Every line from The Office season 1, episode 3, in script order. First aired April 5, 2005.
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Dwight
Yeah, you said...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 668
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Michael
No, no , no, you know what? I said nothing specific because I was so busy. Why don't you go in there and find these people a plan that will work for them? OK?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 669
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Dwight
I can handle that.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 670
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Michael
OK? All right. Do we feel good? All right. Good. Plus, there's some other good news. Today, at the end of the day, I will have, for all of you, a big surprise. OK? So hang in there, and I will see you at the end of the day. Right?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 671
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Oscar
This is not good.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 672
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Angela
It's ridiculous. Did you talk to him?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 673
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Oscar
What was that?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 674
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Angela
You let him walk all over you. It's just pathetic.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 675
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Kevin
What are you guys talking about?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 676
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Angela
Nothing, Kevin.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 677
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Michael
Do I know what the surprise is? Hell no! It doesn't matter. The point is, they're not unhappy anymore. They're out there thinking, 'Wow, my boss really cares about me. He has a surprise. He's cool. I... what a great guy. I love him. I...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 678
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Dwight
OK, everyone. Gather round. Step forward. It has been brought to my attention that some of you are unhappy with my plan. So what I'd like you to do is to fill this out and write down any diseases you have that you might want covered and I'll see what I can do.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 679
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Jim
OK, you know what Dwight? We can't write our diseases down for you because that's confidential.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 680
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Dwight
OK, well, I didn't say to write your name down, did I? Fill it out, leave it anonymous. Or, don't write any disease down at all and it won't be covered. Sound fair? Good. I'll be in my office.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 681
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Jim
Workspace.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 682
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Michael
You know what? Come with me. We are going on a little mission. Operation Surprise.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 683
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Pam
Where are you going?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 684
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Michael
Um, headed out. Part of my busy day, you know. Meetings. Couldn't find the knob.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 685
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Michael
So, basically, I want to do something nice for my employees. Atlantic City, OK? They have this thing where they send a bus, right, for free. Picks everybody up, you head down there, get to the hotel, room is comped, they give you a pile of chips, and your food, everything just kind of all-inclusive, free kind of weekend.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 686
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Travel Agent
I don't know of anything like that, but, um, you know what you might want to do, is just call those casinos directly. Um, maybe?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 687
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Michael
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did, so...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 688
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Jim
Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 689
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Pam
I'm inventing new diseases.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 690
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Jim
Oh, great.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 691
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Pam
So, let's say my teeth turn to liquid and then, they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 692
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Jim
I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 693
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Pam
Nice.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 694
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Jim
Thank you.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 695
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Michael
Calling you to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um, trying to give the troops around here a little bit of a boost. And I was thinking that maybe we could take them down to take a spin on your big ride.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 696
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Man on Phone
You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mineshaft? It's not really a ride.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 697
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Michael
Its says here that it's a 300ft drop.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 698
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Man on Phone
It goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 699
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Michael
So it's not a free fall?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 700
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Man on Phone
It's an industrial coal elevator.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 701
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Michael
Uh, all right. Well, once you get down into the mine, what... you got laser tag or something?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 702
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Michael
OK, so I don't know what the surprise is. Am I worried? No. No way. See, I thrive on this. This is my world. This is improv. This is Whose Line is it Anyway?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 703
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Dwight
Damnit! Damnit Jim!
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 704
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Dwight
All right, who did this? I'm not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 705
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Jim
What are you talking about?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 706
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Dwight
Uh, someone forged, uh, medical information and that is a felony.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 707
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Jim
OK, whoa. 'Cause that is a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 708
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Dwight
Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 709
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Dwight
You did this, didn't you?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 710
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Jim
Absolutely not.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 711
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Dwight
Yes you did.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 712
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Jim
No I didn't.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 713
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Dwight
I know it was you. Fine. You know what? I'll have to interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for any one!
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 714
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Jim
Killer nanorobots?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 715
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Pam
It's an epidemic.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 716
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Dwight
The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need, because someone in this office is coming up with all this ridiculous stuff. 'Count Choculitis'
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 717
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Jim
Sounds tough.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 718
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Dwight
Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 719
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Jim
Do you?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 720
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Dwight
I think you need to confess...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 721
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Jim
Mmm hmm.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 722
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Dwight
...the fact...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 723
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Jim
Yep.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 724
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Dwight
What are you doing? Those are my keys.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 725
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Jim
Good luck.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 726
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Dwight
Jim! Damnit! No! Jim! Let me out! Jim! Let...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 727
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Stanley
...the light green or green...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 728
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Jim
Jim Halpert.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 729
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Dwight
Let me out.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 730
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Jim
Who is this?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 731
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Dwight
Let me out or you're fired.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 732
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Jim
No, you can't fire me.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 733
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Dwight
Yes I can. I'm manager for the day. Clean out your desk.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 734
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Jim
OK, can you hold on? I'm getting the, ah, beep.] Jim Halpert.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 735
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Pam
Hey, Jim. It's Pam.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 736
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Jim
Hey Pam! How are you?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 737
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Dwight
Jim! Open the door!
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 738
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Pam
Good, how are you? Busy?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 739
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Jim
I'm doing OK. Getting excited for the weekend though. What are you up to?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 740
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Dwight
Jim!
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 741
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Pam
Um, I'm not bothering you, am I?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 742
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Jim
No, not at all.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 743
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Pam
You don't have anything you're doing?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 744
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Jim
I have nothing to do.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 745
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Dwight
Jim!
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 746
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Pam
Oh great. Um, no, this weekend? Nothing. I'm not really doing anything.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 747
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Dwight
Jim!
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 748
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Jim
Oh yeah?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 749
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Pam
I might go to the mall.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 750
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Jim
The mall?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 751
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Dwight
Jim!
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 752
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Pam
I need new shoes.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 753
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Jim
Oh, interesting, what kind of shoes?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 754
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Jan
Hello?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 755
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Dwight
Uh, hello. Uh, this is Dwight Schrute calling for Jan Levenson-Gould.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 756
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Jan
This is Jan.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 757
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Dwight
Hi. Dwight Schrute calling, acting manager, Scranton branch. Listen, I needed your permission to fire Jim Halpert.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 758
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Jan
Who is this?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 759
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Dwight
Dwight Schrute.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 760
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Jan
From sales?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 761
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Dwight
Well...
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 762
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Jan
Where's Michael Scott?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 763
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Dwight
He is not here right now. He put me in charge of the office.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 764
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Jan
Dwight, listen to me very carefully. You are not a manager of anything. Understand?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 765
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Dwight
That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking the health care plan.
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 766
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Jan
Really?
Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 767