Every line from The Office season 9, episode 3, in script order. First aired October 4, 2012.
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Fake Jim
Morning, Dwight
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53320
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Dwight
Who are you?
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53321
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Fake Jim
Who am I? I'm Jim. We've been working together for twelve years. Ha, Weird joke, Dwight.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53322
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Dwight
You're not Jim. Jim's not Asian
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53323
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Fake Jim
You seriously never noticed? Hey, hats off to you for not seeing race.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53324
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Dwight
Alright then Jim. Ahhh, why don't you tell me about that sale that you made yesterday?
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53325
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Fake Jim
Uh, Wellington systems? Sold them 10 cases of 24-pound letter stock. Or, were you talking about Krieger-Murphy? Because I didn't close that one yet, but I'm hoping I've got a voicemail from Paul Krieger waiting for me.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53326
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Voicemail
Please enter your password.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53327
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Voicemail
You have one new message.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53328
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Dwight
How did you know? No! No, no! That is sensitive information only for employees, not outsiders!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53329
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Fake Jim
Dwight, cut it out, I'm trying to work.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53330
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Dwight
You don't work here! You're not Jim!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53331
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Pam
Jim, I got us that dinner reservation. Grico's at 7:30.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53332
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Fake Jim
Oh great, can't wait.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53333
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Pam
Jim's at the dentist this morning. And Steve is an actor friend of ours.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53334
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Dwight
I don't know who you are, but you are not Jim. This is Jim!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53335
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Dwight
Oh my'! Oh d'! Oh, how did'? Huhhhhh!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53336
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Erin
Heyyy! Study buddies!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53337
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Darryl
Oh, ok.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53338
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Erin
Getting things done. Awesome!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53339
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Darryl
It's all about finding ways to make yourself more efficient. Life hacking, baby. This morning, I brushed my teeth in the shower. Saved my self 90 seconds. Which I just used to explain this to you. Damn it!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53340
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Darryl
Since Andy promoted me to assistant regional manager, I've been trying to step my game up, you know, be more productive. In fact, you know what? Let's knock out a few more of these sound bites while we're here. Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53341
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Erin
S'il vous plait'dites-Moi'Ugggghhh les Bleagh!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53342
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Dwight
Ah, French. It's a great language. If you're a chain-smoking acrobat.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53343
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Erin
I'm just trying to fit in better with Andy's family. They all speak more than one language. Usually when I'm there!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53344
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Dwight
You wanna learn a really impressive second language? Try dothraki. Win over any man in my guild.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53345
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Dwight
Dothraki is the native tongue of the nomadic war-mongering horse lords of Essos as featured in the superb Home Box Office series, Game of Thrones. It has a lot of nudity. Which I fast-forward through to get to the chopped-off heads.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53346
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Dwight
I could teach you if you want. It's a lot easier than French.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53347
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Erin
Yeah! Let's do it!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53348
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Dwight
Atherozar!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53349
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Erin
Oh!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53350
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Dwight
It means 'excellent'. And we have begun.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53351
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Pam
[asks Nellie who is tapping a pen on her desk]. Is everything okay?
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53352
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Nellie
Hmm? Oh'oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine. Fine, fine, fine. I'm mean, I d'I just don't wanna'burden you with my massive stress freak outs!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53353
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Pam
Great.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53354
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Nellie
It's just that I am taking my driver's license test in two days, and I need to practice with an experienced driver in the car. But I've had no time to do that, thanks to 'Demandy'...[Points to Andy's office with her thumb]. I just want to hit the open road and drive, man! But'in who's car?
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53355
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Andy
Nellie! Get your wrinkly old balls in here.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53356
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Nellie
[sighs]
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53357
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Pam
Nellie, I could practice with you in my car at lunchtime.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53358
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Nellie
Oh, Pam, thank you! You are my savior!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53359
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Nellie and Pam
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53360
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Pam
I'm sorry, I'm leaving you alone for lunch.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53361
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Jim
Don't worry about it. I have a thing. A thing of soup. Which I've been wanting to try.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53362
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Nellie
This is my research into how we might produce child-proof paper that doesn't give you paper cuts. We can't. And here is a print out of your genealogy from thisisyourfamilytree.com
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53363
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Andy
Executive-summary me. Hit the highlights.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53364
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Nellie
Well, it turns out, you are a distant blood relative of Michelle Obama!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53365
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Andy
As in...
