Dwight

Yeah.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 768

Jan

OK, when Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 769

Dwight

Call you immediately. Good. Oh, hey, listen, um, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim?

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 770

Jan

No. Please don't use my cell phone ever again.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 771

Dwight

Oh, this is your cell, I thought this was your...

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 772

Michael

Hey, hey, everybody, Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaaahh! Here you go. Take one, take one. It's all good. Phyllis, think fast. Ya-bome! Oh, oh, I see Angela. Angela? Right? Waaaaah! Oh, hey temp. Why don't you take two? Because you don't get health care. And uh, faster metabolism.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 773

Ryan

Did you get the kind with the cookies? Instead of the...

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 774

Michael

Why don't you just eat it, OK? And here you go, Stanley the manly.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 775

Stanley

Oh, thanks.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 776

Michael

There you go.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 777

Stanley

This isn't the big surprise, is it? Because we've been having a pretty horrible day.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 778

Michael

Uh, nope. Nope. This isn't the surprise. It's surprising, um... because you didn't expect it. But you will... you'll know it when you see it.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 779

Dwight

Michael. Michael?

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 780

Michael

Oh, Christ.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 781

Dwight

I tried being rational, OK? And what happened? The employees went crazy, I got no help from corporate. That leaves me with no options.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 782

Dwight

I'm now going to read out loud your submitted medical conditions. When you hear yours read, please raise your hand to indicate that it is real. If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 783

Stanley

What about confidentiality?

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 784

Dwight

You know what? You have forfeited that privilege. I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted penis.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 785

Meredith

Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 786

Dwight

I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy?

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 787

Meredith

A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 788

Dwight

OK, great. Dermatitis. Thank you Angela. I'll make sure that's covered. OK, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures?

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 789

Kevin

That's a real thing.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 790

Dwight

Yeah, but no one here has it.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 791

Kevin

Someone has it.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 792

Kevin

Do you think we should go ?

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 793

Oscar

I don't know, Kevin. This is important. I don't want... There he is.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 794

Kevin

What is he doing?

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 795

Oscar

I don't know.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 796

Oscar

Well?

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 797

Michael

Well, what? You could be referring to anything.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 798

Oscar

OK, the health care plan.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 799

Pam

Why did you put Dwight in charge of that? He did a horrible job.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 800

Michael

Uh, Dwight? Did you raise benefits?

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 801

Dwight

I most certainly did not.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 802

Michael

Oh come on! That's horrible! Aaah... Thanks, Dwight, for a crappy plan. Ah, Damn! Oh, mmm, I wish I had time to change it, but Jan needs it by five, and... what time is it, what time is it? Ah, it's after five. Oh, oh it's awful. So, well, OK. See you guys on Monday.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 803

Angela

What about the surprise?

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 804

Michael

Oh... Yes. Exactly. Thank you Angela, for reminding me. Terrific. Um, before I tell everybody what the big surprise is, would you like to tell me what you think the big surprise is?

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 805

Stanley

We all think you don't have a surprise.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 806

Michael

All right, I have some news for you. There is a big surprise. And... here it is. Here we go. And the big surprise is... Brrrrrrrr! Drum roll... Brrrrrrrr! Brrrrrrrr!

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 807

Michael

When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive. See I learned improve from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 808

Michael

God, yeah... Ah! This...

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 809

Michael

Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. 'Hi. I'm Mork from Ork.' Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 810

Dwight

Oh, um... Jan wants you to call her.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 811

Dwight

I did not dismiss you.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 812

Oscar

Well, you have no right to ask those questions.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 813

Dwight

You came into my office voluntarily.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 814

Oscar

Because I don't want my benefits slashed.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 815

Dwight

Well, maybe they won't get slashed if you answer all my questions.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 816

Oscar

I'm reporting you.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 817

Dwight

You know when ever a worker is promoted above their peers there's always going to be a little bit of jealousy. Uh, it's natural. And that's going to lead to goofing off and that's okay that's fine. As long as they are willing to suffer the consequences.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 818

Oscar

Michael I need to talk to you.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 819

Michael

Sorry, too busy can't even come to the door.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 820

Oscar

Michael.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 821

Michael

Yeah, no...

