Stanley

What the hell? No. This is NOT happening.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 57998

Erin

Didn't you get the memo? It's Stairmageddon! Come on Stanley!

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 57999

Erin

Dwight is having maintenance done on the elevator today, and he was really on top of it. Weeks ago, he started the Stairmageddon Awareness campaign. The idea was to get us prepared, both mentally and physically, for a day that hopefully comes once in a 100 years. It's a' 'Mageddon!'

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58000

Erin

Come on! Come on, Stanley! Stay in it!

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58001

Stanley

I put 17 damn years into this company, and now they're making me climb Stair Mountain!

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58002

Erin

Come on!

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58003

Oscar

Our office has an unusually large number of' unusually large people.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58004

Stanley

This is an abomination.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58005

Erin

Come on. You got this. Here.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58006

Oscar

So when something as routine as elevator maintenance happens, and people are forced to expend cardiovascular effort, we have to compare it to the end of time.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58007

Andy

Red alert! Red alert! The reviews are in! I repeat, the reviews are in.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58008

Oscar

What?

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58009

Andy

I just got a text from my brother. Scranton Times Tribune.com. There's a review of the documentary!

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58010

Phyllis

What does it say?

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58011

Andy

I don't know, Phyllis! I just got the text and started screaming, 'Red Alert.'

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58012

Dwight

Well, the alert was already set to 'Red' because of Stairmageddon. You think I should set it to 'Double Red'?

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58013

Andy

I think we should.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58014

Stanley

[drinks a 5-Hour Energy shot and groans]

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58015

Oscar

'The Office: An American Workplace airing on PBS next month is a documentary following the employees of Scranton's own Dunder Mifflin Paper Company!'

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58016

Everyone

Whoo!

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58017

Nellie

'In this series, which will air starting in May, we get an in-depth look at many interesting local people. There's Kevin Malone, the falstaffian accountant. Dwight Schrute, the head salesman forever chasing a manager position he will never get.'

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58018

Dwight

What does Josh McAuliffe know about the paper business? He works for a news'thing.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58019

Nellie

'Andy Bernard, the rudderless trust fund child-slash-middle manager, whose incompetence is emblematic of a declining American economy.'

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58020

Phyllis

Ouch. Sorry, Andy, that's-.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58021

Andy

It's okay. The hell does he know?

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58022

Nellie

'A possible explanation for his lack of career focus is his surprising musical talent.'

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58023

Andy

I want you to print that out for me.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58024

Nellie

I will.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58025

Andy

Now that this documentary is coming out, my days at Dunder Mifflin are probably limited. And you know what? Good. Because this is not what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be my generation's Lisa Loeb.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58026

Erin

'Though it mostly focuses on the daily realities of office life, a lurid subplot reveals the hypocrisy of a local public figure embroiled in a gay affair while preaching family values.'

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58027

Nellie

Oh! Which public figure?

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58028

Erin

I bet it's Katie Couric. I've been saying this for years.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58029

Phyllis

No, I think they mean more like a politician.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58030

Stanley

You own the building. Why can't you fix the elevator in the middle of the night? Who do I look like? Jackie Joyner-Kersee?

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58031

Dwight

Well, I did say it would be an inconvenience. You should have called me from downstairs. We could've met in the lobby. It's time to go out on a sale! Here we go.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58032

Stanley

Son, you've lost your mind. I'm not going anywhere until you fix my elevator.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58033

Dwight

The buyer is your sister's friend. This is the printing paper for the entire school district of Lackawanna. You are coming, and that's an order.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58034

Stanley

You are not my damn boss and you never will be! Guess what? Never gonna happen! Pete! Iced tea. Three sugars, five creams.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58035

Pete

Your morning 3-by-5. Coming right up.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58036

Pam

Well, we won't be late. I love you, mom. Thanks.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58037

Nellie

Oh, your mom's watching the kids tonight. So what are you two up to? Oh, um, Embassy Suites. 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the door. Mommy and Daddy are on the floor.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58038

Pam

I wish.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58039

Nellie

What, then?

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58040

Pam

Oh, nothing that exciting.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58041

Nellie

Marriage counseling?

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58042

Pam

Hmm.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58043

Nellie

Did you know that is the only kind of counseling I have never had?

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58044

Pam

You know, Jim's kind of nervous about it, but I think it could really help.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58045

Nellie

Mmm.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58046

Pam

I mean, we've having issues. It can't hurt to talk about them, right?

