Every line from The Office season 9, episode 2, in script order. First aired September 27, 2012.
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Clark
He's looking for on-air talent and he'd kill me if I didn't get you on tape.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53124
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Erin
You mean, put me on the news?
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53125
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Clark
You'll just come over, put on little lipstick, loosen up with a glass of red wine and then we'll just run through a few stories. You know, a couple different ways, with a couple different outfits. It'd be really tasteful and it'd really help me out with Duncan... with my friend. What do you say? Huh?
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53126
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Erin
Maybe, ok? Let me think about it.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53127
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Clark
Ok.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53128
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Erin
Whoo!
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53129
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Clark
Think it over.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53130
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Pete
No, Clark's not my friend. He is the douche that sits next to me at the office. My friends are Scott, Glenn, and Rob. But, you don't know them.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53131
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Erin
I never really thought much about being more than a receptionist. But, why? Because I happened to answer help wanted ad to be a receptionist? I mean, what if the ad had been for a CEO? Or for a brain surgeon?
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53132
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Roy
So, ah, it was a year ago today that I met Laura. I thought she was my waitress and, uh, took her three weeks to tell me that she actually owned the place. You are full of surprises. You are my beautiful mystery girl. And, today, I have a surprise for you.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53133
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Jim
He plays piano?
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53134
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Pam
No. Roy? No.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53135
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Roy
You know how I said I was taking boxing lessons? Actually, I was doing this. Um, so, I hope that you like it.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53136
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Darryl
You got this, Roy.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53137
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Pam
We still surprise each other.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53138
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Jim
Definitely.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53139
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Pam
You know, I never did it, but for your 30th birthday I really wanted to surprise you with-
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53140
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Jim
Courtside seats. Sixers.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53141
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Pam
Yes. But, what I didn't tell you is that I actually bought the tickets. We only didn't go because it was-
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53142
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Jim
It was an away game.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53143
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Pam
In Phoenix. They should really tell you that more specifically. I mean, every game is an away game for one of the teams. Do we know everything about each other?
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53144
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Jim
No.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53145
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Pam
Tell me one thing about you I don't know.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53146
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Jim
Um, ok.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53147
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Jim
Oh, here's one. Did I ever tell you about the time that my brothers videotaped the lottery announcement? And bought the winning numbers the next day? And then, played the tape for me the next week, and I-
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53148
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Pam
And you thought you guys were millionaires.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53149
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Jim
You heard that one.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53150
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Pam
Yes. But there's, wait, oh, there's a funny ending to that story. I can't remember.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53151
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Jim
That I thought we were millionaires.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53152
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Pam
Thought you were millionaires, yeah. That's funny. Shoot, I knew that one.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53153
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Jim
That's all right.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53154
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Angela
The senator and I still have mystery. I'm always waiting to see what he's gonna surprise me with next.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53155
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Jim
You all right?
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53156
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Nellie
You support the Taliban abroad. So I assume you're willing to live by their rules here.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53157
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Dwight
Anything else would be inconsistent.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53158
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Nellie
Will you join me then in a pledge to live by Taliban law in this office?
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53159
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Dwight
Absolutely, I will.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53160
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Dwight
I feared Nellie had some sort of a plan but she used a ridiculous font. Huh. You don't have a plan.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53161
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Nellie
When you use a ridiculous font, no one thinks you have a plan.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53162
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Nellie
Looking for this?
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53163
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Dwight
What the?
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53164
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Nellie
Oh, this is a lovely pen. Ah. But, it's mine now because I stole it.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53165
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Dwight
Gimme that.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53166
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Nellie
Didn't you sign a contract to live under Taliban law? And now, there's been theft. That means, you're not serious or... someone's getting their hand cut off.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53167
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Dwight
You're insane.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53168
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Nellie
I know. So, it's better that you pick another charity.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53169
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Dwight
Oh, and let your precious Operation Power Grab proceed unchecked? No thank you.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53170
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Nellie
In that case, you... will have to chop off my hand.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53171
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Dwight
This cleaver appears to need sharpening. I suggest you spend some quality time together just you and your hand. Tie a shoe, toss a salad. Do any of the two hand activities that you'll miss the most.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53172
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Nellie
I tell you what. I need to make three calls. And then after that, you can become a person who chops off people's hands.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53173
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Dwight
Sounds like a plan.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53174
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Andy
Clark wants to film you in different outfits inside his apartment?
