Every line from The Office season 1, episode 3, in script order. First aired April 5, 2005.
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Michael
Pam. Pamela. Pam-elama-ding-dong. Making copies.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 568
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Pam
I'm not making any copies.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 569
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Michael
Let's go. Messages. Stat. Lots to do, lots to do. Information superhighway.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 570
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Pam
Nothing new.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 571
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Michael
Lay them on me. What?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 572
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Pam
There's nothing new.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 573
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Michael
That's not what you said earlier.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 574
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Pam
Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before for the...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 575
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Michael
The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um... Yes, in a way. Yeah, like a specialist.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 576
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Jan
So, which health plan have you decided on?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 577
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Michael
I am going to go with the best, Jan. I am going to go with the one with the acupuncture, therapeutic massage, you know, the works.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 578
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Jan
Wait, acupuncture? None of the plans have acupuncture. Have you looked at them closely Michael?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 579
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Michael
I think it was you who didn't look closely enough at the Gold Plan.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 580
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Jan
The Gold Plan? I'm not even on that plan.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 581
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Michael
Well, I'd recommend it. It's very good.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 582
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Jan
Michael.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 583
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Michael
You gotta crack these things open.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 584
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Jan
You know the whole reason that we're doing this, is to save money. So you just need to pick a provider and choose the cheapest plan.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 585
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Michael
Well, that is kind of a tough assignment. Um... It won't be popular decision around the old orifice.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 586
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Jan
It's your job. So...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 587
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Michael
Well, it's a suicide mission, you know.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 588
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Jan
Michael... maybe... I mean...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 589
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Michael
There, there...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 590
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Jan
Sometimes a manager, like yourself, has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 591
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Michael
When have you ever done that?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 592
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Jan
I'm doing it right now. To you.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 593
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Jim
Last night on Trading Spouses, there's... have you seen it?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 594
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Pam
No. I have a life.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 595
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Jim
Interesting, what's that like?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 596
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Pam
You should try it sometime.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 597
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Jim
Wow. But then who would watch my TV? That is...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 598
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Pam
[laughs]... your problem.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 599
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Michael
Jimbo! Ha haaaaa. Ah.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 600
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Michael
There's a decision that needs to be made, and I'm having an unbelievably a busy day. So I'm going to let you pick a health care plan for our office and then explain it to your co-workers.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 601
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Jim
Gosh.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 602
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Michael
Yeah!
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 603
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Jim
That is a great offer. Thank you. I really think I should be concentrating on sales.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 604
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Michael
Really?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 605
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Jim
Yeah. I just don't think this is the kind of task, that I... am going to do. You know who would be great for this?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 606
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Jim
Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 607
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Dwight
Yes. I can do it. I'm your man.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 608
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Jim
Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company then this would be my career. And uh, well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 609
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Dwight
OK, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 610
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Michael
Ah, none. You're picking a health care plan.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 611
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Dwight
OK, we'll table that for the time being. Two, I'll need an office. I think the conference room should be fine.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 612
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Michael
You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 613
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Dwight
Yes, I have an office. Bigger than his.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 614
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Michael
Nope, you cannot use it.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 615
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Dwight
OK, I take it back, it's a workspace.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 616
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Michael
Temporary workspace. You can use it.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 617
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Dwight
Thank you.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 618
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Michael
If Dwight fails, then that is strike two, and good for me for, ah, for giving him a second chance. And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one will be prouder than I am. I groomed him. I made him what he is today. Unless he fails, and we've talked about that already.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 619
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Dwight
What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 620
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Dwight
In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 621
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Stanley
There's no dental, there's no vision, there's a $1,200 deductible.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 622
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Pam
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 623
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Michael
Pam, Michael Scott. How's tricks?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 624
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Pam
Where are you?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 625
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Michael
Oh, I am in my office. I am swamped. I have work up to my ears I'm busy, busy, busy. Can't step away. I just wanted to check in and see how everybody's doing. Everybody cool out there?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 626
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Pam
Actually, people are really unhappy. Um, Dwight sent around this memo and people are freaking out 'cause the...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 627
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Michael
Pam! Whoa, whoa, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I, I, I, I gotta go. I'm getting a call.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 628
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Pam
No you're not.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 629
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Michael
I have to make a call after I finish... my work. You know what? Uh, just don't let anybody in my office under any conditions today. I'm just too busy. Too swamped, you know? I am unreachable. I am incommunicado, capisce?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 630
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Pam
OK.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 631
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Michael
Thank you, Oh, gah, here we go again. Gotta go, I have to take this.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 632
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Pam
Still no one calling.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 633
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Pam
Dwight, what...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 634
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Dwight
Uh, knock, please. Please knock. This is an office.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 635
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Jim
It says 'workspace'.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 636
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Dwight
Same thing.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 637
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Jim
If it's the same thing, then why did you write 'workspace'?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 638
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Dwight
Just knock, Please? As a sign of respect for your superior.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 639
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Jim
You are not my superior.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 640
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Dwight
Oh gee, then why do I have an office?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 641
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Jim
I thought it was a workspace?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 642
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Pam
OK. Dwight. Are you really in charge of picking the health care plan?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 643
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Dwight
Yes. And my decision in final.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 644
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Pam
This is a ridiculously awful plan. Because you cut everything.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 645
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Dwight
Aww, times are tough, Pam. Deal with it.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 646
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Jim
You cut more than you had to, didn't you?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 647
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Dwight
Sure.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 648
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Jim
Well, why did you do that? You work here, don't you want good insurance?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 649
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Dwight
Don't need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 650
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Jim
OK, well, if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 651
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Dwight
I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute. And superior brain power. Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 652
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Pam
Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 653
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Dwight
So I can lower it.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 654
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Oscar
He literally won't come out of his office.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 655
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Kevin
He's got to come out sometime. To go to the bathroom.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 656
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Angela
Kevin! That's inappropriate.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 657
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Oscar
Michael, can I talk to you?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 658
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Michael
Ah, uh, I would love to, but I am really busy. Rain check?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 659
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Meredith
Michael. Michael, please, can we talk to you about this memo?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 660
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Michael
Ah, what? Which memo?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 661
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Pam
Dwight's health care memo. I told you about it.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 662
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Michael
Is it a good plan?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 663
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Dwight
It's a great plan. It saves the company a fortune.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 664
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Oscar
It's like a pay decrease.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 665
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Pam
Michael, he made huge cuts.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 666
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Michael
Cuts? What? Wow, Dwight, did you make cuts?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 667