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58047

Jim

Hey, Toby. Um, I wanted to ask you a question.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58048

Toby

Oh, sure.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58049

Jim

It's a little, uh, personal.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58050

Toby

Let's do it. Let's get personal.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58051

Jim

I wanted to talk to you about your divorce.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58052

Toby

Whoa.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58053

Jim

Sorry. I'no, no, no, what I meant'what I meant actually was'

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58054

Toby

Oh, yeah, no, it's okay. I can handle it. Um, so'

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58055

Jim

You guys obviously went through some tough times leading up to it.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58056

Toby

[chuckles, snorts]

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58057

Jim

Okay. I was wondering if you ever did any couple's counseling.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58058

Toby

Oh, sure, lots of times. Yeah. Wait, you and Pam aren't in couple's counseling, are you? Oh, God.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58059

Jim

No, no, no, no, no. Uh, we're just starting couple's counseling. Uh, which doesn't sound any better.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58060

Toby

Oh, you guys. Kelly called it. 2013. So s'hey! Hey! Hey, no! No! Get outta here. Clark, get outta here.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58061

Clark

My mistake.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58062

Toby

Yes, it is your mistake. He's lingering. So annoying. I'm gonna kill him. How can I help? I'm here.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58063

Jim

That's all right.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58064

Andy

Hello, William Morris Agency. I need to speak with your best agent who represents your biggest stars. Yes, I'll hold. I'm sorry. I misunderstood. Goodbye.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58065

Angela

Thank you, Stan. Oh, honey. Look, I just want our life to get back to normal. Ribbon cuttings, charity balls.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58066

Robert

Don't worry. I've scheduled a press conference for later today. We just need to face the camera together. A beloved public servant and his devoted wife. And move on.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58067

Angela

All right, if I have to be the good wife, I'll be the best damn wife there is. Correction. Best darn wife. Sorry, I'm a better wife than that.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58068

Dwight

Andy'I need to talk to you.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58069

Andy

Yeah, come on in. I'm just on hold with another talent agency. It's insane. This promo with me playing banjo has 250 views already. And every time I click, there's more. 251. 252. I can't even keep up!

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58070

Dwight

Stanley is refusing to go out on a sales call.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58071

Andy

I hate people! Why do they never do what you need them to do? Stanley has to go. That's final.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58072

Dwight

So what I'm hearing you say is, 'Make Stanley go out on the sales call by whatever means possible'?

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58073

Andy

Yes! I'm sorry I'm being curt, it's just I'm about to land a top talent agent.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58074

Dwight

Mm-hmm. Good luck.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58075

Andy

Directory? Movie Star department. Back. Directory.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58076

Dwight

For five years I've held my instincts in check because I wanted to be made manager. Maybe it's time for me to just let that thought go. It's kind of painful, but it's also freeing in a way. Now it's all about my instincts.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58077

Clark

Hey, Dwight.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58078

Dwight

Stanley, one way or another, you are gonna come with me to make this sale.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58079

Stanley

Pass.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58080

Clark

Hey, c-c-can you just let me out of here before whatever comes next?

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58081

Dwight

Don't worry, it's just a bull tranquilizer. Nothing to be alarmed about. It's just a man pointing a bull tranquilizer at a coworker.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58082

Stanley

Dwight, you do not learn, do you? For a threat to be credible, you ha'

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58083

Dwight

[fires tranquilizer gun at Stanley]

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58084

Clark

Holy.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58085

Stanley

No, you didn't. Sick of you and your'ooh'

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58086

Dwight

[fires tranquilizer gun twice]

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58087

Stanley

[falls to the floor with a loud thud]

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58088

Dwight

It's all right. Andy approved it.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58089

Meredith

Man, he's really in twinkle town now.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58090

Clark

Is he gonna be okay? I mean, weren't those darts intended for an animal, like, two to three times larger than him?

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58091

Dwight

Okay, this dosage was meant for a very small bull, and Stanley's got way more body fat than they do.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58092

Clark

You gave him three shots.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58093

Dwight

Shh. Got about 45 minutes to get him to the client before he comes to. Grab his feet. Let's go!

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58094

Clark

All right.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58095

Dwight

Move it! One, two, three.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58096

Dwight

He's like a manatee. Ready? Let's go again. Come on. We can do this. One, two, three! Oh, God... No wonder my elevator cables are under such strain.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Line 58097

"Stairmageddon" Quotes