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 822

Oscar

Michael, Michael I... ... inside.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 823

Michael

You know what. I, um, I'm out the door. I'm going to a meeting. Pam, I'm headed out to another meeting. So see you later. Uh, here we go.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 824

Pam

We stole Dwight's trashcan and she found some of his early attempts at his sign.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 825

Jim

Okay, here's uh, this is very simple. 'Dwight's Workspace,' nice.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 826

Pam

Mmm hmm.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 827

Jim

Um, this one interesting the power comes from the font in this one. 'Schrute Space,' very medieval, very England. Um, this one's forceful, this one's very Dwight. 'Quiet! Dwight Schrute Working,' it's good.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 828

Pam

Mmm hmm.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 829

Jim

I really heard him on that. This one's interesting I'm not really sure what he meant by this. Um, 'Dwight Schrute Privates.' Tough to say.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 830

Pam

Yeah.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 831

Jim

Okay, you know what, Dwight. What if you got a really serious disease like Ebola.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 832

Dwight

Psssh, no.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 833

Jim

Well, it could happen. Have you ever seen the movie Outbreak?

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 834

Dwight

Yeah. Well, have you ever seen the movie Unbreakable? 'Cause that guy couldn't get sick, just like me.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 835

Jim

Okay. Have you ever seen the movie Sixth Sense? Maybe you are already dead.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 836

Dwight

Unlikely.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 837

Pam

You promise these are confidential?

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 838

Dwight

100%.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 839

Pam

Did you just mark on that?

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 840

Dwight

I don't think so, no.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 841

Pam

You made a 'P.'

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 842

Dwight

Wrong. Thank you Jim. Kevin. Stanley. Pam, Jim, Kevin, Stanley. Pam, Jim, Kevin, Stanley. You finished?

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 843

Oscar

Oh, yeah. Here's the rest of them.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 844

Dwight

That was... unauthorized.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 845

Michael

Well, it is time to call in a little favor. A buddy of mine runs this tourist attraction, actually it's big. It's probably one of the most popular in the state. So...

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 846

Man on Phone

Hello.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 847

Michael

Hey, hey Craigers, my man! It is Michael Scott here. Dunder Mifflin, we supply your office paper.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 848

Man on Phone

Oh, I think we already did our order this month.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 849

Michael

No, no, no, no. No, actually to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um, here's the deal. Um, trying to give the troops here a little bit of a boost. And I was thinking that maybe we could bring them down to go on your big ride.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 850

Man on Phone

You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mineshaft? It's not really a ride.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 851

Michael

Well, it says here that it's a 300ft drop.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 852

Man on Phone

Well, it goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 853

Michael

So it's not a free fall?

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 854

Man on Phone

It's an industrial coal elevator.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 855

Michael

Uh, okay. So um, once you get down into the mine, what do you do? Is it like, uh... Do you have laser tag down there or something?

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 856

Man on Phone

No, you just look around. It's a historically preserved coal mine.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 857

Michael

That's it?

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 858

Man on Phone

Well, there's the adjacent Anthracite Heritage Museum. They got some really interesting old mining tools. There's also a photo mural exhibit. Uh, bat guano sculpture.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 859

Michael

Uh, he's a small client. They don't really buy much.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 860

Dwight

Why do you want health care, Pam? Hmm? Why do you want it?

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 861

Pam

In case I get sick.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 862

Dwight

Why don't you just go ahead and use Roy's health care plan, huh?

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 863

Pam

Because we're not married.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 864

Dwight

But you're engaged. Aren't you and maybe you've set a date for the wedding, hmm? And because you know you're going to get married you don't have to take our health care plan seriously.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 865

Pam

We haven't set a date.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 866

Dwight

You really expect me to believe you haven't set a date? I think you have. Sure Pam, sure. But you know what, you've been engaged for three years and I know you've set a date. And you know what else, I know you've got coverage under Roy and I know that you wrote down those fake diseases. Admit it. Admit it, Pam.

Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 867

"Health Care" Quotes (page 3)