank you Roy. Are there any words you'd like to say, on Pam's behalf?
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2078
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Roy
Ah, w-we'll see you next year.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2079
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Michael
Yeah, oh, hope not! Oh God!
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2080
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Michael
I'm not changing that, it's the best one.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2081
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Jim
No, it's hilarious, you're right. I just think, um, 'world's longest engagement', um, we're all expecting it, you know?
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2082
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Michael
That's why it's funny. Every year that Roy and Pam don't get married, it gets funnier.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2083
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Jim
Well I think if you use the same jokes it just comes across as lazy.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2084
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Michael
Oh, lazy. Uh huh.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2085
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Dwight
Excuse me, everyone, could I have your attention please. I just wanted to say that the women in this office are terrible. Especially the ones who wrote that stuff about Michael on the bathroom wall. Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a ladies room for a reason. And if you cannot behave like ladies, well then you are not going to have a bathroom.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2086
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Pam
You're taking away our bathroom?
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2087
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Dwight
We are going to have two men's rooms.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2088
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Phyllis
But where would we...go?
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2089
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Dwight
Be prepared to hold folks From 9 am to...
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2090
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Pam
Michael...
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2091
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Michael
Yes.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2092
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Pam
...Dwight is banning us from our bathroom.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2093
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Michael
Okay, well, that's just ridiculous, so just don't, I-I don't have time for this right now.
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2094
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Dwight
Nnnnno, there needs to be repercussions...
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2095
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Michael
Just don't, don't talk-
Season 2 · Episode 1 · Quote 2096