Every line from The Office season 9, episode 5, in script order. First aired October 25, 2012.
-
Dwight
This year I decided to really get into the spirit of Halloween.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53879
-
Erin
[screaming upon seeing pumpkin-headed Dwight]
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53880
-
Dwight
It may have been the costliest decision I've ever made.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53881
-
Dwight
My greased up head went into the pumpkin no problem, but ...
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53882
-
Jim
It won't budge.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53883
-
Dwight
I can't get it out. Try again!
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53884
-
Dwight
I mean, I could try destroying the pumpkin...
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53885
-
Dwight
Jim, no. No. No! No!
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53886
-
Dwight
But as Jim and I discovered... No! ... any blow to the pumpkin itself could prove fatal to me.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53887
-
Dwight
At first I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently. I never should have played that joke on Erin. I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place. Then I realized that I was being silly. I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right?
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53888
-
Erin
Hey guys.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53889
-
Pam
Hey.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53890
-
Erin
Pam, what are you?
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53891
-
Pam
I am Dr. Cinderella.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53892
-
Jim
Cece's really into princesses now. So we decided to turn them into a positive female role models.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53893
-
Pam
I'm an oncologist and you are a dog.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53894
-
Erin
No, I'm a puppy. Dang it! I was worried that would happen.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53895
-
Jim
It's Okay.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53896
-
Erin
Uh, Jim, you're not dressed up at all.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53897
-
Jim
Sure I am. I am... one of the Men in Black guys. Can I have your sunglasses?
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53898
-
Erin
Jim, come on. I thought we were past this.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53899
-
Pam
So the sports marketing business that Jim told everyone about except for me?
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53900
-
Jim
There's a big investment lunch today, so I decided to skip the costume.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53901
-
Pam
Unless he has a secret costume that he told everyone about except for me.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53902
-
Jim
Gettin' a lot of mileage out of this, aren't ya?
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53903
-
Pam
Yeah, well, get used to it, bud.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53904
-
Andy
A jitterbug. You guys look great! Just a reminder. The party is right after lunch, so make sure you get all your work done before that or throw it out. Any questions?
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53905
-
Angela
The senator will be joining us later.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53906
-
Andy
Not a question.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53907
-
Angela
No, it wasn't.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53908
-
Andy
Excellent. That reminds me, has anyone seen Treble? Anyone? I could have sworn I saw some Treble somewhere.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53909
-
HCT
[singing]
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53910
-
Andy
Oh, ladies and gentlemen, Here Comes Treble!
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53911
-
HCT
[sings Karma Chameleon]
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53912
-
Andy
Aaah! So good!
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53913
-
Dwight
What lab did these little clones escape from?
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53914
-
Andy
My Cornell a capella group.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53915
-
Pam
You were in an a capella group?
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53916
-
Darryl
You went to Cornell?
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53917
-
Andy
Yah! ah. Okay. Ha ha ha ha. But you have no idea how lucky you are because HCT is doing a set at our halloween party.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53918
-
Stanley
Ugh. I don't want to sit through a whole concert of that.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53919
-
Clark
I do. I love the boss's interests.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53920
-
Andy
Atta boy Clark!
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53921
-
Meredith
Where you boys stayin? How does it work in the rooms? Do you get a privacy partition?
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53922
-
Andy
No. Nope. Nope nope nope. Stay away.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53923
-
Andy
You know what I just realized? They might actually call me up to solo on George Michael's Faith. That was one of my signature songs. Oh, man. That would be insane. I'm so not prepared.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53924
-
Jim
Are you sure you're okay with me putting in this much money.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53925
-
Pam
Yeah. I mean, listen if we're gonna do this thing, we should do it right.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53926
-
Jim
You're the best.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53927
-
Pam
I kind of am. It's crazy.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53928
-
Jim
Okay. I'll see you in a little bit.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53929
-
Pam
Okay.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53930
-
Dwight
Jim. Look I'm eating you.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53931
-
Jim
Shut up.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53932
-
Dwight
Ha ha. Hey Erin, look, these are Nerds. I'm eating Jims.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53933
-
Erin
[laughs]
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53934
-
Dwight
Must eat more Jims. Oink oink oink oink.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53935
-
Erin
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53936
-
Dwight
Oh no, I'm spilling Jim all over the carpet.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53937
-
Erin
Stop it stop it stop it stop it!
