Every quote from The Office season 1, episode 3, in script order. First aired April 5, 2005.
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Dwight
Yeah, you said...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 668
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Michael
No, no , no, you know what? I said nothing specific because I was so busy. Why don't you go in there and find these people a plan that will work for them? OK?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 669
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Dwight
I can handle that.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 670
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Michael
OK? All right. Do we feel good? All right. Good. Plus, there's some other good news. Today, at the end of the day, I will have, for all of you, a big surprise. OK? So hang in there, and I will see you at the end of the day. Right?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 671
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Oscar
This is not good.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 672
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Angela
It's ridiculous. Did you talk to him?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 673
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Oscar
What was that?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 674
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Angela
You let him walk all over you. It's just pathetic.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 675
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Kevin
What are you guys talking about?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 676
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Angela
Nothing, Kevin.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 677
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Michael
Do I know what the surprise is? Hell no! It doesn't matter. The point is, they're not unhappy anymore. They're out there thinking, 'Wow, my boss really cares about me. He has a surprise. He's cool. I... what a great guy. I love him. I...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 678
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Dwight
OK, everyone. Gather round. Step forward. It has been brought to my attention that some of you are unhappy with my plan. So what I'd like you to do is to fill this out and write down any diseases you have that you might want covered and I'll see what I can do.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 679
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Jim
OK, you know what Dwight? We can't write our diseases down for you because that's confidential.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 680
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Dwight
OK, well, I didn't say to write your name down, did I? Fill it out, leave it anonymous. Or, don't write any disease down at all and it won't be covered. Sound fair? Good. I'll be in my office.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 681
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Jim
Workspace.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 682
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Michael
You know what? Come with me. We are going on a little mission. Operation Surprise.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 683
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Pam
Where are you going?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 684
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Michael
Um, headed out. Part of my busy day, you know. Meetings. Couldn't find the knob.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 685
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Michael
So, basically, I want to do something nice for my employees. Atlantic City, OK? They have this thing where they send a bus, right, for free. Picks everybody up, you head down there, get to the hotel, room is comped, they give you a pile of chips, and your food, everything just kind of all-inclusive, free kind of weekend.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 686
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Travel Agent
I don't know of anything like that, but, um, you know what you might want to do, is just call those casinos directly. Um, maybe?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 687
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Michael
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did, so...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 688
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Jim
Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 689
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Pam
I'm inventing new diseases.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 690
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Jim
Oh, great.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 691
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Pam
So, let's say my teeth turn to liquid and then, they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 692
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Jim
I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 693
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Pam
Nice.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 694
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Jim
Thank you.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 695
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Michael
Calling you to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um, trying to give the troops around here a little bit of a boost. And I was thinking that maybe we could take them down to take a spin on your big ride.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 696
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Man on Phone
You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mineshaft? It's not really a ride.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 697
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Michael
Its says here that it's a 300ft drop.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 698
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Man on Phone
It goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 699
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Michael
So it's not a free fall?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 700
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Man on Phone
It's an industrial coal elevator.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 701
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Michael
Uh, all right. Well, once you get down into the mine, what... you got laser tag or something?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 702
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Michael
OK, so I don't know what the surprise is. Am I worried? No. No way. See, I thrive on this. This is my world. This is improv. This is Whose Line is it Anyway?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 703
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Dwight
Damnit! Damnit Jim!
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 704
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Dwight
All right, who did this? I'm not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 705
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Jim
What are you talking about?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 706
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Dwight
Uh, someone forged, uh, medical information and that is a felony.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 707
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Jim
OK, whoa. 'Cause that is a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 708
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Dwight
Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 709
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Dwight
You did this, didn't you?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 710
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Jim
Absolutely not.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 711
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Dwight
Yes you did.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 712
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Jim
No I didn't.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 713
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Dwight
I know it was you. Fine. You know what? I'll have to interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for any one!
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 714
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Jim
Killer nanorobots?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 715
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Pam
It's an epidemic.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 716
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Dwight
The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need, because someone in this office is coming up with all this ridiculous stuff. 'Count Choculitis'
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 717
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Jim
Sounds tough.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 718
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Dwight
Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 719
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Jim
Do you?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 720
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Dwight
I think you need to confess...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 721
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Jim
Mmm hmm.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 722
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Dwight
...the fact...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 723
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Jim
Yep.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 724
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Dwight
What are you doing? Those are my keys.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 725
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Jim
Good luck.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 726
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Dwight
Jim! Damnit! No! Jim! Let me out! Jim! Let...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 727
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Stanley
...the light green or green...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 728
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Jim
Jim Halpert.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 729
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Dwight
Let me out.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 730
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Jim
Who is this?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 731
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Dwight
Let me out or you're fired.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 732
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Jim
No, you can't fire me.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 733
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Dwight
Yes I can. I'm manager for the day. Clean out your desk.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 734
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Jim
OK, can you hold on? I'm getting the, ah, beep.] Jim Halpert.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 735
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Pam
Hey, Jim. It's Pam.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 736
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Jim
Hey Pam! How are you?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 737
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Dwight
Jim! Open the door!
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 738
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Pam
Good, how are you? Busy?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 739
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Jim
I'm doing OK. Getting excited for the weekend though. What are you up to?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 740
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Dwight
Jim!
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 741
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Pam
Um, I'm not bothering you, am I?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 742
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Jim
No, not at all.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 743
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Pam
You don't have anything you're doing?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 744
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Jim
I have nothing to do.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 745
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Dwight
Jim!
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 746
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Pam
Oh great. Um, no, this weekend? Nothing. I'm not really doing anything.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 747
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Dwight
Jim!
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 748
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Jim
Oh yeah?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 749
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Pam
I might go to the mall.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 750
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Jim
The mall?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 751
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Dwight
Jim!
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 752
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Pam
I need new shoes.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 753
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Jim
Oh, interesting, what kind of shoes?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 754
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Jan
Hello?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 755
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Dwight
Uh, hello. Uh, this is Dwight Schrute calling for Jan Levenson-Gould.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 756
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Jan
This is Jan.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 757
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Dwight
Hi. Dwight Schrute calling, acting manager, Scranton branch. Listen, I needed your permission to fire Jim Halpert.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 758
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Jan
Who is this?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 759
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Dwight
Dwight Schrute.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 760
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Jan
From sales?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 761
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Dwight
Well...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 762
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Jan
Where's Michael Scott?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 763
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Dwight
He is not here right now. He put me in charge of the office.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 764
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Jan
Dwight, listen to me very carefully. You are not a manager of anything. Understand?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 765
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Dwight
That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking the health care plan.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 766
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Jan
Really?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 767