Every quote from The Office season 1, episode 3, in script order. First aired April 5, 2005.
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Pam
Shut up, Dwight.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 868
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Dwight
You wrote down... I didn't give you permission to.. I didn't...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 869
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Pam
I'm not talking to you anymore.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 870
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Jim
Dwight, I uh, I have something to confess.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 871
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Dwight
You're doing the right thing. Go ahead. What 's your confession?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 872
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Jim
Um...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 873
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Dwight
Let it out.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 874
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Jim
You're a jackass.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 875
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Dwight
Okay. You wanna do this the hard way. We'll do this the hard way. You wrote down those fake diseases didn't you?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 876
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Jim
No. Was that the hard way?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 877
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Dwight
I know you did.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 878
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Jim
Well, then why are you wasting everybody else's time interrogating them?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 879
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Dwight
Well, because I want to know who wrote those diseases down.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 880
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Jim
Right.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 881
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Dwight
You want you to take this pen and this piece of paper and write this down. Write this down.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 882
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Jim
Okay.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 883
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Dwight
I, Jim Halpert...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 884
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Jim
Wait, slow down.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 885
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Dwight
...confess to health care fraud.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 886
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Jim
One second 'cause that sounds really good. Is jackass one word or two? One, right? 'Cause, 'cause of the show, it's one.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 887
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Dwight
One word.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 888
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Michael
I've really learned from the greats. The great improvisers, Drew Carey, Ryan Stiles, uh, the Brady guy not so much. He's more the signing, Wayne Brady. Um, Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. 'Hi. I'm Mork from Ork.' Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo. 'That's Good morning, Vietnam!' Well, hello to you. You know it would be... God. And you know what, sometimes when I'm watching somebody like um, like Jay Leno. He'll be half way through his step And I will already be laughing at the punch line. He hasn't even gotten to it. He doesn't even know what it is it. So it's fun, you know it's fun having a mind that works like that. That is just a few steps ahead of... comedically ahead of like what's going on. Like I'll watch T.V. and I'll be watching a show and I will think, oh, I know someone's gonna walk in here right now and say something funny. And then they do. Or, um, I know they'll be like oh boy that person deserved to be slammed down. There's going to be some sort of insult. And there is. You know, there's like, 'Oh you're... God your butt is fat.' And I knew it. I know it's like I knew they were going to say that. I knew they were gonna go there. Don't go there. Um, but other... You know it's like uh, you know Leno, um and Letterman, Carson, you know. Need I say more? No.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 889
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Dwight
Oh, um... Jan wants you to call her.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 890
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Michael
We're all going bowling!
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 891