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53366
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Nellie
Wife of Barack, loves gardening, wants to wipe out fat children.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53367
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Andy
Wow!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53368
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Andy
This is super-flattering. She's the most popular person in America. This is a big day for both of us.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53369
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Andy
My fellow Americans, I have a feeling my approval rating is about to go through the roof. Turns out, I am related to Michelle Obama.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53370
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Erin
I was intimidated by Andy's family before. And now I have to see the First Lady at holidays? She's gonna be like, 'What's your stance on politics?' Or, 'What is the best war to do?' And, I will just be like, 'Duhhhh!'
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53371
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Andy
Alright! We gotta get rid of all this junk food. Get fit, America! Not sure if the buzz has reached the annex yet, but uh...I'm related to Michelle Obama.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53372
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Pete
Yeah we noticed early on, Andy really appreciates enthusiasm.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53373
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Clark
So we decided the best way to get ahead here is to be his cheerleaders.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53374
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Clark
Oooohhhhhhhh!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53375
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Clark
It's starting to have this reverse effect, though, where I really do think the stuff he does is awesome.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53376
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Pete
Yeah, me too. It's weird. Hard to remember what's real at this point.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53377
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Clark
Just clap through it, man.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53378
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Darryl
You log in sales at ten different times. If you log 'em all at once, you save a lot of time. It's called batching.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53379
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Jim
That was really good, Darryl.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53380
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Darryl
Life hacking, man.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53381
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Andy
There he is!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53382
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Jim
Andy, you gotta check this out. He just showed me'[gets interrupted by Andy].
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53383
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Andy
Ahhhthathathathathta. Right now I need canned tuna, okay? Darryl, guess which talented individual, who also has a killer singing voice, is related to the First Lady?
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53384
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Darryl
Tracee Ellis Ross. Daughter of the First Lady of Motown, Diana Ross.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53385
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Andy
It's me! I am related to Michelle Obama.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53386
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Darryl
What?! Really?
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53387
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Andy
I mean, it's distant, but...
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53388
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Darryl
Huh ha! That's cool, man.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53389
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Andy
Right?
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53390
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Andy
Darryl said, 'Cool, man.' He called me as cool man.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53391
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Pam
You know, I really do think it would be worth it to pull over and just take ten minutes to eat.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53392
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Nellie
Mmmm'the thing is Pam, I'm gonna be eating while I'm driving, so, I might as well get good at it.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53393
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Pam
Brake lights. Break lights! Break lights! Break lights!!!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53394
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Nellie
Whhooooo!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53395
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Oscar
I'm just saying, what does it imply in this country when a white person shares an ancestor with a black person?
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53396
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Phyllis
You think that Andy's family owned slaves?
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53397
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Stanley
Well somebody owned somebody. And I don't think anybody would buy an Andy.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53398
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Dwight
I throat-rip.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53399
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Erin
Foth aggendak!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53400
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Dwight
You throat-rip.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53401
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Erin
Foth aggendi!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53402
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Dwight
He/she/it throat rips.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53403
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Erin
Foth aggenda!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53404
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Dwight
More of a, barbaric growl.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53405
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Erin
Forth aggenda!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53406
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Dwight
Louder! You're shouting it from the back of a horse!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53407
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Erin
Wah!! Aggenda!!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53408
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Pam
Pretty crazy about Andy and Michelle Obama, huh?
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53409
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Nellie
Yeeeeahhhh! It's almost unbelievable!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53410
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Pam
What?
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53411
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Nellie
Well, you know how Andy has been really salting my onions, lately.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53412
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Pam
Sure.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53413
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Nellie
Well, when he asked me to look up his ancestry online, I remembered that news story about Michelle Obama having white relatives, and I just knew he would eat that up!
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53414
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Pam
So he's not related to Michelle Obama?
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53415
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Nellie
Pam, I barely know how to turn on my computer.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53416
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Pam
[laughs]
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53417
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Pam
Nellie's pretty fearless. And I think she might be maybe even almost sort of fun.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53418
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Nellie
Pam!.
Season 9 · Episode 3 · Line 53419