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53175
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Erin
Yeah.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53176
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Andy
Clark, you and I need to have a little chat. What clothes does Erin need for this news audition?
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53177
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Clark
Uh... couple of button-downs, a camisole, a blazer, a pencil skirt, stilettos, maybe, no, no, not maybe, definitely open-toed. Uh, something low-cut because the camera makes everything seem higher cut.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53178
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Andy
Really?
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53179
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Clark
Yeah, industry secret. You're gonna want some of those panty hose with the seam up the back.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53180
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Pete
Seems unnecessary for an audition.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53181
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Clark
And then, you know, maybe just a robe to wear in between takes but I probably got one she can borrow at my place, so-
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53182
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Andy
Thank god someone here knows what their talking about. I want you to take this credit card, take Erin to the mall and get that stuff.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53183
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Clark
I absolutely will do that.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53184
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Andy
Awesome. Plop!
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53185
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Clark
Pff. Guess I'll just head over to the mall then. Buy Erin some sexy, fun outfits.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53186
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Pete
That Clark, huh? Errr Ca!
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53187
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Oscar
Next question for our oldie-weds-
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53188
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Kevin
What's the craziest place you've ever made whoopie?
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53189
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Angela
Language.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53190
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Phyllis
Who was Pam's first celebrity crush?
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53191
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Oscar
Pam's first celebrity crush.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53192
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Toby
John Stamos.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53193
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Jim
Ready?
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53194
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Pam
Uh-huh.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53195
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Jim
John Stamos.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53196
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Angela
Oh!
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53197
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Pam
Yes. But John Stamos was temporary. I quickly moved on to-
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53198
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Toby
Johnny Depp.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53199
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Pam
Johnny Depp.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53200
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Toby
Sh, uh, um, I was having this separate conversation with Kevin. Uh, Johnny Depp.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53201
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Kevin
Totally. George Clooney.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53202
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Toby
Uh-huh.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53203
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Angela
OK, I have one. I have one.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53204
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Kevin
What is the craziest place you've ever made whoopie?
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53205
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Angela
Kevin, stop it with that question.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53206
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Jim
Right. And did you show them the market? Yeah. And what'd they say? That's awesome! That, oh my god! Wow!
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53207
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Jim
It's not even real yet. And I'm not gonna tell her 'til it's real.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53208
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Pam
I think maybe there actually is something I don't know about Jim.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53209
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Darryl
Everyone, we have a voluntary meeting in the conference room to discuss Erin's confidence.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53210
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Andy
Her body. We're gonna talk about her body. Good. Great job.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53211
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Darryl
Andy made me his consigliere. Which means Assistant Regional Manager. I guess he thought I'd be into The Godfather 'cause I'm black. Wrong! I'm into The Godfather 'cause I'm a cinephile. I like Scarface 'cause I'm black.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53212
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Andy
Erin has an audition to be a newscaster.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53213
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Andy
Uh-huh. And I want her to feel very comfortable in her very sexy skin. So, everybody say something that you like about her body. All right? Darryl.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53214
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Darryl
OK, um, I like Erin's hair. It's a very pretty color.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53215
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Andy
Yeah, right?
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53216
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Jim
I'm sorry. This is for a news audition?
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53217
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Andy
Yeah.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53218
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Oscar
Then why are we talking about her looks? Why not her credibility? Or her reliability?
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53219
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Andy
News flash everyone. The human race finds attractive people more trustworthy.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53220
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Oscar
I'm so sorry, Andy, but for twenty years, the most trusted man in America - Walter Cronkite.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53221
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Meredith
Cronkite was hot. If I could go back in time, I'd take that mustache ride.
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53222
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Oscar
Does Erin have any experience? Has she taken any journalism classes, maybe? Or...
Season 9 · Episode 2 · Line 53223