Every line from The Office season 9, episode 19, in script order. First aired April 11, 2013.
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Clark
Wha'What's a shank?
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58198
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Dwight
It's by the tenderloin.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58199
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Dwight
Roll him, roll him, roll him. Good. Good. Okay, careful, he's slouching. Okay, can you'sl-slouch him into the seat. Here. Here. Go around and get his seatbelt.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58200
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Clark
All right.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58201
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Dwight
Got it?
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58202
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Clark
Yeah'yup yup.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58203
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Dwight
Get in the back.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58204
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Clark
What?
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58205
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Dwight
Get in the back.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58206
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Clark
Aw, come on.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58207
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Dwight
Get in.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58208
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Clark
Damn it.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58209
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Dwight
Okay, Stanley? Do you understand what we're about to do?
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58210
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Stanley
Helllloooo!
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58211
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Clark
Okay. We, hey'hey, listen, listen. We are going to go discuss paper contracts for city of Lackawanna public schools, okay?
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58212
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Stanley
Pigeons.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58213
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Dwight
Oh, God, this is bad. Looks like we've got no choice. You, my friend, are going to have to be Stanley Hudson.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58214
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Clark
Isn't the client, like, best friends with his sister?
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58215
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Dwight
New plan, okay? We get him a cup of coffee and we go back to the old plan. Let's go! Gimme a hand. Here we go. Come on, Stanley! Here we go. Upsie-doozie. There we go. Okay, all right. Come on, big guy. You can walk, right? Yeah. What a pretty smile. Let's go.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58216
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Pam
I'm sure Athlead will be a huge success. But I don't want him to do it anymore, and I don't want to give him an ultimatum, but I am not moving our family to Philly.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58217
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Jim
Well, if Pam says she won't go, then'we're gonna need a lot more than counseling. Hmph.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58218
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Nellie
That was exhausting.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58219
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Toby
Blah blah blah blah. Jim.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58220
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Nellie
Well, they deserve each other, then.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58221
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Toby
They do. That they do.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58222
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Nellie
That is for sure.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58223
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Toby
That they do.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58224
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Dwight
And for'oh, whoopsie daisy.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58225
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Mrs. Davis
Stanley, what is going on here?
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58226
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Dwight
He's fine. He gets carsick really easily.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58227
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Clark
Driving.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58228
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Dwight
It's a long drive. He was in the backseat. But right now we're talking to Mrs. Davis about the full range of the products that we offer and our competitive rates, right, Stanley?
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58229
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Stanley
Ooh-hoo, look at that baby'
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58230
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Dwight
Stanley.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58231
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Stanley
Ohhh'
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58232
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Mrs. Davis
That's Benji in the middle.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58233
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Stanley
That's Benji. Oh, he's precious. That's a healthy-looking baby.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58234
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Mrs. Davis
Very special little boy.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58235
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Dwight
Look at him. I've never seen such a beautiful child.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58236
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Mrs. Davis
Funny sense of humor. If you push on his nose, he'll go, 'eee.'
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58237
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Dwight
Like this? Watch.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58238
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Stanley
Eee.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58239
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Everyone
[laughs]
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58240
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Mrs. Davis
Like that.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58241
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Stanley
A beautiful family.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58242
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Dwight
Right? Come on!
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58243
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Dwight
Yeah, maybe I'll never be manager, but I just managed to get our most stubborn salesman to close a sale with one of our biggest clients, and I must say, it's the most pleasant I've ever seen Stanley. I think we should consider injecting him with bull tranquilizer on a daily basis.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58244
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Carla
So, what can you do?
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58245
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Andy
Well, what can't I do? Right, I can sing, I can dance, I can play the banjo, innit? And if you hadn't noticed, I've got a pretty good British accent.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58246
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Carla
Can you drive a car?
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58247
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Andy
At the risk of sounding arrogant, I did drive myself here.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58248
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Carla
Why do you have, uh, a high school musical here on your resume? What are you, like, 40? 45?
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58249
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Andy
My exact age is 28 to 34, so basically just send me out on whatever Jake Gyllenhaal's going out on.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58250
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Carla
Gyllenhaal, got it. Can you juggle and crap?
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58251
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Andy
: Yes. And yes.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58252
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Carla
Would you dress up as, say, a birthday clown and go to a kid's party, let 'em throw pies at ya?
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58253
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Andy
Whereas that is not why I have entered show business, I do understand that you have to build credibility. I'm all for it.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58254
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Carla
Well, Mr. Bernard, I'm gonna be honest with you.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58255
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Andy
Well, at least I tried. Thank you very much.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58256
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Carla
Uh, no. We're'we're gonna take you on as a client.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58257
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Andy
You are? Yes! Yes. Are you being for real right now? Oh, man. Ah, yes! I need this so bad. I really think this is what could fix me.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58258
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Carla
We are extremely excited to be working with you too, sir. Pay Todd on your way out.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58259
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Andy
Most talent agents take 10% of whatever jobs they get you, but with Carla you pay a flat rate of $5,000 up front. And that includes headshots.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58260
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Todd Packer
Uh, it doesn't include headshots.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58261
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Andy
It doesn't include headshots.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58262
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Todd Packer
No.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58263
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Andy
Well, of course not, because that would be insane if it did. Still getting a bargain, though.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58264
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Stanley
So I just smiled and complimented her grandkids, and we closed it?
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58265
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Dwight
You earned yourself a nice, fat commission and you didn't even know it. I'll go tell Andy the good news. Oh. Silly me. Gotta take the stairs.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58266
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Stanley
Oh, no, I'm not doing that again. You got me down, you gotta get me back up.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58267
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Dwight
Well'no, no'n'
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58268
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Stanley
[stabs his own leg with a tranquilizer dart and falls to the ground]
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58269
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Dwight
We need a winch and a hoist.
Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58270