Every quote from The Office season 9, episode 3, in script order. First aired October 4, 2012.
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Fake Jim
Morning, Dwight
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53320
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Dwight
Who are you?
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53321
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Fake Jim
Who am I? I'm Jim. We've been working together for twelve years. Ha, Weird joke, Dwight.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53322
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Dwight
You're not Jim. Jim's not Asian
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53323
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Fake Jim
You seriously never noticed? Hey, hats off to you for not seeing race.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53324
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Dwight
Alright then Jim. Ahhh, why don't you tell me about that sale that you made yesterday?
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53325
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Fake Jim
Uh, Wellington systems? Sold them 10 cases of 24-pound letter stock. Or, were you talking about Krieger-Murphy? Because I didn't close that one yet, but I'm hoping I've got a voicemail from Paul Krieger waiting for me.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53326
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Voicemail
Please enter your password.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53327
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Voicemail
You have one new message.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53328
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Dwight
How did you know? No! No, no! That is sensitive information only for employees, not outsiders!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53329
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Fake Jim
Dwight, cut it out, I'm trying to work.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53330
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Dwight
You don't work here! You're not Jim!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53331
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Pam
Jim, I got us that dinner reservation. Grico's at 7:30.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53332
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Fake Jim
Oh great, can't wait.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53333
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Pam
Jim's at the dentist this morning. And Steve is an actor friend of ours.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53334
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Dwight
I don't know who you are, but you are not Jim. This is Jim!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53335
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Dwight
Oh my'! Oh d'! Oh, how did'? Huhhhhh!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53336
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Erin
Heyyy! Study buddies!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53337
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Darryl
Oh, ok.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53338
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Erin
Getting things done. Awesome!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53339
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Darryl
It's all about finding ways to make yourself more efficient. Life hacking, baby. This morning, I brushed my teeth in the shower. Saved my self 90 seconds. Which I just used to explain this to you. Damn it!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53340
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Darryl
Since Andy promoted me to assistant regional manager, I've been trying to step my game up, you know, be more productive. In fact, you know what? Let's knock out a few more of these sound bites while we're here. Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53341
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Erin
S'il vous plait'dites-Moi'Ugggghhh les Bleagh!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53342
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Dwight
Ah, French. It's a great language. If you're a chain-smoking acrobat.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53343
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Erin
I'm just trying to fit in better with Andy's family. They all speak more than one language. Usually when I'm there!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53344
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Dwight
You wanna learn a really impressive second language? Try dothraki. Win over any man in my guild.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53345
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Dwight
Dothraki is the native tongue of the nomadic war-mongering horse lords of Essos as featured in the superb Home Box Office series, Game of Thrones. It has a lot of nudity. Which I fast-forward through to get to the chopped-off heads.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53346
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Dwight
I could teach you if you want. It's a lot easier than French.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53347
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Erin
Yeah! Let's do it!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53348
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Dwight
Atherozar!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53349
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Erin
Oh!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53350
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Dwight
It means 'excellent'. And we have begun.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53351
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Pam
[asks Nellie who is tapping a pen on her desk]. Is everything okay?
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53352
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Nellie
Hmm? Oh'oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine. Fine, fine, fine. I'm mean, I d'I just don't wanna'burden you with my massive stress freak outs!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53353
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Pam
Great.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53354
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Nellie
It's just that I am taking my driver's license test in two days, and I need to practice with an experienced driver in the car. But I've had no time to do that, thanks to 'Demandy'...[Points to Andy's office with her thumb]. I just want to hit the open road and drive, man! But'in who's car?
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53355
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Andy
Nellie! Get your wrinkly old balls in here.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53356
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Nellie
[sighs]
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53357
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Pam
Nellie, I could practice with you in my car at lunchtime.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53358
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Nellie
Oh, Pam, thank you! You are my savior!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53359
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Nellie and Pam
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53360
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Pam
I'm sorry, I'm leaving you alone for lunch.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53361
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Jim
Don't worry about it. I have a thing. A thing of soup. Which I've been wanting to try.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53362
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Nellie
This is my research into how we might produce child-proof paper that doesn't give you paper cuts. We can't. And here is a print out of your genealogy from thisisyourfamilytree.com
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53363
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Andy
Executive-summary me. Hit the highlights.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53364
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Nellie
Well, it turns out, you are a distant blood relative of Michelle Obama!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53365
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Andy
As in...
