Every line from The Office season 1, episode 3, in script order. First aired April 5, 2005.
-
Pam
Shut up, Dwight.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 868
-
Dwight
You wrote down... I didn't give you permission to.. I didn't...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 869
-
Pam
I'm not talking to you anymore.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 870
-
Jim
Dwight, I uh, I have something to confess.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 871
-
Dwight
You're doing the right thing. Go ahead. What 's your confession?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 872
-
Jim
Um...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 873
-
Dwight
Let it out.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 874
-
Jim
You're a jackass.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 875
-
Dwight
Okay. You wanna do this the hard way. We'll do this the hard way. You wrote down those fake diseases didn't you?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 876
-
Jim
No. Was that the hard way?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 877
-
Dwight
I know you did.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 878
-
Jim
Well, then why are you wasting everybody else's time interrogating them?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 879
-
Dwight
Well, because I want to know who wrote those diseases down.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 880
-
Jim
Right.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 881
-
Dwight
You want you to take this pen and this piece of paper and write this down. Write this down.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 882
-
Jim
Okay.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 883
-
Dwight
I, Jim Halpert...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 884
-
Jim
Wait, slow down.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 885
-
Dwight
...confess to health care fraud.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 886
-
Jim
One second 'cause that sounds really good. Is jackass one word or two? One, right? 'Cause, 'cause of the show, it's one.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 887
-
Dwight
One word.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 888
-
Michael
I've really learned from the greats. The great improvisers, Drew Carey, Ryan Stiles, uh, the Brady guy not so much. He's more the signing, Wayne Brady. Um, Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. 'Hi. I'm Mork from Ork.' Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo. 'That's Good morning, Vietnam!' Well, hello to you. You know it would be... God. And you know what, sometimes when I'm watching somebody like um, like Jay Leno. He'll be half way through his step And I will already be laughing at the punch line. He hasn't even gotten to it. He doesn't even know what it is it. So it's fun, you know it's fun having a mind that works like that. That is just a few steps ahead of... comedically ahead of like what's going on. Like I'll watch T.V. and I'll be watching a show and I will think, oh, I know someone's gonna walk in here right now and say something funny. And then they do. Or, um, I know they'll be like oh boy that person deserved to be slammed down. There's going to be some sort of insult. And there is. You know, there's like, 'Oh you're... God your butt is fat.' And I knew it. I know it's like I knew they were going to say that. I knew they were gonna go there. Don't go there. Um, but other... You know it's like uh, you know Leno, um and Letterman, Carson, you know. Need I say more? No.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 889
-
Dwight
Oh, um... Jan wants you to call her.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 890
-
Michael
We're all going bowling!
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 891