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53938
-
Dwight
Hello little pill. What do you do?
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53939
-
Dwight
Dumatril is licensed to treat anxiety symptoms, such as panic attacks, excessive worrying, and fear. Translation: There's a madman in our midst.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53940
-
Pam
Okay I give up. What are you?
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53941
-
Nellie
I'm sexy Toby.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53942
-
Pam
Gross. I love it.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53943
-
Dwight
Dumatril!
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53944
-
Nellie
Something wrong Dwight?
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53945
-
Dwight
Dumatril.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53946
-
Nellie
Yes?
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53947
-
Dwight
This is a pill that I found here in the office. But it's not for worms or eczema like any normal pill. It's not for any disorder of the body. It's for a disorder of the mind.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53948
-
Nellie
The mind is part of the body.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53949
-
Dwight
Okay, this is a pill that combats insanity, okay? Whoever is taking it is not only insane... They are now off their meds.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53950
-
Nellie
Dwight, our co-workers' health issues are really none of our business so-
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53951
-
Dwight
Why are you trying so hard to bury this thing, huh? What's going on Nellie? Talk to me.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53952
-
Nellie
Hm?
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53953
-
Nellie
It's my pill. I have an anxiety issue and I'm not ashamed of that, But I'm not loving the idea of Dwight having that information. I once saw him yell at Phyllis for sneezing wrong.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53954
-
Nellie
Yeah, you're right. This man needs to be apprehended.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53955
-
Dwight
I'll get my apprehension kit.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53956
-
Andy
Ruh duh duh da dudes! What's up?
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53957
-
HCT
[mumbled responses]
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53958
-
Andy
I know that it's pathetic to re-live your college years, but cut me some slack, Okay? Because I was a freaking rock star in college. When I joined Here Comes Treble, that's when I became somebody. When I got the nickname 'Boner Champ,' that is when I became me.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53959
-
Andy
You didn't come here to sit in a room, right? You came here for some intergenerational bro time. Well, now's your chance! I'm here. You got Qs; I got As.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53960
-
HCT Member #1
Did you say you've got AIDS?
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53961
-
Andy
No, I don't have AIDS. That's not what I said. Next question.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53962
-
Andy
You don't have any-- Any questions about the old days? You at least want to know why they call me Boner Champ?
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53963
-
HCT Member #2
I thought Broccoli Rob was the Boner Champ.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53964
-
Andy
I'm sorry, what?
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53965
-
HCT Member #2
I just thought Broccoli Rob was the Boner Champ.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53966
-
Andy
Broccoli Rob was Broccoli Rob. Andy Bernard is the Boner Champ.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53967
-
Pete
I didn't realize that everybody here dresses up every year.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53968
-
Creed
Me neither.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53969
-
Creed
It's Halloween. That is really, really good timing.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53970
-
Andy
I was just talking to some of the actives, and they think that you're Boner Champ.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53971
-
Broccoli Rob
I'm so sorry! I don't know how that could have happened.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53972
-
Andy
Did you maybe tell them that or...?
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53973
-
Broccoli Rob
I just-- I just started yappin' about the old days, and I guess the wine coolers were flowing, and, you know, somehow things just got hinky.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53974
-
Andy
Could you just call them and tell them the truth? 'Cause I know it's really stupid, but it's also really, really, really important.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53975
-
Broccoli Rob
Will do. I love you, Andy.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53976
-
Andy
Love you too.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53977
-
Businessman #1
So the workspace looks awesome.
Season 9 · Episode 5 · Line 53978