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53366
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Nellie
Wife of Barack, loves gardening, wants to wipe out fat children.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53367
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Andy
Wow!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53368
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Andy
This is super-flattering. She's the most popular person in America. This is a big day for both of us.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53369
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Andy
My fellow Americans, I have a feeling my approval rating is about to go through the roof. Turns out, I am related to Michelle Obama.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53370
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Erin
I was intimidated by Andy's family before. And now I have to see the First Lady at holidays? She's gonna be like, 'What's your stance on politics?' Or, 'What is the best war to do?' And, I will just be like, 'Duhhhh!'
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53371
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Andy
Alright! We gotta get rid of all this junk food. Get fit, America! Not sure if the buzz has reached the annex yet, but uh...I'm related to Michelle Obama.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53372
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Pete
Yeah we noticed early on, Andy really appreciates enthusiasm.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53373
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Clark
So we decided the best way to get ahead here is to be his cheerleaders.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53374
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Clark
Oooohhhhhhhh!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53375
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Clark
It's starting to have this reverse effect, though, where I really do think the stuff he does is awesome.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53376
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Pete
Yeah, me too. It's weird. Hard to remember what's real at this point.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53377
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Clark
Just clap through it, man.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53378
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Darryl
You log in sales at ten different times. If you log 'em all at once, you save a lot of time. It's called batching.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53379
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Jim
That was really good, Darryl.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53380
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Darryl
Life hacking, man.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53381
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Andy
There he is!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53382
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Jim
Andy, you gotta check this out. He just showed me'[gets interrupted by Andy].
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53383
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Andy
Ahhhthathathathathta. Right now I need canned tuna, okay? Darryl, guess which talented individual, who also has a killer singing voice, is related to the First Lady?
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53384
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Darryl
Tracee Ellis Ross. Daughter of the First Lady of Motown, Diana Ross.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53385
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Andy
It's me! I am related to Michelle Obama.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53386
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Darryl
What?! Really?
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53387
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Andy
I mean, it's distant, but...
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53388
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Darryl
Huh ha! That's cool, man.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53389
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Andy
Right?
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53390
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Andy
Darryl said, 'Cool, man.' He called me as cool man.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53391
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Pam
You know, I really do think it would be worth it to pull over and just take ten minutes to eat.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53392
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Nellie
Mmmm'the thing is Pam, I'm gonna be eating while I'm driving, so, I might as well get good at it.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53393
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Pam
Brake lights. Break lights! Break lights! Break lights!!!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53394
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Nellie
Whhooooo!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53395
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Oscar
I'm just saying, what does it imply in this country when a white person shares an ancestor with a black person?
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53396
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Phyllis
You think that Andy's family owned slaves?
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53397
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Stanley
Well somebody owned somebody. And I don't think anybody would buy an Andy.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53398
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Dwight
I throat-rip.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53399
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Erin
Foth aggendak!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53400
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Dwight
You throat-rip.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53401
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Erin
Foth aggendi!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53402
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Dwight
He/she/it throat rips.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53403
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Erin
Foth aggenda!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53404
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Dwight
More of a, barbaric growl.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53405
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Erin
Forth aggenda!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53406
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Dwight
Louder! You're shouting it from the back of a horse!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53407
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Erin
Wah!! Aggenda!!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53408
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Pam
Pretty crazy about Andy and Michelle Obama, huh?
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53409
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Nellie
Yeeeeahhhh! It's almost unbelievable!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53410
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Pam
What?
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53411
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Nellie
Well, you know how Andy has been really salting my onions, lately.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53412
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Pam
Sure.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53413
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Nellie
Well, when he asked me to look up his ancestry online, I remembered that news story about Michelle Obama having white relatives, and I just knew he would eat that up!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53414
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Pam
So he's not related to Michelle Obama?
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53415
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Nellie
Pam, I barely know how to turn on my computer.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53416
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Pam
[laughs]
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53417
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Pam
Nellie's pretty fearless. And I think she might be maybe even almost sort of fun.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53418
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Nellie
Pam!.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53419